Saturday, September 24, 2011

Week 3

Last Sunday was the ultimate protrayal of the current state of Northwest sports. While the Blazers (and the rest of the NBA) remain locked out, the Mariners and Seahawks both took the field on Sunday and combined for a total score of 0 points. Pittsburgh made a Vegas regret only giving Seattle 15 points, while Texas blanked the M's (again) 3-0.To add salt to an already gaping wound, it was the second to last Felix start of the season.


Our region is truly becoming a Shakespearian tradgety of the sports world (this would not be a good time for Soccer fans to speak up and talk about the Sounders and/or Timbers).


I hope the Seahawks show some pride this week. They have their home opener and they are playing Arizona. This is a perfect time for a first win. Marshawn is going to need more then 22 yards to make that happen though ( only 19 carries for 44 yards on the season).


If Seattle loses, expect me to place an order for my official Andrew Luck jersey sometime mid week.


Now on for the picks:



  • 49ers @ Bengals (-1 1/2) Alex Smith on the road? Yuck. That being said, do I see a rookie QB lead Bengals team starting off 2-1? No I do not. Niners win.

  • Jaguars @ Panthers (-3 1/2) Did you know that Cam Newton has thrown for 400 yards in back to back games to start his career? Oh you did?! ESPN mentioned that?! I didn't know... Typically, I would say something like 'all good things come to an end, expect Newton to suck ass' but he is lucking out and playing the Jaguars this week. Carolina for the win, and expect that comment next week.

  • Lions (-3 1/2) @ Vikings I played this game on Madden, with both teams coming in with their real life records, and the Vikings won. Convincingly. Detroit, on the other hand, already beat a a playoff caliber team on the road (Tampa, week1 ). Plus, unfortunately for my fantasy team, I don't see AP going for 225 yards and 3 scores. Take Detroit.


  • Broncos @ Titans (-7) Remember when Seattle officially ended negotiations with Hasselbeck causing cheers out of a suprising number of Seahawk fans? Apparently they thought Seattles inabillity to give him any protection over the last couple seasons was his fault. Fast forward to this season, Hasselbeck is playing with the Titans and despite only being on their team for 7 weeks has two 300 yard games and led the Titans to a win over the Ravens. I hate to say I told you so, but I did say it. Broncos cover, Titans win.

  • Dolphins @ Browns (1 1/2) Despite that Miami is desperate for a win and their recent road successes, I still am going to lean on the home team this week. I'm taking Cleveland. (EDIT NOTE: Sunday morning Browns starting running back Payton Hillis checked into the Madden Curse Hotel. He was a game time scratch)

  • Giants @ Eagles (-7 1/2) Do I think the Eagles can beat the Giants by over a touchdown at home? Well, being that Vick has yet to go off yet this year, yes I do. But since I'm facing Vick in both my leagues, I'm going to pray the Giants keep it close. Giants cover, Eagles win.

  • Texans @ Saints (-4) Hey Texans, you looked great against the Colts. Now lets see how you look against the Saints. I say good luck keeping up, Saints cover.

  • Patriots (-7 1/2) @ Bills I wish I was home to watch this game. I won't be. Is Ryan Fitzpatrick really good? Well yeah, probably. But he isn't a top 5 QB and thats what Buffalo would need to stay in this game. It's going to end like 42-28 in favor of New England.

  • Cheifs @ Chargers (-14 1/2) If Kansas can't keep this game respectable, fire Todd Haley. Fire him swiftly. They have been outscored 89-10 this season. Another ass beating would be the nail in the coffin for both their season and Haley's job. That being said, I predict ass whoopin. Chargers cover (and midway throught he third quarter I'll need a cigerette after Vincent Jackson eclipses the 200 yard recieving marker).

  • Ravens (-4 1/2)@ Rams Rams were supposed to be a good team. Misfortune has yet again reared her ugly head upon this midwestern franchise and they have stumbled out the blocks on an 0-2 start. Misfortune, apparently a super bitch, has sent Baltimore into town following a loss. Raven's gonna kick some ass tonight. Expect Ravens to cover, and Ray Rice to make all of his fantasy owners very, very wet.

  • Jets (-3) @ Raiders-I think the Raiders will win in the neighborhood of 7 games this year. This is not one of them. Jets Cover.

