Drinking in Spokane, through the majesty of Picture.

So I recently took a trip to Spokane Washington for a weekend of drinking and boating with my life partner in crime, Jeremy. I tried to keep notes of funny shit that took place, but it became increasingly unimportant as I was focused on not throwing up. 

So I'm not going to write  about what I remember, or make up stories (because honestly, it's kind of hazy to me right now). Instead, I'm just going to show you pictures from our Saturday night trip to John Stockton's dads bar "John and Zekes".

Without further ado, the picture blog:]

As you can see, not drunk. In fact I believe this is before any alcohol had entered my system. Jeremy is the devil in human form so this would not last long.

Picture number 2. Me, Jeremy and Crazy Ass Joe. If you look past the customary middle finger you will notice drink number 1. Dry Fly Vodka and Gatorade. 

Ok we're at the bar now, and I'm probably another beer in. Nothing exciting yet.

Meet Cami, she had a birthday a week before. So We shot Patron.

It has begun.

The buddy pose, the exhausted eyes.  Yup, we are officially trying to go drink for drink with Jeremy. He can drink forever. His liver should be studied.

We should've been cut off.

 I'm not going to tell you what the bar tab was. But I can tell you multiple AMF's, shots of Patron, and Jack was involved. So the bar tab wasn't small. And my liver was working over time. I'm probably leaning on these girls for support.

...... Houtson, we have achieved black out.

Good friends don't help you when you're throwing up, they take pictures to make sure you can never run for president.

And they let you sleep on the sidewalk too. Jeremy, you asshole.

Good Night now.

Why Tom Brady is Awesome

Week one has been spectacular so far. Some real good ass cinema if you ask me. We had some drama in the Kyle Orton to Brandon Stokely last second 80 yard touch down. We had some comedy, on the same play where Brandon Stokely announced to the world that he is an avid Madden player when instead of scoring he ran parallel to the endzone to waste as much time as possible to help his team secure the win. Truely an epic play. It was like 'fat person tripping on their face' levels of funny. For those of you who haven't seen it, enjoy and you're welcome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J7d73ScB98.

We had action. Adrian Petersons long touchdown had the most vicious "bitch get off me" stiff arm I have ever seen. Adrian Peterson should be charged with assault. Watch this clip with the understanding that this not for children. Enjoy bitches:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6pKIj87CYA. Is it too early to call him MVP?

And if that weren't enough, we now have the NFL's leading man making his prime time return. After a year of knee rehab, Tom "the luckiest man alive" Brady, returns to the NFL's regular season. The last time we saw him healthy he passed 50 touchdowns and his team went 16-o through the 2008 season (don't bring up the Superbowl, I'll kill you). I'm seriously 13 year old girl giddy right.

He is all that is man. League MVP, 3 time Superbowl champion and Bridget Moynahan's babies daddy. And if Bridget Moynahan isn't hot enough, he upgraded that piece of ass into the world hottest supermodel Giselle Bundchen. In case you're slow, he is arguably the best quarterback EVER and he is banging Giselle. Please take this moment to examine Giselle.

God loves Tom Brady. And so should we all.

Whats there not to like about him? He is a born winner. The man hates losing more then I hate working. Take Buffalo for example. In 2003 he threw 4 interceptions and the Pats lost 31-0 (the worst loss of his career). Since then the Patriots have won 11 straight games against the soon to be Bills of Toronto. Tom Brady holds grudges, and executes his enemies like he is the second coming of Attila the Hun.

Another example: the 2007 season. After week 1, then Jets coach Eric Mangini ( a former Patriot Coordinator) blew the whistle on some questionable scouting tactics (lets leave it at that. Spygate is over and I don't want to talk about it). Brady, obviously loyal to his coach and team, and upset that his championships were being questioned, went out and won 9 of the first 10 games by over 20 points.

Sadly, the man was injured last year and we didn't get to see what kind of shit he had in stored for the league. There was no ceiling on how many "f**k you touchdowns" he would've thrown following his first Superbowl loss. We were robbed of weeks of big Touchdowns and awkward celebratory hugs because stupid Bernard Pollard had to fall on his leg after a pass, destroying his ACL.

