Status Update: I've been gone since November

I took a break in November, somewhat unintentionally. For the first time since I started this thing, I went four months without updating it. My bad.

But I had good reasons. 1, School was, is and always will be a whore. I'm in two writing classes. It was sucking me dry. 2, I was really starting to get pissed off about the NBA being locked out. And lets be honest, there isn't a ton of different ways to say, "Fuck David Stern."

But I'll kick it back up here soon. I'm planning on writing a 'What Would I do if I were in Charge' column about the Blazers after I turn in my finals tomorrow. Truth be told, it's already been written. I'll probably write something about the NFL since I've been gone, something about wrestling, and then the Blazer preview.

And that should take me through the rest of the month. Wish me luck, I'm about to go show this King Lear essay who it's daddy is.

Week 7

Before I get into the picks this week we need to talk about something: HOW THE FUCK DOES CARSON PALMER GO FOR POTENTIALLY TWO FIRST ROUND PICKS!??!?!

Before the season I wrote that I wanted Carson Palmer to be a Seahawk and that he was a better alternative this season than Tavaris Jackson and Chaz Whithurst. I still believe this. But if I woke up the other morning to an ESPN headline that read, " Seahawks send 1 first rounder and potential future first round pick to Cinci for Carson" I would've blacked out.

Now see here Oakland, I wouldn't have traded two first rounders in my Madden Franchise, and atleast there I have the abillity to restart my system if I handicap my team. Look it boils down to this, following the 2006 season Oakland traded Randy Moss to New England for a 4th round draft pick. Nothing more, nothing less. Carson Palmer is worth more then Randy Moss, but not 3 rounds higher PLUS ANOTHER FIRST ROUND PICK.

This trade should've been done with a 3rd round pick with furture considerations, or at best a 2nd rounder. Consider the Raiders issues next year. They'll still have Palmer, they'll have Campbell coming back, and they will still need to find time to develop Tyrell Pryor. Good luck, Oakland.

On to the lines:

• Redskins @ Panthers(-2 1/2) Just when I started saying nice things about the Redskins, Tim Hightower starts to suck for my fantasy team and Rex Grossman remembered who he was. I'll take Carolina, thank you very much.


• Seahawks @ Browns (-3) Chaz Whithurst, lets try this ONE TIME. Please reward my faith.


• Falcons @ Lions (-3 1/2) Megatrons on pace for 20 plus touchdowns. Atlanta's defense allowed Tavaris Jackson to go for 300 yards a few weeks ago. 2 +2= taking the Lions at home.


• Bears (-1) @Buccaneers Sometimes it boils down to this: I don't know the name of Tampa's starting running back today. I'll take Chicago.


• Texans @ Titans (-3) I have a theory that former Tennessee running back, Chris Brown, has kidnapped Chris Johnson and is currently running in his place. On the other sideline, Arian Foster is really, really good. Texans cover.


• Chargers (-2) @ Jets Jets have been disapointing. But I had them making the playoffs and if they are to do that they better start winning. I'll take the Jets to win at home.


• Broncos @ Dolphins (Pk) Tim. Freaking. Teabow.


• Chiefs @ Raiders(-6) I'm not sure if Carson is starting or not. I hope he is for fantasy reasons. I still think KC blows. If Boiler starts though, and I gave KC 6 points I'm going to hate myself. Hue Jackson can't possibly start Kyle Boiler, can he? I'm going to take Oakland, but feel really, really bad about it.


• Steelers (-4) @ Cardinals- Yeah, Arizona is the worst team in the NFC West. Pitt will win, cover and do it convincingly.


• Rams @ Cowboys (-13) Rams are bad. Rams are starting AJ Feely. Cowboys are starting someone I have never heard of at Running Back. St. Louis with the cover ( but Dallas wins).


• Colts @ Saints (-13) Drew Bees has been playing like shit lately. Atleast to his lofty standards. He's got to be a little frustrated. That being said: Saints with the cover and afterwards get arrested for sodomizing the Colts on National TV.


• Packers (-9) @ Vikings To jack a twitter hash tag, #areyouseriousbro? Christian Ponder, please. Packers with the route.


