Valentines Thoughts

Happy Valentines Day to all 4 of my loyal readers. I hope you are all having a good day, and most importantly, I hope you all get some play tonight. That wish goes double in regards to my fiance. I hope you get play too, since that would mean I get play too. Theoretically.

Now that we got that out of the way, Holy shit. What a day.

Valentines day has exactly five minutes left, and I'm up all by myself doing home work watching sportcenter. Kind of. Hard to focus after what just happened. My life just got altered. Valentines Day 2011 will be remembered for the rest of my life.

THE ROCK HAS FINALLY FUCKIN COME BACK TO WRESTLING....

I'm not sure why he did or for how long. I just know that a childhood hero of mine stepped back in the ring for the first time in 7 years tonight, picked up a mic (called John Cena a bitch) and made my brain orgasm for 20 minutes. Tonight, I became 13 again flipping to the WWF when my mom would leave the room. It sure does feel good.

In case you missed it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8ejiG5-BtA



His shirt said 'I bring It'. You're fucking right he did. He brought it hard. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch it 17 more times then try and sleep through the Adrenaline.

Birthday's, Asswhoopings and a Superbowl

Last week was a busy time for me. I was on vacation (from work, not school), I turned 25, and I had a number of prior engagements that kept me away from writing here. I missed two of my favorite yearly blog posts, the Superbowl and my birthday. Nevertheless, I'll just give you a giant up date right now.

First things first, I turned 25. Didn't have anything extravagent planned, just wanted to do dinner with friends and maybe drink a beer or two. The Fiance, however, had other ideas. She decided to throw me a well planned suprise party ( that was nearly ruined by my roommate Derek, but thats for another story). My quiet birthday turned into a laugh-a-minute beer pong tournament that was capped off by a present for the ages- a personalized Blazer jersey.

So, Nate, Rich and Paul, God forbid we have another blown out knee this year, but I'm ready if it happens.


The second thing that happened was my brother Jesse entered the octogon for the first time, and administered a 46 second Tko to some kid who is probably without a girlfriend or family now. I can't begin to put into words what I whitnessed, so here is the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0utq8ZSJsg


In case you're asking yourself "what the fuck just happened?" I'll recap. Jesse took a quick punch to the face, took the kid to the mat, and started to drop bombs on his dome untill the ref called the fight because the kid wasn't protecting himself anymore.

Third, the Superbowl. Or as I like to call it, "The Cherry on Brett Favres Year Long Shit Flavored Sunday." Didn't really have a rooting interest in this game. Part of me wanted to see the Steelers win (which is the same part that loves to watch train wrecks). Can you imagine how awkward it would be for everyone if SexualAssaultlisburger was handed his 3rd Superbowl trophy a year after being accused of sexual misconduct for a 2nd time!? It would've been legendary.

Another part wanted to see the Pack to win. Stepmom is a giant Packers fan and it would allow me to preview what I could feel one day when the Seahawks finally win the big one (yes, I remain painfully optimistic).

Either way, I was ok with the outcome. I did win a good chunk of change through various gambling outlets. Aaron Rodgers played his ass off in January and deserved everything that came to him.

I tip the cap to you, Packers. Get ready though, the Seahawks are coming (someday).

5:30 am and my Conference Championship thoughts

I'm tired as shit.

It's currently 5:31 am and I'm sitting in my cubical at work. I'm cold and half asleep. It's truly bull shit that I'm here right now. On my old shift, I'd still be asleep for ANOTHER THREE HOURS. However, due to school complications I had to switch up the script and get on a schedule that would make over night janitors sad. How I talked myself into the merits of working a shift that begins roughly around the time I used to go to bed is beyond me. I guess I'm just a really good salesman.

Look, I neve said I was a smart man.

Instead of doing something constructive, like my job, I felt the need to come scribe some words out on this ol' bloggy poo.

Yes, bloggy poo.