Here we are in the present day. We should all welcome back the man. The man who holds grudges, the man who bangs Giselle, the man who is so pretty that if you look long enough at a picture of him you come away confused about your life and question your perception of reality. It's been 20 months since his perfect season was ruined by little Manning and the New York Giants. It's been 12 months since his ACL was ruined. He was silent the whole time. You're hard pressed to hear any interviews with him. He rehabed like a crazy person, and watched other quarterbacks get praised for being great. The Cherry on top, he watched Ben Rothlisburger (won his second superbowl), Drew Brees( passed for 5000 yards, the second QB to EVER do that), and Payton Manning (won his third MVP) take ownership over the attention the media usually spends on him. They made the "elite" NFL quarterback group a little more crowded.

I can't imagine Tom the Terrific being too happy right now. Get ready for the excitement. Tom Brady is going to remind us all how awesome he is, and it's going to be freaking cool-well unless you're fantasy team is playing him that week. Then thats not too cool.

Belvin out.

Week1

Week 1 is the happiest week of September. Chalk it up.

Sarah called me early this morning as a wake up call to go to church. I wasn't trying to get up. I hung up the phone then went back to sleep. Then off in the distance from the living room I could hear the familiar fall sunday mourning rumblings. It started off as a soft murmur, but didn't take long before the volume arose to where I had no doubt what was going on. It was the sound of men getting ready for football.

"HOLY SHIT!!! LETS DO THIS!" I screamed as I ran into the living room and hopped over the couch. And I continued to watch games until Sarah picked me up for some quality churching.

Real quick I'd like to thank the Seattle Seahawks for showing up today and beating the shit out of the Rams. 28-0 is fun for the whole family.

I'd also like to thank the following teams for making me look smart: the Niners, Ravens, Redskins, Saints, Jags, Jets, Broncos, Cowboys, Philly and Minnesota. I would've put the Falcons on that list, but I'm not sure if I actually went with them to cover. True not all of these teams won but I played the spread. LOVE THE SPREAD BABY!

And, oh yeah, HOLY CRAP Adrian Peterson is a freak. First of all, every time I see his commercials (you know which ones I'm talking about... the ones where he doesn't have a shirt on) I die a little bit inside. He is rock on rock. I'm not even sure what work outs you would do to shred up some of the muscles on display in these commercials. The first time I saw his commercial I had a well gerthed penis. After all the games were done, I now have a Vagina.

All jokes aside, A.P. rushed for 180 yards while sick. I mean they had to hook him up to an iv when he threw up at half time, then he went out and had like 150 yards in the second half. That my friends, is a fucking man.

Mark Bulger is not a man, while we are on the subject. The Seattle Defense made him cry. Thats not even a joke. There was a play in the forth quarter when he got hit so hard by Aaron Curry that he popped back up but his eyes look awfully soggy. Once again, SEATTLE IS AWESOME.

I'm going to go play beer pong now. Hopefully I'll actually have a story to tell tomorrow.

Belvin out.

Clean at last, clean at last,

15 days ago I went in for a physical. No particular reason, I guess I figured if I can't find a girl to touch my nuts maybe I can get a doctor to. Even if it is for medical reasons. That actually wasn't the reason. I guess I felt like I haven't been to a doctor in 6 years, and there is no time like the present to make sure shit is still running properly. 

So I go to the doctor, not expecting anything to be wrong. I'm not sick, well, physically atleast.  But the second I get in there I start questioning things. 

What if they do find something?!?!

Well the way my mind works is that I can talk myself into a green sky if you give me enough time. And the good people of Keizer gave me more then enough time. I sat in the little room, with no magazine to read for a good 15 minutes. Lets just say by the time the doctor got into the room I was convinced he was going to find signs of cervical cancer.

What came next can only be described as a cross between  a terrible first date and police interrogation.

Some of the early highlights:

Doctor: so what brings you here today?

Me: uh, I guess it's been 6 years or so since I've been in for a physical. I guess I'm just here to make sure I'm runnin right.

Doctor : (stares at me blankly) ok. So, do you smoke?

Me: Uh, cigerettes? No.

Doctor: Pot?

Me: I have 

Doctor: Well smoking a joint is the equivalent of smoking a pack of cigarettes. 

Me: (now I feel like Ron Burgendy, "I don't believe you." but I kept my mouth shut) Oh, thats wild.

Fast forward a minute...

Doctor: so are you sexually active?

Me: Uh, kinda? 

Doctor: You're 23. Have you ever been tested?

Me: No...

Doctor: well you need to be. I can have the arranged for today.