  • Falcons @ Buccaneers - Pick 'em- I pick Tampa ( only for the reason that I have already picked 5 road teams and I still have the Packers and Steelers games to pick).


  • Cardinals (-3 1/2) @ Seahawks the Seahawks are not good. Atleast on the road. We haven't seen them in the hostile clutches of Qwest (I mean CenturyLink) Field yet. Hawks will cover or I will drink.

  • Packers (-4) @ Bears So is Chicago good or are they bad? Who really knows? This week is not the week for answers though. Take the Packers.


  • Steelers (-11) @ Colts Poor state of Indiana. If Pitt covered the -15 1/2 last week against Seattle, they sure as shit are going to cover -11 against the Colts (of course since I picked Seattle to cover last week against that monster 15 point cushion, expect both KC and Indy to make me look like an asshole). Pitt covers.

  • Redskins @ Cowboys (-4 1/2) Miles Austin is out. Felix Jones is banged up. Romo has seemingly everything but bullet wounds. Skins cover.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Week 2

Every year I run multiple Fantasy Football franchises. Not because I'm ADDICTED to FF, rather it's because I love to draft the fantasy teams. In fact, I love it so much a couple years ago it got a little out of control and I over extended myself, fantasy wise. That resulted in me installing the 2 team Max limit of two years ago. I decided this because the more teams you have, the more your attention gets divided. You start blending the teams, and run the embarrassing risk of actions like: Thinking you set your teams but end up forgetting to do one, or offering players in trades that you actually don't have in that league.

It's not good business. So two, I find, is a nice number.

I have also found that in a given season I usually have one really good team, and one not so good team. Last year in my ESPN league, I had the best record in the regular season and lost the championship game (for the second year in a row). On the flipside, my Yahoo league I won like 3 games (I have a logical excuse for that mishap: I was very drunk during the draft. Self imposed Fantasy Rule #2, Don't Drink During the Draft).

I have since dropped out of the Yahoo league and started up another Fantasy League on ESPN. From here forward, the new league will be refered to as the 'Vancouver League' while my old one will be refered to as 'The Highschool League'.

Don't worry, I won't talk much about my fantasy team. I know that listening/reading about someone elses fantasy league is about as fun as sitting on a broom handle, so I will regulate the amount of attention I call to them.

That being said, both teams lost last week and I'd like to thank Stephen Jackson and Ben Roethlisberger for both of them. Stephen Jackson, who injured himself on a 47 yard touchdown, will now be referred to as "Stephanie Jackson" untill further notice. It's also to be noted that Stephanie probably won't be playing this week due to a 'strained quad' which is medical speak for bloating and an excessively bloody vagina.

Ben Roethlisberger, who has found his way as my starting QB in both leagues, seemingly went out of his way to fuck me. In his season opener, he lead his Pittsburgh Steelers to an amazing 35-7 ass beating at the hands of the Ravens, in a game where he turned the ball over 5 times. 2 fumbles, 3 picks. Now I can't back this up with fact, but I'm pretty sure thats the worst game I've ever had from my starting QB slot. Ever.

Luckily, he is playing my Seahawks this week, so he should bounce back nicely, while simultaniously making me want to vomit (due to the dismantiling of my Seahawks). Its a classic case of the Fantasy players plight: When one of your big guns is playing your favorite team. The only thing you can really hope for is a 45-37 win (for the Hawks, of course) with Roethlisburger going for 5 Td's.

Unfortunately, it's a waste of time to hope for that, since the Seahawks are still running out Tavaris Jackson. Knowing my luck, David Hawethorne will probably light Big Ben up on the second play of the game, instantly killing him, and I will get to watch Charlie Batch ( or whoever is the back up QB for the Steelers) set a league record with 10 passing touchdowns as Pitt runs over Seattle 70-3.

Now Lets talk about this week, before my imagination convinces me this will actually happen and I swallow a bullet:


  • Jacksonville @ New York Jets (-10) If the Jets only win by 11, they should be embarrassed. Take the Jets.


  • Bears @ Saints (-7) We heard in the offseason that Culter came into camp focused and ready for blood. He promptly went out and torched NFC favorite Atlanta Falcons for a cool 300+ yards. That being said, I don't see the Saints starting the season 0-2. Saints win, Bears cover.


