Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Greg Giraldo

Next week, to the day, I was supposed to be see one of my favorite comedians perform at the new club, Helium, in downtown Portland. Sadly, thats not going to happen.

Greg Giraldo, the Comedy Central Roast veteran, passed away today.

Not to take away from any other death- but Giraldo was a very funny man and consistantly the brightest star of any of the Comedy Central Roasts. Shit, he is one of the main reasons I tuned into both season of Lewis Blacks "Root of All Evil."

Since I won't be able to see him like I had planned, I'm going to list some of his funniest roast quotes on here. If you don't know the dude, youtube his work. He is a LEGEND with the insults.

So, in honor of the fallen funny man, here are some funny things the man has said:
  • To Ice T: "you fuckin’ fossil. You’re so old, the first thing you bought with your record deal money was your freedom. On your first album, the ‘n-word’ was ‘negro.'"
  • Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton."
  • To Michael Moore: "If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds"
  • TO Kathy Griffin: You’ve been stitched up thousands of times but you’re still sad to look at. You’re like the AIDS quilt."
  • To Joan Rivers:"You are one irritating Jew broad...first time I heard your voice my foreskin fell off."
  • To Gilbert Godfried: "Gilbert is famously cheap. I’m impressed you’re here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You’re like David Carradine"
  • To Seth Macfarlane: ”You made all your money because you created a f*cked up, criminal baby. You’re like Michael Lohan.”
  • Said to Greg, from Laurie Kilmartin : " Greg, you self hating husband. I've never heard anyone hate his wife like Greg hates his. The only reason Greg Keeps getting her pregnant is he's hoping she'll die during child birth."

Funny shit. Funny dude. I'll always wish I got to see him live.

Rest in Peace, Greg.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Untitled Rant about Why I Do Not Like Adrian Beltre

I shouldn't be writing on here right now. I'm burried up to my neck in shit right now. I'm supposed to be working on homework right now. Ass tons of reading, two essays and two presentations are come due soon. But I can not let this slide.

Today, Rob Neyer (baseball Analyst for ESPN) ruined my day. I'm sure he didn't mean to, but nevertheless, the mother fucker did it. Today he publicly put Adrian Beltre's name in the MVP discussion.

Granted, he didn't say "Adrian Beltre should be MVP," but he might as well have. All he was saying is that Beltre belongs in the discussion, which was more then enough to light a fire under my ass. That is that sensitive of a subject. He might as well have said Brandon Roy was gay.

Now Adrian Beltre might be a good person. He might be the male version of mother Teresa. I have never heard a bad story about the man. That being said, I do not like him. Few professional athletes have caused me to swear at the TV as much as Adrian Beltre did during his tenure for the Seattle Mariners.

For those of you who need a reminder of why I hate Adrian Beltre, alow me to catch you up to speed. Adrian Beltre was a promising young third basemen who came up in the Dodgers organization. In 2004 at age 25, he was second in the NL MVP voting by playing solid 3rd base, and leading the Dodgers to a division title with a .334 average, 48 home runs and 121 RBI's.

That winter, he told the world he was taking his talents to the Puget Sound to play for the Seattle Mariners. To this day, it remains the most exciting free agent signing any of my teams have made.

However, over the next 5 years (at an age when players are their most productive), Adrian Beltre delivered a production level on par with a shit sandwhich. He never hit .300. He never hit 30 home runs. And he never topped 100 RBI's. The Mariners who won 90 games the year before we signed him, never sniffed the playoffs with him in uniform.

Now there are Adrian Beltre apologists who say "Stop complaining! He gave you gold glove defense." Fuck you. We aren't talking about a David Bell, who made about 1 mill a year. We are talking about a player who was paid to come in and save an anemic offense. We were only two seasons removed from a defense who had set a then record for best fielding percentage ever(2001, look it up). We needed a bat. Improving the defense was not a high priority.