No matter how you cut it, writing a blog is more fun than my job. I know I don't talk about my job alot on here other then to say I hate it with my heart and soul, but trust me it is. For those of you who don't know (and there shouldn't be anyone since all 7 of my readers know me on a personal level) I do credit card bill collection for a large bank (I'll keep the name out to keep my employment), and I don't think I'm going too far out on the limb when I say: bill collection blows. True it puts food on my table and cash in my pocket but at what point is that worth selling your soul and mortgaging your happiness.

-admitadly it's not THAT bad, but remember it is 5:30 in the morning.

I just don't like getting told to "go fuck myself" at 5 in the morning. Ok, I don't like that at anytime, but it's especially true while the rest of the world is still balls deep in dream world. I wish I could record some of these calls and put them on the internet, they would become a sensation. You wouldn't believe the kind of things that get said to me daily. I believe, in my heart of hearts, I spend my day speaking to the most retarded people this planet has to offer.

Today is going to be worse, because it's a Sunday. The people who don't like getting phone calls from my line of work, REALLY hate it on Sundays. Here is how the majority of my calls are going to go:


"Is (insert name of douche bag I'm looking for) there?"
" Don't call here mothafucka', it's the sabith and we at church."
"You're picking up your phone and swearing at church?"
"...fuck you." The end. Rinse and Repeat for success.

Now I could write a book about my customers and the evil things they say (and I might) but I'm going to stop right there for the time being. My objective wasn't to talk about that, rather just to support the fact that I would rather be in my warm bed laying next to my fiance. Not tripping off rockstar, with my back pinching up, listening to douchebags inform me about the economy being bad like they're the only person getting shit on. It's really not even comparable, but thats my reality right now.

Thank God for Football this afternoon, which is what I'll be doing before and after nap time when I get off work today. Watching Football (suck on that seemless transition).


And since we're on the subject I'll go ahead and throw out my predictions for the two Conference Championship games (hoping to do better then I did for the National Championship):

Green Bay @ Chicago- Green Bay is giving 3 1/2 to Chicago, on the road. Yuck. Without spending time disecting this game, we can boil it down to this: I think Gren Bay is better then Chicago. Aaron Rodgers has fire shooting out of his ass ( 22 touchdowns and only 2 picks in last 9 games, including last weeks 31 for 36- 366 yard 3 touchdown ass whooping he administered to Atlanta) and Jay Cutler doesn't have a chin.

Green Bay and Chicago played twice this year, home team winning both games. However, Chicago's win was a little questionable due to Green Bay committing a team record 18 penalties. Though the Packers are returning to the scene of the crime, I can't fathom another 18 penalty shit sandwhich

All that taken in account, and with the fear that Aaron Rodgers suffers from "Too Many Writers Riding My Jock" syndrom I say Green Bay wins, but Chicago Covers 17-14.

New York @ Pittsburg- Pitt is giving 4 at home. Pittsburg has a depleted offensive line, against a team that features the exotic blitz pacakges of Rex Ryan (who would probably blitz the water boy if he thought he could sneak him past the quarterback). Couple that with the fact that Troy Polamalu is out ( and Pitt is 6-7 with out the future Hall of Famer). Looking at that, I'd say we are looking at a Jets victory. But I'm not quite ready to say that.

Here are a couple fun things to keep in mind during the game. The AFC over the last 7 years (and 8 of the last 9) has been represented by a team being quarterbacked by either Tom Brady, Peyton Manning or Ben Rothlisburger. The Jets have beat Peyton Manning and Tom Brady to get to this game to face- Ben Rothlisburger.

Logic points to the Jets. But if Green Bay and the Jets win, we have two 6 seeds in the Superbowl. Only one 6 seed has made the big game before ( Steelers in 2005). Plus, Ben Rothlisburger winning another Superbowl less then a year after his 2nd sexual assault charge has got to be terror inducing for Roger Goodell, and since he is pushing for an 18 game schedule (despite the health concerns from the Players Union and the rest of the Planet) you gotta think karma might play a roll in this.

