Pump Your Breaks, Cardinals

First lets address the Gurilla in the room: You needed Kevin Kolb to shake off his frowny face, and comeplete 6 of 8 balls on a fourth quarter drive to beat us. So, good job there guys. You needed lightening to strike 6 time in order to squeak out a win at home.

You barely beat us, while we are starting a 3rd round Quarterback. I'm not using that qualifer to justify his lackluster 1st half, more as a tool to take away from your win. So suck it, douchebags. He is going to be great, I assure you. You beating him, at home, week 1 before your team has been mathmatically eliminated from exsisting is not something to beat your meat about.

"Sit down, Arizona. You guys suck."

Yes, you're 1-0. We are 0-1. But next week you'll still be starting John Skelton or Kevin Kolb and we will not be. Next week we'll have Marshawn Lynch. The same guy who torched you for 89 yards despite being shelved up with a stiff back for the better part of the last month. We get Beast Mode, you get Beanie. Seriously, are you in a better position than us? 16 weeks from now we will be the team in the playoffs while you are reading prospect scouting reports. But lets not get ahead of ourselves.

Right now, I'm all about yesterday. Yesterday I went 5-8 in my picks (6-8 with Wednesday game included). Yesterday, I lost both my fantasy games (a huuuge Fuck you to Carolina's playcalling, Rashad Jennings knee and ofcourse, Adrian Peterson and the Minnesota Vikings). And to top it off, after a week of relentless trashing talking over the interwebs, my beloved Chickens got off to a less than ideal start.

It happens. Hopefully never again, but it does. Here are some things we can hang our hat on as Seahawk fans: 1, Russell Wilson didn't play good. He played ok. His first game was a solid outting considering the circumstances (first professional game, on the road, division rival, Patrick Patterson, etc). But that games was far from good. He seemed timid. Especially in the first half. Granted, Lynch took forever to warm up and Russell was limited to 9 passes in the first half. But they weren't a quality 9 passes.

The second half he seemed to settle in. The Sideny Rice touchdown was gorgeous. He looked off 4 different recieiving options before going back to Sidney across the middle. 20 dollars says Tavaris Jackson was sitting in Buffalo, saw the highlight of that play and said, "ooooh, thats how you do it."

In fact, lets continue talking about Seattle's freshly minted QB 1. Yesterday his first half was not good. He looked like a rookie (atleast, how a rookie should look. Thanks RGIII for making everyone else look bad). But in the second half, he made plays when he had to. And I gotta say, there is something about the dude that inspires confidence. Even through a tv screen.

Russell Wilson had a rough game, yet I feel supremely confident in his abillity to lead this team. There is something about him that put me at ease during that drive. Something I never felt during the Hasselbeck era (despite how much I loved Matty Hass). I honestly feel like if that drive was replayed 9 more times, the result would end in a touchdown on atleast 8 of them.

Last night as the last drive was happening, I fired off a text to my brother, " The Legend of Russell begins right now." Obviously, the drive didn't result in a win. But I still believe in that message.


The other take from yesterday: our defense wasn't running on full blast. It was like they couldn't find a way to shift to 5th gear. Or 4th for that matter. They seemed slower than they did in preseason. I mean the usual suspects were solid. Chris Clemons had a sack. Red Bryant erased any hope for an Arizona run game, and swated a John Skelton pass like Dikembe used to destroy set shots. And the Richard Sherman pick was beeeeaaauuuutttiiiifffuuuullll.

Outside of that, even the Hurricane seemed unimpressive.

Next week is a different story. Seattle will open up home against Dallas. People are riding the "Dallas might be good" bandwagon after their Wednesday win, so naturally you take Seattle in that one.



This is called a handoff, Carolina.

As for fantasy, my one week marriage with DeAngleo Williams and the Carolina Panthers will hopefully  be over. I just can't rely on a team that neglegent with their playcalling. Seriously, if I were a Panther fan right now I would have the worst hangover ever.

Drew Brees was getting some early chatter for a possible run at 6,000 yards. If that defense plays like they did against RGIII, I don't see how thats going to be a problem. That defense is so bad he will probably be looking at 50 attempts a game. In other words, DROP MARK INGRAM NOW.

