Car Wreck: 2011 is over

Two weeks ago I began writing a 'half season review' for the Mariners. It started out a little somber because the Mariners had lost 5 in a row, and were heading into the All Star break 5 games under .500. Still for this team to be 43-48 heading into the break (especially when you consider how bad they had been offensively) didn't seem like much of a bad thing, and the tone of what I was writing was going to be overall optimistic.

But life happend and in typical fashion, I got distracted and put off the writing. Before I knew it, the second half of the season had started and by the end of the week the losing streak had been extended to 7 games.

Edit Note: I was at Texas game on the 14th for my Bachelor Party. I was shit faced and had two of my least favorite athletes of all time- Adrian Beltre and Chone Figgins- playing right in front of me. That night, we made Derek Holland (who I was calling Dexter, confusing him with the lead singer of The Offspring) look like he had a first class plane ticket straight to Cooperstown. He retired the first 15 batters of the game, forcing the 20 people in attendence to heavily contemplate rioting if we got Perfect Game'd. We ended up getting blanked by the kid, losing 5-0. This was their 6 straight loss.

So I thought to myself,"Screw it, I'll just wait till they win and write about how they need a bat." and with that I started to play the waiting game. 9 days later, I'm stil waiting.

The 2011 Seattle Mariners, who on June 19th were 2 games above .500, are currently the shamed owners of a 14 game losing streak, and threatening to not win another game till April 2012(that might be a little harsh, but with one more game against Boston, then a 3 game set in the Bronx, we could seriously be looking at a 18 game losing streak).

All I can say is: thankfully they managed to stay relevent untill the NFL figured their stuff out (ESPN reporting that we'll have a deal early next week). Unfortunately, they are declaired dead and we still have to watch them for 2 months. This could get ugly.

Punk vs Cena: What should happen

Go back in time right now, one year ago today if you need a date, and ask me if I would ever think heading into a John Cena match I wouldn't be 100% positive of an outcome. I would've told you cutting my toe nails was more unpredictible. But here we are, July 16th 2011, and it's about to happen for the 2nd time in the last 6 months. His Wrestlemania match with Miz and tomorrows Money In The Bank match against the Straight Edge Savant, CM Punk.

When this storyline began a month ago, I would've put money that Punk was going to get the upper hand on Cena for the next four episodes of Raw, then lose in what was reportidly to be his last match in the WWE before his contract expired.

But then CM Punk grabbed a mic, took a seat and calmly reminded everyone that this is professional wrestling- and we as fans really don't know shit.

Fan's in today's world (and I'm no different) think that we know whats going on. We read something like 'CM Punk's contract has expired and is leaving' and we think it's set it stone. Nevermind that there was no source attributed to it. Remember, the WWE is a business and what is true yesterday might not be true tomorrow. After his rant, Punk went from 'Great Heel' to ' Fire Shooting Out of His Ass Hot.'

Don't believe me? CM Punk was talked about by Jim Rome and Collin Cowheard. As a regular listener to both radio shows, I can tell you that Raw isn't scheduled on their DVR. He has been the subject of two Grantland pieces (an Entertainment/Sports Editorial site produced by Bill Simmons and ESPN). The last two Pro-Wreslting mentions I can remember on ESPN were Macho Man's death and the Chris Benoit Murder/Suicide. Do you see the trend? He recently got interviewed by GQ. Go ahead and Google GQ's article on HHH- it doesn't exsist. It's not unreasonible to think 3 months ago Vince McMahon didn't see CM Punk as a top draw- I would assume thats not the case now.

Now D Day is upon us. Tomorrow night WWE will produce it's monthly Pay Per View, "Money in the Bank" which is named after two gimmick ladder matches that will give each winner a World Title match at a time of their choosing. But while the pay per view is named after the midcard matches, the focus will be on the Mainevent. WWE Champion John Cena vs CM Punk.

I can see this match going one of 800 different ways. All of them end in a wild, next day water cooler conversation starting ways.

This is how I would do the match: (edit note: This is under the context that CM Punk has signed a contract)

Now what you got to realize is that despite being booked as a Heel for over two years now, Punk is going to get cheered. It's in Chicago, a historically hot crowd and it happens to be Punk's hometown. John Cena, who is typically hated by 'smart' wrestling crowds is going to get booed like Iron Sheik in the 80's. Prepare for Punk to get a heroes welcome.

