Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Long Live The King


Twenty minutes ago, Felix Hernandez completed a perfect game. He struck out 12 batters, including 7 of the last 9 outs in said game. I can't seem to construct too many proper sentences, so I'm going to leave you with this picture. Enjoy:





Monday, August 13, 2012

Great Debate: Russell vs Flynn

Damnit Pete, make up your mind.
 
We are under a month from opening kick off and the Seahawks are still entertwined in a two man QB battle. Making matters worse,  both seem very capable of being a starting QB.
 
It's becoming a hot arguement between me and the people I argue sports with. As polorizing a discussion I can remember having in regards to the Seahawks in recent years. Seriously, this is approaching the "Is Shaun Alexander any good?"  arguement from 2006.
 
So let me go a head and get on record with what I think should happen.
 
I think Pete Carroll should choose Matt Flynn as the starting Quarterback. Flynn, of course was signed presumably to be our starter a few months back after absolutely TORCHING the Lions in week 17 for 6 touchdowns. Not 1, not 2, not 3... But six. In the history of professional football there have only been 35 occassions where a QB has tossed 6 touchdowns or more. Matt Flynn and his 2 career starts has one of them. I don't care if the Lions started a secondary made of autistic children, they were professional autistic children and so Matt Flynn had a night for the ages.
 
So now he is a Seahawk. He came her to start and start he should. Granted, in his two outting so far he hasn't looked AWESOME, but he hasn't looked bad either. Atleast not bad enough to let Russell "The Love Muscle" Wilson jack his starting spot.
 
Now I know the arguement. And I agree, Russell has looked GREAT in the first two preseason games. But seriously, he is tossing seam passess against people who will be assistant coaching high school football in three weeks. Lets not get too excited.
 
Do I think Russell is good? Hell yeah. I fist pumped my shoulder out of it's socket when we stole him in the 3rd round. Does that mean I'm excited about starting a rookie QB? Hell no. Rookie Qb's struggle. This defense is good enough to make the playoffs. We have good recievers. We have a franchise running back. Bitch, lets play for keeps.
 
Let Russell Wilson  "Carson Palmer"  under Matt Flynn. If Flynn sucks, then we can go Wilson. If Flynn gets hurt, we can go Wilson. But let Flynn prove he isn't our starter first.
 
He deserves that.
Full disclosure: I think Russell Wilson will be our starting Quarterback when we contend for Superbowls. But the dude is 24. There is no reason to not atleast see what we have with Flynnsanity.
 
I'm not going to be upset if #3 gets the nod. But alot of people think I am Russell bashing. I'm not. I just feel the need to preach patience. You know?
 
Of course, Pete Carroll is probably going to name Russell the starting QB and I will have to explain to everyone that I wasn't against him; I was just FOR Flynn. You know, because nobody will actually read this. 

Friday, August 10, 2012

Dwight Howard, Lakers and Wheat Grass

The Orlando Magic ended their near two year long Dwightmare last night.
He looks stupid in Yellow. Right?
The Magic are expected to announce this morning the trade that will send Dwight Howard to the Los Angeles Lakers, in return they will recieve Aaron Affalo, potential cap space and Crabs.

Thats almost not a joke. Please review the complete trade below:
  • Lakers get: Dwight Howard, Earl Clark, Chirs Duhon.
  • Magic get: Aaron Affalo, Al Harrington, Moe Harkless, Nikola Vucevic, a PROTECTED 1st round pick from the 76ers, Lakers, and Nuggets.
  • 76ers get: Andrew Bynum and Jason Richardson
  • Nuggets get: Andre Igoudala
Thats it. Thats the whole trade. The turned down two trades this off season with the Nets and Rockets that would've seen them unload all their bad contracts and in the case of the Nets offer, bring back Brook Lopez and Marshon Brooks. They said no, because anytime you can turn Dwight Howard into a chance to pair Aaron Affalo with Hedo Turkalou, you have to do that.