• Ravens (-8 1/2) @ Jaguars See explanation for the Packers game. Blaine Gabbert is going to get dry humped by the Ravens for 60 minutes. Or atleast till he taps out and Luke McCown gets thrown in there to mop up.

Week 6

Have a confession to make: My wife is in Washington DC this weekend watching the Eagles Redskins game ( I love her), and I have had solo parent detail since Thursday. I thought about telling the picks blog to screw off for the second straight week. Woke up this morning with a cramp in my neck, because I slept on the couch after discovering my daughter had released 7 gallons of urine on my bed- point is, I woke up this morning feeling like the universe wanted me to write about todays games.

So here you go, Week 6 picks:

• Rams @ Packers -14 I can't be the only one that thinks this should be like 17 right? Take the Packers.
• Jag's @ Steelers -12.5 Steelers are going to shit on the Jag's so when the meet the Patriots in two weeks people are going to think they will. They'll cover here and get their ass beat by New England.
• Eagles-3 @ Redskins Would you want to play a pissed off Michael Vick? I wouldn't. Philly Covers
• 49ers @ Lions -5 When was the last time someone said, "oh the Lions and Niners game is on tv? Yes!" It's been awhile. Lions win and cover
• Panthers @ Falcons -3.5 Falcones win, Panthers will find a way to cover.
• Bills @ Giants -3.5 I just want to take sometime out to thank the Giants for letting the Seahawks steal that win. New Yorkers are alot nicer than I thought they were. Bills cover.
• Texans @ Ravens -7 - No Andre? Poor Arian. Ravens are going to beat the Texans ass today.
• Browns @ Raiders -7 - I think this will be the game Payton Hillis snaps back. It's just a feeling. Browns cover.
• Cowboys @ Patirots -7 I really hope this is a shootout. Yes, my fantasy teams are heavily invested in the Pats and Cowboys offenses. So here is hoping 45-40 game. I guess by that hope, I'm saying the Cowboys cover. Hopefully I don't get made to look like a fool.
• Saints -6.5 @ Buccaneers Saints win, Buccs cover
• Vikings @ Bears -2.5 are you ready? VIKINGS WILL WIN.
• Miami @ Jets -6.5 the Jets are not playing good football. But for as bad as they are, the Dolphins are playing exponentially worse. The Dolphins are now in the driver seat for Andrew Luck and I fucking hate them for it. Jets cover.

Bound For Glory and Beyond

TNA's flagship PPV, Bound For Glory, is Sunday. I'll be watching it but chances are, there is going to be a time or three where I'm going to wonder what the fuck they are doing. So instead of just bitching about something relentlessly I decided to write out what I would do differently. So I'm going to take the final card as it stands and give you the results if I were in charge (edit note: and alot more. I got on a tangent at the end. Buyer beware.)

• Mexican AMerica(c) vs Ink Inc-



• Aries(c) vs Brian Kendrick



• Winter(c) vs Velvet Sky vs Mickie James vs Madison Rayne-



• Crimson vs Samoa Joe vs Matt Morgan-



• Rob Van Damn vs Jerry Lynn



• AJ Styles vs Christopher Daniels



• Mr. Anderson vs Bully Ray



• Sting vs Hulk Hogan



• Kurt Angle(c) vs Robert Roode

Thats the card. Now here is what I would do if I had control of TNA. Remember this is their Wrestlemania. You want it to feel like a season finale, but also plant seeds for the next PPV. Without further ado, my Bound For Glory card:

Mexican America(c) vs Ink Inc- I think Ink Inc's time is coming. Plus, unless you are returning Homecide to help MA retain, Ink Inc needs to win to continue this story. I say Ink Inc wins the titles, wins the return match at Turning Point and holds untill Chris Sabin returns in the next couple months and reforms Motor City Machine Guns with Alex Shelly sometime in early 2012.

Aries(c) vs Brian Kendrick- With rumors that MA vs II is moved to the pre-show, Aries and Kendrick will absolutely lead off the ppv. Aries just got the title from Brian in September and TNA has mentioned they want to build up the X Division. Aries losing would not do that. I say he wins decisively (not because I want Kendrick to get burried or anything, far from, I just want Aries to look as strong as possible and set up a long, long title run). As for what Aries does after this match, I'm not sure. I guess Alex Shelly doesn't have anything to do untill Sabin gets back, so maybe a mini program with Shelly for the rest of 2011 (or God Forbid you bring back Amazing Red, I'm just saying).