  • Oakland @ Buffalo (-3) Who knows. When in doubt, don't take the team playing across the country on a short week. Ladies and Gents, take Buffalo.


  • Arizona @ Washington (-3) I got a fantasy prediction for you: Tim Hightower torches his former team for 3 scores, giving me a boner and promply leading me to trading him for 700 percent of his true value. Washington wins and covers.


  • Ravens (-7) @ Tennessee- hmmmm. DO I think the Ravens can cover playing on the road a week after shitting all over the defending AFC champions. Yes, yes I do. Ravens win and cover.


  • Seattle @ Pittsburg(-15)- 15!?!? Let me get this straight, I'm supposed to think my Seattle Seahawks are going to get blown out by over 2 touchdowns when we have Matty Hass...wait, what? Oh my God you mean that Tavaris thing wasn't a dream?! He REALLY is my Quarterback. Fuck. Nevermind, 15 might be safe. I'm going to go on record and say Seattle stays within 15. Of course I say this not because I believe it, but because I'm praying to God they can. Seattle covers, Pitt wins.


  • Packers (-11) @ Panthers- A lot of people freaked out over Cam Newton's debute last week. And for good reason, he went for over 400 yards. That makes them look like one of those teams that gets lopsided spreads all year and covers alot by shitty, meaningless, 4th quarter touchdowns. That being said, covering may be difficult after Clay Mathews has dry humped Cam all day long and Aaron Rodgers has hung 45 on them. Take the Pack.


  • Tampa Bay @ Minnesota(-2 1/2) Untill Minnesota learns to give Adrian Peterson the ball 28+ times, they can go fuck themselves. I say Tampa wins and obviously covers.


  • Kansas City @ Detroit(-9)- Here is what we know about this match up. Kansas City got blown out by Buffalo, at home. They have also lost their best defensive player for the season. Detroit beat the piss out of Tampa, on the road. They did not lose their best player. Kansas City made the playoffs last year, Detroit hasn't won 7 games since I've had a drivers license. I guess what I'm getting at is Detroit wins and covers.


  • Cleveland(-1) @ Indianapolis- sometimes it's as easy as Colt McCoy is better than Kerry Collins. Browns win and cover.


  • Dallas (-2 1/2) @ San Fransisco- Dallas beat up on the Jets for 3 quarters last week. The 49ers almost gave a game to the Seahawks where they had a 16 point lead at halftime. Cowboys are the team I picked to win the East, so naturally I think they will beat the shit out of SF. Dallas wins by at least a touchdown.


  • Houston (-2 1/2) @ Miami- I still think Miami is shitty and has a real possibillity of starting Andrew Luck next year. Take the Texans for the win and cover.


  • San Diego @ New England (-8)- If New England is ever to lose a game at home the rest of this decade, this be the one. I don't think it will be, but I also think San Diego stays close enough to cover. New England wins, San Diego covers.


  • Cincinnati vs Denver (-3) The only way I would ever be interested in this game is if I was told before hand that Scarlett Johanasson was going to be roaming the sidelines naked. Sadly, she is not. That beging said, I see Tim Tebow continuing the use of his Anti-Kyle Orton black magic from the sideline, causing damn near a riot in the crowd and costing the Broncos the game. Take whatever team plays Denver in Denver untill Tebow gets put in the lineup, hurt, or cut. EDIT NOTE: I'm not saying Denver is going to lose this game, just that Cinci will cover.


  • Philladelphia (-1) @ Atlanta- Legend has it is that Michael Vick stil has a warm spot in the heart of ATLians everywhere. So I guess the life long tradition of lustily booing former franchise players is going to be on hold here. Unfortunate. Atlanta is going to 0-2. Obviously, Philly covers.


  • St.Louis vs New York Giants(-7)- I'm calling it right now, I'll be watching Raw and the Charlie Sheen Roast instead of this. Here is hoping Stepahnie sack's up and plays. My team needs it. St Louis needs it. St. Louis covers, New York wins.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

WEEK 1: Predictions and Promises

Thank God, the NFL is back.

And oh boy is it ever back. That Saints/Packers game was a classic. At one point, I believe it was when Rodgers was leading the Packers to their 21 points in the first quarter, I called my dad and theorized that Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth were actually playing a game of Madden 12.

