The Last Day of 2010

Wow, that was quick. 2010 is on it's way out, and since I'm laid out with a bad back ( I was doing manly shit last night, aka laundry) I'll give you all a quick recap untill it's time for me to suck it up and get dressed up.

With out further ado, here is Clinically Awesomes review of 2010:

• I lived. It seems foolish now, but there was a time when they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me that I did get a little freaked out.
• I never gave a shit about the Tiger Woods scandle. I'm proud of that.
• Ben Rothlisburger allegedly sexually assaulted a 19 year old girl in a bar. I have been known to side with the athlete under the idea that the girl is trying to get money. Being that this wasn't the first girl to throw a flag on Big Ben for entrochment, I became more skeptical.
• I became the master of Beer Pong. No joke, I'm better then you.
• The Mariners were supposed to be good. Key word: supposed to be.
• The Girlfriend and I broke up. It wasn't pretty. It also didn't last long. Realizing the error in our ways, we were back together in two shakes of a rabbits tail.
• My Blazers turned from a feel good up and coming team into a soap opera of bloody vaginas. They also fired Kevin Pritchard, which still hurts to write.
• Lebron James came out to save the NBA from Heat.W.O. But after he chased Wade and Bosh from the ring, he drops three leg drops on Mo Williams to reveal that he is the third teammate. Drew Careys was later found naked with a cheese steak steak sandwhich in one hand and a gun in the other.
• There was a time when I was convinced Chris Paul was going to be a Blazer. Then Oden's knee continued to be a pussy, and Brandon Roy's lack of miniscus also became a huge issue causing Rich Cho to say, "whats the f**king point?!"
• I took a chance on Ben Rothlisburger in my fantasy league due to our new keeper rules and his 4 game suspension keeping his price tag low. I also took a chance by making a trade for Michael Vick. Both ended up working out for me... Untill the championship, where once again I lose to the Born Winner. I was later found with a cheese steak sandwhich and a hand gun.
• The Blazers began their season 3-0. Then Roy started bitching about his knee. This opened the flood gate for copious amounts of shitty basketball to be played.
• The ship has seemingly been corrected for the time being with Captain Vagina Pants (Roy) serving a suspension...er... resting his knee with no return date.
• Including Roy's last game, a 12/15 night in Dallas (also known as "The night LaMarcus became a Man"), LaMarcus Aldridge is averaging 26 points 13 Rebounds.
• In that same stretch, Portlands 8-5 (take that with a grain of salt, that stretch has seen 7 road games).
• I survived my first quarter back at school. Barely. It was a rough quarter, where I nearly invited my humanities professor to a spirited fist fight (I would've beat his ass all over campus. Believe that.).
• Closing out the year, on December 19th, about 9:30 pm I asked the Girlfriend if to marry me. She said yes. I was relieved. We made out for awhile. It was cool (I'm underselling it like crazy. I'm really excited about starting a family with her. This was the best Christmas I ever had and it started with a ring and a question).

Well that was 2010 in a nut shell. A quick list for a quick year. Now I gotta suit up, taking the Fiance out for a night in Portland. Gonna do the New Year right, with booze (hopefully enough to numb my back) food and friends.

Happy New Year, bihotches.

clinically Awesome's 2nd Birthday Day

I'm can't write too much right now, I'm balls deep in the middle of trying not to fail any classes and have been sucked dry of anything that even resembles creative juices.

But this is a special occasion as it is my 2 year annaversary, so I'll address it a little bit.

Last year I thanked all my loyal readers. This year I'd like to take time and thank everything that has inspired me.

First and formost, The Portland Trail Blazers, Seattle Mariners and Seattle Seahawks. You three are my favorite teams and you consistantly shit all over my face. I'm like the wife of an abusive husband, telling myself that they love me back and believing them when they say ' this time it'll be different'. Year, after heart breaking year you tell me this year is THE YEAR, and I tell myself that you wouldn't lie. I believe that things will be different. Then two months later I'm wearing consealer while you are sporting a sub .500 record and we start talking mock drafts on the sports radio channles.

The Blazers have been abusive in a different way.brightspot in my fandom has been the Blazers, and even they refuse to put out anything that looks like a competative squad.

On the bright side, the Seahawks have yet to be eliminated from playoff contention, despite the fact that they are destined to be sub .500. What makes that even funnier is the fact that if they DO make it, they will be a division winnner and the proud host of a playoff game. Don't you love techniqualities?!?