Being that this match will be in Chicago and despite the fact that Punk is techniqually the heel, I don't see any devious actions from him. I don't see Nexus getting involved in this match. That being said, This match is going to start off slow. Like very slow. It'll pick up physically once it hits the outside of the ring to the point that once they come back in the ring, they're really going to be putting the violence on thick.

I orginally had an idea where Punk reverses the 'you can't see me (Cena's bull shit version of the Peoples Elbow)' and puts him in the Anaconda Vice. But Cena isn't tapping. Ever. So I had to scrap that.

Then it dawned on me, that this match has had an Attitude Era build up to it. So why not make it an Attitude era finish? With that in mind, I see when the match seemes to be wrapping up, I see Vince McMahon getting involved to help Cena (turning the Chicago crowd into riot levels of hostile). Keeping with the Attitude Era hommage, I see his 'yes men' getting involved. Instead of Patterson and Briscoe, it'll be Johnny Ace and Dean Malenko. They're going to get their shit splattered with a chair. I see about nine refs getting knocked the fuck out.

Most importantly, I see CM Punk winning the title. Since it will be despite numerous attempts to the contrary by Vince McMahon, that place is going to melt down.

Punk then grabs the mic, and begins to tell Vince to 'fuck off'. It flips to a side by side screen with the locker room, where it shows Stephanie McMahon telling both Money in the Bank winners they need to go cash their case in. For arguments sake, lets say it's Alberto Del Rio and Wade Barrett who both agree's and head to the ring. Barrett comes out first, and as soon as he slides into the ring, Punk makes him eat a chair shot. Barrett down for the 1-2-3.


Que Del Rio's music. Punk squares up and waits for him to come out, but Del Rio sneaks in from the crowd. He uses the MitB case to take out the new champion. He cashes in and goes for the pin. As the ref slides to make the count, we have a flood of WWE controlled indi-wrestlers hit the ring. I'm talking guys like Luke Gallows, Tyler Black, even Colt Cabanna come in and make the save. Del Rio gets distracted, giving Punk enough time to get to his feet and hit the GTS on Del Rio for his third win of the night.

The final shot of the PPV is one of Punk holding the title up over his head proudly, and Vince McMahon walking back up the ramp screaming something like 'it's not over'. Thus bringing to an end a wild PPV and completing CM Punk's transformation from Heel to the most over babyface of the last decade.

Chocolate Cookies 'n' cream:

I remember her vividly. I met her as a teenager, over a summer break. She had smooth, delicious brown skin. From the moment my mother introduced us, I didn't just want to know her- I wanted to consume her.

I remember that first night like it was last night. We stayed up late with my family telling stories and watching movies. She fit right in like she had been there for years. It was her first night with any of us and she wasn't just welcome in our house, she belonged.

Eventually, everyone else went to sleep. Leaving me and this luscious bodied beauty to get to know each other- more intimately. That night I introduced myself to her form, and devoured her body. I may have been left full that night, but my craving for her could never be satisfied.

Her one night appearance in the summer made her like one of those teenaged love clichés. Like we were a modern day Grease. She was my chocolate skinned Sandy and I was her Danny, the bad boy from the other side of the tracks.

The next day came and she was gone. She had vanished as quickly as our love connection was made. And I was devastated. Despite my best efforts of internet stalking, I always failed at trying to track her down.

I ran into her once years later briefly at a Baskin n Robbins. We were in another town and I was older, (probably seeing someone at the time), but our chemistry was still there. She had this undeniable power to alter my mood. Like a drug. Once again she had me hook, line and sinker. She had to have felt the same way; it was like we hadn't been a part for even a minute. Somehow, I was unable to get her phone number and just like that she was gone again.


Fast forward to last night, 18 days until my wedding and my chocolate skinned princess happened back into my life. My brother escorted her into my living room, while I sat there with my child and fiance. I stared blankly back at her, while I flashed back to our night of passion nearly a decade prior. I politely made small talk with her, while trying to conceal the nuclear levels of animalistic lust that was raging through my body. She began to flirt with me, subtly, while my fiancé sat next to me. My mouth began to water, my knees started to shake. The Lord is testing me, the Devil is tempting me, I kept thinking.

Deep into the night, it became too much and I gave into the desires that the body of this temptress created. My brother had a turn too. My fiancé, who was putting our daughter to sleep when I finally gave in, emerged from the bed room and saw evidence of adultery all stained on my face. I thought she was going to get mad, instead she joined in. All three of us devoured her like Vampires over a juicy vain and spent the rest of the night reveling in her excessive sexuality and enjoying what could only be described as ultimate ecstasy.

