When I woke up this morning, I was not in good shape. I was laying on the floor of my new bedroom, because I have yet to acquire any furniture. To make matters worse, I had the familiar post boozefest headache and I was Ethiopian child levels of hungry. What was unfamiliar was the scratches and the soreness that took over the rest of my body.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The story about how I lost Jesse's coat...again...
When I woke up this morning, I was not in good shape. I was laying on the floor of my new bedroom, because I have yet to acquire any furniture. To make matters worse, I had the familiar post boozefest headache and I was Ethiopian child levels of hungry. What was unfamiliar was the scratches and the soreness that took over the rest of my body.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentines Day, Valentine.
Yup, yup. I opted for taking a road trip with four dudes. For the sake of my ego, I'd like to now pretend there was a line of girls trying to get some of my love and affection for today, but I'm not feeling that creative today.
Don't get it twisted, I'm not in full fledge self loathing mode today. I probably could've found someone if I tried. But I didn't, so I remain chick-less.
The fact of the matter is I'm driving to Spo-compton tomorrow, so I can watch wrestling. And to be honest, right now, I'd rather do that then shell out for some meaningless date. It wouldn't go anywhere, I'm still a broke dude without a car.
It's simple math, chicks like cars and dudes that can pay for dinner. And untill two weeks from now( because I do have a big boy job again, but am still waiting for that awesome paycheck and I'm hopefully moving into an apartment in the next week or so), that equation still doesn't equal me. So it was for my own good that I opted to participate in this Brotherhood of the Traveling Sausage road trip ( I promise if there is anything to come from that I will write about it. It defenitly has the ingrediants for some wild shit).
Maybe next year it will be different.
As for this year, Valentines Day blows. It's nothing more then a cheap excuse for men to shell out money on their lady friend, and to remind the single dudes how big of a schmuck they really are. I'm now going to masturbate in my own tears and go to sleep in a room full of dudes.
Wow, I'm a champion of epic proportions.
Monday, February 9, 2009
A Gentleman with Steroid Needles.
"What do you want?" I answered as nicely as I possibly could. Ask anyone, before 10 am, and I am the physical form of all the worst parts of the Bible.
"DUDE! Have you read Espn yet?" I could feel the hate rising. Now let me state that if it were a normal time, like noon, I would've been able to politely say 'yes, I have' or ' you bet, brother of mine.' But again, it was 8 am on a Saturday. At that time I was balls deep in a glorious dream involving Jessica Alba, me, a pool table, 15 dollars, three sheep, four magi and strategically placed Grapes. Needless to say, it was very enjoyable and thoughts of espn shockingly had yet to enter my conciousness. But here was Jesse, asking if I had yet updated myself on my Saturday morning readings, to which I could only reply "no".
"Dude, A-Rod got busted for roids. It's on the front page." The blood had yet to return to my head, so it took a minute before everything registered. I got up and quickly fired up ESPN.com. Sure enough, Alex Rodriguez, resident sports pretty boy, and my arch nemises had tested positive in 2003 for PED. I was speechless.
Days later and I remain speechless.
I actually was hoping he would never get caught. I was hoping he would remain the clean superstar, but I always new it was a possibillity. I mean he was quick, strong, and built like a line backer. If I've learned one thing over the last few years, it's unless you're Ichiro (who is built like Prince) don't be suprised if they get busted for Performance Enhancers. Part of me was hoping he would eventually take over the all time HR record and take it back from the douche bag that is Barry Bonds.
Real quick, I need to say that the steroid era sucks. However, I don't think it's as big of a deal as we are making it. Most of the journalism in this country is directed towards how unfair this is to the old timers of the game that keeps it's legends in a prominant light. The beautiful thing about baseball is that it has remained the same game over the years (you know with the glaring exception that out fielders could step out of the batters box and on to the grid iron with out skipping a beat) so you can compare guys like Ken Griffey Jr to a Willie Mays. Sadly, those comparisons took a shot when the idea of steroids in Baseball became more then just a theory.
That being said, I don't feel as if the old timers are getting a raw deal like it's being reported. Yes steroids are used to enhance performance, but if everybody is using them shouldn't that mean that the playing field remains even? Ken Caminetti was the first face of steroid user in baseball. He said 80 percent of players (pitchers and hitters were using). That means even the crappy players, who were historically crappy, and were on steroids.
To clarify what I'm saying (sometimes I fear I ramble, and I don't want my point lost) Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, and Roger Clemens were on steroids. They were joined by many others. There is a list of a 103 names who tested positive in a survay in 03. It is true, Hank Aaron never used steroids. They weren't around for him. But he also never hard to face someone who was on steroids. Hitters and pitchers were both roiding. So I pose the question, is it really unfair if everyone is doing it?