Winter(c) vs Sky vs Rayne vs James- I don't give a shit. Winter should retain since they've been playing hot potatoe with that title for two years now. But it's the KO division, so they won't. Since every girl not named Velvet Sky has held the title this year, they are probably thinking the fans are waiting for Velvet Sky's first run. We aren't. No one has cared since Kong and Kim left.

That being said, if I were booking it, I would have Winter retain but Gail Kim return and have them stair each other down. Not sure what you would build the story over, but this division needs Gail Kim and Gail Kim needs a job.

Crimson vs Somoa Joe vs Matt Morgan- Here is what I believe: Matt Morgan mainevented two Pay Per Views last year and he was probably going to win the BFG series had he not gotten hurt this summer. Crimson is undefeated because of what I can only guess is some attempt at creating a new Goldberg. Hogan and Bischoff seemingly hate, and don't understand, Somoa Joe.

Here is what else I know: Crimson isn't anywhere near ready to step up in the Mainevent. No one gives a shit. Goldberg felt bigger because of the rabid crowds that used to pack out Nitro. TNA needs to take Impact on the road, and show us people give a shit about him before we will.

So if I were booking this: I would have Okada return and take out Crimson while Joe flattens Morgan with a chair or puts him through a table (since I guess Joe is working as the heel here). Joe pins Morgan ( allowing them to keep calling Crimson 'undefeated' like they did with Christian during his TNA run). Joe needs a win, bad. He can be a maineventer if they let him. Saldy, Okada was seemingly let go so this is not going to fly. The idea remains the same. Joe scores the win on Morgan.(what will TNA do though? Morgan beats Joe with a carbon foot print and I throw a channel changer through a wall).

Edit Note:Which ever rout they go, Joe or Morgan, they need to rack up wins at Turning Point and Final Resolution so they can be primed for a title match at Genesis. I'll explain later on.

Rob Van Dam vs Jerry Lynn-Full Metal Meyham- When I was originally thinking about this match, I would've had Jerry Lynn win so they could get one more match between the two at Turing Point in November. But Full Metal Meyham is typically a match that puts an exclamation point on a feud. Rob Van Dam is going to be around after this feud; Jerry Lynn, probably not. So I'm torn.

Would Jerry Lynn really stick around just to drop two ppv matches with Van Dam? And if they ended this feud on Sunday, who is RVD got next? The Sting and Anderson boats have left the station and he spent the end of the summer in the BFG series. OK, I'm back on the Lynn boat.

Lynn wins in an incredibly violent match. We are talking blood everywhere. It's going to start a Randy 'The Ram' Chant, trust me. This will set up a RVD v Lynn loser leaves TNA match at Turning Point.

AJ Styles vs Christopher Daniels- If Vince Russo has a hand in booking this match, Kaz will run in and turn on AJ allowing Daniels to win and further splintering Fortune. Hopefully, he isn't allowed in the same room as the bookers for this match.

AJ Styles can win here and they can continue this feud one more PPV if they want. Daniels and AJ have that kind of history, and Daniels has that kind of credibillity. Also, AJ styles needs to be in the mainevent. Losing at BFG is not the way to do that. AJ Styles wins via Spinal Tap (thats right, ST is getting dusted off and brought out).

Bully Ray vs Ken Anderson- Falls Count Anywhere- Personally, I need a break from Anderson. I love him, but TNA creative really fucked him up this year. He started out so hot too. But the combonation of quick title runs and multiple face/heel turns Anderson has gotten stale. He has picked it up lately, but I need him away from the Mainevent for a minute or three. I'd have Bully Ray win. You can have Anderson get his ass beat hard enough to stay off tv or you could do this...

Ray and Anderson start the fight backstage. THey take this fight EVERYWHERE. Like the Pope vs Suicide from two years ago, only super violent. After ten minutes or so, they head to the ring. Both hemoraging blood. Immortal comes out and jumps Anderson. They beat the snot out of him. Ray scores the win. Immortal continues the beating of Ken Anderson.