This morning, I ran out of my room to notice she was gone again. My heart, again, shattered into pieces. I allowed her to come back into my life and leave me broken again.

Fuck you, Chocolate Oreo Ice Cream.

Welcome to the Show, Kyle Seager

After tonights offensive apocalypse, Eric Wedge walked into the club house tonight to address his heartbroken squad. "Team, that was a rough one." he said, stroking his awesome mustache. "that kid out there had his shit going. There were times tonight when I found myself praying for the rapture because of how ineffective we were. Against that KID." Wedge made a point to emphasise the fact that he kept calling him "that kid" because he legitimetly didn't know what the fuck his name was and was embarrassed that his squad made him look like Greg Maddox.

(editors note: his name is Guillermo Moscoso (I had to look it up on ESPN), a 27 year old righty who had made 19 career appearences before tonights start. Truth be told, his season stats paint a picture of a possible top prospect (50 innings pitched 2.16 era). His age being 27, however seems to disagree adamently witht that point. Regardless, all signs point to the Mariners just got the salad tossed for the second time this week by a shitty spot starter. Sweet. Now, return to my story.)

Wedge took a moment to evaluate the mood over the team as a whole. The team was somber. They looked collectively as if they were but a little boy who had watched his treasured puppy get sodimized by their mean, drunken uncle. Which in reality, getting shut out by the shitty Oakland Athletics is absolutely in the same ball park. "I'm sure we'll get them back tomorrow."

Just then, as if he was waiting to piggy back Wedge's brief 'get em next time' speach, and to use it to segway his entrance, a noticibly drunk Jack Zduriencik stumbled into the lockroom and over to where Wedge was speaking. His bald head and cheeks were as red as the ink on Frank McCourts bank ledger. He awkwardly put his arm around Wedge, and whispered into his face. Not his ear, but his whole face. An expression of repulsion over took Wedge, who apparently doesn't appreciate the smell of whiskey sours on the breath of someone taking up his personal space.

The players sat in silence as Jack Z and Eric had a private conversation right in front of them. After a few moments, Jack stepped away from his uncomfortably close postion in front of Wedge, and walked away.

"Well, that was interesting. " Wedge started, again addressing his players. " Z just informed me that starting tomorrow we will have a new teammate. Kyle Seager will be joining us from Tacoma." Dustin Ackely fist pumped to the news, while the rest of the team just returned a blank, confused stare.

"Oh you guys remember him, he's an infielder and was in Spring Training with us for a cup of coffee. We sent him to Jacksonville where he pillaged the pitchers enough that we recently promoted him to Tacoma. Long story short, the kid will be here tomorrow." The revelation of the kids defensive skill set was all the team needed to know, to understand the promotion. Wedge then confirmed their suspicions by saying, "Z says, 'He'll be playing 3rd for the foreseeable future'. "

23 of the other players joined Ackley in celebrating the former 3rd round draft choice from 2009, even Jose Yepez, the catcher who would eventually find out it was his demotion that would make room for Seagers arrival. This Mariners, a team who has struggle so mightily offensively this year ( in particular at the 3rd Base position) that it seemed like an answered prayer at long last when they were reminded Kyle Seager is a 3rd baseman. Everyone was happy, except one.

Off in a secluded corner of Oaklands visitors club house, sat a half naked Chone Figgins. He knew what this meant for him. His abismal play had been a constant hot button subject in the Seattle media, and he knew that Seagers arrival meant that his .186 season average had finally out weighed that abortion of a 9.5 million dollar contract that kept him in the lineup.

It wasn't long before the rest of the team was dressed and exited the locker room. Chone Figgins, who once was good enough to start for a World Series Championship team, still sat in his little corner. Most of the lights had since been turned off, except for one by the exit and the one in the managers office where Eric Wedge still occupied. No one had said anything directly to him since the news, but he was pretty sure he over heard Felix Hernandez and Doug Fister talk about how big of a fag he was as they walked passed.

The more he thought about it the more it made him want to cry. He thought he could just go through the motions and collect a paycheck and everything would have been good. He might've been right if the Mariners pitchers didn't pitch like the lives of their families depended on it every night. Close, competative games magnify every little thing about how a team opperates. In Chone's case, batting .189 is normally bad, but since the M's are in just about every game, it feels like he is batting .025. He could feel the tears starting to stream down his face. Like a selfish child deciding he wanted to play with a toy only after seeing another kid play with it.