Final verdict, New York wins 23-17 due to some shaddy calls in favor of the Jets (Get ready Pittsburg fans, you deserve it).

Spoiling the Natty

#1 Auburn vs #2 Oregon start in 25 minutes and I'm at work. The first time the University of Oregon has made the National Championship, and I'm being told to "fuck off" over and over again while stuck in my cubi-hell. Is this fair?

Hold on, let me start over. I'm not complaining. I'm still buzzing from a weekend that featured the Seahawks shocking the world, a night out with the Fiance and my buddies, and Mr. Anderson winning the TNA title last night.

I've also got the game DVR'd. So I will be able to watch it-eventually.

The problem lies in these dickweeds around me. The game is less then a half hour away, and I have explicitly threatened the lives of everyone within ear shot. Yet as we get closer to the game, I can hear more and more chatter about it. I swear on all that is sacred in this world there will be a public execution if someone spoils ANYTHING for me.

I don't care if it's as simple as, 'Cam Newton highfived a camera man on the way out for his first drive.' I will rip the offenders heart out and eat it in front of their loved ones.

I've got tonight planned down to the t. The Boys are coming over, we're getting pizza and beer, and we're going to support Phill Knights boys all the way to their first championship.

Yes, I hope and think Oregon wins tonight. The over under is 74, I'm going to take the over and say the final 45-31 Oregon.

Still Smiling...

Under 5 minutes to go with Seattle hugging a 1 touchdown lead, my phone starts to vibrate. It's my brother. I'm watching the Seahawks home playoff game with a slight delay due to an impromptu madden game that broke out at Half time. I'm nervous as hell. I need to focus. I decide to ignore the call.

Then it dawned on me. Jesse is watching the game in real time. We aren't too far behind real time. That can't be good.

My nervousness rocketed up to unprecidented levels. The Seahawks, who had the lead at that point 34-30, in a game they had no business being in, were looking like they were trying to hand the game back to the Saints.

After they took a two touchdown lead with 5:27 in the 3rd Quarter, Seattle promptly gave up 10 un answered points and squandered away 3 drives totaling 12 plays for 7 yards causing me to look for a sharp object to impale myself on. I can't believe I dooped myself into thinking we were going to pull this out.

My stomach twisted up like a crazy straw. It was the same feeling as if you walked in on your girlfriend banging your cousin. WHEN they blow this game I'm going to throw up, I thought.

Fast forward to 4 minutes 20 seconds remaining in the fourth. The Saints had come back to make it a 34-30 game and had successfully eliminated any hope me or my buddies had in our team holding on to the upset and shocking the world. It didn't look good at all.

And then my phone rang.

I knew my brother was watching it in real time so something big must've happened and Seattle looked awful. The crazy straw kept twisting. Nothing good could've possibly happened, I kept thinking.

All the outcomes that kept flying through my head were the negatives Seattle had avoided all afternoon. I was sure either Hasselbeck through a pick that got taken back for 6, we fumbled, or the Saints took a punt return back to take the lead.

I wasn't 'glass half empty' I was glass is completely dry.

Then it happend. Following a first down play from the 33 where Marshawn Lynch was brick walled, they handed it right back to the the dreadlocked half back. At first, he looked doomed. He takes the ball to the left only to met by a wall of golden hats. Lynch, like all self centered pro-athletes thought he could salvage the un-saveable situation. He shifts his direction from the left back over to the right side, sheds some defenders and finds a little room.

He manages to shake a 2 man tackle to get it back to the right side and pass the first down marker. Oh man, he just saved that run. Breaks another tackle and now he was in open field. Oh shit, he's a monster.