Adrian was paid to anchor a batting order. He was supposed to be the power hitter we had been lacking since A-Rod left and Edgar retired, and Boone's body mysteriously broke down. We paid him handsomely to do so. He recieved an average of 12.9 million dollars per season just to put lumber on a ball. Obvioulsy with that money we would hope he would continue our new tradition of good defense, but the power is what he was being brough it on for. Apparently that message got jumbled up. Because while he developed into a spectacular fielder (2 gold gloves as a Mariner), his offense often left something to be desired.

The only thing Beltre was better at than fielding ground balls was hitting them. What a douche.

Mercifully, his contracted ended last. Adrian Beltre took his monsterous (and un powerful) forearms, his crappy batting average and his glove, and shipped off to Boston over the winter. Not one single Mariner fan gave it a second thought. We signed another good fielding 3rd baseman (Chone Figgins) for half the price and that was that.

Although it did become a joke among my friends that he was going to remember how to hit this seasons so he could get a big pay day again next year.

Sadly, Figgins sucked and Beltre found his power stroke tucked away in the back of his closet. All season he has been paying homage to his 2004 campaign, hitting the shit out of the ball again. I had him on my fantasy baseball team, and everytime he hit a home run it felt like a cock punch. I should've been happy- he was producing for my fantasy team. But after every good game I found myself thinking "oh now he hits the ball."As of right now he leads the league in doubles and looks like he will have his first 30 hr, 100 rbi, and .300 average since he left LA.

Here is my nightmare scenerio:

Boston is currently 6.5 games out of the wild card with 11 games to go. They would need a mircile to somehow back into the post season. But for arguements sake, lets say they do. Lets say Boston goes ape shit for the last 11 games, led by an onslaught from Adrian Beltre, they find a way to pass Tampa Bay for the Wild Card.

Now because Josh Hamilton injured his ribs, the MVP debate has reopened for the first time since June. If Adrian Beltre were to help lead Boston's miricle comeback with a .300/30/100, he would quite possibly step in and become the favorite for MVP.

(Also helping his cause would be the piece Rob Neyer undoubtably has ready to run in case this scenereo takes place- bringing up the fact that Adrian Beltre was robbed in 2004 by Barry Bonds. And since the Baseball writers (and the world) hate Barry Bonds, this would sway sympathy votes from on the fence voters)

Again this is a nightmare scenerio. Josh Hamiltons numbers are the stuff legends are made of. But as long as the Sox have life and Hamiltons ribs keep him out of the line up-it remains possible.

It has been hard enough watching the Mariners this season. They're offense is bad beyond description. With two weeks left they have a .238 team average and have scored 2 or less runs in game 68 times. They are averaging almost a run and half per game under the American league average. You can almost guarentee they be losing 100 games this season (only 7 more losses).

This sucks. Next year doesn't look any better. Please, please, please Boston, just roll over and eliminate yourself. I cannot bare the idea of this season being capped off with an Adrian Beltre MVP.

I will now cut my ear off and give it to a whore.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Status Update: Week1

Week 1 is barely through the first wave of games and I'm already an emotional wreck. I'm sweating profusly and my legs won't stop moving. The combonation of Fantasy Football, crappy sleep, and caffiene have me more damaged the Ben Rothlisburgers last date. Currently, I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, and I've had enough rockstar not only to fail my kidneys but could finally kill Keith Richards.

If this is any early implication on how this season is going to go, Fantasy Football is going to ruin my life.
  • I will make it my lifes work to ensure Chris Johnson remains on my fantasy teams. Forever.
  • Fuck Arian Foster, Dallas Clark and Hakeem Nicks. Unless I get superhuman performances from my afternoon team... those three are going to be responsible for the ass beating I recieved.
  • Mike Tomlin in Aviators looks like an extra from Black Dynamite.
  • Really nervous about the start of the Pete Carroll era this week. I tried to get my friends to give me some hope but the only response I got to the question (someone make me feel good about the up coming season) was "Jake locker".
  • Really funny bit on ESPN's pre game about how Wes Welker sold his soul to the Devil to cut his recovery time in half. Then he promptly scored 2 touchdowns. Yes, he is on one of my Fantasy teams.
  • That Calvin Johnson catch was just that- a catch. If you think otherwise, you are wrong. If I were him I would just hold on to the ball till he goes home after his next touchdown.