Lastly, how great was it to have Randy Moss and Peyton Manning back in our lives? Randy Moss is, and will always be one of my all time favorite players. He was my first jersey. I loved the highlights, and when I got older, I loved the douchy comments. I'm happy that he is back for a retirment tour. His td catch, especially being in Lambau, brought a smile to my face. Unfortunately, that smile was shit on immidiately after that, because  the rest of that 49ers/Packers game featured a slew of players that I was matched up against in my Fantasy leagues ( a special thank you to Frank Gore, who when is not torching the Seahawks in reallife, aparently likes to forget he is 29 and should be considering retirment).


And to the Middle Manning Child, who reminded everyone that he doesn't need his cannon arm to be a football Savant. He is a top-3 QB of all time, and didn't deserve to go out with a neck issue. I want Peyton to go out on his own terms. He deserves it. So watching 18 do what he does like he hadn't missed a full year was delightful.

Week 1

Wednesday night was a little slice of heavan. I ditched the gym and told my wife in no uncertain terms, "hunny, I'm getting a burrito and watching every snap of the Dallas/NY game." Now I'm not a Giants fan. And I certainly don't favor the star. But I needed football.

So what happened? I went to Qudoba, and hooked up some Tortilla soup and a Queso burrito. I went to 7/11 and bought a Mountain Dew (I'm constantly trying to quite drinking soda. The only thing that accomplishes is forcing me to drive to a gas station when ever I want one).  I got home just as the ball was being placed on the tee for the opening kick. It was magestic. I couldn't duplicate that timing again if I wanted to.


I'm all in.

Following that game (in which I picked Dallas, so  this season is off to a good start), armed with a full belly, I laid in bed with my mind racing through an entire universe of thoughts. Is Dallas good (possibly)? Are the Giants bad (hell no, they always lose games they should win)? Why is John Pierre Paul not fighting crime (he should. Scary M-F)? It was so lovely to have football back in my life again.

Then Thursday morning happen, and the crulest joke the world could play on me was played. I realized we had four day's till the Seahawks kicked off their year. FOUR  FREAKING DAYS. Are you kidding right now, NFL? That is absolutely on par with your lady giving you a boner, then falling asleep with out allowing you to finish. Just mean spirited.

Today was a little more manigable. Read some Russell "The Love Muscle" Wilson fluff pieces, checked my fantasy team about 700 times, and solicited all my Cardinal fan friends into some harmful shittalking. All in day's work, really.

 

Tonight, I have the night to myself so I'm going to play Madden till my eyes bleed. In the mean time, I'm still at work so lets pound out some odd's (I'll bold my picks)

• Atlanta @ Kansas City (+ 2 1/2) I mean, Atlanta needs to look strong here, right? They need to get people back on their band wagon so they can break peoples hearts again in January.
• Philladelphia @ Cleveland (+11) Lets get this straight. I think Cleveland sucks. I also subscribe to the theory that there are mystical forces that hate the city of Cleveland (I'm not prepared to say that God himself hates Cleveland...But someone important does). So what would hurt worse? A Eagles shit kicking or a game where Brandon Weeden keeps the score close only to get his knee blown out next week? I'll take the 2nd option, thank you. 
• Washington @ New Orleans (-9) If you tune in on Sunday and Drew Brees is hovering around 500 yards passing please realize he is having a Waterboy moment and everyone on Washington's team looks like Roger Goodell.
• New England @ Tennessee (+5 1/2) I love Jake Locker. However, I REALLY love Tom Brady. I'm sorry Jake, we'll talk again next week.
• Miami @ Houston (-13) Only because in week 1 bad teams hang out with good teams. That being said, if Ben Tate and Arian Foster combine for 320 yards rushing just know that I'm not going to be that upset about it.
• Buffalo @ New York Jets ( - 2 1/2) I know I'm not down on Sanchez, but obviously Tebow has mystical powers.
• Jacksonville @ Minnesota (-3 1/2) LETS GO TO-BY. CLAP CLAP, CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
• Indianapolis @ Chicago (-11) Here is your chance Andrew Luck, prove me wrong. 
• Los Angles St. Louis @ Detroit (-8 1/2) Yeah, good one.  I would've taken Detroit if they were hanging Oregon points.
• San Francisco @ Green Bay (-5) Welcome back to the middle, SF.
• Carolina @ Tampa Bay (+1) Remember how Josh Freeman doesn't actually suck.  New coach, home team? Yeah, they'll win.
• Seattle @ Arizona (- 2 1/2) Russell may struggle at first, but after Hurricane Earl takes a ball back to the house this game is going to get UGLY.
• Pittsburgh @ Denver ( -1) Big Ben is gonna get dry humped all night. He may need neck surgery afterwards. I'm sure Peyton could suggest a good surgeon.
• Cincinatti @ Baltimore (-7 1/2) Logic would tell me Baltimore is going to win big. But this is week 1, and Monday Night Football where nothing ever happens how it should.
• San Diego @ Oakland ( pick 'em) Because I had to pick somebody.