Tracy Porter, a hero from last years SuperBowl, seems to have a decent angle on Lynch. No big deal, he's already super exceeded any expectations on this run. Except Lynch wasn't ready to go down. A stiff arm straight to the chest of Porter, sends the corner flying six yards back and effectively gets Lynch with pay dirt intentions. OH SHIT! Marshawn squirms out of more attempted tackle and hooks up with two blockers who take on the roll of the secret service as they escort the running back the rest of the way of a 67 yard touchdown.

(Please take a moment to enjoy the end of Tracy Porters self confidence.)

Pure meyham breaks out in my appartment. Did that really just happen? That was the type of play that if it were to happen on Madden, someone is throwing their controller and giving up. It was the type of play that destroys opponents wills. It was the type of play that makes fans believe, 100 %, they're team will win. It was the type of play that wins games.


It's EXACTLY the type of play that doesn't happen to a Northwest team.

In my life time, Edgar Martinez' double in '95 is still the greatest sports moment ever for any of my teams. It wasn't a play, it was a moment. Untill Sunday, Jordan Babineaux tackle on Romo in the 2007 playoffs, and Roy's half court buzzer beater against the Rockets were 2 and 3.

You can officially chalk the Marshawn Lynch's run into the number 2 spot.

The rest of the night I was experiencing what can only be described as a naturaul high. I had a fixed shit eating grin on my face, and I was giggling like a 13 year old girl with a crush. The Seahawks were 7-9, but being that our division was historically awful, we got in the playoffs. We were tasked with the defending champion, New Orleans Saints. We had no business winning that game, but thats exactly what we did. Last night we shocked the world. I can't describe the joy I felt (even writing that paragraph warmed my chest up like a shot of Jack).

Now I don't expect anything to really come from this win. In fact, I would bet that Seattle's season comes to an end next week. But no matter what happens next week, we can hang our hat on the fact that when no one thought we could win ( or that we belonged in the playoffs) we stood up on our two feet and punched the Saints in the mouth.

Point is, we beat the champions and I can't imagine a championship feeling that much better then this.

(if it does, I may explode.)

The Last Day of 2010

Wow, that was quick. 2010 is on it's way out, and since I'm laid out with a bad back ( I was doing manly shit last night, aka laundry) I'll give you all a quick recap untill it's time for me to suck it up and get dressed up.

With out further ado, here is Clinically Awesomes review of 2010:

• I lived. It seems foolish now, but there was a time when they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me that I did get a little freaked out.
• I never gave a shit about the Tiger Woods scandle. I'm proud of that.
• Ben Rothlisburger allegedly sexually assaulted a 19 year old girl in a bar. I have been known to side with the athlete under the idea that the girl is trying to get money. Being that this wasn't the first girl to throw a flag on Big Ben for entrochment, I became more skeptical.
• I became the master of Beer Pong. No joke, I'm better then you.
• The Mariners were supposed to be good. Key word: supposed to be.
• The Girlfriend and I broke up. It wasn't pretty. It also didn't last long. Realizing the error in our ways, we were back together in two shakes of a rabbits tail.
• My Blazers turned from a feel good up and coming team into a soap opera of bloody vaginas. They also fired Kevin Pritchard, which still hurts to write.
• Lebron James came out to save the NBA from Heat.W.O. But after he chased Wade and Bosh from the ring, he drops three leg drops on Mo Williams to reveal that he is the third teammate. Drew Careys was later found naked with a cheese steak steak sandwhich in one hand and a gun in the other.
• There was a time when I was convinced Chris Paul was going to be a Blazer. Then Oden's knee continued to be a pussy, and Brandon Roy's lack of miniscus also became a huge issue causing Rich Cho to say, "whats the f**king point?!"
• I took a chance on Ben Rothlisburger in my fantasy league due to our new keeper rules and his 4 game suspension keeping his price tag low. I also took a chance by making a trade for Michael Vick. Both ended up working out for me... Untill the championship, where once again I lose to the Born Winner. I was later found with a cheese steak sandwhich and a hand gun.
• The Blazers began their season 3-0. Then Roy started bitching about his knee. This opened the flood gate for copious amounts of shitty basketball to be played.
• The ship has seemingly been corrected for the time being with Captain Vagina Pants (Roy) serving a suspension...er... resting his knee with no return date.
• Including Roy's last game, a 12/15 night in Dallas (also known as "The night LaMarcus became a Man"), LaMarcus Aldridge is averaging 26 points 13 Rebounds.
• In that same stretch, Portlands 8-5 (take that with a grain of salt, that stretch has seen 7 road games).
• I survived my first quarter back at school. Barely. It was a rough quarter, where I nearly invited my humanities professor to a spirited fist fight (I would've beat his ass all over campus. Believe that.).
• Closing out the year, on December 19th, about 9:30 pm I asked the Girlfriend if to marry me. She said yes. I was relieved. We made out for awhile. It was cool (I'm underselling it like crazy. I'm really excited about starting a family with her. This was the best Christmas I ever had and it started with a ring and a question).