Damnit, the Seahawks turned the ball over on the first play of the game. I hadn't even switched to the game yet. I'm going to go prepare for what could be a very, very long season.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

2010 predictions: Taking it to the panel

I know we are already one game into the season (New Orleans defended their title against the Minnesota Vikings on Thursday), but I don't give a shit... I'm putting in my predictions now.

But I'm not coming alone, I'm bringing a four man panel. We're going to get on record to throw our picks out to see who will win.

West-49ers (that hurt)
Wild card 1-Falcons and Minnesota

West- Chiefs
Wild card-Jets and Bengals

Superbowl New England over Greenbay

West- 49ers
East- cowboys
South- Saints
Wild Cards Panthers and Giants

East- Patriots
North Bengals
South- Colts
Wild Card- Titans and Jets

Superbowl- Colts over Greenbay

East- Cowboys
North- Packers
South- Saints
WILDCARD- Falcons and Minnesota

West- Chargers
East- Jets
North- Baltimore
South- Houston
WILD CARD- Colts and Patriots

Superbowl- Packers over Baltimore

West- 49er
North- Packers
South- Falcons
Wild cards- Saints and Minnesota

West- Raiders
East- Patriots
South- Colts
Wild Card- Steelers and Chargers

Colts over Green Bay

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Heyman THEorY

Quick disclaimer: This next post is going to be focus primarly on a current TNA wrestling angle. If you are someone who absolutely can't stand wrestling, then you might want to reread some of my previous work. That being said, this is going to be awesome.

Following his win over Rhino on Sunday at NO Surrender, "The Monster" Abyss looked into the camera and reaffirmed what he had been saying for months.

"They are coming. 10-10-10." He screamed.

What Abyss is saying is that at Bound For Glory (which is October 10th, 2010), TNA will finally shed some light on their longest running story arch: a pending invasion angle which they've been setting up since mid June. What he's saying, is the "They" that he has been cryptically working for throughout the summer will finally have a face. 10-10-10, they're going to let us know what the fuck is going on. Because really, no one knows whats coming.

That hasn't stopped people from throwing some wild ass theories out there. Over the last three months, the Internet Wrestling Community has ran wild with hypotheses about the identity of "They".

In June, we thought "They are coming" signaled the long anticipated arrival of wrestling guru. Paul Heyman. It was not. In July, the presence of former ECW stars (Tommy Dreamer, Raven, Stevie Richards etc) had us speculating over a Hardcore themed revolution. It wasn't long before we found out they too, were not the "They" Abyss spoke of. In fact Abyss went as far to say that "They" (whoever they were) were not happy about the idea of 'Hardcore Jusitce'.

In August, after Abyss and the newly formed Fortune took out the former ECW stars (now named EV2.0 to avoid legal complications), it was assumed that THEY were who Abyss warned us about. Abyss not only debunked the theory that Fortune was behind everything, he went then announced that the date of arrival for who he was speaking of was 10-10-10 (again, the date for Bound for Glory).

If reading those last couple of paragraphs confused you, and/or left you a little angry... feel free to join the club. We have jackets made up and everything. A little piece of me died each time "They" were failed to be revealed.

TNA has effectively built up the anticipation for this huge storyline, but they have systematically eliminated seemingly all the people capable of delivering a huge payoff. Heyman never showed up, it wasn't Ev2.0, and it's not Fortune. Wild internet theories are now pointing to Hogan and Bischoff (or maybe just one of them) pulling a giant blanket over our eyes and being behind it the whole time (which would tie in Sting's storyline as well, but that is for another day). Which would suck because honestly, it would make no sense. Abyss has explicitly said that Bischoff AND Hogan AS WELL AS President Dixie Carter are all targeted to be "taken out". Also, neither of them need to stage an invasion because they already are presented to hold ultimate authority.