Back to the fun! Much like any good scandle, the stories just keep coming. Though I'd rather have him with the All-Time HR record (the most hallowed record in sports), I am giggly to watch the man that left my beloved Mariners for a record 250 million dollar deal over a ten years for a division rival back in the fall of 2000, get sodomized by the media. It seriously tickles me pink.
The media has flipped on dime on him, and it's got me half mast. I haven't been this excited about a non game related story line in forever. I can't wait to hear his apology. I can't wait to read what my favorite sports writers feel about this. Especially Rick Riley, formerly of Sports Illustrated who now writes for ESPN.
I acutally enjoy Rileys work. He remains one of my favorite 5 sports writers. He seems to be genuine and at times can be critical when he feels he has to be. And I respect that. But by an act of unbelievable irony, I happened to pick up a Sports Illustrated this weekend while I was taking a dump. Like I always do, when I pick up vintage SI's I flip to the back to see what Riley was talking about for that issue. The title of the article was "A Gentleman In A Pinstripe Suite." And it was a well crafted fluff piece about Alex Rodriguez right after he joined the New York Yankees.
I mean this piece was nothing more then a written hand job to the self marketing giant that is A-Rod. It was gross.
But what excites me is to see if Riley says anything about it. He has been very critical of the confirmed steroid users (like Clemens and Bonds). But this editorial is full of these little points on what makes Alex Rodriguez such a good, yet boring guy. It was a complete 180 of a portrait of the man that we know to be A-Rod now.
He mentioned how A-Rod is family man, and a faithful husband. Except for the fact that he was involved in that messy Guy Ritchie Madona divorce, and last year had a photo documented affair with a stripper. What a guy.
It was said that he doesn't go out and party....unless you count the late night strip club runs.
And then there was my personal favorite. Riley said, when talking about how shocked he was the A-Rod "works on his game alot" he said and I quote "Your game? Hello? You were American League MVP last year! You've already got 383 career home runs, and you're not even 'roided up". IT's funny because he was roided up. HAHAHAHA.
Seriously, check out the article if you don't believe me: http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1032493/3/index.htm
One thing is for sure, this going to be long and drawn out. We are going to see politician like spin work from A-Rod and his people. It's going to be like watching Picaso paint. It's going to be like watching Bob Dylan craft a song. We will eventually stop caring because this is going to be terribly tedious, and we're gonna get sick of it.
When that happens, just remember one thing taking everything that is said with a grain of sault, and a shot of penicilin.
And don't forget to laugh.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Michael Phelps
Most of you, as I did this morning, probably asked the same thing. "Holy crapola, what did he do?" I mean it had to have been borderline OJ to get his sponsorship revoked, right? I mean this is a company who is not used to promoting Icons. It's not like they can cut Phelps and just make another commercial with someone like Kobe Bryant. This is a company who for years has been defined by a fat guy who aquired a cult-like popularity by losing a ton of weight walking to their stores and inhailing their sandwiches.
So Phelps had to have done something legendary, right? I mean, maybe not OJ level, but definitely somewhere around Barry Bonds.
Perhaps he didn't kill anyone, but maybe he did get caught for cheating. Olympic athletes get busted after the fact all the time, right Marion Jones? Maybe his name was getting brought up in Roid scandles, Lance Armstrong style. Or maybe, he pee'd on young under aged girls, was stupid enough to film it, and even more retarded to let it "leak" on the internet.
(unrelated rant: If you are doing something illegal, and you are of someone of fame, and you are stupid enough to film it-Please, for the love of all that is decent, KEEP THAT SHIT HIDDEN. Lock it in a safe. Stuff it in your underwear drawer. Treat it like you are 14 years old again and it is the porno magazine that you stole from your older cousin and don't want your mom to know about. Also, and R. Kelly this is directed towards you, you are rich, good looking, black man and a talented singer. Girls of all ages want to give you the good stuff. We are talking about the same creatures that volunteer to bang reality stars. You are a platinum singer. They should be lining up for you.
You could probably talk any girl into take a golden shower. So do us all a favor and pick one thats over 18. It's not tough. In fact it's probably easier because by that age most of them have silenced their sense of morality.
Now what did the Gold Medalist do to lost his sandwich supporting credibility? He hit the bong.
Yes, over Superbowl weekend a photo surfaced of the 23 year old Olympian, apparently operating a Bong. Thats it. Thats all. Just a picture of him and a pretty piece of glass that is primarily used to roast happy grass.