Well that was 2010 in a nut shell. A quick list for a quick year. Now I gotta suit up, taking the Fiance out for a night in Portland. Gonna do the New Year right, with booze (hopefully enough to numb my back) food and friends.

Happy New Year, bihotches.

clinically Awesome's 2nd Birthday Day

I'm can't write too much right now, I'm balls deep in the middle of trying not to fail any classes and have been sucked dry of anything that even resembles creative juices.

But this is a special occasion as it is my 2 year annaversary, so I'll address it a little bit.

Last year I thanked all my loyal readers. This year I'd like to take time and thank everything that has inspired me.

First and formost, The Portland Trail Blazers, Seattle Mariners and Seattle Seahawks. You three are my favorite teams and you consistantly shit all over my face. I'm like the wife of an abusive husband, telling myself that they love me back and believing them when they say ' this time it'll be different'. Year, after heart breaking year you tell me this year is THE YEAR, and I tell myself that you wouldn't lie. I believe that things will be different. Then two months later I'm wearing consealer while you are sporting a sub .500 record and we start talking mock drafts on the sports radio channles.

The Blazers have been abusive in a different way.brightspot in my fandom has been the Blazers, and even they refuse to put out anything that looks like a competative squad.

On the bright side, the Seahawks have yet to be eliminated from playoff contention, despite the fact that they are destined to be sub .500. What makes that even funnier is the fact that if they DO make it, they will be a division winnner and the proud host of a playoff game. Don't you love techniqualities?!?

I'd like to thank douche bag athletes. Specifically, I'd like to thank Lebron James. Because Lebron is such an incredible douche, I had lots to bitch about this summer. I wish I could just record my rants and post them on here, because they were some of my angriest, most venomous tyrades ever. Sadly, because I'm read less frequently then the bible in the Lohan household- the would have still gone unheard.

Actually, while we are on the subject, lets go ahead and thank Ben Rothlisburger, too. You sir, are (allegedly) a terrible human being. That being said, you are a starting quarterback for my playoff bound fantasy football team.

I guess what I'm saying is this: if you help me win a championship, and I'll not only forget that you've been accused twice of sexual assault in an 18 month span but I'll go as far as to nominate you for knighthood.

Next up, I'd like to thank Beer. This blog started with the idea that I'd be telling a lot of drunken stories. And for the first year, there were alot. My favorite being last years "Drinking in Spokane, through the Magesty of Pictures" ( Sept '09). Sadly, due to a mutant form of Mono, natural maturation and responsibilities, beer and I have had to seperate ourselves with very limited visitations this year. Sure, I still let my hair down from time to time (and alot during the brief seperation from The Girlfriend) but nothing compared to my consumption levels of years past.

That being said we do have New Years, Hocky Tickets and my birthday with in the next two months... I imagine I'll have SOMETHING to report.

Here's hoping that after finals are done, my creative juices return.



And Thanks again to all of you who read this (ever).