Seriously, Houston was willing take on Hedo and J Richardson and send back cap space, draft picks and Kevin Martin. Maybe I'm high, but Kevin Martin is better than Aaron Affalo.

Also, J Rich's contract shouldn't have been the mandetory move. He has 3 years and a shade over 18 remaining. Thats 6 million a season for a starting 2 guard (thats basically what Portland is paying for Wes Mathews right now). The man can still offer something productive. Orlando should never have made a move unless it involved Hedo's, who has 2 years at 23 million left. His contract is basically a dick punch whose sting won't fade for another two years.

I get it. You trade the guy who doesn't move like a mummy. This trade can be summed up in one more (coherent) point: Orlando traded the best center in the league in a four team trade that involved the 2nd best center in the league and another guy who is one of the best defensive perimeter players in the league and is currently playing for our American Olympic team. The Magic didn't recieve either of those players.

Yippy for draft picks that won't sniff the lottery (and if they do, perhaps if Bynums knee blows up like a gernade and Philly bottoms out- THAT PICK IS PROTECTED so it better not be too good of a pick).

Well done Orlando.

In other news, how awesome would it have been to be a fly on Steve Nash's wall this morning? He probably woke up about 6 am to the wonderful sound of the ocean flowing up to his rented condo in Malibu. Decided to let the aspiring actress/waitress/yoga instructor who was occupying the other half of his bed sleep longer, and go for a private jog by himself around the coast line of California's rich and famous.

When he gets back, he continues his morning ritual and busts out an hour of intense, mind freeing Yoga. This is how he keeps his back and mind healthy. He grabs a shot of wheat grass and throws it down the hatch while once again thinking about how life is smiling on him while staring at the ocean. Life is perfect, he thinks.

Its at this moment, he becomes content with any trepidations he has with playing with the moody Andrew Bynum and the homecidal Kobe Bryant. I can make this work, he confidently reminds himself.

At that moment, he is joined by the Yoga instructor who looks like Rebecca Romain  15 years ago. She is naked except for Nash's prized Wayne Gretzky Oilers Jersey. He is annoyed at her. She is not only wearing his favorite jersey, but she is holding his blackberry.

"What are you doing?" Nash asks, confused to why she thought she had permission to help herself to his phone.

"Um, some guy named Kobe just called like 10 times." she starts, Steve could tell she wasn't aware that she was talking about Kobe Bryant.  "He kept screaming about a bunch of bad words, something dirty Austrillians and..." she paused. "Something about buying a D-12. Or you guys sharing a D-12?Is that a new car?"

A rush of excitment and adrenaline over took his body. He jumped up and fist pumped like the end of a bad 80's sitcom. His new team had just replaced Andrew Bynum with Dwight Howard. IN the matter of 35 days he went from playing with guys named Gortat, Lopez and Dudley to guys named Bryant, Gasol and Howard.  Move over, Iron Man, I'm now the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

From that moment on, the rest of Steve Nash's day was a blur of experimental sexual positions, thought of his defensive mistakes being errased, and wheat grass shots.

And anal. Lots and lots of anal.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Mariners: July Review

Anyone reading this I'm sure will agree: July was nothing if not eventful. There was an All-Star game (1 Mariner!), there was a stretch where we lost 7 of 8 games, and of course the current stretch where we have won 8 of the last 10 games.

Some individual highlights included: Felix
  • Felix, as per usual, was a monster, winning all 3 of his decisions and spreading 10 runs over 44 innings.
  • John Jaso and Jesus Montero both batted exactly .300 for the month. Unfortunately the rest of their numbers were 4 home runs and 22 RBI's. Combined.
  • Chone Figgins only played in 6 games. THEY'RE LEARNING!!!
  • But the most impressive bullet point, Jason Vargas. Mr. Vargas rebounded his awful June by going 5-0 with a 1.64 era. That is not a misprint. Somehow he tricked the Mariners batting order to help him win 5 of his 6 starts. Of course, it's SUPER hard to lose when you only give up 8 runs in 44.0 innings (unless your Felix, then the Mariners do find a way to lose).
 Eh, I gotta apologize. I'm just not into right now. I mean I love this team, but I feel fairly detatched right now. I just switch jobs, my wife is pregnant and I had to come to the realization that Justin Smoak will never reach his alleged Paul Bunyan potential (atleast while wearing a Mariner jersey). Maybe if they win another game or two I'll find the fountain of fan youth and pound out 2,000 words of glowing hyperbole, but right now, I kinda just wanna go to the gym then play some Madden. Sue me.