"Chone, you're still here?" Eric said, walking out of his office.

"Coach, I gotta talk to you. I feel like I can still contrib-" Eric held up his hand stopping Chone mid sentence.

"Chone, stop right there. I gotta tell you, with out a doubt, you are the worst baseball player I have ever coached. And I've been on two different teams with Milton Bradley." Chone was shocked. He has heard some evil things from fan's and the media about his play over the last two years, but nothing from a coach. Nothing that hurt quite like that. " You make what, 9 this season?"

Chone nodded. " Wow. That's alot. In my mind, thats robbery. You are getting paid more money then Miguel (Olivo) Justin (Vargas) Adam (Kennedy) Justin (Smoak) and Brandon (League) combined. Yet, instead of feeling like you owe the city and franchise something- ANYTHING- for giving you that undeserved contract, you found a way to not only give NOTHING, but take things away too."

Chone began to sob uncontrolably. The kind of crying where he can't catch his breath. " Stop. Stop crying right now. You look like a little bitch. Look Chone, I'm going to be honest here. I was so excited when Jack told me that, that... I can't even find the words. I was so happy that when I went into my office, first thing I did was I called up my wife and had phone sex with her. PHONE SEX! AT MY AGE! Can you fucking believe it?!? I haven't ejaculated like that since I was in my 20's. So I guess you did that for me."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, bring a book tomorrow. You have a better chance at making the Hall of Fame then seeing any playing time tomorrow." And with that, Wedge put his coat on and exited the locker room.

Mariner's June in review: As Explored Through Facebook

If you are lucky enough to follow my twitter or have me as a facebook friend you no doubt have learned two truths since: 1, I am passionate about my sports and 2, I am a funny sumbitch.

Most of my social networking entries tend to follow the same themes that my blog does. Sports and poop. Unfortunately, because I am in face a whore for Social Networking via Facebook and Twitter most of my good sports related anecdotes get used up on there instead of my blog (it also might have something to do with the amount of traffic my facebook has compared to this awesome piece of blog).

So why is this relevent? Well good question, loyal reader. This month I'm going to try something different while writing about the Cardiac kids (my current nickname for this bunch of Mariners, who insist on making the game of baseball look fucking impossible). Instead of writing another long winded rant tailored around Felix's brilliance, my new love for Dustin Ackley and Chone Figgin's continued quest to shit all over my mood every day- I have decided to recycle all my updates (and some tweets) to explore the Mariners and their exploits over the last couple of weeks.

I think they do a good job at recapping the month and believe they are funny enough to deserve recognition.

(And really, how many more times can I write about Felix kicking ass and Chone Figgins sucking balls?)With out futher ado, here is the Status Update's for the Mariners in the month of June:

• June 3rd- wish they would start the Mariner game early. I'm ready.
  


• June 3rd- Smoak (Smoak Monster homered for the second time in as many nights- giving him 10 for the year).
  


• June 3rd- Listening to Jay Buhner speak of the younger Mariner hitters sounds like he thinks they are the second coming of the '27 Yankee's.
  


• June 4th- I'd like to take a moment to give Comcast the middle finger. This is for some reason you did not put the Mariner game on tv today. Look, I appreciate you looking out for my blood pressure, but if the Mariners are getting shut out, I'd like to have the option to turn it off in disgust. Thank you.
  


• June 5th- I hate Chone (at this point Chone Figgins is 2/15 for the month keeping consistant with his .163 for the previous two months combined).
  


• June 5th- FYI Mariner fans, the Halman train is leaving the station and I am your conductor.
  


• June 5th- Halman is a star( this came immediately after he roped a triple in his first game of the season).
  


• June 6th- Danny Hultzen, welcome (he was our first round draft choice).
  


• June 6th-Greg Halman is now 4/5 since being called up. That's two more hits the Chone has in three weeks in the last 24 hours.
  


• June 6th-Five for Six (in reference againt to Greg Halman).
  


• June 6th- 6 for 7. I can't wait till he uncorks the Thunder (Halman again).
  


• June 6th- My brother can bench Chone Figgins OBP. Thats good for Jesse, and not good for Mariner fans.
  


• June 7th- Chone Figgins has an OPS+ of 36, which is 5 points less then Mario Mendoza's (see phrase: Mendoza line)career mark. In related news, somehow he has a job.
  


• June 8th-oh good, Extra innings on the road (we ended up pouring 3 runs on in the extra frames for the 'W' against Chicago).
  