Get some.

NFL: The 2012 Preview

2 and a half hours till kickoff and I still haven't done any type of NFL preview post. How is that possible? Is it because I don't know what I'll say? Shit, I never know what I'm going to say. So that can't be it. Is it because I haven't done my homework? Again, please. I'm two fantasy drafts in. I'm practically in midseason form.

So why haven't I started it yet? Well, for starters I'm lazy. Actually, scratch the starters. Thats the whole reason. I haven't written this yet, because two nights ago my wife gave me permission to buy Madden. Down goes the laptop, up comes the joy sticks.

But I'm at work right now, 15 miles away from my xbox. Sounds like the best possible time to pound out some predictions.

First, lets do the divisions:

NFC West- Seahawk, 49ers, Ram's, Cardinals
NFC East- Eagles, Giants, Cowboys, Redskins
NFC South- Falcons, Panthers, Saints, Buc's (although that division so screwy it could literally reverse order)
NFC North- Packers, Bears, Lions, Vikings

Wild Card: Giants and Bears

AFC West- Broncos, Raiders, Chargers, Cheifs
AFC East- Patriots, Bills, Jets, Dolphins
AFC South- Houston, Tennessee, Indi, Jacksonville
AFC North- Ravens, Bengals, Steelers, Browns

Wild Cards
Bengals and Raiders

Superbowl: Ravens over Eagles ( I was originally going to put Patriots over Philly, but I really want to be different and leave the door open for me ripping my shirt off and pounding my chest in celebration. Stand by)

 For shits and giggles, here is a quick prediction for the Born Winner:

NFC WEST- Seattle
NFC East- Giants
NFC South- Falcons
NFC North- Green Bay

Wild Card- Chicago  and Philly

AFC West- Denver
AFC East- Patriots
AFC South- Indi (Seriously, he said that. Bold move, for a bold man)
AFC North- Steelers

Wild Card- Bengals and Chargers

Superbowl- Patriots over Chicago

Here are some other things to watch out for:

• Tom Brady is going to be awesome. There is a reason I killed a man to get him on my fantasy team. I fully believe Brandon Lloyd is going to do a poor man's Randy Moss impression. Plus, he still has a contract starved Wes Welker, and a freshly paid Aaron Hernandez and Gronk.
• Russell Wilson is going to win Rookie of the Year.
• Toby Garhart is going to play ALOT more than the Vikings would like. Toby Garhart is not a bad running back. Toby Garhart is going to make ALOT of money for himself this year.
• Mark Sanchez is going to be better, but it won't matter. That decision has been made. The Jets are going to suck and Tebow is going to take over. Mark Sanchez, QB of the Los Angles Jaguires.
• If Darren McFadden stays healthy, he leads the league in rushing and Oakland wins 9 games.
• Calvin Johnson is going to top last season
• Arian Foster is not.
• The Saints are going to struggle. Right, I mean they don't have a coach.
• Well, they still have Drew Brees. Hand to God if that team wins 8 games Drew Brees should rip off his jersey and walk RIGHT into Canton.
• Peyton Manning is going to toss 30 touchdowns and Eric Decker is going to be a house hold name.
• Romo is going to toss 4000 yrds + again. However, since he is still the Quarterback for the Cowboys people will disect his game like he threw 28 picks.
• Dez Bryant is going to go ape shit this year. By November, we will all be sick of the "sercurity team has lead to maturity" stories surrounding Bryant and his huge season.
• Larry Fitzgerald is going to be responsible for the death of John Skelton.
• Ray Rice, MVP.

There, I'm on record.  Lets do this damn thing.

Mariners: August in Review

What an August. This month we saw the 1 step forward, 1.5 steps back Seattle Mariners continued their frustrating dick tease of a 2012 season.

