Cabeza De Vaca can Suck my Cock-a

Monday was somewhat of a milestone for me. For the first time in nearly three years, I packed up my backpack and took my ass back to class. Yes, I am a officially a college boy again. Somewhere, my mother is smiling.

Waking up at the crack of dawn (8 am) I traveled a great distance ( 15 minute drive time) to get to my first ever class at WSU-V (Washington State University Vancouver). Jokes aside I was nervous as shit about my first day. After all I was making a pretty big commitment here.

I was jumping back into the pool with out testing the waters. Full time student, full time employee, AND full time boyfriend. If you look at available time as a full pie, after all that I get left with crumbs. The way I originally had my schedule organized barely left me enough time to shit, let alone any video game, gym or beer time. I knew heading into my first day that this was going to be intense, and I may grow to regret it.

My class schedule was History 40-something. English 402. Philosophy and a Humanities class focusing on "Hip Hop and Film in Society". Now I know it's almost been 3 years since I turned in my last final, but I can still sniff out the classes that are going to have a ton of homework. And all four of those classes reaked of it.

I showed up to my first class a little early. The people who were the before me were scattered through out the room. The lights were still off in the room and no one was really talking. A couple of whispers here and there. Mostly just dark and quiet. Already not enjoying the vibe.

Class was about two minutes away from starting and the professor hadn't showed up yet. I was the only one sitting at my table. I kept thinking about how I wish I knew someone in this class. Literally seconds later the door swung open, and in walked my buddy Turd from High School. Thank you God, I thought. Maybe this won't be so bad.

The professor came in a few moments later. He was a tall, string bean looking nerd of a man. I would never question that this guy was a history professor. Lets just say that if this dude was an actor, the only time he'd get work is if the scene needed a history professor.

He made it clear from the begining this was not going to be the class for me.

"I'm (I honestly forgot his name already, so you can fill in the blank). Hopefully, you are all in the right class. This is History 406 (I think that was the number). " Yes, yes I am. His introduction was typical. It had a bit of smugness that comes with every dude who spent their entire twenties in college and sober. Nothing I haven't encountered before. So far so good. He then add's this fun little ice breaker. "We will be studying Coloniol America. It's an important time period for all of you, since I imagine you are all History majors."Uh... I'm an English major.

" Or whatever you are. Hopefully not a pointless a major like English." HEY! FUCK YOU DUDE.

Now he did go on to say that he was joking but the comment had me questioning everything. Doubt had crept into my mind and the syllabus hadn't even come out yet.

They syllabus came and only solidified my doubt. The class was requiring me to read multiple read books, on top of two text books (5 all together). A book report along with Weekly essays. Two research essays. By-weekly Tests, and a partridge in a pair tree! Welcome back to school, I thought. This is my first quarter back? Really!? What dumbass picked these classes?!

I mean this is my first quarter back. I haven't studied dick other then box scores in three years. Any essay I had written has either been about my itchy penis, black outs, or sports. Then keep in mind that I work full time. That means I go to class at nine in the morning, and I leave work at eight at night. Saturday is the only day where I don't have class or work. Or how about the girlfriend!? I'm no miss Cleo, but I saw into the future at that moment: I was locked in a padded room, wearing a straight jacket, and drooling everywhere while some old lady came in and read my Dr. Suess books once a week.

SCREW THIS! The message was clear from the professors joke and the syllabis :this class is not going to be for you!

After I left class that day I went home (I had a few minutes before work), confirmed that dropping that class wasn't going to screw up my financial aid (it wasn't), then promptly told class 'thanks, but no thanks'.

I guess it's better to check the temperature before jumping into the deep end.

Goldberg, Revenge and a Stick Horse named Pepe

I've always found it funny what my brain chooses to remember and what it forgets. How does the subconscious decide what's too important to disregard, and what is useless? Good example : why am I able to remember things like the starting lineup for the 1999 Portland Trail Blazers, but not the ionic number for Uranium?

I have a hard time remembering specific events from High School. But I can tell you the whole plot of a random short story I wrote during that time. I can tell you the shirt I wore three years ago on a date, but not be able to tell you what the name was of the girl I was on the date with.

That being said, I'm not confused over the fact that I can distinctly remember the first time I witnessed people excited over Professional wrestling. I just think it's odd. Not because it was almost 15 years ago. Mainly because I wasn't even in the room watching wrestling when it happened.

