Dropping a Deuce at school or work

Let me paint a picture for you:

It's 9:13 am, and I am in the handicap stall with my legs spread out, laptop on my bare knee, taking a shit that is going to result in me being tracked by the government from now on for possible terrorist connections. Believe me, it's putrid.

But how awesome is America and technology where I can experience this joy on an almost daily basis. I am cleaning out my colon, while peacefully reading twitter updates. As long as I can do that-the terrorists will never win.

Same thing with doing it at work. I make it a point to take time out of my work day (an unplanned break of course) to go in the bathroom and grow a tail. I get paid to get called a "piece of shit" all day, so why not get paid to make a "piece of shit"? It's the biggest no brainer, ever.

I wish I could take a picture of how much room the handicap really have in here. Do they need chaperones to come poop? Thats the only explanation for having THIS much room. While the poor schmuck in the next stall has to practically stand up while squeezing one out just to fit.

I don't go out of my way to shit in the handicap stall. There was just someone else in the other one. But I'm glad I did. This is luxury. This must be what Peter Griffin felt like when he discovered the executive bathroom.

Alright I'm gonna go. I gotta put my laptop down to wipe.

PS. I wrote about this phenomenon once on my Myspace blog. If you feel like reading more of my thoughts about shitting while having a laptop feel free to snoop around. I'll even provide a link

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=380162430&blogId=447219185

Week 6 thoughts

Despite the fact that I was supposed to be at work at 8:30 this morning, I woke up with a little bit of a pep in my step. Wanna knowh why?

You sure?

Ok...it's be cause THE "BIG SEXUAL ASSAULTER" Ben Roethlisberger is back! Thats right baby! Fathers, lock away your daughters. Ladies, stay out of bar bathrooms. Big Ben is free from the shackles of suspension and ready to run wild all over Clevelands collective bitch ass.

And yes, my excitement is fantasy related. It's sure not because I enjoy Roethlisberger as a human, nor do I like the Steelers. My fantasy team just happens to be heavily involved in the Steeler organization.

So here is to thinking happy thoughts about this douche bag as he is throwing touchdowns for my team this week.

• As soon as Vick returns, I'll be starting three guys who have had atleast 4 week suspensions in the Roger Goodell era. I may change my team name to Goodells Doghouse.
• Marshawn Lynch makes his debut for the Seattle today. Hopefully he is able to create holes... 'cuz the offensive line sure isn't doing it.
• Brett Favres penis pictures once again prove my point that old people should be trusted with technology.
• Thoughts on the Branch trade: Cool dude, hope he does well in New England. But I'm sure glad I don't have to hold my breath everytime he runs a route thinking something on him is about to break anymore.

Alright, time to go back to work, ya know cuz I don't want to get fired.

100

ClinicallyAwesome is dropping post 1-0-0 right now. Thats pretty cool right?

I've been thinking about this moment for awhile now. I knew it was coming, eventually. After every post, I look over in the archieve just to make sure I haven't pased it yet.

Simply put, I was very mindful of the benchmark. However, here I am at entry number 100, and I don't have dick to say.

At least nothing awesome.

My life has been reduced to a caffeine addiction and perpetual exhausted pissy-ness due to the school-work-homework daily grind. I'm not joking about the addiction either, I was drinking Rockstar Fruit Punch so frequently my body literally shut down for a day. I couldn't steady my hands enough to type. It was intense.

But thats what I got now. I don't have time to go drinking as much. Sure I'll have a beer here and there, but gone are the wild nights, and mornings of shame (we can also thank the domestication of boyfriendhood for that as well).

Truth be told, I haven't had a regretful hangover since July. But that night was awesome.

It started off as a casual beer pong night. The Girlfriend and I had just gotten back together, and wanted to spend time with some of our friends. Multiple losing efforts of beer pong later, I was shit faced and tired of losing.

So I tried distracting my friends the best way I knew how.... by showing my ball sack (if memory serves me correct, I as performing the bat wing. If you are unaware of the bat wing, please view the movie "Waiting..." for reference). Despite my ball sacks interference, I racked up another loss.

The Girlfriend and I demanded a rematch with Dane and Huber (who were basically the last men standing at this point... every one else had passed out or gone home). This time, I was going to pull out all the stops. I stretched out, and focused my drunk mind. I was searching for the special place.

I was looking for my Jordan Zone.

Before the game began, I had a revelation. I knew what must be done to put myself over the top and guarantee a victory. I got completely naked. Un-tamed, Macy Grey mug shot looking bush be damned. I went full Monty to distract my competition.