So who could it be? Who or what could be big enough to deliever on a pay off nearly 5 months in the making (which in modern day wrestling is like seven years of storylines)?

Well, Paul Heyman, of course.

I have thought about it long and hard (to be honest, I have put so much thought in it, it's embarrassing) and the pony tailed creator of ECW is the only one that makes ANY sense.

Of course this is just a theory, but I think it's a damn good one. And if it somehow plays out to be true, then the people responsible should when Pulitzer. If this theory is true that means TNA and Paul Heyman created something thought to be impossible in today's internet age... they would have been able to keep a secret.

This idea becomes less far fetched that they could do this when you break down who we are talking about. On one side of the negotiating table we have Dixie Carter and TNA Wrestling. TNA has long been a head of the pack when it comes to the handling of the internet. They embrace the information super highway. They produce shows intended specifically for the internet, featuring content like bonus matches and interviews. Not to mention most of their wrestlers connect with the public through social media outlets, such as twitter, which they use to hype weekly shows and pay per view events.

Dixie Carter herself is often criticized by her recent use of hyping 'big announcements' through twitter. Multiple times over the summer, Carter mentioned announcements that 'will change TNA forever' that seemed to have never come to fruition. Carter was accused heavily for hyping things that were either not that imortant, or maybe not even official to begin with. Biggest example was before Slammaversary, Dixie promised 'TNA was about to change forever'. Everyone assumed this meant Paul Heyman would be making his debut. It ended up being Tommy Dreamer.

But what if she never meant for it to take place then. She never mentions a date. Is it possible that we have yet to see the results of what she was referring too? Unlikely if you look at the quickness in which storylines are slapped together today. But when you start to think about the other party involved, it becomes a little more plausable.

On the other side of the table, we have Paul Heyman himself. The Mad Genius behind the rise (and fall) of Extreme Championship Wrestling. The mouth piece behind Brock Lesners meteoric rise in the WWE. A man considered by many to possess what TNA needs to save them. If Paul Heyman truly posses the creative ingenuity to take TNA to higher grounds, is it beyond reasoning that he could've orchestrated something like this?

My Theory is simple: I believe Paul Heyman and TNA have agreed to terms and that Paul Heyman will be taking over at Bound For Glory. I believe that it was been planned for months now, and that Paul Heyman has been able to successfully keep the internet in the cold.

Speculation aside, there are things we DO know.

  • We know TNA has been able to keep a secret in the past. There were NO hints about the Hogan and Bischoff signing before it happened.

  • We do know that when Dixie Cart tweeted "if you guys only knew who I met with today" on July 8th, it was with Paul Heyman.

  • We do know that before that meeting Paul Heyman never took TNA's offers seriously.

  • We know that Heyman has outlandish demands. Huge payday, complete control etc.

  • We know outside of those demands, Paul Heyman is VERY interested in working with the Spike TV network. Possibly on other projects as well.

  • We know that talks were reported to be dead by the end of July. Then a report of a phone conference between Spike TV executives and Paul Heyman leaked to the internet.

  • We know Spike TV wants Paul Heyman.

  • Reportedly, Heyman was said to be close to a deal with Strikeforce (an MMA company-like a low rent UFC). Maybe he is, maybe thats just part of the work. We can go ahead and cross of working with Spike TV if he signs with Strikeforce, they're already work with TNA and UFC.

Hmmm... could the swerve be on? Possibly.

If Paul Heyman were ever to come back to pro wrestling, one would assume it wouldn't be to rehash old storylines. Heyman is an innovator who is always looking to do whats never been done. That was one of the draws behind ECW. He is going to find what the wrestling industry's next big thing is, and be one of the first to exploit it.

Ken Anderson (a current TNA wrestler, and friend of Heyman) during an interview on ESPN 540 Pro Wrestling Report said, "I know Paul Heyman keeps up with pop culture more then any human being I know. He knows whats going on, he knows whats popular. He knows what people are going to bite on".