Drew Brees and Rodgers did the Quarterback position a disservice by making it look so easy. They looked so good it was almost like they were calling the Defensive plays too.

And as a Drew Brees fantasy owner, I couldn't have been more tickled pink by his performance. I traded for him and a slew of other players for Michael Vick yesterday and felt like I betrayed a family member. 410 yards and 3 scores later, I feel good about my decision.

I almost felt incredible about my decision, but Sean Payton called a running play on the goalline with no time remaining in a move that had me cursing his name all night.

In the end, the Pack stuffed Mark Ingram instead of Drew Brees finding Jimmy Graham, and the Packers start the season 1-0.

Now its time to get on the record for the rest of the season (by the way, I had Pack winning 31-28.... so, so close). I'm going to try and do a weekly update through out the season about fantasy related issues and previewing upcoming games. We'll see how that works out though, remember, I am freshly married (in the process of adopting our daughter), working full time and going to school. So weekly updates could be a pipe dream. We'll see.

Lets start by looking at the games this week:


  • Bills at Cheifs(-5 1/2) I think Charlie Sheen has a better chance of getting sober then Kansas City has in making the playoffs this year. Same with Buffalo. That being said, Stevie Johnson was a key member of my fantasy team last year. So I feel obligated to pick Buffalo. That being said, I will not be picking them to win in Arrowhead. KC wins but doesn't cover.


  • Lions at Buccaneers (-1) I love LaGarrette Blount . So much, that I spell checked his first name to make sure I got it right. I did. Bucc's win. EDIT NOTE: Despite my Declaration that I had infact spelt Blount's name right- I didn't. On the original post, I didn't captialize the 'G'. We can all thank the Born Winner for pointing this out and simultaneously ruining my day


  • Falcons(-3) at Bears Everyone thinks Chicago is destined to return to the celler of the NFC north this year. Alot of people also think Atlanta will regress. I have no feelings towards both teams. However, I did meet Bears fans on my honeymoon, so in honor of them- Chicago wins and we get to listen to a week of 'Jake Cutler is finally delivering the goods' stories.


  • Eagles(-4 1/2) at Rams True or False, the St Louis Rams are your 2011 NFC West champions. False, the season hasn't started yet, dumbass. That being said, for fantasy purposes I hope Steven Jackson runs up and down on the Eagles and Michael Vick has a prison flash back (since I just traded him and Santonio Holmes for Drew Breese, Tim Hightower, Vincent Jackson and Danny Armendola).Sadly, I'm picking Eagles to win and cover.


  • Colts at Texans (-9) Texans win, cover, and we begin the Colts impression of the season the Spurs tanked for Tim Duncan.


  • Bengals at Browns (-7) Colt McCoy vs Andy Dalton, and this game isn't on my tv? How is that possible. In related news, Carson Palmer is still not a Seahawk. Bengals blow, Browns win and cover.


  • Steelers at Ravens (-1) Years ago I made a rule that I will never bet against Tom Brady. It was a combonation of his 3 Superbowls and ultimately him saving my life during his 07 season. Ben Rothlisberger isn't quite 'Don't Ever Bet Against' but he is close. Dude just wins games. On the flipside, Joe Flacco does not inspire such confidence. Assualtisberger for the win.


  • Titans at Jag's (-1) This game is going to suck for one of two reasons. Either the Titans look good, and I will spend the rest of my season missing Matt Hasselbeck (which I probably will regardless). Or the Titans suck and this game is unwatchable- since the Jag's will absolutely suck. Titans win, cover, and some.


  • Panthers at Cardinals (-7) I want to say the Panthers cover, because I really don't like the Cardinals. But a rookie quarterback, on the road, in his first game? I gotta take AZ. Damn.


  • Seahawks at Niners (-51/2) Screw the Niners, and screw conventional wisdom. Seahawks cover, win, then burn the city of San Fran to the ground for good measure. YOU HEAR ME TEEJAY!?!?! If you are reading this SEATTLE IS TAKING YOU DOWN.


  • Giants (-3) at Redskins I'm officially driving Tim Hightowers bandwagon, please purchase your ticket before we leave the station. We will not come back for you. Redskins win.