• June 8th- I'm so glad Carp is finally up ( Carp was finally called up after 22 game hit streak and 19 home runs in Tacoma. Edt note: my enthusiasm has since deminished).
  


• June 12th- I would absolutely google nude photos of Felix (Felix struck out 11 Tigers over 8 innings for a 7-3 win)
  


• June 15th - Chone has a three game hitting streak. I believe this was mentioned in Revelations.
  


• June 17th-Happy Dustin Ackley day.
  


• June 17th- Hopefully this is the first step that eventually leads to me deciding between world series tickets and mortgage payments (Dusty would single in his first at bat of his career-off to a good start)
  


• June 17th- Fuck you, Chone Figgins (0-4 against Roy Oswalt).
  


• June 18th-Desi Relaford holds the Mariners record for most consecutive multihit games with 8 (I actually thought I had a joke for that... sadly, I don't).
  


• June 19th-Mark Teixeira and Curtis Granderson have combined for 42 home runs already this season... The Seattle Mariners as a team have 47.
  


• June 21-Are we at the point yet where Miguel Olivio isn't allowed to take days off ?(this was in reference to Chris Gimmenz playing over it. Which shouldn't happen, ever. And I mean EVER.)
  


• June 21-Look, Tom Lampkin and John Marzano aren't walking through that door... (again, GIMMENEZ SHOULD NEVER PLAY)
  


• June 22- From now on if someone robs you of happiness, then you can say the following, "I just got chone'd." (0-4 with 2 k's in a 2-1 loss to Washington.)
  


• June 22-Websters dictionary defines "chone figgins" as: 1. Someone offering you 10 million dollars for free as you just look back at him blankly causing the individual who is offereing great discomfort till he changes his mind and walks away. 2. A Really Bad Baseball Player. 3. Peforming your absolute worst at something you are paid obscene amounts of money with only average expectations (adding to my previous point, he was 0 for his last 11 at that point).
  


• June 25th- It's been two games sine Ackley has had a base hit... anyone worried yet? Ya, me either ( he had 5 hits in his first seven games. Following his 2 hitless nights he would rattle off four hits over the next 2 games).
  


• June 27th- (in reference to Chone Figgins and Jack Cust)@lookoutlanding a man should never bat less than his weight. (Figgy's average is .186 at this point, and his official weight is 180- so he is safe. Cust not so much. He was at a .216 clip while posting a lofty 245 on the scale)
  


• June 28th-Meanest joke I have ever heard in regards to my Mariners, "starting at third base, Chone Figgins." (he went 0-3 again in a loss to the Braves, and mercifully was omitted from the lineup the following night. He would go 0 for his last 17 before getting his next hit)
  


• July 1st- Jack Cust is the Babe Ruth of walking with the bases loaded (6 Bases loaded walks for the season, tieing the franchise record).
  


• July 1st- I LOVE JASON VAGRAS ( Mr. Poker Face has 3 CG shut outs in his last 6 starts).
  


• July 2nd-When asked who he thought would be the ideal person to bat in the 2nd hole behind him, Jose Reyes jokingly responded, "Chone Figgins." Immidiately, the reporter who asked the question had a fatal heart attack. Saying Ch*ne Figg*ns is now being treated like saying 'Candyman' three times. Don't do it.

That was fun. And easy. I might have to do that again for July.

But before I go, here are two points that didn't get mentioned through a months worth of tweets and updates:I don't know how it happend, but somehow Eric Bedard wasn't mentioned on either Twitter or Facebook by me all month. Atleast on my Wall. However, this does not me the Canadian wasn't awesome. Over 32 innings (5 starts) the southpaw won 3 games and only gave up 8 total runs. Helluva June if you ask me. Too bad he ended the month on the 15 day DL.

Miguel Olivo, who I have already touched on the fact that is 800 times better than his replacement drilled a team high 8 home runs in June. In fact, his 8 Home Runs in June would be enough to make him second on the team in Home Runs for the season. Chew on that. Sadly, Olivo is also injured right now. Hopefully freshly promoted Josh Bard is better the Gimmenez (who I don't even want to spell his name right he is so bad).