Tested? Uh, like for Aids? ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME!??!?! So I agreed. I mean what do I have to afraid of? There are Catholic priests who have had more sex with women then I have.  But he was right, it is a good thing to know. So I agreed to it, and go get my blood drawn, and pissed in the cup. Not a big deal.

Nope, not a big deal at all. Well it wasn't a big deal, until these medical bastards took 15 f***in days to get my results back to me. Lets break it down. If after 15 minutes I had talked into myself into the possibilities of cervical cancer (remember I have no vagina), think about what 15 days can do. 

By the 15th day I was sitting in my cubical thinking about how I was going to tell my mom I have aids. Thinking about how I was going to tell my dad. Or even the scary one, my ex girlfriend.  

By the 15th day, I was making my peace with God, and preparing my bucket list.

By the 15th day, I was convinced it was done for me.

Note: This is what a good imagination brings. Paranoia. It's not good for relationships, and it's sure as shit not good for medical tests. So parents, be careful when you wish your kids grow up with good imaginations.

So tired of waiting for these bastards to get back to me, I called them. Even after that I still had to wait two more hours for them to get back at me. Finally, while I was sitting in my cubical before lunch a strange number calls me. I rush to the break room, where I was informed that I was clean...well all but HIV. I still had to come in to get those results.

I got there as soon as I hung up the phone. 

I rushed to Keizer and immediately ran up to the dude behind the desk, and handed him my card. 

Me: I'm here to get results...uh, for a test.

Dude behind the desk : ok (typing in my shit) uh...( staring very intensly at the computer) uh...(I'm now officially shitting my pants) hold on a second. I'm not sure what to do. 

Me: HUH!? 

Dude gets up and goes into the back. A few moments later a smiling lady comes from the back and tells me to come with her. I got more knots in my stomach then in a hippies hair. The lady sensing my un easiness quickly takes me to her computer which gave me the verdict...clean. CLEAN MOTHER F***ER! I'M CLEAN! 

I smiled. Thanked her for the good news then promptly went home and changed my underwear.

In hindsight I don't know why I was freaking out. Cartoon characters get more ass then me. I guess thats why it's 20/20. I need to learn to pump my breaks about shit and take a deep breath. I let myself get too freaked out about things. It'll probably be the death of me.

Shoot, maybe I should start smoking weed regularly. That seems to calm people down. Reference Snoop Doggy Dog. Oops, sorry scratch that, the good Doctor would not be ok with that. Apparently it's worse then a pack of cigarettes.

And Cigarettes kill.

Favre is back?! GTFO

Espn Headlines from this weekend: Brett Favre says he will not be coming back this season to play for the Minnesota Vikings.

Two Days Later : Brett Favre has signed a deal with Minnesota Vikings.

It's August so that means there are two constants. One, it's hot as hell and I spend my afternoons praying for snow. And of course, it's time for Brett Favre to once again call his retirement off. He is becoming the adult Urckle. Just when we think he's gone, he appears. Which like Urckle was endearing in the begining. "oh look at the nerdy black kid! It's funny how much of an out cast he is! And he always shows up and bothers the Winslows! Now THAT is funny!"

But after two episodes of that, you're done. Which is exactly where I am (and I don't think I'm stretching by assuming most of America is there too) with the Brett Favre scenario. We've seen it before. We saw it last year when he went with the Jets. We saw it the previous three years before that with the Packers. This dude has been thinking about retiring for the better part of a decade now. MAKE UP YOUR MIND BRETT.

Shoot, even Jordan is like "this dude needs to hang it up".

Speaking of Jordan, atleast he let us breath. When Jordan talked "retirement" ( I put quotes around it because I believe Jordan was suspended for gambling, at least the first occassion) he atleast left for a year or two in between. Favre retires in March and is back with before the start of the previous year.

I don't get what the issue is here with him. He is old. His body is breaking down. His talk of retirement started after the 2005 season. Four full years and two actual retirements later and he is back again.

But why!?! What does he have to do? He holds every notable career passing record. He has a Superbowl. Whats left Brett? Why do you hate us?

It just doesn't make sense, for anyone. He is not the young chicken he was when his Shot Gun arm took Green Bay to back to back Superbowl appearances in the 90's. Shoot, the last time he took a team to the Superbowl was 11 seasons ago. And he was a veteran then.

His body is breaking down. The last retirement was primarily because he nearly threw his arm off last season. Who knows how healthy he is. Why come back unless you're able to keep up your production level? Last year he started off hot, but when the weather got cold his arm fell off and he finished with the most turnovers in the NFL.

