Seaside Adventure

I went to Seaside today with the Girlfriend and The Baby. It was not my idea, nor was I particularly fond of the idea when I woke up this morning. Despite my excuses on why we shouldn't go, The Girlfriend had her heart set on taking a trip-just three three of us. Ultimately, my lack of interest in taking the two hour drive submitted to The Girlfriends wants and my desire to spend the day with the two lovely ladies.

She had originally planned for us to leave by ten. This didn't happen. You see we decided to leave The Baby under the watchful eyes of Dad and StepMom, then we went out drinking the night away! Upon returning to my fathers house,we were confronted with the fact that The Baby had started another round of teething. Super. It must've hurt like hell because up untill that point, the Lil' One has never, and had never screamed like she did. Oh yeah, she screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more. She screamed for hours.

I'm not sure how much sleep we got last night, but it wasn't much. The Girlfriend, refusing to let a sleep depervation deprive her of Oregon Coast and it's magistry, still urged for us to continue with her plans. Reluctantly, I agreed.

We got on the road about 1 o'clock after we were good and cafinated. The Baby was again less then thrilled with life. I speculate she had every sub terianian tooth pushing at once by how grumpy she was.

However, she did find enjoyment during the car ride with a game she made up. It was very funny. You see she would wait till I was comfortable, maybe my eyes were closed. Then she would let out a little angry chirp to get my attention. Not wanting to hear a full fledged cry, I would oblige and give her my undivided attention. She would then give me the hand signal for 'more' insinuating that she wants more snacks. In this case they were cheerios.

The first couple times, I thought nothing of it. Gradually, her chirps became more frequent. 'No way you already ate those' I would think. Then I caught on to her game. She was putting them all over the back seat. Under her butt, under her car seat, on the floor. It didn't matter. She was like a squirl and those cheerios were getting stored for winter.

After what felt like 9 million years we finally get to Seaside. The town is not like I remember. I remember Seaside fondly for family adventures, as well as the location for my High School Senior Trip. It's the place where the 'Dewaholic' t-shirt was concieved. I'm pretty sure it's the place my parents went on their Honey Moon at. Needless to say, this wasn't my parents Seaside.

First of all, it's small. The buildings are insanely close together, where it felt like you had to

walk sideways to get in between them. The streets are narrow to the point where it was making me feel unsafe driving down them-and I was in the passenger seat. My anxiety started to act up a little.

Second of all, the people. Not a specific person, but the majority of the locals looked like extras from a "Hills have Eyes" sequal. We went into a burger joint I remembered being delcious, because we were both starving. The two dudes manning the grill both had a set of eyes that were so close together on their face they could be confused as cyclops's. The woman, who I imagine was the manager on duty talked as if she could exhale pure nicotine and looked like the spitting image of the Landlord from "Kingpin".

If that refrence is lost on you, please take a moment to refresh:

Yummy. Alright, it's very possible she wasn't that bad, but this is my recollection of the events and I will recall it how I see fit. So suck it. Plus, it's so much better when you have visual aid. Enough of the fun, back to the story.

Third and most important, parking fucking sucks there. It was the Oregon coast in March. Not exactly a dream get away, yet there was still enough people to make us drive around looking for parking about 15 minutes longer then we should've.(side note: we found a parking lot behind the psuedo mall they have there and the situation was so tight that a bicyclist would've felt closterphobic navigating his shit through there. Anywho, some jackass in an SUV decided he would go his own way in the parking lot leading to a confusing moment where two cars were facing each other on a one way path. This didn't help anything.)

When we finally got a parking spot and unpack everything, it instantly starts to rain. Girlfriend is now frustrated. She is hungry, tired, and the rain is why she wanted to leave Vancouver. But the shit followed us. Totally lame.

Needless to say, we didn't last long in the city on the Side of the Sea. Just not that much to do there, at least while it's raining. Maybe if we got to go play on the beach it would've been more fun. Sadly, no beach for us. Just tacky gift shops and an over priced burger.