An Idiots Guide to the NBA Lockout (2011)

A month ago, sports fans everywhere were wrapped up in what is widely considered to be the greatest two month stretch the NBA has produced in near two decades. During their seemingly endless playoff run, we saw multiple 20 point come backs, devistating 4th quarter collapses, and career altering performances (for example: see Zach Randolph transfromed from resident shit head to the perennial post player in the league). Both the Eastern and Western Conference Championships saw four teams with unqustioned star power and teams who had legitament chances of winning the title. Dirk Nowitzki, Kevin Durrant, Derek Rose, and The Miami NWO all came with in 8 wins of holding the O'Brien trophy.

We saw Derek Rose strap his team to his back and try and pull them into the finals. This is a method that had worked all season (leading to his MVP) but was derailed by a Heat team who seemingly had figured out finally who the hell they were. And they were scary.

The whole league thought they saw the end of competative ballance for the forseeable future during a two week stretch, in the Conference Semi's and Conference Finals, when we saw Lebron James decide he was going to become a transendant defender. Which he did, and everyone whitnessed in horror as he successfully erased Derek Rose from the Eastern Conference Finals.

Following the impressive performance by James, members of the media and retired great's like Scottie Pippen felt compelled to label him as the "Greatest Of All Time." Nevermind that he hasn't won the title yet. He just humilliated our MVP! The title is a given! 6 games, 4 losses, a public bitchout session from Dawayne Wade, and a Cris Angel like vanishing act- and Lebron has lost his G.O.A.T nomiation from the media (Pippen as well has since retracted but that might've been after Michael Jordan mailed him a severed horse head).

Finally, we saw Dirk tell everyone who called him soft (I'm guilty of this) over his career to "fuck off" in German. It was truly magical. Like the cheesiest possible ending to a Disney movie, where the grizzled vetrans ban together for one last chance at winning it all. It was a Wrestlemania-like ending, with good finally going over evil, and winning the World Title.

And after all that awesome, seriously 2 months of breath taking basketball... the NBA still took their ball and went home. Like a bunch of bitches.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend I know all the legal mumbo jumbo and all the petty issues both sides have during these negotiations, so I'll just relay what I know:

Since the CBA was ratified in 2005, NBA teams have been hemoraging money. This past season, 22 of the 30 franchises are rumored to have lost money. And unlike their NFL brethren, these franchises financial shortcommings are public knowledge. Commissioner David Stern has even reported that the Union has been presented with certified financial statements as well as tax returns confirming these losses. Its been reported that collectively, the teams have lost upwards of 300 million dollars last season (I've seen reported as high as 370 million).

The owners, who are obviously not in the business of losing money, initially proposed a hard salary cap system, reducing contract lengths and eliminating contract guarantees, as well as reducing player salary costs by about $750 million annually (boy, do I wish Latrell Sprewell were still in the league right now-he would be Chernobyl right now).

Right now the league splits the revenue at players recieving 57 percent annually. Players have proposed to drop it to 54 percent. The Players insist this would decrease salaries by 500 million. According to ESPN's Michael Wilbon, the Owners want it to be in the neighborhood of 60-40 in their favor (despite NBA.com reporting a proposed 50-50 split). I don't care much that the owners say they would allow for gradual change over a 10 year span and that they guarentee that league wide players sallaries would remain over 2 billion- That is a big fucking gap.

The players, who need to put food on the table for their kids (I'm so glad I managed to still fit that joke in) are not trying to just hand over that kind of chedder. In fact THEIR last proposal before the Lockout began had their salaries INCREASING by 7 percent by the sixth year of the 10 year agreement.

The players are also adamently against the idea of a 'hard cap'. The Owner's contend that a 'hard cap' will allow small city teams (Charolate, Memphis, New Orleans, Minnesota etc) or franchises with cheap ass owners (ie. Phoenix) to contend. The Players believe that a hard cap will elliminate the NBA's middle class paychecks.

Basically, if that were to happen it would create 2 tiers of players and huge pay differential between the superstars and the rest of the league. You can set the cap at wherever you want, but the Lebrons, Howards and the Carmello's are gonna still make their paper. It's Udonis Hasslem who will have to pass on a new Maybach. Personally, I cannot live in a world where NBA player has to subject himself to driving the same car twice in one week.

All that said, here is what I think:

13 years ago the NBA came within 24 hours of canceling a full season. I remember this vividly as the year I learned the rules of Sumo Wrestling and dove heavy into the WWE. Former Blazer Assistant GM Tom Penn said on PTI this week that he believes there is a 75 percent chance of a canceled season. Meaning it looks like I'm going to be watching alot of wrestling this winter.