I just feel blah right now. Justin Smoak sucking has really been a dick punch. I haven't evne mentioned the whole trading Ichiro situation, which has left with this feeling similar to that when you'd delete a girl's phone number that you weren't quite over with.

I'm not going to get into that Ichiro thing again. It sucks.

Here is to hoping the stretch this win streak out for the rest of the season.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Justin Smoak Era, Over?

Yesteday, Justin Smoak got demoted to Triple A which is probably managment tapping out in regards to his future in Seattle. I had high hopes for the 1st baseman, as can be seen clearly in basically anything I have written in the last two years. But there comes a time when you just gotta cut your losses.

Now, he is 25. Can he turn it around? Sure. Will he do it in Seattle? Maybe not. Maybe he would, but it's not like we are working with a small sample size here. He has played 243 professional games in a Seattle jersey. He is numbers: .195 ave, 33 home runs and 107 rbi's.  Lots of potential or not,  those numbers aren't cutting it.

So Jack, Eric, and the two dick heads (Chuck Armstrong and Howard Lincoln) called it a day on the Justin Smoak experiment. Lets take a moment and reflect.

Ladies and gentleman, the Justin Smoak era.



I enjoyed the highlights you had, Justin. Few and far in between as they maybe, I  did enjoy them. The Home Run tear you had at the begining of May 2011, the 2 home run six rbi night in Texas. They both got me exciting. Sadly, that was only like an 8 game window. You played 235 other games for the Mariners.

I hope you turn it around and become yet another former Mariner who winds up featured in the AllStar game.


Dark Knight Rises

If you haven't watched Dark Knight Rises yet, then feel free to read some of my other classic material.Just don't read this. This one is not for you. Move along please, nothing to see here.

Three weeks ago had you asked me when I would be watching Dark Knight Rises, I would've responded immediately,"Midnight show, duh." However, new job and parental responsibillities interviened and it delayed the culmination of my Batman experience by 5 days.

That movie was worth the wait.

I was perfectly satisfied with this continuation/ending of The Dark Knight triolgy. Ultimately the plot can boiled down to this : The aftermath of Batman Begins + the aftermath of The Dark Knight= Dark Knight Rises.

I feel like this is a good point to touch on some misconceptions. This is not a retelling of the Batman comics. This is Christopher Nolans vision of what it would take for Batman to exist in a modern setting.  This is not Knightfall. This is not No Man's Land. Batman Begins wasn't Year One.  While it's undeniably true that these movies were influenced by all of these books, they weren't the blue prints. To quote Captain Barbosa in Pirates of the Carribean, "They are more like, suggestions."

The comic movie relm is getting saturated, I'll be the first to admit that. But the Nolan films feel different. This movie isn't a comic movie, as much as it's a war movie with a Batman backdrop. It's violent, angry and dark. It also gives hope, and can be viewed as a testiment to human survival.

(that last paragraph was gay, sorry)

Here is what I really wanted to write about. I am the resident comic nerd to most of my friends and coworkers, I'm have been flooded with a copious amount of questions and theories in the 13 hours since I walked out of the theater. So allow me to break down my thoughts on the reoccuring topics:

(Again, if you haven't seen the movie and didn't listen to my origianl disclaimer...THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WHERE YOU NEED TO STOP READING)

First lets talk Bane: I loved Bane. Every part of him. The voice, the mask, the backstory. His enormous deltoids. Seriously, everything. There seems to be concern over 1) Banes voice and 2) Bane's acceptance of taking the role (as my brother describes it) "Glorified Body guard" in the movies conclusion.