We did almost do one of those old time photos, which would've been cool. But Baby wasn't holding up and we couldn't decide on a pose. Oh well, maybe next time. Cuz there will be a next time.

Oh Seaside, we've had some good times, you and I. Unfortunately, This wasn't one of them. You were just too far of a drive for that day, your streets are too narrow and your people were extra creepy. We went there to play on your beach and you rained on us. Shame on you.

It wasn't a complete fail though, I mean I did get to spend that quality time with the Girlfriend and the Baby. So in that light, thanks Seaside.

And see you next time.

Special Guest Post: A Born Winner's perspective on marriage

I spent this weekend with my buddy Rob up in Seattle. While we were out and about we got on the subject of my blog and the shit I do on here. It seemed like just passing conversation, but at some point he asked if it would be cool if once in awhile he wrote a "Special Guest Blog." I said 'yes' and didn't think anything about it after that. Well tonight, I got a voice mail from Rob telling me to check my email. Sure enough, the Born Winner has already completed his first special guest post.

Here you go, it's called: "Why Men Get Married"

My whole life I have always wondered why men get married, and untilI started knocking doors and witnessing the interaction, the decision making process, and lives of the elderly I never understood it.

From my point of view I only saw how the women nagged, withheld sex, begged for children, spent all the money (and if things went really poorly took half the money), and so on. My career has given me a completely different take on the situation. This may seem like a sexist rant so far, but this is actually a cautionary tale for you would never guess it...women.

The advantages for women wanting to get married seemed so obvious to me, but the advantages for the men never quite added up. The way I saw it if you stayed single as a man you could: 1. Keep your money 2. keep your freedom, and 3. pray on the single women desperate to get married, or even better clean up on divorcees (even easier).

Here is where the doom and gloom, and ultimate reason guys get married set in for me. When guys get old they lose it. By lose it I mean they are mindless invalids. When most guys hit 70 two things happen either they die (worst case scenario?) or they lose their mind, forget everything, and need someone to wipe their ass for them. I'm serious most old men can't even remember what they had for breakfast at lunchtime, let alone be responsible for personal hygiene. In the end most marriages end up being some type of lifetime symbiotic relationship.

In the early years/middle ages the husband supports the wife financially and emotionally through pms menopause and all that crazy nonsense, which is what I always saw, but in the end they literally need somebody to keep them alive. They can't cook for themselves, they can't clean for themselves, and they certainly can't take care of themselves in any way shape or form.

So congratulations ladies, that free ride you thought you were picking up wasn't actually free in the end. Enjoy wiping ass and taking care of someone that is completley grumpy and ungrateful, that can't even remember the nice things you did for them yesterday.

Coming from me in my mind this is one of the strongest endorsements of marriage I can give. I always heard marriage was a give and take, and as far as I'm concerned wiping ass is the ultimate take. So congrats ladies enjoy the final years of your life as a caregiver.

Quick Ramblings: Things are the chapping my balls

I got some things to say and I have shit for an attention span today. So instead of focusing a post on each of these topics like I normally would, I'm going to just ramble a little bit. It's been a while since I've done that. So without further hesitation, here is what I got on my mind right now:

Listening to the radio today, I heard a commercial start off saying,"3 most frightening letters in the English Language, I-R-S" Bull shit. The three most frightening letters are H-I-V. No contest. 9/10 humans would rather have money issues then a death sentence ( say 9, because apparently Magic Johnson doesn't care if he has AIDS or not. He is rich enough for the cure).

Even with the bad economy, any sane person would agree that money troubles are no match for a virus that kills you. The IRS may be able to do lots of mean shit to you, but in the end you'll still be breathing. You might be naked and without a place to go, but you'll still be breathing. You contract HIV, and you've been handed confirmation that your life has an expiration date.

You tell me whats more frightening.