HERE COMES JEFF HARDY. Immortal leaves the ring as Hardy huffs and puffs in the ring with whatever weapon he came with. Jarrett, who is standing outside the ring with Gunner and Abyss (because Ray has gone to the back to get his head patched up), gets on the mic and says, "boy, you stuck your nose in the wrong groups business." as Immortal circles the ring. Hardy grabs a mic and says, "if we are going to do this, lets do this right. You 3, on us 3."

Fortunes music hits and James Storm and Kaz come out to join with Jeff Hardy for a six man tag match.

James Storm, Kaz and Jeff Hardy vs Abyss, Gunner and Jeff Jarrett-Gunner is going to wrestle most of the match, and Abyss is going to show no interest in coming in. This is going ot upset Gunner who spends alot of time barking at Abyss in between moves. The finish comes when Abyss (who has shown to have issues with his treatment in the group), give Gunner a Black Hole Slam and walks away. Jarrett then finds himself 1-3. Storm, Kaz and Hardy corner him. Storm drills Jarrett with the Super Kick, right into Kaz's Fade to Black, and Jeff Hardy finishes it off with a Swanton.

Hardy gets his first win back, gets a sign of approval from the top face faction in TNA, Anderson takes a tv timeout to recharge his character and Gunner v Abyss is locked and ready to go into one of those typical violent Abyss feuds for the rest of the year. Gunner needs a mean streak and Abyss can bring it out.

Hulk Hogan vs Sting- Street Fight for Control of TNA- Hogan's contract supposedly just got extended another 2 years. Hopefully that was a cover up to save the match's finish after it had been leaked that Hogans deal was expiring. I'm going to say Sting wins, and due to Hogans physical condition, he wins quickly. Dixie regains control.

Kurt Angle(c) vs Robert Roode- Roode has been so hot lately he has fire shooting out of his ass. He won the BFG series, and just to further prove that he could win the title he has beat everyone in his group and won in a handicapped match on Impact last night. TNA is telling us ' Roode could win this thing!' by giving him impressive win after win. I say he is losing.

Angle wins after a match with an insane amount of near falls. Much like the Angle/Hardy at No Surrender '10. Picture that match without the extra time bit.

Here is why I would do that: 1, Roode hasn't had a singles feud in like 3 years. I need to see a guy in a top storyline before I have him win the top title at the top event. Feel me? Angle needs to keep it. Plus, I gave the Philly crowd an AJ Styles, Sting, and Jeff Hardy win. You gotta give a little to get a little.

So what happesn after Roode loses? Glad you asked. After the match, Angle goes to shake Roodes hand like he did with Morgan at BFG '09, and when Roode goes to accept Angle flips him off and walks off.

Roode comes out on Impact next week and tells the world that "Bound For Glory was the biggest match of my career. I put it all on the line, and came up a little short. When I was laying on the mat, after the 1-2-3, I was crushed. But I lost to Kurt Angle, at Bound For Glory, so it is, what it is. But then Kurt had to humilliate me. On the biggest night of my career. Now this is personal." He proceeds to challenge Angle again at Turning Point for the title. Angle originally tells him he doesn't deserve it, but since Dixie Carter is back in control (after the Sting win) she makes the match official as a 'fuck you' to Kurt. He comes up short again, maybe this time Angle retains by a blind chair shot.

Now Roode is starting to get pretty bent up over it. He wants another chance. Dixie says she can't just give him another title match, now he has to go back out and earn it again. So she sets up a 10 man battle royal with Somoa Joe, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, RVD, Jerry Lynn, Matt Morgan, Robert Roode, Bully Ray, Eric Young, and Jeff Hardy.

AJ Styles eliminates Robert Roode to win the title and it's AJ Styles vs Kurt Angle at Final Resolution. This sets up Robert Roode snapping, like Christian and turning Heel at Final Resolution costing AJ the title. This can branch into a couple cool stories. 1, the obvious, AJ vs Roode both chasing the title. 2, the lesser but equally as enteraining, where is Storm going to side. He is Roodes tag team partner, but he is a member of Fortune. Kaz will be very curious, boarderline harrassing Storm to announce his intentions.