• Felix: he won 4 of his 5 starts, posting a 1.08 era. He had three (COUNT THEM THREE!!!) 1-0 shutouts including the August 15th Perfecto. He now has the city of Seattle and the Cy Young race by the balls. All Hail the King.
• On the flipside, Justin Vargas was not good. After winning the July Pitcher of the Month award, the dude went awol. In 5 starts, he went 1-2 with a 5.12 era and is responsible for a broken tv remote in my apartment.
• Justin Smoak got called back up thanks to another Mike Carp injury. His time in Triple A did him no good. Mr. Smoak, who batted .196 in his 51 at-bats since being recalled, has struck out more then his actual base hits this season. Alot more. He has 98strike outs compared to his 75 hits.
• Dustin Ackley seemed to turn it around a bit. After turning in a lovely .173 average for July, he hit .257 (including 3 homeruns) in August. Lets hope he can get hot in September.
• Seager (.244 w/ 4 home runs) Montero (.233 w/ 4 home runs) and Jaso (.266 w/ 3 home runs). Thats the middle of our lineup. No jokes needed.
• Brenden Ryan continues his quest to be an every day shortstop who bats under the Mendoza line for a full season. With 1 month to go, he is currently at .195.

How this team went 15-12, is beyond me. Actually,  scratch that. They sent Felix to the mount every 5th day. So that helps. But seriously, lets send up a flair. We need some help in this batting order. Or atleast some HGH.

The worst part about it: you don't hear about hitting prospects with this team. Two years ago, we had Smoak and Ackley to think about. Now all you hear about is Zito, Hudson, Mulder jr that we have in Hultzen, Wagner and Paxton. Where the hell is our hitters? How can one organization be THIS bad at developing hitters. Even Pittsburgh had developed Alverez and McCutcheon.

The Seattle Mariners have not developed and kept a solid major league hitter since Alex Rodriguez. All the other good ones have been involved in illadvised, short sided deals. That list is fairly long: Adsrubal Cabrera, Shin-Shoo Choo, Jose Cruz, Adam Jones etc.

On The brighside, Football is 9 days away. I do love this team. Despite the struggles they have kept me involved. Which says alot. But there are issue that can't continue to be ignored. Jack, you got some work to do, brother.

Long Live The King



Twenty minutes ago, Felix Hernandez completed a perfect game. He struck out 12 batters, including 7 of the last 9 outs in said game. I can't seem to construct too many proper sentences, so I'm going to leave you with this picture. Enjoy:



Great Debate: Russell vs Flynn

Damnit Pete, make up your mind.

 

We are under a month from opening kick off and the Seahawks are still entertwined in a two man QB battle. Making matters worse,  both seem very capable of being a starting QB.

 

It's becoming a hot arguement between me and the people I argue sports with. As polorizing a discussion I can remember having in regards to the Seahawks in recent years. Seriously, this is approaching the "Is Shaun Alexander any good?"  arguement from 2006.

 

So let me go a head and get on record with what I think should happen.

 

I think Pete Carroll should choose Matt Flynn as the starting Quarterback. Flynn, of course was signed presumably to be our starter a few months back after absolutely TORCHING the Lions in week 17 for 6 touchdowns. Not 1, not 2, not 3... But six. In the history of professional football there have only been 35 occassions where a QB has tossed 6 touchdowns or more. Matt Flynn and his 2 career starts has one of them. I don't care if the Lions started a secondary made of autistic children, they were professional autistic children and so Matt Flynn had a night for the ages.

 

So now he is a Seahawk. He came her to start and start he should. Granted, in his two outting so far he hasn't looked AWESOME, but he hasn't looked bad either. Atleast not bad enough to let Russell "The Love Muscle" Wilson jack his starting spot.

 

Now I know the arguement. And I agree, Russell has looked GREAT in the first two preseason games. But seriously, he is tossing seam passess against people who will be assistant coaching high school football in three weeks. Lets not get too excited.

 

Do I think Russell is good? Hell yeah. I fist pumped my shoulder out of it's socket when we stole him in the 3rd round. Does that mean I'm excited about starting a rookie QB? Hell no. Rookie Qb's struggle. This defense is good enough to make the playoffs. We have good recievers. We have a franchise running back. Bitch, lets play for keeps.

 

Let Russell Wilson  "Carson Palmer"  under Matt Flynn. If Flynn sucks, then we can go Wilson. If Flynn gets hurt, we can go Wilson. But let Flynn prove he isn't our starter first.

 

He deserves that.

Full disclosure: I think Russell Wilson will be our starting Quarterback when we contend for Superbowls. But the dude is 24. There is no reason to not atleast see what we have with Flynnsanity.

