How to NOT wake up.

Understatement of the Day: Today started off very shitty like.

Let me paint a picture so you can understand where I am coming from. Its eleven in the morning. The sun is busting through my window, and I'm balls deep in some awesome sleep. Like we're talking Jessica Alba and Megan Fox were having lunch AND having a conversation with me in my dream. However, Jesse (my brother) being the terrorist of fun that he is decided he was going to ruin everything.

"Yo, your xbox is broken." 

This is probably number 3 on the list of things I don't want to be woken up to. It could be higher. I'm not sure I've never sat down and scientifically drafted a list. Maybe thats what I'll do when I'm hung over this weekend.

And yes, after I got my ass out of bed and checked it out, I discovered  the Xbox (or the Girlfriend Replacement Equipment, as I call it) was in fact broken. To make matters worse, I'm out of the warranty. I just sat there on the coffee able for a few moments of anger and disbelief. 

How could it just break?!?! I don't get it!?! I wanted to ninja kick Jesse for just being in the room. Fortunately for the moral of our living situation I didn't have time to stretch out for a proper Ka-rate kick. I had to go to work. You lucked out this time, Jesse. 

Back to my original point, Xbox breaking and THEN I have to go to work...not a good way to start out the day.

Ramblings 2

It's tuesday at least for the next 28 minutes, and I'm just chillin like a villain. Not much to do tonight other then sit on the my couch ( which I think is giving me Scoliosis). I'm wicked tired, and perfectly content with watching tv. I don't even feel motivated to turn the xbox on. I'm not complaining, sometimes you just need to chill. I mean work sucked. Alot.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a bill collector for one of the biggest lenders in the nation. I have to keep it vague like that, because I'm sure dropping the name of ___________ could be considered a no no, and I need to keep steady paper flow. Paper aside, the job is depressing. All I do is call people who are drowning in debt. Thats all I do, all day, every freaking day. Some people are nice, but they are hardly memerable. Most people are miserable, foul creatures who need to be punished for their crimes against humanity. Seriously, I dealt with a lady tonight who left me fantasizing about choking her out with my head phone cord. Sadistic? Maybe. Deserved? You freaking bet! That woman was a whore.

I know I shouldn't complain, especially in this economy. A job is a job and my job pays good. Thats more then alot of people now a days can say. But still, I can't help it. My job fellates monkeys.

Speaking of fellatio, Jesse just turned on the History channel and they have a program called the "History of Sex". Now this is some good ass television. Not porno, just an educated man narrating stories about ancient Indian dudes banging chicks.

Wow this show is fascinating. It's all about the Middle Eastern cultures and their contributions to the advancement of banging. Did you know that in the Islam religion a marriage could be dissolved for bad performance in the sack!?! Thats genius! Well I guess thats not too far removed in todays world, only now we have to hide it under the title "irreconcilable differences".

Oh too bad it's over. Now what to watch?!?

Well next on the history channel is something inspired by the new "Angels and Demons" movie. Eh, I guess I'll give it a try. What I really should do is pee and take my contacts out.

Ok this sucks. I'm gonna get on with some quick points I feel I need to talk about, take a piss then go to bed. That's whats on deck people, try not to get lost.

With out further hesitation, the return of my Ramblings:

• If you hate having a social life, I suggest start watching The Wire. You'll be enslaved. No relationship will survive, and you won't even care. Trust me.
• I hate big decisions. Especially the ones that involve other people. Actually, mainly the ones that involve other people. I've had a few of those in the last couple of weeks and they have all sucked.
• I haven't talked much about the End of the Blazer Season yet. And there is a good reason for that. It still hurts. Simply put, I still don't want to talk about it.
• Furthermore Susan, I think David Stern is a jack ass. Rest assure, I will elaborate on a latter date.
• Like I stated earlier, my job sucks. Every-time a customer cusses me out, I second guess my life choices. So I'm going back to school. You win mom, congratulations.
• I had planned on writing a 'Happy Mothers Day' piece, but I got too busy. Guess being a favorite son got a little time consuming.
• Does anyone else have a problem taking Ron Howard seriously? I know he is an acclaimed director and all, but every time I hear him talk I just think Richie Cunningham, and half expect the Fonz to make an appearance.