Big Ben Rothlisburger got busted for sexual misconduct again. This time with a 20 year old in a bar who has a head wound and a convincing story to back her. I have two takes on this. 1, if Ben is innocent then shame on this whore. That being said, even if innocent, Ben needs to start being more careful where he is throwing his attention on. This is two times bro. Eventually we stop believing you.

If Ben is guilty, well then dude, what the hell?! You are a two time Super Bowl winning Quarterback in a blue collar town that love their sports. You play Quarterback for the Steelers. You are the most recognizable face on that franchise. You can't tell me you don't get plenty of offers every day. There has got to be some Steel Mill worker's daughter you can take out for a good romping.

Also if you're guilty, I'm sorry for calling that girl a whore.

I was takin a piss today at the urinal at work and a guy who I know only by facial recognition posted up next to me. Alright, thats not an issue but what is an issue is that he felt obligated to speak. I'm not sure what he was talking about because I was doing what I was supposed to be, and that is concentrating on the flow and minding MY OWN business.

Look if you got something to say, sweet, lets talk about it when our swords aren't drawn. When I'm peeing I want to enjoy it. I don't want to talk to anyone. I especially don't want to talk to another dude who is holding his own meat and peeing. I feel like this isn't too much to ask.

It's just another one of those unwritten rules of life, right up there with "don't pass out with your shoes on" and "if you're currently fighting a civil suite for sexual misconduct, it's a good idea to not do anything that could lead to you being accused of it again two years later in a seperate incident. Most notebaly, with a 20 year old you met at a bar." Right, Ben?

The Great Debate

The other day I recieved an email from The Elder, one of my best friends and an absolute wizard of instigating sports debates (no joke, if I ever get my own radio show I want him to co-host it. No one gets me focused on tangents better then him). The subject line was simply : "Let the debating Being..." naturally, I was intrigued. The Elders email read like this:

I have put some thought and study into this, and I have composed a list of the greatest sports teams of all time. This is my opinion, and i am curious as to what your thoughts are as well as what your lists would be.

Greatest Sports Teams of All Time:

• 1.)1980 Soviet Union Hockey Team*


• 2.) 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers Football Team


• 3.) 1972-73 UCLA Mens Basketball Team


• 4.) 1995-96 Chicago Bulls


• 5.) 1992 USA Dream Team


• 6.) 1927 New York Yankees


• 7.) 1985 Chicago Bears


• 8.) 2000-01 Los Angeles Lakers


• 9.) 2002 Brazil Soccer Team


• 10.) 2001 Seattle Mariners*

HONORABLE MENTION:2005 USC Trojans Football Team* 1998 New York Yankees

* - asterix denotes that they did not win a championship that season

I had a number of issues with this email. 1, he put a Hockey team first. Not to mention the 1980 Soviet team was the team that lost to the US in the Lake Placid Miricle game. 2, He put the 01 Lakers on this list ( I don't want to step on the toes of my rebuttle, so just wait for my reasons why). 3, he put the 01 Mariners. The team that was famous for it's out of no where 116 wins, and infamous for choking like David Carradine (I'm sorry, thats not funny. Autoerotic asphyxiation is a serious matter and should be treated as such, haha)

What upset me the most about the 01 Mariners being on the list, was I felt like he was taking a personal dig at me. How could he possibly think this team was better then the 98 Yankees? They only won two less games then the 01 Mariners, but blew through the playoffs and won a World Series. It just did't add up.

Being a Dodgers fan, he wasn't left a bloody mess after the 2001 ALCS like I was. The idea that he deliberatly put the M's on there to piss me off put me in a bad place the rest of the day. Before I replied to this email, I had to have his reasons for including them.

After talking to him, I realized his reasons for putting the M's on there were justified. Wrong, but justified. Armed with the reassurance that this was legit, I fired back my response:

Can they really be "Greatest teams" If they didn't win a championship? I disagree with a few members on your list. Mainly the Soviets and the Mariners ( that was painful. Someone call my doctor, I'm going to have some issues to work through). They didn't win. If any team deserves to be on this list without a championship it's the 07 Pats. Thats it.

