Dropping a Deuce at school or work

Let me paint a picture for you:

It's 9:13 am, and I am in the handicap stall with my legs spread out, laptop on my bare knee, taking a shit that is going to result in me being tracked by the government from now on for possible terrorist connections. Believe me, it's putrid.

But how awesome is America and technology where I can experience this joy on an almost daily basis. I am cleaning out my colon, while peacefully reading twitter updates. As long as I can do that-the terrorists will never win.

Same thing with doing it at work. I make it a point to take time out of my work day (an unplanned break of course) to go in the bathroom and grow a tail. I get paid to get called a "piece of shit" all day, so why not get paid to make a "piece of shit"? It's the biggest no brainer, ever.

I wish I could take a picture of how much room the handicap really have in here. Do they need chaperones to come poop? Thats the only explanation for having THIS much room. While the poor schmuck in the next stall has to practically stand up while squeezing one out just to fit.

I don't go out of my way to shit in the handicap stall. There was just someone else in the other one. But I'm glad I did. This is luxury. This must be what Peter Griffin felt like when he discovered the executive bathroom.

Alright I'm gonna go. I gotta put my laptop down to wipe.

PS. I wrote about this phenomenon once on my Myspace blog. If you feel like reading more of my thoughts about shitting while having a laptop feel free to snoop around. I'll even provide a link

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=380162430&blogId=447219185

Week 6 thoughts

Despite the fact that I was supposed to be at work at 8:30 this morning, I woke up with a little bit of a pep in my step. Wanna knowh why?

You sure?

Ok...it's be cause THE "BIG SEXUAL ASSAULTER" Ben Roethlisberger is back! Thats right baby! Fathers, lock away your daughters. Ladies, stay out of bar bathrooms. Big Ben is free from the shackles of suspension and ready to run wild all over Clevelands collective bitch ass.

And yes, my excitement is fantasy related. It's sure not because I enjoy Roethlisberger as a human, nor do I like the Steelers. My fantasy team just happens to be heavily involved in the Steeler organization.

So here is to thinking happy thoughts about this douche bag as he is throwing touchdowns for my team this week.

• As soon as Vick returns, I'll be starting three guys who have had atleast 4 week suspensions in the Roger Goodell era. I may change my team name to Goodells Doghouse.
• Marshawn Lynch makes his debut for the Seattle today. Hopefully he is able to create holes... 'cuz the offensive line sure isn't doing it.
• Brett Favres penis pictures once again prove my point that old people should be trusted with technology.
• Thoughts on the Branch trade: Cool dude, hope he does well in New England. But I'm sure glad I don't have to hold my breath everytime he runs a route thinking something on him is about to break anymore.

Alright, time to go back to work, ya know cuz I don't want to get fired.

100

ClinicallyAwesome is dropping post 1-0-0 right now. Thats pretty cool right?

I've been thinking about this moment for awhile now. I knew it was coming, eventually. After every post, I look over in the archieve just to make sure I haven't pased it yet.

Simply put, I was very mindful of the benchmark. However, here I am at entry number 100, and I don't have dick to say.

At least nothing awesome.

My life has been reduced to a caffeine addiction and perpetual exhausted pissy-ness due to the school-work-homework daily grind. I'm not joking about the addiction either, I was drinking Rockstar Fruit Punch so frequently my body literally shut down for a day. I couldn't steady my hands enough to type. It was intense.

But thats what I got now. I don't have time to go drinking as much. Sure I'll have a beer here and there, but gone are the wild nights, and mornings of shame (we can also thank the domestication of boyfriendhood for that as well).

Truth be told, I haven't had a regretful hangover since July. But that night was awesome.

It started off as a casual beer pong night. The Girlfriend and I had just gotten back together, and wanted to spend time with some of our friends. Multiple losing efforts of beer pong later, I was shit faced and tired of losing.

So I tried distracting my friends the best way I knew how.... by showing my ball sack (if memory serves me correct, I as performing the bat wing. If you are unaware of the bat wing, please view the movie "Waiting..." for reference). Despite my ball sacks interference, I racked up another loss.

The Girlfriend and I demanded a rematch with Dane and Huber (who were basically the last men standing at this point... every one else had passed out or gone home). This time, I was going to pull out all the stops. I stretched out, and focused my drunk mind. I was searching for the special place.

I was looking for my Jordan Zone.