  • Vikings at Chargers (-9) I hate when Running Backs get paid. Thank Shaun Alexander for that. Adrian Peterson just pulled in a 100 million dollar extension. So I should hate Adrian Peterson, right? Well I don't. He is still the best RB alive. Chargers win, but the Vikes cover.


  • Cowboys at Jets (5 1/2) Cowboys for the win. Thats all I'm going to say. If I stay on this game longer, I'm likely to change my opinion.


  • Patriots (-7) at Miami Boil this one down to Henne vs Brady and you get my answer. Never Bet Against Brady is the cousin to Never Bet On Henne. They could've set this line at -10 and I would've bet on Brady to cover.


  • Raiders at Bronco (-3) Denver seems like an organization that is ran with effiency and general know how. They hired Josh McDaniels two years ago to replace Mike Shannahan, quickly recognized their error and fired him during his second season. On the flipside, Al Davis runs his Raiders like he is a Sheik. He fired Tom Cable after he produced what might be the best Raider team in half a decade. Denver wins.


Now last year we started the Division predictions. Lets continue this tradition. In case you were wondering, Jesse did correctly pick the Superbowl winner. So he's got that going for him. And like last year, we took it to the pannel (we were going to do full division predictions, but the Born Winner fucked it up. So here are the playoff teams)

ME: St. Louis, Green Bay, New Orleands, Dallas Philladelphia(Wild Card) and Atlanta (Wild Card) San Diego, Pittsburg, Tennessee, New England, Baltimore (Wild Card) and New York (WIld Card) SUPERBOWL- New England over Green Bay

Jesse: St Louis, Green Bay, Atlanta, Dallas, New Orleans (Wild Card) and Philladelphia (Wild Card) San Diego, Pittsburg, Houston, New England, New York (Wild Card) and Baltimore (Wild Card) SUPERBOWL- Green Bay over Pittsburg
Born Winner: St Louis, Green Bay, Tampa Bay Philladelphia, Dallas (Wild Card) and New Orleans(Wild Card) Denver, Pittsburg, Houston, New England, Cleveland (Wild Card) and New York (wild card) SUPERBOWL- New England over Green Bay

Couple interesting things to consider with these predictions, all three of us picked St Louis to win the NFC West, so that means Seattle will find a way to do it again. We also picked Green Bay to return, meaning Philladelphia will probably be as good as advertised and run through.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I Dream of....Carson?

A week from now the Seattle Seahawks will begin their 2011 campaign against those Asshats from San Fransico- the 49ers. I'm not sure how I feel right now about the Hawks. For the second straight year (atleast with Carroll in control) we have tons of questions heading into the first week of the season. Having a lockout shrink the development time of this team didn't help and either did scrapping Matt Hasselbeck.

Next Sunday, Tavaris Jackson makes his first regular season start for the Seahawks. Boy does that sentence bring up a lot of hard hitting questions. Questions like: What the hell?! Why did we get rid of Hasselbeck again? And what happens if Tavaris blows (which is a very, very, very real possibillity)?

Luckily I'm a professional when it comes to speculation, so I'll answer all three at once: I don't know. I don't know what management is thinking with replacing Hasselbeck with T Jack, and it's not like Chaz Whitehurst (aka Charlie Whitehurst, aka our 2nd string QB) is any less of a headache. And to be honest, I'm forcing myself to not think about the potential devistation at the QB position. It's too depressing. So for the last couple days, I've found something else to focus my brain waves on.

Lately, I have thinking about Carson Palmer.

Why am I thinking about a partially retired, former Trojan, who despite his apperences on a number of all pro teams, never quite lived up to his potential?

Simple. Carson Palmer is better then Tavaris or Chaz. And the rest of the Seahawks team looks like it could be good.

Why do I think he could be a Seahawk? Well, because Carson Palmer has yet to report to the Bengals. After last season, he told Bengals management they could trade him, cut him, or he'll retire. The Bengals Mike Brown responded and has said time, and time again that they will not be parting ways with Carson, and his only way out IS retirement. Ironically, by taking a hard edge, 'fuck you' stance with their former franchise QB, the Bengals have potentially once again sat their franchise on a broom handle.