Do I think they are going to cancel the full season? No. I don't. There is too much money on the plate and I don't think anyone wants to return the NBA to depths that it was after the last lockout. I'd say smart money is on season starting towards the end of January. Remember this, if the players don't play they don't get paid. Once players start missing paychecks we'll see how commited to the cause they will be.

Chris Paul can beat the 'players are better prepared this time around' drum all he wants, but child support is expensive; eventually these cats are gonna need some bi-weekly chedder.

I don't care who caves, just that someone does. They're both being ridiculous. Split the money 50-50, stay with the soft cap, but allow owners more lifelines from the evils of guarenteed contracts. Teams should not be held hostage by the Eddie Curry's and the Darius Miles' of the world. Players should be held accountable to live up to their contract, if the owner is going to be held accountable to pay the money. I'm looking at you Jerome James.

Players Union, Owners, it doesn't matter who but there needs to be a compromise, or someone needs to cave in. Just do whatever the hell it is that needs to get the players over entitled asses back on the courts and the Owners back in the luxury suites.

The NBA has ass loads of momentum following this years season. Please, please, please don't waste it.

CM PUNK: The New Piper, or man of the People?

Raw seemed to be wrapping up in typical fashion. John Cena had just cost himself a win over R Truth in a tables match by allowing himself to be distracted by the cunning CM Punk. Truth, who is riding the biggest push of his life, takes advantage and spears Cena through a table (it was a tables match after all). Another win by a superstar trying to make something out of himself, only it means nothing because it had to come with a catch. The matches gimmick may change, but the outcome stays the same. Another Business as Usual Raw.

With only 5 minutes remaining on Raw, that was about to change. CM Punk left the ring side area, walked to the top of the entrance ramp, and took a seat. And then he proceeded to throw a monkey wrench into the 'business as usual' machine's gears.

While Cena remained on the mat in the ring, selling the effects of the match's finish, Punk took his seat (criss cross apple sauce) at the top of the ramp and began to do what he does best: He started to talk.

I'm going to take a break right there because I know alot of you who are reading this are saying things like 'What are you talking about?' 'Why are you talking about wrestling?' and most importantly for the scope of the rest of the post, ‘Who the fuck is CM Punk?'

Here is what you need to know about CM Punk: He lives a straightedge lifestyle ( no booze, drugs etc), he has given business to some of the hottest chicks wrestling has to offer, and for the last two years he had developed a holier than thou heel gimmick based around his previous face gimmick of the Straight Edge Superstar. Basically it started with him chastising people for abusing prescription pills and drinking beer. Since then, he has become a type of cult leader/messiah character and his positioned himself as one of the top heels in all of pro wrestling.

As of right now, CM Punk has challenged the WWE Champion John Cena for his title at Money in the Bank with the hopes that he can win the title and walk out of the company (Punk's real life contract negotiations have publically not gone as planned and is being reported that he is leaving) with their belt.

The storyline already has the legs to be the most compelling story in awhile. But then Punk took his seat like a first grader waiting for 'show and tell' while we sat at home not know what the hell Punk had brought from home. When it came time for Punk's turn in "show and tell" he picked up his mic and he "showed" us truth- and "told" us everything.

Unfortunately, my journalistic ability is not skilled enough to describe Punk's scathing promo. Fortunately, we live in the age of the internet, and I found the transcript. So with out further ado here is Punk's instantly infamous promo:

"John Cena, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this, because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I wanna get off my chest.

"I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate... this idea... that you're the best... because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world.

There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as Dwayne... he's a pretty good ass-kisser... always was and still is.

Oops... I'm breaking the fourth wall. [Punk waves to the camera.] I am the best... wrestler... in the world. I've been the best ever since Day One when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit.

That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar... and he split, just like I'm splittin', but the biggest difference between me and Brock is that I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.

I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that. They're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone, in that ring, and even on commentary. Nobody can touch me.

And yet, no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collectors' cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show.

I'm not on Conan O'Brian, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be, and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that "Dwayne" is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!

Oh hey, let me get something straight, those of you who are cheering me right now... you are just as big a part of me leaving as anyone else, because you're the ones sipping out of those collector cups right now, you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at five in the morning at the airport, you try to shove it in my face thinking you can get an autograph and sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to get a real job.

I'm leaving with the WWE championship on July 17 and hell, who knows, maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling... maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor... [Punk waves to the camera again] hey, Colt Cabana, how you doing?