Before the game began, I had a revelation. I knew what must be done to put myself over the top and guarantee a victory. I got completely naked. Un-tamed, Macy Grey mug shot looking bush be damned. I went full Monty to distract my competition.

Though we still lost, I woke up with a very valuable lesson learned that night. Drunken competitiveness is a mother fucker.

I wish I would've told that story when it actually happened. Maybe the details wouldn't have been so fuzzy.

But thats been it for the booze stories since then. School and work make it impossible for me to get too crazy. I wish I did though, I mean this is blog 100! I need something to talk about.

I wish I had a rant about the Blazers ( though Greg Odens knee is really starting to get my face hot), but I actually have a positive outlook on them heading into the season. Not that I don't have a positive outlook every season, but there is something about the way that team handles on NBA 2k11 that has me just straight giddy for October 26th.

I guess we could just look at the awesomeness that is the number 100. I mean who sticks to something they don't get paid to do that long anyway? I tried to record a rap album once. Actually I've tried multiple times. I got like two songs in and shelved it. I could've been the next 2pac, but we'll never find out because that takes time and I got shit to do.

I started this blog while I was trying to make living in California work. I went down there with barely enough money to buy a flat screen tv, let alone money for living. That idea ( like the rap album) got shelved. However the blog keep firing away. The original idea for it was just to tell stories of alcohol induced mischief and other embarrassing (and possibly incriminating) tales. I believe this was around the time I was introduced to Tucker Max... so that makes sense.

As the drinking stories tank has dried up, the sports rants have been coming frequently. I had a very productive summer at formulating my ideas into my writing. We can probably thank LeBron for that.

The point I'm trying to make is, I'm proud of this thing. Despite the fact that only like 10 people read it, I'm proud of it. I literally have to put a gun to my brothers head to get him to come here... and he spends A LOT of time on the internet. Just sitting there.

But I've stuck to something that rarely shows any reward (thats a lie, any time someone says 'read your blog dude, good stuff' I get embarrassingly wet in my pants), and I'm gonna continue until I find a way to get paid to do this. Thats my promise. If a guy like Tucker Max can get paid to write that bull shit, I can find a way too. It's my American Dream.

So with that, Clinically Awesome has it's 100 post.

Suck on that, Chamberlin.

Week 5

I felt the need to post this just for my future enjoyment. Today I started Shaun Hill and only Shaun Hill at quarterback for my ESPN league (we typically start 2 quarterbacks).

I was doing this party out of protest, and partly because I was THAT confident in my team.

While I was waiting for kick off, I decided to inform the rest of my league that my one quarterback line up was a decision I made, and not neglegent management.

Here is the post I wrote:

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN REPORTING BELVIN TO START 1 QB

10-10-10, a day that will happen once a century, the Belvin Cup Dynasty (3-1) is going to attempt to do something less likely- win with one starting Quarterback.

"It's a move we've been thinking about all week, since we got the news on Mike" B.C.D owner Andrew Belvin said in a press conference earlier this week. "It started as a joke, but after Lampe dicked us with his Waiver priority... well, it be came a little more serious."

The issue came after fantasy feel good story Michael Vick went down week 4, injuring his ribs. With Ben Rothlisburger not set to make his return from suspension until week 6, Belvin had to make roster decisions for his second starting quarterback position. Naturally, Kevin Kolb was a natural decision for a pick up.

Owner of Team Alpha, Cory Lampe, had other ideas.

Lampe(2-2), who recently made news by having a bench that completely outplayed his starters, decided that he would use his waiver wire position to pick up Kolb, despite having 4 playing quarterbacks already on the roster.

"He (Lampe) did it because he thought it would force someone’s hand." A league source said when asked about the logic behind picking up a 5th quarterback. It's no secret Lampe, who is legendary at offering vomit inducing trades, has been searching for the pieces to recover from another awful draft.

Reportedly, Lampe had been trying to get Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw from the Cup Dynasty but hasn’t been willing to offer anything worth taking a look at. By taking the position with Kolb, Lampe was hoping to finally get Belvin to agree to one of his ridiculous trades. No representative from Team Alpha was available for comment.

“American doesn’t negotiate with terrorist. So why the (expletive delete) would I?” Belvin said when asked why he didn’t just make the trade with Lampe. “Lampe offered me a trade everyday for Bradshaw. I told him I would rather start one quarterback then make a trade with him.”