Here is what happened: It was June 6 1998. I know this date is factual because I was at my buddy Seans house with him, my brother Jesse, his brother Ty and we were watching the MLB Home Run Derby that night at Coors Field (Griffey won, suck it).

Later that night, after Griffey had accepted his trophy, we were down stairs doing the childhood thing and getting ready for bed. Then out of know where, Seans crazy dad came into the room yelling, "Goldberg is fighting Hogan. Goldberg is fighting Hogan!" Jesse and Tyler freaked out and followed the dad back up stairs. I was too cool for that. Hulk Hogan? Seriously? I mean wrestling was gay. Also, what the fuck was a Goldberg?

Apparently Sean could tell by my facial expression I had no knowledge of this 'Goldberg'. "Dude, Goldberg is undefeated." Sean said quietyly. I remember him vividly being quiet as we sat in his room playing with his action figures. I'm sure he wanted to run up there with our brothers, but didn't want to risk looking un cool in front of me. I never ended up going up there, despite the yelps of extacy that came from atop the stairs. I believe Sean ended up doing it. To this day I regret this decision.

In fact, 24 year old me wishes he could beat the piss out of 11 year old me. Believe that. What I missed was a watershed moment in the history of wrestling. I missed Goldberg stomping his inflated undefeated record into a sold out Georgia Dome for his first World Title match. I missed Hollywood Hogan actually putting somebody over (Hogan gets alot of shit for using his backstage power, and not putting people over. But you gotta give him credit here). I missed Tony Schiavone losing his shit calling the match. I missed the Jack Hammer that shocked the Wrestling World and gave Goldberg his first World Championship.

What a stupid little kid I was.

Why? Well because no more then 4 months later, right before Goldbers first title run ended to Kevin Nash (and Scott Hall's Tazer) at Starcade, I became hooked on pro wrestling.

My love affair with the SPORT of professional wrestling started from simple beginings. It was all because I was a self concious 7th graded who just wanted to be cool. The 8th graders liked wrestling. I wanted to hang out with the 8th graders. My mission became simple: I had to figured out what was so cool about wrestling.

So I checked out an episode of WCW programing. It was an episode of WCW Saturday Night. I remember four things. Norman Smiley, and his taunt, 'the big wiggle'. Disco Inferno, a homo with permed hair who wore gay bell bottoms. A loud mouthed Jackass with big blonde hair named Chris Jericho, and lastely, Chavo Guerrero, a card carrying member of the LWO (Latino World Order) and a guy who came to the ring on a stick horse named Pepe. A STICK HORSE! Oh, how I loved Pepe.

Despite my mothers objections (and they were many), I quickly became a wrestling junkie. It wasn't my fault, wrestling simply offered an addictive formula for me as 13 year old. Violence, video games and skanky chicks. That right there is the holy trinity of developing early teenaged male followers.

By 14 (staying true to the form of a junkie), I had upgraded to a harder drug-The WWF. I had grown tired of what WCW was offering and when my mom wasn't looking, I would flip from Nitro over to Raw. My mom had since given into the fact that we were watching wrestling. She still wasn't cool with it, more like she just accepted it. Because of that acceptance, we had a somewhat unspoken agreement that it was cool because WCW didn't garnish the type of negative attention that WWF did back then.

WWF was where X Pac would tell people to 'suck it' 127 times an episode. WWF was where Vince McMahon exposed his bare ass for people to kiss. WWF is where Miss Kitty came out in a bikini made of bubble wrap. WWF was where the tv got changed to. And it didn't leave.

Still to this day I am an avid watcher of professional wrestling. Not so much the WWE (earlier in this decade they got sued and lost to the World Wildlife Foundation and were told to "get the 'f' out") because they have moved to more family friendly programing.

It's not that I don't like it, it's just hard to watch Raw now and not compare it to what it used to be (they have since took away the skanky women, blood and bad language). Ok, I lied. I fucking hate it. I mean who watches wrestling to not see blood? It's not the same. Case and point: What would the "Die Hard" movies have been like if John McClain didn't end up wearing blood soaked T-Shirts in each one of them? Boring as balls, thats what.

I really could write a book focusing on just my theories and opinions on WWE's "PG" programing, but I'll resist. Thats for another chapter on another day (if I remember).