So what is wresltings next frontier? What would people "bite on." Well, Heyman does know the internet. He runs the popular website, Is it unreasonable to think that someone with a track record of creating new and shocking storylines, and has a working experience with the internet (especially with today's emphasis on the information the internet provides), would try and use the internet to sell a storyline?

He has been somewhat outspoken about his dealings with TNA as of late. Even though most of his comments could be considered as critical, it still should raise an eyebrow. During an interview an August on MMA Hour with Ariel Helwani, Heyman even went as far to say he had 'justified his own interest' in regards to working with TNA and Spike TV. He was quoted to saying, "They're not ready for me, " while discussing whether or not that meant he was going to be joining. TNA being ready or not, it didn't stop him from giving a taste of what to expect if he were to ever gain control, and putting the ever increasing veteran influence on notice, "if you're over 40, then I'd cut your fucking head off."

Which brings me perfectly into why I think he will finally show up with a faction of young superstars at Bound For Glory (just got on record, I believe Christopher Daniels will be apart of it). I believe"They" are coming to begin a crusade to rid TNA of the pay check stealing veterans and talent that can't draw.

They're coming for Hogan, Bishcoff and the people they brought in. They're coming for Ev2.0 (Heyman was openly critical about the reunion show as well). They're coming for the old guys. They're coming for whoever shouldn't be there. They're coming for Dixie Carter for allowing this to happen.

Heyman said he would cut their heads off the old guys and build new stars. What if it wasn't just specualtion. What if he was telling us what he IS going to do?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Questions about Pete Carroll and the Seahawks

One week from today my Seattle Seahawks make theri 2010 debute against the San Fransisco 49ers. And I'm not really sure how I feel about that.

I've been extremely flip floppy in my anticipation over the up coming season. A month ago, I would've been ok with skipping the NFL and going to straight to the NBA season. Two weeks ago (after my first fantasy draft) I was ready for the NFL, but strictly for gambling purposes. One week ago, after my second draft (and a masterful one at that), was stoked for the upcoming year. Still, my excitement is primarely reserved for Fantasy purposes.

Excitement for Fantasy Football aside, I remain alarmingly skeptical about the 2010 version of my Seahawks. And for good reason- I have no idea what to expect from this team.

Initally I expected a shitty year and a strong push for local boy Jake Locker. Evidence from the last two years strongly supports that expectation. The Seahawks, who are only 5 years removed from playing in the Superbowl, are a combined 9-23 since they last won the NFC west in 2007.

They're big move in the offseason this year was the firing of Jim Mora after one season, and quickly replacing him with NCAA refugee Pete Carroll (who brings with him an NFL career record of 33-31 and a life time of bad Karma from bailing on USC once shit hit the fan with the players recieving money scandle).

I gotta take a break right there.

To be honest, I've actually been looking at that last paragraph for a half hour and I have no idea where to go. 9 months after we hired him and I'm still confused as to why. Seriously, what do we gain by bringing him in?

I get that he was a very successful coach in college. I'll give him that (I won't even mention that his former team just got bitch slapped by the NCAA for violations involving players recieving money-oops). But that was college. This is the pro's. And in the NFL, he was mediocre. He coached one year with the Jets going 6-10. His next stab at being a head coach came when he took over the New England Patriots (the year after their Superbowl loss to the Greenbay Packers). He lasted 3 years that time going 27-21 and missing the playoffs his final year.

Again I'm torn. Here we have a coach who has an above .500 record as a head coach, but was fired twice in four seasons. He had unrivaled success for nearly a decade in college, but suddenly became available for a return to the NFL when it was discovred that former USC stars recieved illegal contributions under his watch. He took the Patriots to the playoffs in 97 and 98. In '99 he missed the playoffs, and was ultimately let go.

In 2001, the New England Patriots the Superbowl.