The Soviets lost to college kids and amatures. Is the 92 dream team losing to a team made up of college versions of Grant Hill and Chris Webber (actually legend has it is they did beat the 92 team in a scrimmage, but Allen Houston started talking shit, and Michael Jordan made sure Mr. Houston didn't touch the ball the whole next game they played.) Point is, Jordan is not losing to amatures with a medal in his grasp.

Two, my beloved 01' Mariners. They won a major league record 116 games. They were a fun team to watch, and an easy team to root for. But as they proved in October, they were not great. They lost to the Yankees in the ALCS. Here is where it's going to get painful. Those 98 Yankees were the best baseball team I've ever seen. They won their division by 22 games. They won the most games ever at that point with 114, and had a playoff record (including sweeps in the divisional round and the world series) of 11-2. They had young Derek Jeter, a entering his prime Bernie Williams and an All-Star year out of Tino Martinez. They had Pettite, Cone and a overly productive David Wells. The team had NO holes. It's shouldn't be close.

01 Lakers? Why? They won their division by 1 game over the Kings. They didn't win 60 games. They were completely average untill Shaq got his fat ass into gear, and happened to lay waste to the western conference playoffs. That aside, the 96-97 Bulls as well as the 85-86 Celtics both 69 wins and are largely debated as some of the greatest teams ever. Long story short, no team with Shaq's fat ass deserves to be in the top ten sports teams ever.

AND WHERE THE HELL IS THE 72 DOLPHINS! They went undefeated!

That was my response to everything. I obviously had some quams with The Elders list.

Real quick though, lets talk about the 72 Dolphins. True, they were in a less talented league then we currently have, which has been the common response from anyone reading that original email.

"The line men were smaller," "The players were slower," "They played less games," the ney sayers say. While all these are true, only the third I recognize as a valid complaint. The undefeated Dolphins of 1972 are the only undefeated team in any of the four main American Pro Sports history (Those four: Football, Basketball, Baseball and Hockey). They were 17-0 that year (to be perfect in the NFL now you would have to be 19-0). Two extra games means you have two extra chances to spoil perfection. I understand this, and it's a good point. However, there were also less teams meaning the talent wasn't as spread out. For the talent pool available was much more condensed then it would be now.

This brings us to the next two arguments, that there was a lack of athleticism then there is in today sports. There for we shouldn't recognize that team. That maybe so, but that could be said for all sports.

You can't tell me that there is a single team in the NBA right now that would lose to a team in the NBA 30 years ago. Could you imagine a former MVP Dave Cowens trying to guard a guy like Dwight Howard? Cowens was slow and 6'9", yet he was also a 2 time MVP. Dwight Howard can dunk on 12 foot rims. This would not be a game, it would be an execution.

The only sport that can translate is from 30 years ago to today is Baseball. But even then, the old team is battling up hill because of how physically perfect (granted, most artificially) the players are. In 1972, it's not inconcievable to see a player built like me (5'10" 175 lbs). Today, your average player is built like a Florida State line backer.

Example: Ozzie Smith, all star and hall of fame short stop. Played almost 20 years in the MLB. He was listed at 5'11" 150 lbs. Derek Jeter (a player who no one has EVER suggested to have done roids) is listed at 6'3" 195. Both All Stars. Ozzie is in the Hall, Derek is heading there. Here is the catch, Derek is considered to be not a very big dude. Back when Ozzie started out, Derek would be considered a power hitter. Now he is a line drive hitter.

All sports have evolved. Just because a team was perfect in 1972, and not 2010 doesn't mean they weren't perfect. They played the best in the world at that time, and they beat the best in the world at that time. They were great then and they are great now.

Done and done.