The Ballad of King Felix

We just finished game 113: a 2-0 co-op shut out tossed by Felix and Ardsma. Another outstanding start by King Felix, handcuffed by another disapointing game for every Mariner in the batting order. The Mariners offense isn't even a joke anymore, it's just fucking depressing.

The Mariners offense has been so abismal (dead last in MLB in every major statistical category except stolen bases) that it has completely overshaddowed the teams legitiment bright spot: Felix Hernandez.

The pitching as a whole has been decent, even after the trading of Cliff Lee. Outside of King Felix and his brilliance and the two months of Cliff Lee, Jason Vargas and Doug Fister have been more then serviceable. Unfortunalty, we also had to sit through a few months of turd sandwiches delieved by Ryan Rowland-Smith and Ian Snell (both of whom have since been placed in the Whitness Protection Agency).

Those schmucks included the Mariners have a team era of 3.93, which is good for 12th in the league. Not good, but certainly not bad. You can almost call it respectable. What's bad is that we are giving up almost four runs a game and only scoring 3.2 runs ourselves.

It's simple math, really: If you score 3 runs a game while giving up 4-you're gonna lose.

This team is so bad offensivly, it often feels like we'd have a better chance at tacking runs up with a Community College team. While doing the research, here are some of the jaw dropping highlights of their offsensive incompetence (I guess it would make more sense to call them 'lowlights'):

• Twice this season they have scored over ten runs :(
• They have been shut out 10 times .
• 69 games this season they have scored 3 runs or less.
• Twice this season they have been shut out in back to back games.
• They have scored 21 runs less then any team in baseball.
• They are flirting with becoming the first team since 1979 to score less then 200 runs in the second half of the season (Last team, 79 Padres).
• They have a team average of .236 while racking up an incredible total of 67 homeruns thus far.

This piece started off as a bitch session about the worst offensive team I've ever seen and a goodbye to Don Wakamatsu. After about 15 minutes of rock kicking, I was reminded of twho the bigger victim in this mess is: Felix.

For the vast majority of the season, Felix has pitched like his childrens lives depend on it. Somehow, despite being 4th in the AL(and 9th in MLB)in ERA, and 2nd in the AL in strike outs- he has posted a record of 8-9. That is the record befitting a third starter having a mediocre season, not an Ace who is pitching out of his mind. Which he is.

Felix, other then the people who pay tickets for every game other then the one he pitches, has been the biggest victim of our teams inabillity to produce anything on offense. To prove my point, lets look at the numbers:

• Twice this season we have scored 7 or more runs in a game for him.
• 7 of his 8 wins he has gone over 8 1/3 innings... including 5 complete games.
• In all 8 wins he has given up 2 runs or less
• In his 25 starts this season we have scored 5 runs or more 5 times.
• In 14 of his 17 losses or no decisions he has given up 3 runs or less.
• He leads ALL OF BASEBALL in quality starts.... that right there is the killer.
  

I'm not trying to prove that the Mariners are bad. All you need to do is pick up your daily news paper and see that they have a firm hold over the celler of the AL West Division to know that they blow goats. I just want to raise awareness of the victims from this mess. It's Don Wakamatsu, or any of the other coaches who got axed this week. It's our minor leaguers like Dustin Ackley and Justin Smoak who are waiting for thier call up, butfor some reason they are still waiting behind the shit crew we have up here right now(you can't tell me they would be any worse). It's Justin Vargas and Doug Fister who have suprised all of us with serviceable seasons.

It's the fans, who pay good money to watch this train wreck.

It's Felix, who shocked everyone by signing a long term extension a full year before he was set to test Free Agency. Now he is doing what he promised and delivers Cy Young caliber starts everytime he takes the mound.

Unfortunatly for him ( and fortunately for the Mariners organization and it's fans) the name on the front of his Jersey says the 'Mariners' and not 'Yankees', and unless he finds a way to get the other team to score negative runs.... he isn't going to win many more games this year.

Now that is depressing.

Girl fart vs Guy fart: the Facebook Manifesto

My brother texted me yesterday asking me to go squash the argument that was taking place over his facebook thread. “Whats it over?” I asked back. “Girl farts vs Guy Farts” he replied. Instant inspiration overtook me, “don’t worry," I replied, "I got an essay ready for these bitches.”