And that seems to be exactly what he is doing. Not wanting to make team crippling decisions with Rothlisburgers return looming. Still, even though he looks to start one quarterback during this weeks matchup against Dutch Master (1-3), Belvin remains confident in his team.

“Last year we were ‘2 Belvins 1 cup’; I guess on Sunday we’ll be ‘1 Belvin 1 quarterback’.”

Greg Giraldo

Next week, to the day, I was supposed to be see one of my favorite comedians perform at the new club, Helium, in downtown Portland. Sadly, thats not going to happen.

Greg Giraldo, the Comedy Central Roast veteran, passed away today.

Not to take away from any other death- but Giraldo was a very funny man and consistantly the brightest star of any of the Comedy Central Roasts. Shit, he is one of the main reasons I tuned into both season of Lewis Blacks "Root of All Evil."

Since I won't be able to see him like I had planned, I'm going to list some of his funniest roast quotes on here. If you don't know the dude, youtube his work. He is a LEGEND with the insults.

So, in honor of the fallen funny man, here are some funny things the man has said:

• To Ice T: "you fuckin’ fossil. You’re so old, the first thing you bought with your record deal money was your freedom. On your first album, the ‘n-word’ was ‘negro.'"
• Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton."
• To Michael Moore: "If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds"
• TO Kathy Griffin: You’ve been stitched up thousands of times but you’re still sad to look at. You’re like the AIDS quilt."
• To Joan Rivers:"You are one irritating Jew broad...first time I heard your voice my foreskin fell off."
• To Gilbert Godfried: "Gilbert is famously cheap. I’m impressed you’re here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You’re like David Carradine"
• To Seth Macfarlane: ”You made all your money because you created a f*cked up, criminal baby. You’re like Michael Lohan.”
• Said to Greg, from Laurie Kilmartin : " Greg, you self hating husband. I've never heard anyone hate his wife like Greg hates his. The only reason Greg Keeps getting her pregnant is he's hoping she'll die during child birth."

Funny shit. Funny dude. I'll always wish I got to see him live.

Rest in Peace, Greg.

The Untitled Rant about Why I Do Not Like Adrian Beltre

I shouldn't be writing on here right now. I'm burried up to my neck in shit right now. I'm supposed to be working on homework right now. Ass tons of reading, two essays and two presentations are come due soon. But I can not let this slide.

Today, Rob Neyer (baseball Analyst for ESPN) ruined my day. I'm sure he didn't mean to, but nevertheless, the mother fucker did it. Today he publicly put Adrian Beltre's name in the MVP discussion.

Granted, he didn't say "Adrian Beltre should be MVP," but he might as well have. All he was saying is that Beltre belongs in the discussion, which was more then enough to light a fire under my ass. That is that sensitive of a subject. He might as well have said Brandon Roy was gay.

Now Adrian Beltre might be a good person. He might be the male version of mother Teresa. I have never heard a bad story about the man. That being said, I do not like him. Few professional athletes have caused me to swear at the TV as much as Adrian Beltre did during his tenure for the Seattle Mariners.

For those of you who need a reminder of why I hate Adrian Beltre, alow me to catch you up to speed. Adrian Beltre was a promising young third basemen who came up in the Dodgers organization. In 2004 at age 25, he was second in the NL MVP voting by playing solid 3rd base, and leading the Dodgers to a division title with a .334 average, 48 home runs and 121 RBI's.

That winter, he told the world he was taking his talents to the Puget Sound to play for the Seattle Mariners. To this day, it remains the most exciting free agent signing any of my teams have made.

However, over the next 5 years (at an age when players are their most productive), Adrian Beltre delivered a production level on par with a shit sandwhich. He never hit .300. He never hit 30 home runs. And he never topped 100 RBI's. The Mariners who won 90 games the year before we signed him, never sniffed the playoffs with him in uniform.

Now there are Adrian Beltre apologists who say "Stop complaining! He gave you gold glove defense." Fuck you. We aren't talking about a David Bell, who made about 1 mill a year. We are talking about a player who was paid to come in and save an anemic offense. We were only two seasons removed from a defense who had set a then record for best fielding percentage ever(2001, look it up). We needed a bat. Improving the defense was not a high priority.