So here is my list of the Greatest Teams of All Time:

1. 95-96 Bulls: 72-10, 33 of which were road wins, which is an NBA record. They had the MVP, Michael Jordan, and three members on the leagues 1st team All Defense squad (Jordan, Pippen and Rodman). They also went 15-3 on the way to claiming their 4th ring in 6 seasons.
2. 95 Nebraska- Yeah I agree with The Elder on this one. The numbers are jaw dropping. They went un-defeated and slapped second ranked Florida 62-24 in the Championship game. Also, they beat four other top ten ranked teams by 23 that season.
3. 92 Dream Team: First year America sends the pro's to do business, and boy did they ever. 10 of the 12 were voted on the 50 Greats Players of All Time team. They set the bench mark for which all other Olympic basketball teams will be judged (especially the American teams. Just ask the "Redeem Team"). They took home the Gold Medal while sporting an 8-0 record with an average win of 43.75. Way to show up, rest of the world.
4. 72 Dolphins: Again, UNDEFEATED.
5. 85 Bears: 18-1 (15-1 in the regular season, 3-0 in the playoffs). A team that had Michael Singeltary AND Walter Payton ran through three playoff games outscoring teams 91-10 on their way to a Super Bowl. Yeah, thats great.
6. 98 Yankees- As stated, 114 wins, swept the World Series. Won their division by 22 games. 4 different guys with 20+ home runs. All 5 guys in their rotation won atleast 13 games.
7. 76-77 Montreal Canadians- NHL players weren't allowed to play in International Hockey tournaments until 1988, so to me that voids out Olympic Hockey teams. Looking at the NHL, the all time leader in Points is the 76-77 Montreal Canadians. They were 60-8 with a home grown squad ( 14 of their 24 players were originally drafted by them) and outscored opponents by 216 goals (also an NHL record). They outscored opponents by an average of 2.7 goals a game, and swept the Boston Bruins on the way to winning their 20th Stanley Cup.
8. 1973 UCLA Bruins- 30-0, destroyed Memphis State in the championship behind Bill Waltons 44 points (Which was just another day in the office, he hit 21 of 22 field goals)
9. 1985-1986 Boston Celtics- They went 40-1 at home and had 67 wins overall. They won their 16th championship over the previous 22 seasons that year and had the Leagues MVP (Bird, who won his third straight that year). Also they had 4 members of the NBA's 50 Greatest Players of All time Team.
10. 2002 Brazillian Soccer Team- Now I'm not the smartest Futbol fan in the world, so I decided to assume The Elders pick was the wise one. That being said I looked up what this team did, and oh buddy did they beat ass. They went undefeated in their Group, then as soon as the knock out trournament began ran amuck, only giving up 1 goal in 4 games (They won the Cup, and outscored their four opponents by 7-1)

HONORABLE MENTION

1. 1927 Yankees: Won their division by 19 games and swept the Series that year. They put up the 5th highest win total ever: 110 wins (in only 154 games). They also 107 home runs between their 3-4 hitters (Ruth 60, Gerhig 47). The knock against the, MLB was only white dudes at this time.
2. 07 Patriots: Only team to go un-defeated through the regular season in the NFL since they expanded to 16 games. Thats gotta be worth something. Tom Brady and Randy Moss set records for Touchdowns by their positions (Brady threw 50 Td Passes and Moss caught 22 of them). They didn't win the Superbowl, therefore do NOT belong on my Top-10.
3. O1 Lakers: Just because Shaq has a fat ass, and this team coasted through the regular season doesn't mean I'm not going to show their playoff dominance some love.

Blazers vs Utah (and the events that followed)

It wasn't hard to find the perfect metaphor for Sundays collaps.

As Sarah and I arrived at my car parked in the Lloyd Center parking lot (where I park for every game I go to), I wasn't feeling so good.

"Whats wrong, babe?" she asked. I looked at her, not really sure how to answer that. Three hours ago I felt fine. AT that moment I felt far from. In fact it felt like my stomach was getting rung out like a wet towel.