I went home an hour later at lunch, pulled out my laptop and wrote my Girl Fart vs Guy fart manifesto(ironically, I was dropping a deuce while writing it).

Without further ado, here is my reply:

The answer is easy, its girl farts. Does that mean girl farts smell worse? No. Not by a long shot. It's irresponsible for us to assume that the odor caused by female flatulence is ANY different then males. That being said, chick farts-due to their infrequent and often unexpected arrival are far worse then men. Allow me to elaborate:

Males are crude, immature creatures by nature. It's in our genetic code to swear profusely, laugh at inappropriate material, and go days without showering. When a girl makes the consensual decision to hang out with a male in a social setting- they are doing so with the understanding that we may offend them. Offenses including, but not limited to: excessive use of the 'f' word, references to genitals and/or masturbation, and of course, the chance that he may fart.

Now because the girl understands these facts, she is prepared for such and is less likely to be offended. Shock is removed from any situation when you expect it.

Would Pearl Harbor have had the same lasting effect on America if we knew what the Japanese were up to? Hell no. So if the girl has any resemblance of intelligence she is going to understand that guys fart, thus removing the shock from the situation and any chance of her to be offended.

On the flip side, girls want us to assume their farts either A) don't stink, or B) (and not realistically) don't fart at all. By not recognizing a fart as a perfectly normal bodily function, the female is unintentionally keeping the shock value intact.

True story, one summer day I was driving with a female friend of mine (for privacy reasons, I will keep her name from the story). We were having a nice drive, but it was hot as balls outside so we had the windows up with the air conditioner blasting. Then, without warning, I was assaulted by a smell that can only be described as: it smelt like the fat man at the beginning of seven (the gluttony guy) took a shit in my back seat and let it marinate all day under the hot summer sun. The smell CONSUMED my car.

'What the fuck is that smell?' I thought to myself. I pulled into the girls drive way to have a look around. Half expected the Triceratops turd from Jurassic Park to be in the seat behind the driver seat. Fortunately, it was not. However, what I did notice was the smirk on my co pilot’s face. It was a cross between 'oh shit, I fucked up' and ' I have a super awesome secret'.

It didn't take long for her to own up to her crime, but it did take long for her to convince me to not press charges. I was outraged!' How can she be responsible for this!? Girls are not supposed to fart like that' I thought to myself.

Well they do. Girls do fart, and in some cases their farts can be super fucked up. Do they stink worse then guys? Sometimes, yes, but in general, no. Everyone knows I'm capable of melting the paint off the walls off just a slice of pizza.

But that’s where the difference is. When I'm eating a slice- people know its coming. So when it does, nothing gets said. Why do they need to? I'm not ashamed. It's not like I'm NOT going to do it in the future. Just open a window. But when the girl who claims she never fart does it, it gets blown out of proportion.

Girls, you don't want us to think your farts are worse? Then you got two options- A) stop farting or B) just admit that you are human and that you pass a little gas every now and again. That’s all we are asking. Allow us to be prepared.

(That, and maybe have a better diet.)

On second thought ladies, why don't we keep the 'fart' talk to a minimum… No man wants to know that his dinner was prepared near exposed garbage.

ConsPiracy th3ory

Exactly 1 month ago, Kevin Pritchard got fired from doing a job he has done better then anyone in the history of this world- and that was be the GM of the Portland Trailblazers.

In the 1 month A.K.( After Kevin), the Trailblazers have hired a new GM (former Oklahoma City assistant GM Rich Cho) and have added one player, swing man Wes Mathews (formerly of the Utah Jazz). Honestly, Can't complain about either move

Other then those things, we are hurting for anything to stir up news. Atleast untill Chris Paul vocalized his desire to get out of New Orleans again.

Quick back story: CP3 wants out of New Orleans. Duh. No one with 'once in a generation' talent wants to play their home games infront of a crowd of seven people. They also don't want to waste their talents on salvaging basketball casualties like Emecka Okeafor and Mo Peterson (especially when his knee's are on borrowed time already).

Kevin Pritchard, on a last ditched effort to save his job before the draft had a deal near completion that would've sent a number of Blazers to New Orleans in exchange for the player we DIDN'T draft in 2005 (we traded down in the draft so we could select Martell Webster, instead of selecting Deron Williams or Chris Paul. That was pre-Pritchard, obviously). The deal was seemingly done, untill New Orleans owner cock blocked the trade, deflecting KP's hailmary which lead to his dismisal.

