My brother texted me yesterday asking me to go squash the argument that was taking place over his facebook thread. “Whats it over?” I asked back. “Girl farts vs Guy Farts” he replied. Instant inspiration overtook me, “don’t worry," I replied, "I got an essay ready for these bitches.”
I went home an hour later at lunch, pulled out my laptop and wrote my Girl Fart vs Guy fart manifesto(ironically, I was dropping a deuce while writing it).
Without further ado, here is my reply:
The answer is easy, its girl farts. Does that mean girl farts smell worse? No. Not by a long shot. It's irresponsible for us to assume that the odor caused by female flatulence is ANY different then males. That being said, chick farts-due to their infrequent and often unexpected arrival are far worse then men. Allow me to elaborate:
Males are crude, immature creatures by nature. It's in our genetic code to swear profusely, laugh at inappropriate material, and go days without showering. When a girl makes the consensual decision to hang out with a male in a social setting- they are doing so with the understanding that we may offend them. Offenses including, but not limited to: excessive use of the 'f' word, references to genitals and/or masturbation, and of course, the chance that he may fart.
Now because the girl understands these facts, she is prepared for such and is less likely to be offended. Shock is removed from any situation when you expect it.
Would Pearl Harbor have had the same lasting effect on America if we knew what the Japanese were up to? Hell no. So if the girl has any resemblance of intelligence she is going to understand that guys fart, thus removing the shock from the situation and any chance of her to be offended.
On the flip side, girls want us to assume their farts either A) don't stink, or B) (and not realistically) don't fart at all. By not recognizing a fart as a perfectly normal bodily function, the female is unintentionally keeping the shock value intact.
True story, one summer day I was driving with a female friend of mine (for privacy reasons, I will keep her name from the story). We were having a nice drive, but it was hot as balls outside so we had the windows up with the air conditioner blasting. Then, without warning, I was assaulted by a smell that can only be described as: it smelt like the fat man at the beginning of seven (the gluttony guy) took a shit in my back seat and let it marinate all day under the hot summer sun. The smell CONSUMED my car.
'What the fuck is that smell?' I thought to myself. I pulled into the girls drive way to have a look around. Half expected the Triceratops turd from Jurassic Park to be in the seat behind the driver seat. Fortunately, it was not. However, what I did notice was the smirk on my co pilot’s face. It was a cross between 'oh shit, I fucked up' and ' I have a super awesome secret'.
It didn't take long for her to own up to her crime, but it did take long for her to convince me to not press charges. I was outraged!' How can she be responsible for this!? Girls are not supposed to fart like that' I thought to myself.
Well they do. Girls do fart, and in some cases their farts can be super fucked up. Do they stink worse then guys? Sometimes, yes, but in general, no. Everyone knows I'm capable of melting the paint off the walls off just a slice of pizza.
But that’s where the difference is. When I'm eating a slice- people know its coming. So when it does, nothing gets said. Why do they need to? I'm not ashamed. It's not like I'm NOT going to do it in the future. Just open a window. But when the girl who claims she never fart does it, it gets blown out of proportion.
Girls, you don't want us to think your farts are worse? Then you got two options- A) stop farting or B) just admit that you are human and that you pass a little gas every now and again. That’s all we are asking. Allow us to be prepared.
(That, and maybe have a better diet.)
On second thought ladies, why don't we keep the 'fart' talk to a minimum… No man wants to know that his dinner was prepared near exposed garbage.
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