It was actually more painful then that analogy let on. My stomach didn't just feel queezy, I was in legit pain. I could feel my stomach twist in a fashion that would leave me momentarly debilitated. It seemed to get worse the closer to the car we came. By the time we got to the car, I wanted to carve my stomach out with a fork and knife. Sarah looked concerned. I had had a stomach flu the week prior, but we thought it had gone away ( I know, I know. I'm turning into a real life version of Sick Boy from Van Wilder). She asked what was wrong and I simply replied, "Hun, I'm going to throw up tonight."


Sarah and I went to the Blazer game on Sunday, and thats where we were when my stomach started to act up. I was drinking a beer (any coralation to the fact that I'm on doctors orders not to drink and I was enjoying a beer when my stomach started to hurt? Maybe, but you can't prove it).


It was at this game where I watched my beloved Portland Trail Blazers come out from the opening tip off swinging the perverbial big dick and taking it straight to the Utah Jazz. They had managed a 25 point lead at one point. I was on cloud 9 watching Nic Batum remind us all of his endless potential. However, about the time my stomach started to hurt, the Blazers began to shit the bed.


And I'm not being over dramatic. Throughout the second half we watched a 25 point lead against a division rival vanish. Like John Mayers public percieved purity-GONE! I felt sick. Both theoretically, and legitametly.


(How do you blow a 25 point lead? More importantly, how do you let Carlos Boozer tip on in at the buzzer to send the game into Overtime?! )


Thats actually all I'm going to say about the game. Here I am, a few days later and I'm still upset. And to be quite frank, my health is in no position to get worked up like that.

When we got home, I tried ot make my self throw up. I went into the bathroom and dry heaved for a bit. No luck. Not even that stomach acid stuff that comes when you try too hard. The only thing I achieved was pissing my stomach off. I was hungy, but affraid to eat. I was tired, but affraid to sleep. So I did the next best thing, I drank pepto bismol, ate saltine crackers, drank a lot of water (to really piss my stomach off) and watched The Wire untill my stomach was ready for release ( I learned last week that when you have a stomach flu, if you combine water and saltine, your stomach will want to fight you).

Two hours later it still hadn't come, and I was tired of fighting the Sandman. I put the computer down, and closed my eyes. No more then a half hour later, a blood curdling scream came from downstairs. It was girlfriends baby. But this was not the typical "mom, I want my bottle" cries that we were used to. This was something more terrifying.

Girlfriend went downstairs, and after 15 minutes of her not returning I followed suite. I wanted to see what was causing her to cry like that, and I could feel my stomach negotiate the release of it's contents.

As it turned out the little Princess had thrown up herself, and even getting the vile into her eyes (throw up is mixed with stomach acid, that could NOT have felt good). I walked in the bathroom as Sarah was cleaning her.

"Babe, you might wanna hop out here for a second, I'll watch the babe." I said to her. "It's time to throw up myself."

" Just do it, I'm going to clean her. I'm fine." Thats all I needed to hear. I did an immidiate about face, kneeled and violently threw up a filthy combonation of cracker, pepto bismol, and beer. Wanna know what Pepto and Hef taste like together? Like asshole. Try it if you don't believe me.

Unlike the casual vomiting I experienced the week before (it didn't hurt, it was just queeziness. I'd go to the can, vomit a little bit, come out and make a joke. I was back to work the next day) this was not a good time. There was no joking about it this time. I was throwing up like I was trying a self exercism. Furiously violent whiplash heaves all producing the most toxic of smelling vomit one could imagine. I had both hands gripping onto the bowl and I was throwing up like it was a bit straight out of an early Jim Carry movie.

Then it happened. While I was in the process of shaking loose all my organs, I aparently lost control of abillities I developed as a toddler.

Like control over my bowels. Yes while I was relentlessly evacuating material through my mouth I began to start evacuating more material through my ass. Again, for the first time in probably twenty something years, I was shitting my pants.