Though we still lost, I woke up with a very valuable lesson learned that night. Drunken competitiveness is a mother fucker.

I wish I would've told that story when it actually happened. Maybe the details wouldn't have been so fuzzy.

But thats been it for the booze stories since then. School and work make it impossible for me to get too crazy. I wish I did though, I mean this is blog 100! I need something to talk about.

I wish I had a rant about the Blazers ( though Greg Odens knee is really starting to get my face hot), but I actually have a positive outlook on them heading into the season. Not that I don't have a positive outlook every season, but there is something about the way that team handles on NBA 2k11 that has me just straight giddy for October 26th.

I guess we could just look at the awesomeness that is the number 100. I mean who sticks to something they don't get paid to do that long anyway? I tried to record a rap album once. Actually I've tried multiple times. I got like two songs in and shelved it. I could've been the next 2pac, but we'll never find out because that takes time and I got shit to do.

I started this blog while I was trying to make living in California work. I went down there with barely enough money to buy a flat screen tv, let alone money for living. That idea ( like the rap album) got shelved. However the blog keep firing away. The original idea for it was just to tell stories of alcohol induced mischief and other embarrassing (and possibly incriminating) tales. I believe this was around the time I was introduced to Tucker Max... so that makes sense.

As the drinking stories tank has dried up, the sports rants have been coming frequently. I had a very productive summer at formulating my ideas into my writing. We can probably thank LeBron for that.

The point I'm trying to make is, I'm proud of this thing. Despite the fact that only like 10 people read it, I'm proud of it. I literally have to put a gun to my brothers head to get him to come here... and he spends A LOT of time on the internet. Just sitting there.

But I've stuck to something that rarely shows any reward (thats a lie, any time someone says 'read your blog dude, good stuff' I get embarrassingly wet in my pants), and I'm gonna continue until I find a way to get paid to do this. Thats my promise. If a guy like Tucker Max can get paid to write that bull shit, I can find a way too. It's my American Dream.

So with that, Clinically Awesome has it's 100 post.

Suck on that, Chamberlin.

Week 5

I felt the need to post this just for my future enjoyment. Today I started Shaun Hill and only Shaun Hill at quarterback for my ESPN league (we typically start 2 quarterbacks).

I was doing this party out of protest, and partly because I was THAT confident in my team.

While I was waiting for kick off, I decided to inform the rest of my league that my one quarterback line up was a decision I made, and not neglegent management.

Here is the post I wrote:

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN REPORTING BELVIN TO START 1 QB

10-10-10, a day that will happen once a century, the Belvin Cup Dynasty (3-1) is going to attempt to do something less likely- win with one starting Quarterback.

"It's a move we've been thinking about all week, since we got the news on Mike" B.C.D owner Andrew Belvin said in a press conference earlier this week. "It started as a joke, but after Lampe dicked us with his Waiver priority... well, it be came a little more serious."

The issue came after fantasy feel good story Michael Vick went down week 4, injuring his ribs. With Ben Rothlisburger not set to make his return from suspension until week 6, Belvin had to make roster decisions for his second starting quarterback position. Naturally, Kevin Kolb was a natural decision for a pick up.

Owner of Team Alpha, Cory Lampe, had other ideas.

Lampe(2-2), who recently made news by having a bench that completely outplayed his starters, decided that he would use his waiver wire position to pick up Kolb, despite having 4 playing quarterbacks already on the roster.

"He (Lampe) did it because he thought it would force someone’s hand." A league source said when asked about the logic behind picking up a 5th quarterback. It's no secret Lampe, who is legendary at offering vomit inducing trades, has been searching for the pieces to recover from another awful draft.

Reportedly, Lampe had been trying to get Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw from the Cup Dynasty but hasn’t been willing to offer anything worth taking a look at. By taking the position with Kolb, Lampe was hoping to finally get Belvin to agree to one of his ridiculous trades. No representative from Team Alpha was available for comment.

“American doesn’t negotiate with terrorist. So why the (expletive delete) would I?” Belvin said when asked why he didn’t just make the trade with Lampe. “Lampe offered me a trade everyday for Bradshaw. I told him I would rather start one quarterback then make a trade with him.”

And that seems to be exactly what he is doing. Not wanting to make team crippling decisions with Rothlisburgers return looming. Still, even though he looks to start one quarterback during this weeks matchup against Dutch Master (1-3), Belvin remains confident in his team.

“Last year we were ‘2 Belvins 1 cup’; I guess on Sunday we’ll be ‘1 Belvin 1 quarterback’.”