I don't see it like that. The character Bane to me was Nolans' Darth Vader (even had breathing problems). He was big, intimadating and cunning. His delivery was patient and agressive at the same time. So when he turned out to be working for a higher power (if you want to call it that), I would argue that it was much the same as Star Wars introduction of the Emperor.

I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for bringing the comparison, but much like Heath Ledgers' Joker, Tom Hardy wasn't playing Bane. HE WAS BANE.

Maybe there is something to the idea of not ever seeing the full face of the actor in the movie. With the Joker, the face paint and scars obviously covered Heath Ledger and his leading man face. Even the brief moment when he is paint free, thats still NOT the same guy who played a Gay cowboy.

Hardy (who has donned the clean dome in a movie before) has half his face swallowed by a mask that is said to be keeping him alive. Basically from his eyes down is mask. The result: Gone is the angry brother from Warrior. Here is Bane, "Gothams Reckoning".

The most enjoyable parts of the movie, for me, were the fight scenes between Bane and Batman. First they clearly wanted to get a boner on every nerd in the audience because they lifted the back breaking move from the "Knightfall" cover in their first altercation. That got a fist pump out of me.

The second fight though, that was jaw dropping. There is a moment (I wish I could include video of it) where Bane starts to really lose his shit on Batman. He goes from throwing "aggressive movie punches" to "I think Christian Bale might actualy be in trouble" punches. Tom Hardy is no nancy. He starts throwing these bombs where I half expected Bale to break character, stop the scene, turn and scream, "What the hell, Tom? This is a movie. Chill out!" then retreat to his trailer for 3 days, sobbing, while he waits for an apology from an angry Tom Hardy.

Final verdict: He was awesome. Please feel obligated to agree with me.


Lets talk John Blake- or Robin- and why this works. I like this move mainly because Robin is as important to the Batman mythology as anyone. He has literally been there since day 1.That being said, I'll be the first to admit a 13 year old in tights would've derailed the series a little bit. Nolan just spent 8 years detailing how 'Batman' could exist in a realistic realm. A boy who is simultanously battling criminals and puberty would NOT have helped his case.

But Robin is still important. So how does one involve such an important character while combating the logistical issues that come with it?  Apparently the answer is this: you re-vision the conept of Robin. Sounds simple right?

Team Nolan did something I typically hate in my superhero movies. They took relatively radical creative liberties with a major character (ex: Cyclops dieing in X3, or Deadpool losing his abillity to talk in Wolverine. Or actually just those two movie abortions in general). And succeeded at it.

Nolan handled his "Robin" changes  with some obvious care. The character John Blake begins the movie as a rookie cop but gradually, and unknowingly, becomes Batman's apprentice. Serving as a mirror to what the "Robin" comic charater would be. Then of course you get the wink and nod at the end, by the big reveal that his biological name is Robin Blake and that is Chris Nolans way of screaming at everyone, "SEE! SEE WHAT I DID. I'M F**KING SMART!"

The idea of John Blake is smart. He has never been a Robin (the current list is: Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown and Damien Wayne and I think there is another one). In fact, he isn't even a character period. But he isn't actually supposed to be a Robin, in the way that if the movie were to continue he would sport the green tights and fairy costume. No his Robin is only in the spirit that Batman see's him as a successor.

This liberty made me smile because though he was  completely fabricated for the purposes of the movie, his personallity and backstory was a nod to the 3 major Robins giving the comic nerds a chance to turn to their girlfriend (or wife's) and explain why that was well done.  John Blake was  Dick Grayson when he"quit". After the original Boy Wonder quit, he took on the title of Nightwing: a cop by day, crime fighter by night. That one is obvious.

Then there is Jason Todd. The angry one who was "killed" by the Joker when he was a teenager. Jason Todd was an orphan. John Blake mentioned his anger as a teenager being caused by his parents death and not having a healthy way of dealing with it. Check.