Adrian was paid to anchor a batting order. He was supposed to be the power hitter we had been lacking since A-Rod left and Edgar retired, and Boone's body mysteriously broke down. We paid him handsomely to do so. He recieved an average of 12.9 million dollars per season just to put lumber on a ball. Obvioulsy with that money we would hope he would continue our new tradition of good defense, but the power is what he was being brough it on for. Apparently that message got jumbled up. Because while he developed into a spectacular fielder (2 gold gloves as a Mariner), his offense often left something to be desired.

The only thing Beltre was better at than fielding ground balls was hitting them. What a douche.

Mercifully, his contracted ended last. Adrian Beltre took his monsterous (and un powerful) forearms, his crappy batting average and his glove, and shipped off to Boston over the winter. Not one single Mariner fan gave it a second thought. We signed another good fielding 3rd baseman (Chone Figgins) for half the price and that was that.

Although it did become a joke among my friends that he was going to remember how to hit this seasons so he could get a big pay day again next year.

Sadly, Figgins sucked and Beltre found his power stroke tucked away in the back of his closet. All season he has been paying homage to his 2004 campaign, hitting the shit out of the ball again. I had him on my fantasy baseball team, and everytime he hit a home run it felt like a cock punch. I should've been happy- he was producing for my fantasy team. But after every good game I found myself thinking "oh now he hits the ball."As of right now he leads the league in doubles and looks like he will have his first 30 hr, 100 rbi, and .300 average since he left LA.

Here is my nightmare scenerio:

Boston is currently 6.5 games out of the wild card with 11 games to go. They would need a mircile to somehow back into the post season. But for arguements sake, lets say they do. Lets say Boston goes ape shit for the last 11 games, led by an onslaught from Adrian Beltre, they find a way to pass Tampa Bay for the Wild Card.

Now because Josh Hamilton injured his ribs, the MVP debate has reopened for the first time since June. If Adrian Beltre were to help lead Boston's miricle comeback with a .300/30/100, he would quite possibly step in and become the favorite for MVP.

(Also helping his cause would be the piece Rob Neyer undoubtably has ready to run in case this scenereo takes place- bringing up the fact that Adrian Beltre was robbed in 2004 by Barry Bonds. And since the Baseball writers (and the world) hate Barry Bonds, this would sway sympathy votes from on the fence voters)

Again this is a nightmare scenerio. Josh Hamiltons numbers are the stuff legends are made of. But as long as the Sox have life and Hamiltons ribs keep him out of the line up-it remains possible.

It has been hard enough watching the Mariners this season. They're offense is bad beyond description. With two weeks left they have a .238 team average and have scored 2 or less runs in game 68 times. They are averaging almost a run and half per game under the American league average. You can almost guarentee they be losing 100 games this season (only 7 more losses).

This sucks. Next year doesn't look any better. Please, please, please Boston, just roll over and eliminate yourself. I cannot bare the idea of this season being capped off with an Adrian Beltre MVP.

I will now cut my ear off and give it to a whore.

Status Update: Week1

Week 1 is barely through the first wave of games and I'm already an emotional wreck. I'm sweating profusly and my legs won't stop moving. The combonation of Fantasy Football, crappy sleep, and caffiene have me more damaged the Ben Rothlisburgers last date. Currently, I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, and I've had enough rockstar not only to fail my kidneys but could finally kill Keith Richards.

If this is any early implication on how this season is going to go, Fantasy Football is going to ruin my life.

• I will make it my lifes work to ensure Chris Johnson remains on my fantasy teams. Forever.
• Fuck Arian Foster, Dallas Clark and Hakeem Nicks. Unless I get superhuman performances from my afternoon team... those three are going to be responsible for the ass beating I recieved.
• Mike Tomlin in Aviators looks like an extra from Black Dynamite.
• Really nervous about the start of the Pete Carroll era this week. I tried to get my friends to give me some hope but the only response I got to the question (someone make me feel good about the up coming season) was "Jake locker".
• Really funny bit on ESPN's pre game about how Wes Welker sold his soul to the Devil to cut his recovery time in half. Then he promptly scored 2 touchdowns. Yes, he is on one of my Fantasy teams.
• That Calvin Johnson catch was just that- a catch. If you think otherwise, you are wrong. If I were him I would just hold on to the ball till he goes home after his next touchdown.

Damnit, the Seahawks turned the ball over on the first play of the game. I hadn't even switched to the game yet. I'm going to go prepare for what could be a very, very long season.