The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone you're still going to pour money into this company -- I'm just a spoke on the wheel -- the wheel's gonna keep turning. And I understand that... that Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself... he's a millionaire who should be a billionaire... you know why he's not a billionaire?

It's because he surrounds himself with glad-handing nonsensical [censored] yes-men like John Lauranitis, who's gonna tell him everything he wants to hear... and I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon is dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family.

Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. You know we do this whole bully campaign..." (Microphone is cut off. Punk hits the mic a few times, says something inaudible, yells "I've been silenced", and we fade to black.)

So if you are keeping track at home, the WWE closed their last live taping in two weeks with CM Punk delivering a shoot style (shoot means it was real. Not something that is meant to add to a story line. Now this wasn't exactly a shoot, rather it was intended to feel like one) promo where we saw him seemingly torch most of the promo taboo's Vince McMahon has installed in his company. In 5 glorious minutes, Punk buried The Rock. He mentioned former employees (Hogan, Heyman, Lesnar, and Colt Cabana) he spoke about other companies, he hypothesized about the company’s health after McMahon dies, and buried Stephanie McMahon and HHH as his successors.

He was seriously a Chris Benoit mention away from having instigated an IWC (Internet Wrestling Community) riot.

In five minutes he reposition himself from possibly being this generations Roddy Piper into this generations Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Austin had a rocket shoved up his ass and became one of the three most popular wrestlers ever after the same time of worked/shoot promo. He beat Jake Roberts at the 96 king of the Ring and then followed it up with a promo suggesting Roberts start drinking again and questioned his religious beliefs (famously, the line is " Talk about your pslams, you talk about your John 3:16- well Austin 3:16 says, ' I just whooped your ass'!").

We all know what happened following that. The Grumpy Redneck eventually started to disobey his boss, much to the delight of the paying customers causing every male between the ages of 15-25 to own a Steve Austin t shirt (I got one by hand-me-down from my uncle and it was a prized possession).

Is the same trajectory in the cards for Punk? We don't know. Here is what we do know as of right now: We know that if Punk stays, he has ready made storylines now. This Cena thing can carry for a few months. Then he can go into another mainevent worthy program with HHH if he chooses to return just off the comments he made. If Punk stays, he's got big pay checks ahead of him.

We also now know Vince McMahon loves himself some CM Punk.

CM Punk is reportedly stepping away(for atleast a moment) from the WWE, yet Vince is putting him in the mainevent of a Pay Per View. This in itself isn't rare. Shit, it just happened last year when Batista was leaving. Alot of wrestlers on their way out the door get built up, just so they can lose and put over the guy who is staying around. Make the guy staying around look as strong as possible. It's smart business.

The anomoly here is the promo itself. So much of it was intended to be above the majority of the audience ( ie. children and the parents who are with said children) that it almost seemed like a 19 year old internet fan boy wrote it. All of the WWE's content has been dumbed down and child proofed over the last few years in attempt to build a new fan base. So why would Vince McMahon allow this promo to sneak by the goalie?

Well we won't know the definative answer till atleast Money in the Bank, but by allowing him to show some 'attitude' it helps Punk's credabillity in getting it over as a shoot and not something that was written out for him. If you watched that promo live, you know that it felt real.

It felt like a pissed off employee, who knows he is on his way out the door, telling everyone he doesn't like to go fuck themselves. It was a more serious version of the speach Jim Brewer gave in Half Baked when he quite his job.

It felt like Austin (adding to the metaphore, please notice if you watch the video that he is wearing an Austin shirt).

From what I know about Vince McMahon, this sounds like either he has a ironclad relationship with Mr. Punk, or Punk has photo's of Vince banging a 12 year old boy. I am not willing to rule out either at this point. I guess we'll find out more on July 17th.

My prediction: Nothing comes of this. WWE is just giving the adult wrestling fans a brief dick tease to get us to buy a pay per view we typically would've pirated. Punk is on his way out, Cena continue's his title reign (which will last a year so his match with The Rock will be a title match), and I consume a bottle of tylonol after I allowed myself to think the WWE I once loved was on it's way back.

My Hope: Punk has signed a contract already under the stipulation that they run this angle. He ends up beating Cena at that pay per view and in the process the fans completely turn on Cena for being a bitch. This leads to a much needed Cena character change, and Punk rising as this generations Austin- culminating in a Hart v Austin- like blow off match at Wrestlemania 28 with... wait for it.... wait... Chris Jericho. Then I go out and reup my cable so I can begin watching Raw on Monday nights again religiously.

I need a cigerette.