This can set up a scenerio where AJ Styles vs Robert Roode at Genesis with Kaz and Storm at ringside to make sure nothing fishy happens. AJ Styles loses when Storm enters the ring and super kicks him into Roodes Spinebuster. This gives Roode another big win but keeps AJ with a claim to the mainevent. At Against All Odds we are treated to AJ Styles vs Kurt Angle vs Robert Roode, and AJ Styles wins the title (also Kaz and Storm are now going to beef).

Fuck, I love this story so I'm going to keep going. Kurt Angle obviously gets a rematch, so you gotta keep Roode occupied for a month while Angle and AJ go at it again. Enter Crimson and his now year and some change undefeated streak. He wants a title match, Roode wants another one. They are set to do battle at Victory Road, which thanks to a James Storm super kick (he has become Roodes unofficial body guard- slave boy) Roode beats Crimson ending his streak (that no one really cares about but it's great for storyline purposes). Crimson is now invested in this story with LOCKDOWN coming up. A Pay Per View famous for having 4 v 4 cage matches.

So the Mainevent of Lockdown is AJ Styles, Kaz, Crimson and ______(insert someone else) vs Robert Roode, James Storm, (insert two wrestler preferably someone who is feuding with the forth man on AJ's team). Roode needs another win to build his world title case, and he gets that win over Kaz.

This all leads to the final showdown between AJ Styles, the champion, and Robert Roode at Sacrafice. Make this a 30-35 minute classic, and finally, Robert Roode goes over on AJ Styles. Setting him for a long summer run, possibly taking the title into Bound For Glory.

You're welcome TNA.

Status Update

I was out of town last weekend so I didn't get around to writing about the week 4 lines. Don't you worry your little faces anymore, I'll have the week 5 lines posted by Saturday.

Before I go away, Seahawks are two blown special team plays and one missed field goal away 4-0. They've played 3 of those games on the road. Somehow, despite some stetches of brutal play, the Hawks go into their bye week at 2-2.

Andrew Luck, enjoy Miami.

Week 4: BW Returns

I admit it, I can be a bit of a dumbass. Sometimes I get to multitasking, and when I do, it's not uncommon for me to screw up whatever it is I am doing. For example: maybe instead of writing lecture notes in class, I'm working on my picks column. And when it comes time to do something simple, again for this is for instance, maybe I don't look very hard at a score/line and I give myself a loss when it should be a win. Or maybe a win when it should've been a push.

Ok, I gotta come clean. I did that. So I went back, and re evaluated my season so far. My legit record against the spread is 25-20-3 and thats after a 10-6 week 3.

As punishment for my oversight, I've invited the Born Winner back this week for his second guest column. He felt my picks were missing perspective-and that being the perspective of a degenerate gambler. Which he is.

Before I send you off to BW's picks, here is a quick rundown of my week four:

Saints -7 over Jags

Lions +1 over Cowboys

49ers +9 over Eagles

Rams +2 1/2 over Redskins

Titans PK over Browns

Vikings -1 1/2 over Chiefs

Bills -3 over Bengals

Bears 6 1/2 over Panthers

Steelers +3 1/2 over Texans

Gaints -1 over Cardinals

Seattle + 4 1/2 over Falcons

Patirots -5 over Raiders

Packers -12 1/2 over Broncos

Chargers -7 over Dolphins

Jets +3 over Ravens

Buccaneers -10 1/2 over Colts

Now that thats taken care of, Here is BW's thoughts on Week 4:


My picks column will be a little different than Andy's because I don't care about every single game, so if I don't like either team I am not going to pick one of them. The main reason being I actually bet on the games. I have also been messing around with some teasers this year to mixed success, so I'm going to talk about a teaser I like this week.

Another theme I have tried to keep with this year is I have selected a couple of teams that I think are better than Vegas and the general public; and a couple of teams that are worse. I check who these teams are playing every week and see if the value is better or worse.

The team I pick in each game is the one in Bold.

Teams I think are worse:
49'ers- Terrible all around, don't score points, bad in the Red Zone. The type of team that can be shutout.
Panthers- I don't believe in Cam Newton, he will regress.
Falcons- Mediocre offensively and defensively, get lumped in with the great teams.
Ravens- Worse than people think defensively, I don't trust Flacco in big games.
Steelers- Offensive line is so abysmal they can lose to any team as they proved on Sunday night by almost losing to the beaten down colts.