I'd like to thank douche bag athletes. Specifically, I'd like to thank Lebron James. Because Lebron is such an incredible douche, I had lots to bitch about this summer. I wish I could just record my rants and post them on here, because they were some of my angriest, most venomous tyrades ever. Sadly, because I'm read less frequently then the bible in the Lohan household- the would have still gone unheard.

Actually, while we are on the subject, lets go ahead and thank Ben Rothlisburger, too. You sir, are (allegedly) a terrible human being. That being said, you are a starting quarterback for my playoff bound fantasy football team.

I guess what I'm saying is this: if you help me win a championship, and I'll not only forget that you've been accused twice of sexual assault in an 18 month span but I'll go as far as to nominate you for knighthood.

Next up, I'd like to thank Beer. This blog started with the idea that I'd be telling a lot of drunken stories. And for the first year, there were alot. My favorite being last years "Drinking in Spokane, through the Magesty of Pictures" ( Sept '09). Sadly, due to a mutant form of Mono, natural maturation and responsibilities, beer and I have had to seperate ourselves with very limited visitations this year. Sure, I still let my hair down from time to time (and alot during the brief seperation from The Girlfriend) but nothing compared to my consumption levels of years past.

That being said we do have New Years, Hocky Tickets and my birthday with in the next two months... I imagine I'll have SOMETHING to report.

Here's hoping that after finals are done, my creative juices return.



And Thanks again to all of you who read this (ever).

All Hail the King

In a month that has just been Blazer injury story after injury story, Northwest sports fans have something to smile about- The King has recieved his crown.

Today the 24 year old Mariner Ace, Felix Hernandez recieved his first (and hopefully not his last) Cy Young award after finishing with 21 of the 28 first place votes.

Despite teh 13-12 record (13 wins being the lowest by any Cy Young winner ever) the King finished with major league best 2.27 ERA and lead the American league in both innnings and was second in strike outs.

He was the lone bright spot on a historically bad team. A team whose offense could only be desribed as having a severe eating disorder (which I detailed in "The Ballad of King Felix") the King finished with a 30 quality starts (at least 5 innings while giving up less then 3 runs), which was 3 better then the next closes pitcher.

I never thought he would get the respect he deserved, but low and behold the sports writers of America proved me wrong. And thank goodness for that, because between the M's, the Blazers injuries and the Seahawks, we needed some good news.

All Hail the King.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Yup, another Greg Oden surgery means another Greg Oden centric blog. You knew it was coming, didn't you?

But I'm not sure what to say that hasn't been said about this dude already. It's tragic. It sucks for him, it's sucks for the city of Portland, and it's sucks for the franchise and all of their fans.

Four years ago we got dick teased with the idea of trotting out an All-Star guard in Brandon Roy, a potential All- Star in LaMarcus Aldridge and a franchise corner stone in Greg Oden.

Fast forward to present day, Oden has missed all but 82 games through 3 full seasons, and now Roy's knee's are becoming a concern. And dont' fool yourself, they are a concern. There is too much 'serious' chatter for those things to just be "sore."

This was supposed to be the year we competed for the title. Our big three would be entering their fourth year together, and Pritchard was hell bent on building a team around them to blow this league out of the water.

Sadly, we aren't even a month into the season and I can tell you we are a LONG way off of a title. Roy is playing like crap, Dante Cunningham and Sean Marks play meaningful minutes at center, and LaMarcus has once again been LaMarginal. I feel like pouring a drink.

There just doesn't seem to be any hope on the horizon. Especially with the Greg Oden subject. Greg Oden's knees are like someone who just perpetually live off of social security- not working. Thank God he isn't under contract after this year.

But now the Blaze are in a tricky spot. Do they bring him back? I don't think they should. Unless he agree's to work for peanuts, it's time for him to move along. Let some other team talk themselves into his potential (since he will only be 22) and break the bank for him.

It's time to walk away, Portland.

Michael Vick: The Movie

I know I just wrote about him last week, but after that college stat line he put up against the skins on Monday, it's time to write about him again.

Michael Vick is unbelievable. And it's time to start thinking about the movie Disney is inevidibly going to make about him.

The story writes itself. Athlete with all the talent in the world with a meteoric fall from grace, turns his life around during a two year prison sentence with the help of a religious, soft spoken coach, finds success again after losing everything in the ultimate redemption story.