Side Note: Now I don't think his inability to bring in CP3 is what got him fired. Obviously, Kevin pissed off some pretty important people-possibly even Paul Allen himself. Thats what got him fired. I think Allen probably went to him after the season and told him the only way to save his job was to land a big fish, aka Lebron or CP3. It didn't happen, and now he is gone. Moving on.

Now here we are, Chris Paul has informed the New Olreans Hornets that he would like to be traded. He understands that each player has an expiring clock, and he wants to play for a winner. He has basically said, 'If the you(the Hornets) are unable to build an acceptable contender around him, then you should trade me.' He has even gone as far as to providing a list of teams he wants to play for (the order varies depending on which source you are reading). The list includes: Dallas, Orland, LA, New York and Portland!

When I read this report, I'll admit, I didn't become un-glued with excitement like you would imagine I would. Why? Well because I didn't think there was a chance for him to actually be a Blazer. After all, that trade was already declined.

But then another rumor started floating around the Blazer based blogs and Portland talk radio. That rumor was this : Rich Cho became a candiate and ultimately was hired as the GM of the Portland Traiblazers due to the recommendation of William "World Wide Wes" Wesley. Oh? Well now that changes my opinion. I smell a conspiracy.

Who is World Wide Wes? William Wesley (or as some NBA players call him, "Uncle Wes") is a pretty powerful man within the NBA. What does he do? Who really knows. GQ magazine has him employed as a mortage broker. But he sure does get mentioned in a lot of trade rumors for a morgage broker. Here is what I do know: He is Dejuan Wagners God Father. He has known Lebron James since he was a teenager, is best friends with Leon Rose-Lebrons agent. He is rumored to have been an influence behind Derek Rose's commitment to Memphis (who was then coached by buddy John Calipari). Whatever it is that he does (make a good sandwhich, arrange to get off the market shoes for players, dispose of Hookers..) one thing is for sure, this man is a networking KING.

Why does this matter? Well one of Uncle Wes' favorite nephews goes by the name of Chris Paul. He is the guy who announced before the draft that "if you want Lebron, you trade for Chris Paul". Is it possible that Wes went to the Trailblazers with the knoweledge that they were interested in aquiring Chris Paul and said, "if you hire Rich Cho, we'll get Chris to your team"? If the stories I have read about Wes are true, yes, that is very possible.

His involvement makes more sense when you look at the other names Portland was interviewing for their vacant GM job. Names Danny Ferry, Randy Pfund, and Kiki Vandewegh were getting tossed around. These are guys who have held GM jobs in the past. While Rich Cho may have the right credentials TO BE a GM, it's not like his name makes the splash they were supposedly looking for.

If the conspiracy is true and he was behind the hiring, I don't think it had anything to do with KP's canning. If anything, this was done after the KP firing when Portland exposed their boner for Chris Paul to the world. And make no mistake, Portland has a GIANT boner for Chris Paul.

I think I speak for Blazer fans everywhere when I say: give me a lineup with Chris Paul and Brandon Roy. Let me see pick and rolls with Greg Oden that lead to moment swinging dunks. Let me see a 60 win team that expects to play in June. If this happens, if I get this team and it was all because of some closed doors back scratching and some secret handshakes. If all it took was a natural title promotion of an assistant GM from one of the best ran front offices in the NBA (Oklahoma City). If William Wesley gave us Rich Cho, and somehow we get CP3 too-well then I wouldn't give a shit if you could link Uncle Wes' to 2 pac's murder- the guy would qualify for saint hood in my book.

Rich Cho too.

Is this true? Like many of the better conspiracies in the NBA's history-we'll never know. But like the idea of CP3 and the Natural in the same line up, it's sure fun to think about.

NBA/NWO

Yesterday was the 14 year anniversary of the now legendary WCW PPV, "Bash at the Beach 96".

For those of you who do not know the historical significants of the event, allow me to learn your ass some knowledge:

The story line leading up to this match was this : The Outsiders (Kevin Nash and Scott Hall) were former WWF superstars coming in and planning a take over. They were not recognized as wrestlers of WCW, just two dudes who came in on their own, and were wrecking WCW's shit.