Ok thats it, I can't fight it anymore. I have to pee like no ones business, and this Angels and Demons special is annoying (yes it's still on. Again, I'm too lazy to turn my xbox on. Do you really think I have the motivation to turn the channel?).

When I'm done peeing I'm going to watch The Wire by myself (see I told you, no friends) until I pass out. Then I'm going to wake up and go back to work again.

At least I'm awesome.

Hung Over again.

Guess who is hung over?!

Yes, that would be me. Unfortunately. All that needs to be said was, I went out with the boys and I consumed more tequila then Mexico last night. Laughs were had, questionable decisions were made and I spent the morning throwing up and hating life.

And was it worth it? You freaking bet it was. The whole crew was there, which doesn't happen as often as it should, so it's nice when it does. We turned Charlies into a house party, and NONE of us got kicked out. Incredible. I tip my cap to you Charlies, you still believe in letting your customers have fun. Oscars, you can learn a thing or two from the bar that is located just down the street. 

On the negative side, I threw up all morning and became a vegtable. I feel like I just got kicked in the head by Chuck Liddel of four years ago. My body and my head are experiencing biblical levels of hurt. Why do I drink again?

This is such a common occurrence, I'm tossing around just writing out a generic blog about getting hammered and fucking up, and I'll just go in and fill in the blanks with specifics before posting.

I don't care what you think, I think thats a helluva idea.

Anyway I don't really have a ton of shit to say right now. I just wanted to update this thing because it has been a week and I have experienced some change since the last one. The last week has been a little rough, with work and chicks. So I'm going to leave you, my 7 loyal readers with a compromising picture of two of my roommates.

So without further ado, a picture of Jesse and Derek from when they went camping:

(I said fuck off Norton).

Happy Mothers Day

Hello mothers.

I just want to take this time to thank you for being who you are and doing what you've done. Especially the mothers who have to put up with my crap on a regular basis. Now I know what some of you are thinking- and yes, you would think getting to put up with my crap is a blessing. But I'm here to tell you, that sometimes I can be a bit of a nut job and it takes a strong woman to deal with it.

So here we go, I'm going to get my mothers day thank on:

• Mom, I love you too much. You put up with more crap then most, and do it very gracefully (unlike your bike riding ability). You rule, and I'm so thankful you're my mom.
• Stacey- I'm pretty sure it's common place to not like step mothers. Thank God my family isn't your typical family-cuz my step mom rules. If I were you, I would've killed Jesse or me while we lived with you guys. But you didn't, and for that you deserve an award. I think we'll keep you around. HAHAHA.
• Grandma Dolly- I probably should be mad at you for being the original pusher of those little mini pizzas that I'm un naturally addicted to. But you've done so many other positives, like subscribing me to Rollingstone when I turned 17, that I can forgive that one. I love you grandma.  
  
• Grandma Jeane- I don't get to see you much which is a shame, but it's always nice to talk to you Grandma. I enjoyed talking to you today.  I know you gotta lot going on right now, but it'll be ok. If you ever read this I want you to know that I pray for you, and I miss and love you.
• Sarah- This is your first so, I had to put a mention in here about it. HAPPY FIRST MOTHERS DAY TO YOU.  Crazy to think about four years after I met you, I was meeting your daughter...but there you are- a little mini you. I often find myself sitting there shocked that you're actually a mother. But thats just it, you've transformed from the crazy girl that I knew to an awesome mother. You're doin a good job kiddo, keep pushin and it's going to get easier. I pinkie promise.

Once again, I love you all and happy mothers day.

('nuff of the sappy stuff, time to go back to being funny)

things I want to do before I die (or get married)

I've spent alot of time this week thinking about my future. Have you ever spend time to thinking about your future? Beyond things like what you're gonna eat in an hour, or what bar you want to get kick out of that weekend. No, I'm talking about the future-future. Like flying cars future. It can get kind of intimidating. 

For me, some of it can often lead to intense feelings of anxiousness. 

What do I think about? Well I think about things like if I'll ever go back to school, what I'm going to do for a career. You know that, 'where is my life heading' shit.  