The Bengals prepared for L.A.C (Life After Carson) by drafting Andy Dalton to replace him. They have since made him the Week 1 starting Quarterback. They are officially all in on the Andy Dalton era in Cincinnatti. Which seems find and dandy, except when all Carson Palmer has to do is report to the team and sodomizes the immediate future of the franchise. By just showing up, Carson Palmer puts the Bengals on the hook for 11 million dollars(and thats GUARANTEED).
If Palmer does this, he has pinned Brown in an awkward situation. Brown obviously would like to stand firm, like he did a few seasons ago with OchoCinco, when he tried to force his way out. OchoCinco demanded a trade, Mike Brown told him, 'no,' and Ocho eventually came to camp to collect his check and play for the Bengals.

But by the Bengals being proactive in replacing Palmer, if he shows up, you can't just tell Dalton, "oh, Carsons the starter now." You don't want to begin a relationship with your franchise Quarterback by benching him before he gets a chance to screw up. On the other hand, you don't want to pay a back up quarterback 11 million dollars (GUARENTEED!).

Mike Brown would have to give in and cut or trade the former Heisman winner(of course this is all speculation of how a NORMAL team would think, and I am not taking account for how people within the Bengals organization might screw this up).

If/When Palmer becomes availible, name me another team that would be more desperate to get him then Seattle?

5 months ago, my brother texted me and said, "Seattle's getting Carson Palmer," to which I responded, "if they do I will slit my wrists." I was violently opposed to Carson Palmer reuniting with his college coach. I just kept flashing back to a week 1 ass beating at the hands of the Patriots, where despite the high yard total he put up, he looked awful. The only thing he did consistently in that game was throw balls at Terrell Owens and OchoCinco's feet.

After three weeks of trying to talk myself into the Tavaris Jackson Experience with lines like, "he's thrown more career touchdowns then picks," and "he's familiar with Sidney Rice," or my favorite, "he'll be better when the o-line gells together." I would like to retard the intensity of my anti Carson Palmer sentiments.

Carson Palmer finished with a rather confusing season. Whenever the Bengals were on tv,I remember thinking, 'damn, he looks terrible' like I did during the Patriots game. However Palmer, who is a 2 time pro-bowler, finished 2010 with 26 TD's and 3900 yards. His completion percentage was at 61.8 percent (his career completion percentage is 62)and he threw the ball more then he has in his entire career. So the stats tell a different story (except he did throw 20 picks, so that crappy part was true).

So while I was once adamantly against Palmer wearing blue, I find myself asking questions like, "was it just the stink of the Bengals bringing him down?" "maybe a change of scenery would do him good." I don't know. I don't know these answers. All I'm saying is it could be worth exploring.

Because the one thing I DO KNOW, is that according to this preseason, T-Jack and Chaz aren't the answers to anyones questions.

Mariners: August in Review

I've got to be honest, I've checked out on the 2011 season. At the end of June, I disconnected my cable to save money for my wedding. In July, the wheels fell off the bandwagon and I managed to keep tabs in horrified curiosity. However, August saw me take on tasks like, de-bachelor my apartment, participate in my Honeymoon (where I was unable to check ESPN) and then start school up again.

I'm a full time dad, full time husband, full time employee of a nationally recognized financial institution, and a part time student. Following the Mariners had to get put on the back burner. After all, it's not like they are giving me a reason to make an appointment with their brodcasting (of course this does not go for Felix and Pineda starts. They are still must see).

Still, even 2 out of every five games is more effort into this years team then Chone Figgins put. Thank God he finally got that season ending hang nail I predicted.

I would feel like I was lying if I came out and ranted about the month of August having not paid it much attention outside of looking at box scores and checking up with their blogs. It's just not proper journalism (or is it...).

That being said, I do think Mike Carp will be our DH to start next season. In the month of August he batted .313 with 6 Hr's 25 RBI's. That shames anything Jack Cust did this year.

The interesting thing going into September to pay attention to will be this:


  • Will someone get to 20 HR's? Olivo is the leader in the club house with 16 to date. Justin Smoak, who returned to the team this week would need, is the only other Mariner over 10 Home Runs and he is sitting at 12. Due to a thumb injury, he hasn't homered since June- so don't bet a pay check on him getting hot.

  • Can Felix get to 15 wins? He's got 13 right now, and probably 4 starts remaning. But this is the Mariners we are talking about... and sometimes they forget how to score runs.

Lets hope they don't forget how to score runs. Again.