Now if you're Brad Childress are you really willing to put your job on the line of a 39 year old who led the league with 22 interceptions last year? A 39 year old who is famous for making stupid ass decisions but having the big time arm to make up for it... only now he doesn't have that arm anymore.

Quick note to Mr. Childress... ask Eric Mangini how this story ends.

Bottom line, this is a gamble. And like all gambles it can end one of two ways. Either very bad, or very good. The Vikings have the talent to win a lot of games this year. So if Favre ends up able to be productive then the fine people of Minnesota are going to celebrating a good team this year.

But if he craps the bed like he did at the end of the year, then not only are the people of Minney going to be in a bad mood, but Mr. Childress is going to be updating his resume in January.

Time will tell. But for right now, lets move on to a new subject- Like Michael Vick, Dog lover.

Dude, I'm scared.

Before I begin lets get one thing straight. Weed is not a drug. It's a plant. It's no worse the tobacco, and certainly not worse the booze. You parents have tried it. Successful people do it. It's not a drug.

Drugs are bad. Weed is not. Therefore weed is not a drug.

By definition they, drugs, are a waste of fucking time. They are for losers and wastes of space. It' doesn't matter whether it's Coke, heroin, Meth, pills whatever the fuck, it's all bad. There is no justification. 

This conversation is not ever going to happen:

Dude Doing Drugs "oh man, I'm doing (insert drug of choice here)"

Friend Who Doesn't Do Drugs "Why man?! Drugs are bad!"

DDD" Because man, (insert half ass reason for justification for killing yourself)"

FWDD "Oh, that makes a ton of fucking sense. Lets do it together!"

Tonight I had a buddy (and by buddy I mean probably one of my three best friends) tell me they've been doing a few of the previously named shit head substances recently (and at an alarming pace). I immediately went into, and remain in absolute shock. I wasn't sure what to say. At first, I just got real quiet, and REAL angry. How can this happen. This has got to be a tasteless joke. I mean, I knew he wasn't all there. I've always known that. Hell, thats what our friendship is based on. We aren't there. We both had a hint of self destruction, and have a lot of fun exploiting that.

But drugs, especially of this magnitude, is insane. It doesn't make sense. I've been sitting on this knowledge for an hour and half and still can't wrap my head around it.

I mean REALLY DUDE!?!? 

Seriously dude, what the fuck. You have so much shit going for you and you just want to fuck it all up. I know you grew up rough. I get that. I also get that coming from where I come from I can't fully grasp that. But dude, your life isn't bad. You have a good job, and a ton of friends that love you. 

And I'm not throwing the Love word around like 17 year old BFF's either.  I mean it man. We are as close as brothers, and to hear this shit is ripping me apart.

I don't want you to die man. I want to be an old dudes together and reminisce on how we use to drink a case of beer in your car before Brand New concerts. Or how we would bull shit for hours over hooka.

Tonight you told me you can see your funeral. This isn't much different from your common drunken claim where you exclaim that you won't see 29. Before tonight, I use to laugh when you would say shit like that. Now I see where you are coming from and I'm scared.

I texted you just now telling you I'm scared, and you replied "I'm dying anyways". This is true, we will all die. But that doesn't mean you need to speed up the process.

Half wasted.

So I'm kinda half shit faced right now and really hankering for an ol' fashioned milkshake. Oreo Milkshake, from Sharies. That sounds awesome right now. Seriously, it sounds better then 18 virgins (or in my Utopia, 18 girls who have had sex with one guy).

I want to wake Derek up and make him come with me. Because who really wants to have Sharies by themselves?? I'll tell you who, fucking losers. And I'm not a loser.

It's always awesome to see the variety of people you see at Sharies. You get quite the slice of life. Everything from Drunk High School kids, to a family of 9, 8 of which have Mullets (the only one missing is 1, but they put PBR in his bottle, so it works)

After I eat Sharies, I want to watch Arrested Development. I'll finish that thought later, Derek just showed up and volunteered to come to Sharies with me. 

God is smiling.

Just got back from Sharies and it was spectacular. I had an Oreo Milkshake and it was like the holocaust, only 180 degrees of opposite. 

OK time to walk the Joan Rivers Roast, which promises to have little ditty's like "Joan Rivers has been stitched up more then the aids quilt, only she's more depressing. 

Smiles kids, smiles.