That being said, others make me really excited. For example, the other day I'm sitting in the shower and started thinking about things I wanted to accomplish (outside of cleaning the stench off my balls). 

I decided to make my top 10 bucket list, only  instead of it being shit I want to do before I kick the bucket, it's going to be things I want to do before I get married (because that is really when a man dies).

• I want to go to Vegas with my buddies. I'm fairly afraid of what goes on in Vegas. I have big love for gambling, women and booze and I hear all three can be had at extreme excess there. This is not a formula for living the decent life.  When I go there, I don't want to talk to a single girl that I knew before the trip. I want to gamble away enough money to buy a new tv, maybe make fun of some transvestite hookers, or trash a nice hotel room. Most importantly I don't want to remember a f***ing moment of it.
• I want to see a Baseball game in every stadium. Eh, I take that back. I want to see one in the big time stadiums. I want to see a game at Wrigley, The New Busch and Fenway. A year ago I would've said Yankee Stadium, but the closed that one and that new stadium is a colossal waste of space.
• I want a three some where atleast one of the members is one of the following: Jessica Alba, Eva Mendez, Scarlett Johanasson, Hayden Panettiere, Megan Fox, Elisha Cuthbert, maybe 5 chicks that work at Buffalo Wild Wings, Mila Kunis or 'Trouble' the playful dancer from the Acrop.
• I want season tickets to either the Blazers, Mariners or Seahawks. Preferably all three.
• I want to wake up in a Mexican Jail. Now I'm not saying I want to get raped or anything, but it would just be an awesome story to tell when I'm 45 and depressed and I'm hosting a bbq with my wife for our puesdo friends. Then I'll shed a tear, and flip the burgers before they get burnt.
• I want to have my own sketch comedy show, that becomes popular for my use of vulgar language and my love for offensive jokes. This would ultimately result in me actually feeling satisfied with my career, getting lots of money, and receiving morally questionable propositions from morally questionable women.
• I want to put Michael Vick up against his brother, Marcus in cage match to the death. There is only room for one shit head named Vick in this country, lets see who wants it more. Two physically superior athletes going at it inside a steel cage with their lives and their ability to be shit heads on the line. NOW THAT IS ENTERTAINMENT! Now I know what you're thinking, "but Belvin, they're brothers!? No way one would be able to kill the other." My solution: take a page out of Michaels playbook, electrocute the shit out of them if they aren't willing to get it on. Treat them like Pitbulls who refuse to participate in dog fights. It's so simple. (let it be known that the point of the whole paragraph is not because I was disgusted beyond belief with his actions. I do find them to be wrong but whatever, he does what he does. I just want him to feel my pain for having to HEAR about his actions for like two freaking years. It got to the point that I was having fantasies about BEING Helen Keller.)
  
• I want to record a rap album.
• I want to get paid to talk about sports.
• I want to go to Vegas, again. Are you kidding!?! Everything is better in Vegas, and with the buddies I have no freaking way one trip is going to satisfy the party monster. If you don't think Vegas deserves two trips then you've obviously never drank with the Born Winner or Lampstack. It's truly legendary.

Now some of these goals are simple, others a little more grandiose. Never the less each of these need to be obtained (ok, maybe the rap album is a little far fetched). The whole point of this was think about fun stuff, I'm tired of stressing about the future.

I don't need that right now. I'm 23, and I'm awesome. There will be plenty of time to be sad when I'm flipping burgers.

Scouting Reports

Today while I was bored at work, I logged on ESPN. This is not breaking news. I spend most of my waking hours reading articles, checking box scores or adjusting fantasy lineups. But today I found an article that I found positively enlightening.  

It was about Randy Johnson getting ahold of scouts notes on him from when he was in High School, College and in summer leagues. It was kind of funny to read scouts shitting all over the potential of someone who would eventually go on to be the most dominate left hander of the last 40 years. With in the next couple of weeks he should be at three hundred wins, an absolute heroic mark for pitchers in this era of conservative coaching decisions and pitch counts.

One scout said his fastball would be no better then "average". AVERAGE?!?! WHAT !? I'd say Randy Johnson's fast ball is a tad better then average. Don't believe me? Ask his 4808 career strike outs, they will give you a tad different answer. Or go watch the clip where he a bird flew in the path of one of his pitches, and BLEW UP.