At The Great American Bash, president Eric Bischoff conducted an interview with the Outsiders(where they had to admit to not being employed by the WWF which is what the original implication of the storyline lead you to believe. But WWF was getting pissed and filed a law suite) and promised them a match at the following Pay Per View. After he wouldn't reveal who their match was against, the power bombed his ass of the stage.

Fast forward another month of terrorist like attacks on their weekly Monday night program, Nitro, the match was scheduled for the Main Event. The location, Daytona Beach Florida. The match was billed as six man tag match between WCW's finest-Randy Savage, Lex Luger and Sting against The Outsiders and a mystery partner. Speculation about the mystery partner ran wild, even causing the commentators to accuse one another about being the third partner.

The third member is revealed at the end of the match, in what was one of THE infamous moments in wrestling history. With all four members remaining in the match on the mat (well Hall was laid out side the ring, and Luger had been "knocked out" and rushed to the back by a medical staff) everybody's hero Hulk Hogan comes rushing to the ring. Hogan had been off tv for a few weeks and wasn't expected to be there, so the fans went ape shit nuts to see him come help his WCW brothers.

After he chases Nash out of the ring he is left in there by himself and his buddy Randy Savage. The crowd is eating up that Hulkster came to save the day. Then without notice Hogan turns his attention to the Mach Man and drops him with 3 Hogan leg drops.

The crowd shits themselves.

Hulk Hogan then cuts a promo, informing the world of their formation and intention. He told to the world that he was bored of everyone and that with his new friends, The New World Order of Wrestling (Hall and Nash) ,they were going to take over the world and destroy everything in their path.

14 years and 1 day later, sports fans sat stunned in front of their TV's as we watched the reformation of the NWO. Only this time it wasn't in wrestling. During the live ESPN special, "The Decision" Ohio Native Lebron James looked right in the camera and told the world "I'm taking my talents to South Beach."

With that line, we witnessed the most devastating Heel turn since Hogan in 96. At Bash at the Beach, Hogan turned his back on all his ideals, and revealed himself as a selfish prick. Today, we watched the most recognizable athlete in the world, turn his back on his home. Today, we watched one of the biggest Icon's in the world, stab his fans in the back. Today, we learned Lebron James doesn't know dick about loyalty (even though he claims to understand it's importance).

Today we watched the New World Order of Basketball get formed.

Lets get a few things straight. One, I understand the desire to play in Miami. Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade. I get it. I understand that he is 25, rich, and now he is going to be playing in front of hot Cuban snatch every night. Trust me, you don't have to sell me on the pro's of South Beach.

What I don't get is why a guy who is looking for championships didn't go to Chicago (where a team of young bad asses has been assembled and looks primed to rough shit up this season). What I don't get is why a guy looking to be a 'Global Icon' didn't go to New York (where if he could've saved Basketball in one of the Worlds Greatest, and Biggest Cities. If you are worried about being 'World Wide' isn't New York the ideal place?).

What I don't get is why a guy who accepts the Moniker of 'King' and desires loyalty turned his back on the team he had lead for 7 years and everyone of his fans (even though he had given Cleveland every implication that he intended on coming back).

I don't get why he had to drop a big 'Cleveland Steamer' all over the people of Cleveland on National TV.

Tonight we learned many things. We learned Lebron James will not be returning to Cleveland but will be playing for the Miami Heat next season. Thats the obvious. We also learned that he chews his nails (which is apparently the other big thing that came out of a whole hour long special, good job ESPN).

We also learned that Lebron James is no King. A King is the king dick and has ultimate authority. Now he is in Miami, where he has to share the authority with Dwayne Wade (who are we kidding, Wade is already King of South Beach. Lebron is HIS bitch now).

Thanks to this special, we now know Lebron is a selfish narcissist and either a dumb ass or a douche bag (those are the only two acceptable explanations for shitting on his home state on national tv).

What we also know is that when Vegas comes out with the odds, The Miami NWO (formerly the Miami Heat) will probably be favored to win the NBA title next year. But they won't. I remember the first NWO, I know what's in store for the new one.

They may start off strong, like the originals. No one will know how to defend them. But eventually ego's will take over and sour the partnership. Personal demons will become public and start to become a distraction (thats already started, please read up on Dwayne's very public and very ugly divorce). And don't forget about injuries.

Yes, on Thursday July 8th Lebron James became the third man in the formation of the NWO of basketball. The NBA was put on notice, and the leagues power seemingly shifted to South Beach. But history has a weird way of repeating itself, and like I said, we've seen this story before.