What is the big deal? Sure, weed is illegal, but so is selling crack and Jay-Z has 10 albums about doing just that. Yet we still know that he LOVES his HP computer. Brandon Marshall, Wide Receiver for the Denver Broncos will be representing the AFC in the Pro Bowl on Sunday, despite missing a game this year for consistently getting in trouble for domestic violence. Isn't that special?
Or how about the fact that for the last 8 years we've had a president who is a reformed alcoholic, and has allegedly (and not denied, according to the New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/20/politics/20talk.html?_r=1) used cocaine in the past. According to the same article, our former president had been recorded saying things like he wouldn't answer the questions about marijuana usage during his presidency campaign because, "I don’t want some little kid doing what I tried.” AND HE BECAME OUR PRESIDENT!
But I digress. The thing is, Phelps has numerous sponsors, all of which got over it. Well except Subway and Kelloggs. Who have opted to take a moral high ground and cut ties with him all over a picture.
Couple things that wierd me out about this. One, we don't even know that it is weed he is smoking (stay with me here, my point is far fetched but I promise their is legitimacy in it). When you got purchase any type of smoking equpment, especially that of a bong, their is signage all around the stores that say "for Tobacco use only". Yes it is unlikely that someone would pay good money for a bong to smoke tobacco, it is possible. It is their "official" useage.
So I guess it is legal to buy a bong, but it is cause for termination to have a picture of you using it. Even though it has not be confirmed that it was used for illegal purposes? I think Kellogg and Subway are just assuming, maybe because once upon a time they were 23 and they too were participating in a photo opp with a tabacco intended smoking lamp. And maybe, just maybe their alligations are supported by their own experiences-making them hypocrites.
Second, I find it odd that SUBWAY of all companies would not want to be associated with this. Sure, it is not desired publicity. But when was the last time you walked into a Subway, and ordered a sandwhich from someone other then a red eyed, goofy talking 17 year old who smells like he has the Greatful Deads Greatest hits in the cd player of his 88 Honda Accord. Congratulations Subway, you just allianated half your employees and customers.
So lets recap: Jay-Z, former drug dealer, and allegedly involved in a club stabbing (SUPRISE). Who cares, HP sure doesn't. Robert Downy Jr, legendary drug addict and alcoholic. Shhh, don't tell Paramount, because they invested a billion dollar movie franchise in him.
Michael Phelps, 14 gold medals and still has one more Olympic competition left in him, but was photographed smoking from a bong and all of a sudden he is too morally suspect to tell us to eat sandwiches. I don't get it.
Heres what I do know, Quiznos and General Mills have a golden nug (pun intended) that has just fallen unto their laps. They can now spite the mortal enemies, Subway and Kelloggs by sponosring the Olympic hero. Four years from now, when Phelps goes for another 6 to 8 gold medals they can reap ALL the benifits.
Trust me Quiznos, Gerneral Mills. It's a wise investment. He is not a bad dude, in fact he is quite a good dude. He's just 23. Like me, and all my buddies he has flaws. Like all of us, he may make a bad decision. Who cares. He's freaking human.
Yeah he screwed up. It was not wise to get photographed with a bong in his position. It doesn't matter wether he was smoking gaunge or tobacco, the public has one association for that device. And for the rest of his competive career he will be a victim of public opinion. That being said, it's a breath of fresh air to see him own up to it though. Truly and inspiration.
And in my opinion that makes Michael Phelps a true American Hero.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Congrats Pittsburgh
- Faith Hill gives me a boner. The American Idol chick does not. Canada 1, America 0.
- The pagentry of the Super Bowl is annoying. Roger Craig and Lynn Swann were standing on the field for the coin flip. WHY? What purpose does this serve? Are they there just in case the ref fucks up like that Thanksgiving game (oddly enough with the Steelers) and Bettis called one thing, and the ref said he called another? If they have a sequal are the former NFL players out there to beat his ass? Thats the only acceptable answer.
- Kinda funny how Big Ben tried to scramble in on the exact same looking play that he scored with against the Hawks. I find it Funny that this one was over turned, and the one against my Seahawks wasn't. Actually, I'm joking. It's not funny at all.
- Somebody tell Pepsi Anthony Hamilton is not the modern day Bob Dylan. Thank you.
- James Harrison's TAINT (Bill Simmons reference to "Touchdown After an Interception") made me wet.
- If I were to write a blog listing the top Receivers in the NFL, the list would go like this "Larry Fitzgerald."
- Did anyone else notice that Kurt Warner obviously hid his real wife in the basement before the game. I've seen the real Mrs. Warner, she has a dike haircut. The Mrs. Warner they showed on Sunday was SERIOUSLY hurtin for a squirtin.
- I realized after I watched Big Ben hold up the Lombardi trophy on Sunday, that I'm still mad about the events of Black Sunday.