15 minutes later, the storm had died down a bit (I ended up throwing up and pissing out of my ass multiple times through the next 20 hours, thank goodness the butt juice from that moment on ended up in the toilet and not my boxers). The damage had been done. I was a wreck and in no mood to move.

As I layed on the bathroom floor it came to me. That night was in itself the perfect metaphor for that nights Blazer game. The night started off awesome, just like Portlands 25 point lead. However the night went on a little too long (trying to make myself throw up, when I should've just tried to sleep it off) just like the Blazers who let the Jazz sneak into overtime. And by the end of the night, like myself, the blazers ended up throwing the game up and shitting all over themselves.

Well done, fuckers.

St. Valentines day: The day of Love

Ah, Valentines day. What a wonderful day. The day where you take that special someone out and make them feel like, well, that special someone.

This year I got someone special. And it's funny how participation in an event or a holiday like Valentines day changes your opinion on something. Take that opening sentence. It seems real optimistic, like there is real joy in there. Sounds totally gay, right?!

But thats how I feel. I'm really excited about tonight and taking the girlfriend out for dinner and exchanging gifts. I got her flowers as well a present I know she wants, and I know she's gonna be very excited to get those gifts. I enjoy doing stuff like that for her. She is a very appreciative gift reciever.

What makes it funny is it's a direct contrast to my opinion on this very day last year. Here is what I wrote in a blog entitled: Happy Valentines day, valentine.

"Valentines Day blows. It's nothing more then a cheap excuse for men to shell out money on their lady friend, and to remind the single dudes how big of a schmuck they really are.

I'm now going to masturbate in my own tears and go to sleep in a room full of dudes. "

It's all about participation. The lonely people (ie. me last year, who spent Valentines Day driving to Spokane to watch wrestling....yup) hate the fact that everyone other then him and his brothers are getting laid. The couples love the crap out of the day because it's on of the few days in the year when you are guaranteed to get laid (your birthday being the other).

Who are you kidding? Thats why guys participate Valentines day, is for the sex. This shouldn't be a revelation. I mean we don't get cleaned up and buy gifts just so we can pick up the tab at the resturant you chose for this day. No, we do this in hopes that we keep you happy enough to follow through on your guarentee that we will in fact, get laid later on that evening.

I mean I guess it's possible that the dude actually likes his lady (my situation excluded. I love my girlfriend, we maintain a high level of romance, constantly. Right babe?).

And if you are one of those who were clever enough to get through Valentines Day without letting down your Special Lady Friend and her lofty expectatios, and seem to be heading towards the marital bed (because sex can only happen between a married man and a woman), just be careful, wear a condom. Even if it's your wish to express your love to your partner in the form of butt sex... just rememer to still wear a condom. You can still get all the diseases that you can with the vagina, plus it's the place poop comes from.

Happy Valentines Day.

My Break Up with the Dunk Contest

Let the record show at 8:00 pm on 2/13/2010, that I, Andrew Belvin, am done with the NBA's dunk Contest. Like done, done. This isn't one of those break up's where I still like them and I'm not ruling out a chance of watching it again, but I still want to see what else is out there.

Oh no, we're splitsville.

This isn't a motivational tactic, like maybe the dunk contest doesn't have a job, and I'm tired of paying for EVERYTHING. I just feel like we've gone as far as we can go, ya know? Unless they do the equivalent of totally reinventing themselves, getting in shape and getting a dope job. Then we can re-open the case of Dunk contest and Belvins compatabillity(The only way this happens is if Lebron and some real dunkers finally show up).

Maybe I took it for granted. I'm not above admitting that. My first dunk contest was Kobe's coming out party. I remember everything about the Vince Carter and both of Jason Richardson wins. I used to plan my night around it.

It always irked me that Vince never defended his title. Or we never got a T-Mac, Vince, Kobe show down. Think about it, we could've thrown in Steve Francis, Desmond Mason and Jason Richardson. It would've been epic.