For those of you who haven't, it ends ugly.

The Decision

Tonight, ESPN is televising “The Decision”. At 9 pm Est time, the biggest superstar in the world tonight, LeBron James will announce his long awaited and speculated decision regarding his Free Agency. Over the last Two weeks he has been linked to joining the Nets, The Knicks, The Bulls, The Heat and staying with his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers. It's transformed the world of jouralism into the wild wild west, where induendo and speculation have replaced facts and truth.

Each team offers Lebron Jame something unique, that makes it possible for him to agree to join them.

• The Knicks give him chance to be the face that brings the worlds greatest Basketball city back to prominence after a full decade of shitty decisions and terrible basketball.
  
• The Bulls, have the pieces in place to provide him the greats supporting cast he could ask for. They have a franchise pointguard under 23 years old, and one of the best defensive big men in the league. They also had enough money to bring in Lebron +1(after Chris Bosh committed to Miami, they used the money on All Star Carlos Boozer).
  
• Cleveland, is obvious. He grew up in Akron Ohio. By all accounts, Lebron loves the state of Ohio and is said to be a very loyal dude. He has played all 7 years there, and his native state hasn’t seen a championship team-in any sport- in near 60 years.
  
• The Miami Heat, he gets to team up with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. He also gets to play on South Beach. Seems great on paper, but when you have three players making the Max, and 9 other players making minimum wage, not usually your best recipe. There also has some potential for pecking order problems. More on that later.
  
• The Nets with the billionaire Russian owner never really had a chance. Well, maybe they did because of the Jay-Z connection, and the young team they can put around him(Brook Lopez, Devin Harris and lottery draft pick Derek Favors). But it's hard to imagine Lebron dropped the Cav's to go play in Newark for 2 years while the stadium in Brooklyn was being built.

Two weeks ago, it seemed as if the decision was either Chicago or Cleveland. Chicago for the rings, Cleveland for the heart. Those were the only two choices.

Three Days ago, with 2 of the 3 prized Free Agents of the summer heading to South Beach, LeBron seemed poised to do what I had hoped all along-stay in Cleveland. After all, could all three of them even play together?

24 hours ago, twitter and blog sites were reporting The Knicks were in control. Chad Ochocinco’s twitter had some not so creatively disguised tweets about King James joining the Knicks :"@KingJames big bruh can i break the news now or do i still have to wait?" then this one, " #OCNNBREAKINGNEWS *Empire State of Mind* *wink* *wink*only the smart folk will put this together and figure out what i am talking about #6" Empire State of Mine obviously being the Jay-Z song about New York, and #6." (#6 being the number he will wear next year after he said he will respectfully personally retire Jordans digits).

Jared Dudly, of the Phoenix Suns says a source inside the New York organization has confirmed the Kings commitment to the Knicks.

Over the last 12 hours, ESPN has been blowing a different tune. It now seems to be the Heat that has the Golden Ticket. Which would be unfortunate.

It would be a waste of a generational talent. LeBron James is a freak. He has the athletic gifts of a God and is built like a linebacker. He is the prototype of what a basketball player should be. He is stronger than the person guarding him. He is quicker then the person guarding him, and he is smarter than the person guarding him. If I got drunk and wanted to create the ultimate Small Forward on NBA 2k10, it would have my face and Lebrons abilities. Fact.

Over the last two years the The King and his Cavaliers have won 127 regular season games and have gone into the playoffs each year as the favorite to win the title. Both times they have been bounced. Lebron has long lobbied for an all star side kick, but all the Cav's have been able to produce is a broken down Shaq, Antwan Jamison, and Mo Williams. Not neccesarly the 86 Celtics.

No one will fault Lebron for leaving Cleveland if he goes to a team built to win. The Bulls are that team. Derek Rose, Carlos Boozer, Lual Deng, Joakim Noah. There is a very real possibility of Ray Allen joining as well. That team is built not just for one title, but many. That team was built for Lebron. He steps in, keeps his King Dick status, and plays with the best teammates of his career.