 

I'm not going to be upset if #3 gets the nod. But alot of people think I am Russell bashing. I'm not. I just feel the need to preach patience. You know?

 

Of course, Pete Carroll is probably going to name Russell the starting QB and I will have to explain to everyone that I wasn't against him; I was just FOR Flynn. You know, because nobody will actually read this. 

Dwight Howard, Lakers and Wheat Grass

The Orlando Magic ended their near two year long Dwightmare last night.

He looks stupid in Yellow. Right?

The Magic are expected to announce this morning the trade that will send Dwight Howard to the Los Angeles Lakers, in return they will recieve Aaron Affalo, potential cap space and Crabs.

Thats almost not a joke. Please review the complete trade below:

• Lakers get: Dwight Howard, Earl Clark, Chirs Duhon.
• Magic get: Aaron Affalo, Al Harrington, Moe Harkless, Nikola Vucevic, a PROTECTED 1st round pick from the 76ers, Lakers, and Nuggets.
• 76ers get: Andrew Bynum and Jason Richardson
• Nuggets get: Andre Igoudala

Thats it. Thats the whole trade. The turned down two trades this off season with the Nets and Rockets that would've seen them unload all their bad contracts and in the case of the Nets offer, bring back Brook Lopez and Marshon Brooks. They said no, because anytime you can turn Dwight Howard into a chance to pair Aaron Affalo with Hedo Turkalou, you have to do that.

Seriously, Houston was willing take on Hedo and J Richardson and send back cap space, draft picks and Kevin Martin. Maybe I'm high, but Kevin Martin is better than Aaron Affalo.

Also, J Rich's contract shouldn't have been the mandetory move. He has 3 years and a shade over 18 remaining. Thats 6 million a season for a starting 2 guard (thats basically what Portland is paying for Wes Mathews right now). The man can still offer something productive. Orlando should never have made a move unless it involved Hedo's, who has 2 years at 23 million left. His contract is basically a dick punch whose sting won't fade for another two years.

I get it. You trade the guy who doesn't move like a mummy. This trade can be summed up in one more (coherent) point: Orlando traded the best center in the league in a four team trade that involved the 2nd best center in the league and another guy who is one of the best defensive perimeter players in the league and is currently playing for our American Olympic team. The Magic didn't recieve either of those players.

Yippy for draft picks that won't sniff the lottery (and if they do, perhaps if Bynums knee blows up like a gernade and Philly bottoms out- THAT PICK IS PROTECTED so it better not be too good of a pick).

Well done Orlando.

In other news, how awesome would it have been to be a fly on Steve Nash's wall this morning? He probably woke up about 6 am to the wonderful sound of the ocean flowing up to his rented condo in Malibu. Decided to let the aspiring actress/waitress/yoga instructor who was occupying the other half of his bed sleep longer, and go for a private jog by himself around the coast line of California's rich and famous.

When he gets back, he continues his morning ritual and busts out an hour of intense, mind freeing Yoga. This is how he keeps his back and mind healthy. He grabs a shot of wheat grass and throws it down the hatch while once again thinking about how life is smiling on him while staring at the ocean. Life is perfect, he thinks.

Its at this moment, he becomes content with any trepidations he has with playing with the moody Andrew Bynum and the homecidal Kobe Bryant. I can make this work, he confidently reminds himself.

At that moment, he is joined by the Yoga instructor who looks like Rebecca Romain  15 years ago. She is naked except for Nash's prized Wayne Gretzky Oilers Jersey. He is annoyed at her. She is not only wearing his favorite jersey, but she is holding his blackberry.

"What are you doing?" Nash asks, confused to why she thought she had permission to help herself to his phone.

"Um, some guy named Kobe just called like 10 times." she starts, Steve could tell she wasn't aware that she was talking about Kobe Bryant.  "He kept screaming about a bunch of bad words, something dirty Austrillians and..." she paused. "Something about buying a D-12. Or you guys sharing a D-12?Is that a new car?"

A rush of excitment and adrenaline over took his body. He jumped up and fist pumped like the end of a bad 80's sitcom. His new team had just replaced Andrew Bynum with Dwight Howard. IN the matter of 35 days he went from playing with guys named Gortat, Lopez and Dudley to guys named Bryant, Gasol and Howard.  Move over, Iron Man, I'm now the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

From that moment on, the rest of Steve Nash's day was a blur of experimental sexual positions, thought of his defensive mistakes being errased, and wheat grass shots.

And anal. Lots and lots of anal.