Lets give Pete the benifit of the doubt with that whole situation. After all the 2000 Patriots only won 5 games. So they techniqually were worse without him. The '01 Patriots team wasn't oozing with talent either. It was Bill Belichick turning in one of the all time great coaching performances by taking nothing more then average talent (led by unknown back up QB Tom Brady) and getting them to grossly over achieve while he schemed their way to stealing a Superbowl from the offensive powerhouse St. Louis Rams.

The question as always: was Pete that bad, or was Bill that good?

Signs point to Bill being that good. After all, he does have three rings and coached the only team since 1972 Dolphins to go undefeated during the regular season.

Also an interesting stat to look at: Belicheck's record through his first four years as head coach: 31-33. Which doesn't mean anything, but worth looking at anyway. Especially when trying to stir up excitement for your team.

Do I expect Carroll to be like Belicheck. No, no, no, I do not. Do I expect Seattle to win more games with him then they did with Mora? Thats the thing, I don't know.

On paper, Carroll is basically bringing back the same damn team. They have added RB Leon Washington, and rookies Golden Tate, Earl Thomas and prized first round draft pick Russel Okung (who already has a right ankle sprain). Most of the core guys are still there. Matt Hasselback, Justin Forset, Marcus Trufant, Lofa Tatupa and Aaron Curry all remain in uniform. Returning players is all fine and good, but those core guys gave us a 5 win season. Forgive me for not doing cart-wheels.

I understand they were injury depleted. Hasselback, Trufant and Tatupa all missed serious time last year. And I have been known to defend Hasselback till I'm blue in the face, often by citing "no quarterback has the abillity to complete passes while laying on their back." That being said, the question as always-why should I think this year is different?

Am I supposed to believe that our offensive line is going to give Hasselback some breathing room and help keep him on his feet? They're already having issues with Okungs ankle and the sudden departure of Alex Gibbs (Gibbs, known as the "Godfather of Zone Blocking" was our offensive line coach). Is it possible that our D-Line is going to be able to stop anybody? They sure couldn't last year.

Here is a big question, am I supposed to buy into the 'Mike Williams is going to be an upgrade over TJ Houshmandzadeh?' theory?

Thats what the Seahawks believe, or atleast what they're trying to sell us after the suprise releasing of the former All-Pro on Saturday. TJ Housmandzadeh is out after one season. Mike Williams is in after being out of the league for the last two years due to him being fat. The Seahawks have dropped our top producing Reciever and someone who had guarenteed money coming to him to make room for one of Carrolls former USC recievers. This isn't the first time I've seen this move, where a team pays someone to NOT play for their team. It happens alot actually. The Blazers did it to Steve Francis. What makes this situation unique is the fact that paying someone to not play for your team is typically reserved for shit heads who can't stay out of trouble and are taking more off the table then they're putting on. But TJ isn't a shit head, and most importantly-HE WAS STILL PRODUCING!

I know Mike Williams played good in the pre season, but that doesn't say much. It's still the preseason. He is going to have to produce like the former 1st round pick that he is all season. He better have a made for Hollywood style comeback year, for this situation not to smell like shit. It is absolutely a must for him to play out of his damn mind if the Seahawks want us to forget they're paying TJ almost 7 million dollars to play somewhere else this season.

Lots of questions. Lots, and lots of questions going into the season. Is our O-Line going to block somebody this year? Or does Hasselback have to upgrade his health insurance? Is Mike Williams going to still look like a monster when he isn't covered by guys who will be pumping gas a week from now? Is Pete Carroll going to be able to avoid repercussions from the karmic holocaust he caused with his departure of USC? 7 day's till those questions start getting some answers.

On the subject of our coaching change, I guess I'm willing to give Carroll a chance. I have to. The Seahawks have given me no choice. It feels like a forced family vacation to Idaho. I'm not happy about it, but the Seahawks are my team and I'm going to support them for better or worse.

On the brighside, if we suck again this year...we can always fire him and draft Jake Locker!