It would be hard to fault Lebron if he goes to New York. Here is the franchise the plays in the most famous arena in the world, in the most famous city in the world. Here is a franchise that has been in complete shambles since I entered puberty. Also, this is a franchise that has been preparing to lure the King to the Empire for 3 years, finishing year after year with terrible records. Waiting…

It’s the only reason the Knicks fans haven’t lit MSG on fire yet. They have been promised Lebron. If they do get him, and he turns the Knicks into a winner, he becomes immortalized. He becomes the biggest athlete, in the biggest city in the world. It would make his brand (which next to loyalty is the most talked about desire of Lebrons. Is to build a global "Brand") as great as it possibly could.

If Lebron stayed in Cleveland, it would be most honorable. It’s long been written that he values loyalty. Cleveland is the team that drafted him. Ohio is the state he grew up. He says loyalty is important? Well, buddy, now is the time to prove it.If you value loyalty, than you should live and die with the Cav’s.

For seven years, they have tailored their team to your wishes. They made the moves to try and make you happy. Since they drafted you first in 2003, you have truly been their king. They just fired their GM and Coach after back to back 60 win season for you. Now you’re looking to leave the sports scorned state of Ohio (which you claim to love) high and dry? If you wanted to leave, you knew about it already. Your desire to play for Chicago, New York, New Jersey or Miami didn't just sneak up on you. If you wanted to leave, you should’ve told them your intentions, given them a chance to get something in return for you.You leaving Cleveland like you are is going to turn them from a 60 win title contender, to a 15 win Lottery lock.

If Lebron goes to Miami, well thats where I get a little lost. On paper, it looks great. Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and Lebron James. Three members of the 2008 Olympic team all playing together on South Beach. I talked to my buddy Rob today (who has picked Miami all along) and he brought up this point, "I don't think they'll be that good in real life, but can you imagine that team on NBA 2k11?" He's right. It would be devastating. You only need really two great players to be able to run anyone off the court on video games. Someone to play outside, someone to play inside. Those three give you three of the best video game talents out there.

But in real life they're going to be three players incredible players, with incredible contracts and incredible egos playing with nine players who are playing for the league minimum. Is that really a formula for success?

Also, as pointed out by ESPN's Sportsguy this morning, is Lebron really willing to give up his big dick status and play Scottie to Wades' Michael?(if you think Wade is taking a back seat to Lebron in the city he has played his whole career for and won a title in, you are high). Wade is the king of South Beach, Lebron is the two time defending MVP of the League. Is Lebron really able to pack up his stuff and go play for Wades team? If Lebron is signs with Miami he is simultaneously announcing that he is a vag and doesn't have what it takes to lead a team to a championship.

Even in the unlikely scenario that him and Wade blend flawlessly with one another, forming a super democracy of untamed basketball ability, he sure wouldn't deserve the title of King (which has been his nickname since High School). A king is the alpha male, not the side kick. A king is the end all, be all. Not just another guy with a vote. A king doesn't leave his kingdom to share the power. A king stands on his own, inspires the people he leads, and cuts the head off of anyone who dare challenge his thrown.

I don't have a problem with Wade and James being friends off the court. In fact, I think it's cool. But when they step on the hardwood, and that ball goes up in the air for the first time, I want that friendship to be forgotten. I want them to go to war, with the winner holding his severing his opponents head and tomahawking for emphasis.

It comes down to this. Lebron, if you care about winning, and only winning- go to Chicago (If you go there, you better make sure you win. Because if you go there and win anything less then 6 rings, you are a failure). If you care about your brand, and growing said brand to limitless heights, go win a title in New York. If you care about becoming a legend among the people you have grown up with, and the people who have supported you your entire basketball career to this point, if you truly deserve the title of King, stay in Cleveland. Win a title for Ohio, and prove God doesn't hate Cleveland. Now THAT is a task befitting of a king.

If this doesn't matter to you, and you want to team up with your competition, make ass tons of money(but still less then you would make in Cleveland) and party on South Beach all year long (when you probably shouldn't be doing it during the season anyway, so thats not a valid arguement. Go there during the offseason if you want to be the life of the party), then go to Miami. Transform yourself into Scottie Pippen 2.0. But stop talking about loyalty and the development of your brand.

Because lets face it, then 2nd fiddle doesn't become the icon. In Miami, you are the second fiddle. Not because you aren't as good (Lord know's you are better). Not because Wade will last longer ( with Wades age and his past injuries, he might not last too much longer). But because Wade was there first. He is Christopher Columbus, you would be small pox.

You need any more help making this decision? Ask Scottie how is brand is doing.