Lastly, the comics have given us Tim Drake. He who discovered Batman's identity before becoming Robin and lost his father to gambling issues. Both, traits John Blake shared.

And if you're like me and you want to take it even further, John is Dick Graysons middle name and "Blake" rhymes with "Drake".

Now the question I get is: So he is going to be "Robin"? No, he isn't going to be "Robin". He already IS Robin. If the movie were to continue he wouldn't be fighting crime with an 'R' on his chest. Robin is his first name. You don't chose a biological name as your secret identity. If I were a hero I would not be The Masked Andrew.

Also, the character "Robin" is a sidekick. Bruce Wayne is either dead (if you want to believe that Alfred was imagining it) or retired. There is no one to sidekick for. John Blake is now running the show.

No, he would go on to be Batman. Or Nightwing (the brief bat baptism at as he finds the cave would make me assume he would be Batman).

I'm not going to close this up by annoucning it's the best movie ever, or use any other hyperbole. I need to see it a few more times to start that argument. But I will say that it was an incredible finish to my favorite trilogy of movies.

Boy, I wonder whats next...?

Monday, July 23, 2012

Pour One Out

I'm sitting in the last of my four, hour long meetings that I've had today. My eye lids feel like they have sand bags weighing them down. I got an HR guy going through a presentation that I gave up on 25 minutes before this moment. I'm too busy spending all my energy fighting the urge to close my just one of my eyes. Maybe for a second I think to myself.

My phone vibrates, alerting me to a text message. The struggle between my brain and my eyes is now on hold as the text message has distracted the two battling parties. Who could it be? I wonder what it says? Nothing more world consuming for my imagination than a text message I can't immediately access.

After a few moments of pretending I could ignore it, I succomb to the seductive calls of my phones vibrations. As soon as the HR guy looked away, I eased my phone out of my pocket, and glanced at the message.

BW: ICHIRO HAS BEEN TRADED!!!

Cue the sound of my world shattering.

In all honesty, this should've happened last year. Maybe even the year before that. Shit, the Mariners all time hit leader (2533) theoretically could've been traded any time after 2007 and it would've made sense. The team was going no where, and Howard Lincoln and Chuck Armstrong (dickheads) aren't opperating a franchise in LA, Texas, Boston or New York. They run a team in Seattle. The logical plan is to be building a team with prospects, rather than playing the Free Agency game.

Over the last decade this team hasn't quite commited to a strategy. They pound their chest and say they want to spend wisely, but they give huge deals to Richie Sexson and Carlos Silva. Then they say they want to build with prospects, but trade immediate All Star shortstop Adsrubal Cabrerra to the Indians for Herpes.

The only constant with this team was it's steadfast refusal to consider dealing Ichiro.

Which was fine by me. In my fan lifetime the Mariners have traded away 3 first ballot hall of famers (ok 2, since A Rod will get the steroid bitch slap), and I was ok with letting the 4th play the whole career patrolling right field.

But his numbers were suffering. He was no longer racking up 230 hits in a single season. He was no longer running down gapped fly balls. He still looked like 2001 Ichiro, only if you replaced his cleets with cinderblocks. Basically, if he was a computer his descrease in speed would have me googeling free Anti Virus software.

The only thing that stayed consistant was his inabillity to get injured, which of course kept any potential prospects from getting a crack at demonstrating his talents.

All that is over now. The bandaid was ripped off and Ichiro is now the 4th 1st Ballot Hall of Famer to get traded by Howard Lincoln and Chuck Armstrongs (seriously, these two are giant Dickheads). Ichiro, the last Mariner to win MVP, is now a New York Yankee while he sits 447 hits away from 3000 ( a number he wants to get to). No matter how I have felt about his play the 18 months or so, I will miss Area 51.

Oh and on a serious note, if Ichiro gets to 3000 while wearing Pinstripes I'm going to eat a bullet.