First things first, lets knock off the cast:

• Michael Vick- I originally joked that Marcus Vick would be the best one to play his brother. But now that I'm taking this seriously, my make believe studio isn't going to risk investing money in that shit head. After much debate, we have decided that Aldis Hodge will take the reigns of our main character. His most notebale work was in Friday Night Lights as the Hurricane Katrina victim Voodoo Tatum.
• Tony Dungy- A soft spoken, inspiration former coach who has served as a mentor for Michael Vick since his incarceration. Obviously this role is Morgan Freemans for the taking. Get your kleenex ready, bitches.
• Coach Andy Reid- Phillip Seymore Hoffman. It's not gonna take a lot of effort for the oscar winner to glue a mustache on and play Reids fat ass. And the huge pay day that comes with inspiration disney movies will get him to put any art house film he is currently working on, on the shelf for a minute.
• Michael Vick's lady- Taraji P. Henson. I googled a picutre of Vick's woman, and she resembles the actress from Hustle and Flow, and Smokin' Aces. So let it be done.
• Kevin Kolb- Obviously, Kevin Kolb should play Kevin Kolb. Why not? It's not like he has anything to do.
• Quanis Phillips - the co defendent in the dog fighting trial, also the man who was shot at Vick's birthday party over the summer of 2010. Idris Elba, aka Stringer Bell from the Wire.

This movie is going to print it's own money.

Week 10: Brief talk about Football and Blazers

Seahawks win, my fantasy team will pull out a win (unless McCoy goes fantasy Ape Shit), and I had what I would call anxiety attack... all in a weekends time. Sounds fun right?

Just a few things while we wait for Vick and the Eagles to take the field:

• So glad the Cardinals decided to shit the bed this week (not that it's been any different then other weeks) but I really needed the Seahawks to remember how to win. The Giant and Raider games are responsible for a few sleepless nights over the last two weeks.
• Roy got news that his knee wasn't going to require surgery... the Blazers promptly rattle off loses to OkC and New Orleans. Someone needs to sack up and fight through some pain.
• Hopefully they can rebound in Memphis (even though Roy will be out).
• They announce who the Cy Youngs are this week. It sure would be nice for Felix to get the nod.
• I have a 20 point lead going into tonights MNF game. As stated earlier, he has McCoy and I got Vick. Unless 2006 Vick comes back, I like my chances.
• I ended up 40 dollars after a night of Poker on Saturday. It almost made up for the fact that I hate my job.

Back to work I go. Someone supervise me if I come in contact with a knife today.

Break out the Rye bread and the Mustard...

Today one of the more familiar voices from my childhood passed away. Long time play by play commentator for the Seattle Mariners, Dave Niehaus died today at age 75.

When I was growing up, often I would head out side when I was bored to hit the whiffle ball around the field. I would do this for hours pretending I was the rising star 3rd basemen for the Seattle Mariners, playing against who ever they were playing that night. I would even go as far to conduct interviews with myself, keep track of my offensive stats, and career milestones.

I used to set up all my at bats as if Niehaus himself was doing it. "Belvin at the plate..."

And when I connected on the long ball, well, we all know his call: " swung on and BELTED...DEEP TO LEFT FIELD... (insert fielders name) going back... to the Track... to the waaaallll.... GOOD BYE BASEBALL!"

Or everyones favorite, the legendary Grandslam call: "Bring out the rye bread and the mustard grandma, it's a graaaaaaaaannnnnnnddddddd saaaalllllaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmiiiiiiii.... "

It's shocking how a guy who I will never meet had such a huge impact on my life. He was the voice to my favorite team (as well as one of my favorite movies, the "My Oh My 1995 Mariners" Recap tape) and I guess to a growing sports fan, thats all he really needed to be. I may never have been able to introduce myself, or shake his hand, but make no mistake, when the news of "Uncle Daves" passing came to my phone, I got choked up.

This man had been there for everything. He saw the first pitch. He called Juniors first home run. He narriated the crappy years as well as the good. Go back and listen to highlight from 1995 (the first year Seattle made the playoffs) Dave gets so hyped up it sounds like he needs a cigerette when the play is over. I'm not joking, youtube Edgars double right now. Do it right now.

He had my dream job, before I knew it was my dream job. He watched Baseball for a living. The man was beyond a hero, he was a freaking inspiration.

After I heard the news, I took a break at work and texted all of my Mariner fan buddies. I texted my brother and I called my dad. We all felt the same. It was a sad, sad day.

We're all going to miss you, Dave. You weren't just the voice for The Mariners, you were the voice for the city of Seattle. We'll miss your style, your skill and your passion for an often passionless franchise.

Most importantly, we'll miss the way you used to freak out over a Junior warning track fly out.

(I don't need to miss the homerun call, I still got the tape )

Fly... Fly Away, Dave.