So where these douche bags totally missed the boat on the 5 time cy young winner, it got me thinking... I wonder what the scouts said in regards to MY athletic prowess during my developmental years.

Lucky for all of us,  it took little research for me to find that answer. Here are a couple of the highlights:

May 1994, White Salmon Little League- I was watching some of the kids play little league the other day down at the field. Have you seen this Belvin kid out in Right Field? He picked so much grass out there, the city won't have to hire a grounds crew for the whole season. Just have him rotate outfield positions through out the game. He won't miss a spot.

May 1995, White Salmon Little League- I caught a local Little League game the other day. Hood River Inn was playing. I got a good chuckle at watching Mike Belvins boy up there. This kid came up to bat, called his shot like he was the second coming of Ruth, then promptly struck out on three pitches. I've never seen anyone laugh as hard as his mom did.

March 1997, AAU basketball- Belvin, Andy- So I took this kid because he is best friends with two of the kids I wanted. He's decent for being undersized. Maybe better then some of the kids, but plays the same position as my son so I'm going to make him ride pine. Hopefully that will shatter his confidence. You gotta break the competition early.

January 1998, White Salmon Community Youth Basketball- We're playin the team coached by Butler next week. They got some good kids. I'm not sure about the Belvin kid though. The game I watched he scored something like 18 points. But in the same game I saw him shoot the ball over the back board, and I'm not sure but while I was saying hi to someone, I'm pretty sure he shot another one into the same spot the next time down the court.

September 1998, White Salmon 7th Grade Football- I watched the 7th graders in their hitting drills. Want to see if we have any early potential. Saw the funniest thing I've ever seen. Number 84, which I think is the Belvin kid, kept sneaking back behind people in the hitting drills until he matched up with someone smaller then him. I think he only entered the thing twice. Can't blame him, I've seen 8 year olds that are bigger then him. Smart bastard.

January 1999, White Salmon 7th Grade Basketball- Belvin, Andrew- Can't run, can't jump. Ugly two handed shot. Tries to play like he is an NBA Power Forward. I tell him to watch Steve Smith, and not Rasheed Wallace. This kid wouldn't be a Power Forward on the girls 7th grade team. One positive, he has one WICKED bowl cut. 

May 2000, White Salmon Babe Ruth Baseball- Belvin, Andrew- So I got this kid again on my team. He is pretty undersized, but other then that, doesn't really put anything on the table or take anything off. He has developed a quick wit though, and we got High School girls coming by and cheering him on. I thought benching him when he was in 5th grade would've done the trick, but somehow confidence is still there. Never fear, I have the remedy. I'm going to bench him in Baseball too. But not just for one game, I'm talking whole double headers. I'll just "forget" to put him in. I hear baseball is his favorite sport, so this should destroy him. Seriously, I'm a genius. 

November 2000, Basketball Tryouts- I had Belvin when he was in 7th grade. He got a little taller, and he knock down a shot here and there. I know he likes basketball so if he devotes time outside he should end up being good. 

December 2001, Jv Basketball- Scott told me I'm going to like Belvin. Says he hustles and has potential. He was wrong. He just has a big mouth, and him and Hunsaker piss me off. They never stop talking. 

April 2003, Un-named Whiffle Ball League- THIS KID IS A F**KING LEGEND IN THE  MAKING. 

See, everyone makes mistakes, and it's easy to over look talent.

I'm waisted

Holy shit now.

I woke up this morning and noticed that I had my blog opened up. Did I start writing last night? I thought to myself. No way I did. I was too drunk to walk, let alone type. Yet here was my blog list with an unfinished piece titled "I'm waisted".  Intrigued I opened it up to find what it said...."Holy shit now." Thats what it said in it's entirety. Verbatim. 

Now I'm not sure what possessed me to try and write, or what topic moved me so- but funny never the less.

Holy shit now- I mean it's so perfect. It's short, to the point, precise. There is emotion, there is reason. Uncontrollably moving. It's a good thing Hemmingway is dead because my genius would melt his face. 

Oh alcohol, how I love the fun we have together.