Unfortunatly we have more superstars who feel like Vince Carter and chose not to display their dunk skills anymore (or ever...cough cough Lebron, Dewayne Wade). Shit I remember distinctly, Vince Carter looking at ME through the tv and promising to follow up next year with more spectacular dunks. Saying something along the lines of 'I got more in my bag of tricks.'

The dunk contest has gone from the girl who always gave us a night we'd never forget, to the girl we can't remember. She used to give us things to talk about not just for months, but for years with our buddies ( Amongst my friends, Jason Richardson is talked about with the same gusto as my boys when they talk about the night they caught me wasted making out with a girl who had pulled her wig off and made her cry).

The dunk contest transforms you. In a league where image is as important as your jump shot (see Allen Iverson elected as All-Star starter this year), the contest can give you more individual attention then anything you can dream of.

Every guy my age after Vince Carters domination of the '98 contest believed he was the best 2 guard in the league for YEARS after that. In reality, he couldn't even get a seat at Kobe's restuarant.

Maybe the Dunk Contest has been taking me for granted? Knowing that every year, me and the millions of like minded dudes out there would gather around the Saturday of All-Star weekend hoping for a return to glory, and it didn't matter what the end result was because the we watched it anyway. That would explain why this year Nate Robinson was qued up to win his un matched 3rd dunk contest (Side Note: I was so disgusted with the dunk contest, I stormed out after the last dunks knowing DeMar DeRozan had won. I became physically ill when I found out because of the fan text messaging vote, Nate Robinson had been named the victor).

Yes, little Nate Robinson won his 3rd contest. Michael Jordan, Jason Richardson, Dominique Wilkins are all two time winners, but lil' Nate has passed them all by.

I understood the first one. Atleast I understood the novelty of it. Here is Nate Robinson, billed in at 5'8" but showing off what some might call super human leaping abillity. I have seen him cleanly check Yao Ming on a jump shot. I understand why he won the first one. It made sense. It's exciting to see a short man get up there, especially with some of the style he was doing it with.

How does he win a second? Are kids voting for him because he is there size? It's sure not because he deserved to win. He misses his first attempt at EVERY dunk. Then we just give him credit because he is mini-sized. Not cool.

That being said, it's not like we had better options (DeRozan should've won. He had the best dunk of the night, hands down. But thats what we get when the NBA gets to put no name bench players in a contest and then allows fans to vote). Who had a chance to beat the novelty of a guy so short he looks like he is jumping from a trampoline? Gerald Wallace? Please, he looked like he owed some Wise Guy money and said Wise Guy told him to take a dive.

Or we got Shannon Brown. Acutally that one smarts a bit. I actually picked him to win. The guy can fly, and he had been openly campaigning to get into this years contest. He wanted in so bad that there was a website put up for the purpose of letting Shannon dunk (it was creativly called letshannondunk.com). Yet he came out almost as bad as Wallace.

Seriously, Shawn Bradly is somewhere right now commenting on their lack of creativity in the air.

This years contest was rotten like a yeast infection. And despite watching it on my dads couch, I wanted my money back. I felt bad for everyone that dropped top dollar prices to watch these dudes hack it up.

I bet if you polled everyone who watched the even (on tv or live) if they'd rather sit through that again or watch 6 people suffering from autism dunking off trampolines (to prove this isn't an autism joke, so all proceeds from my fantasy All-Star event would go to benift autism research) I would venture a guess the majority would say, "BRING ON THE F***ING TRAMPOLINES!"

The Dunk Contest spit on the trust I had given her, and I'm not sure if I can forgive her for it. She is a cold hearted bitch. I gave her another chance after last years Nate Robinson dibacle (if you bring it up to my brother, you will trigger the following reaction: He will shit his pants, start swearing at you, and then punch you so hard that you will, in turn, shit your pants. So lets not talk about it). But then she turned right around and stooped to a new low.

I can never forgive her. I will not come back. I will not give her another chance.

(unless she gets a boob job. And by boob job I mean LeBron comes to play).