Teams I think are better:
Broncos- They can still score points, if they are a big underdog I will take them and hope for them to cover.
Bucs- Solid offensively and defensively, I like them in low point spread games to win.
Giants- Like the Broncos, they aren't very good overall, but they can score a lot of points and cover spreads.


49'ers @ Eagles -2
Dolphins @ Chargers PK
Patriots +1 @ Raiders

I chose a 7 point teaser to drop all of these lines by 7.

Eagles- I think the Niners are terrible and there is very little chance they can win on the road. That being said I don't think the Eagles would cover the normal -9 spread in this game. The Eagles are in a must win situation after losing two straight.

Chargers- Once again I like the home favorite. The Dolphins aren't terrible, but I would be pretty surprised if Henne was able to pull it out on the road.

Patriots- If the Patriots lose two straight to the Bills and the Raiders the world will end.

Lions at Cowboys pk- I Don't like this game at all. The Lions are overvalued right now due to a hot start and I will probably be picking against them in the future, but I don't think this is the game to start. The Cowboys can literally lose to anyone any day and they are beat up, but I could see this game going either way.

Saints -8@ Jaguars- I like the Saints a lot in this game Jacksonville is terrible, they are a one-dimensional team that can only run the ball with a porous defense. There is no way they keep up with the high flying Saints attack. That being said the Saints have been in some close games this year and the Jags have a knack for getting lucky.

Redskins @ Rams +2.5- Stay away game. Rams desperately need a win at home here, and everyone knows they are still in the hunt for the putrid NFC West despite being winless. I haven't decided if they REALLY suck yet or if they just kind of suck.

Titans @ Browns PK- Stay away, I would have liked the Titans in this one with the big play ability of Kenny Britt. The way Chris Johnson looks right now he could be out of the league in two years. I don't know why teams keep paying for RB's when cheap options pop up out of nowhere every year. Watching the Titans just makes me sad and miss Matt Hasselback.

Bills @ Bengals +4- The Bills sure put up a lot of points with a lot of nobodies. I don't see the Bengals offense keeping up with them in this one, but this game will be closer than people think. Bills games always come down to the final 8 minutes.

Vikings @ Chiefs +3- I really like the Vikes in this one. They blew double digit halftime leads in their first three games against a couple of decent teams. I don't see them going 0-4. Thomas Jones is a corpse and Mccluster is too small, the Chiefs are going to have a hard time running the ball, and you never want to have money on Matt Cassel airing the ball out.

Panthers @ Bears -6.5- I have heard a lot of people liking the Panthers in this one, but I absolutely don't trust Newton on the road. I think he does his best Jay Cutler impersonation in this one with a couple of interceptions with at least one going to the house. I am absolutely certain this will happen because I am playing the Bears D in fantasy this week and I am 0-3.

Steelers @ Texans -3.5- I grabbed the Texans in this one at -3 and I like them a lot more there. Ben is going to get hit a lot in this one and Joseph should be able to contain Mike Wallace from having a big game. This one is going to be high scoring. So you might want to grab the over of 45 in this one too.

Falcons @ Seahawks +6- As a Hawks fan I hate to pick against them, especially at home. I also think Tavaris is the worst starting QB of the last 5 years. That being said I still hate the Falcons overall and could see this game coming down to a field goal. All of that adds up to a stayaway. Bonus tip: Roddy White scores at least 1 TD in this game. Marcus Trufant couldn't cover me on a fade route.

Giants -3@ Cardinals- Last week the Cardinals scored 10 points on the Seahawks. The Giants D isn't much better than the Hawks but their offense is. I am riding the Giants this year for better or worse.

Broncos +13 @ Packers- Once again, the Broncos can put up points and I like the points in this one.

Jets +3.5 @ Ravens- This feels like a close game to me and once again I don't trust Flacco in Sunday night games. Also, all of the Sunday night games this season have come down to the wire and I don't expect that to be any different this week.

Colts +10 @ Bucs- The Bucs have a knack of stinking it up in the first half which should keep the Colts from having Painter air it out. After watching Painter last week it was obvious why the Colts brought in Collins and it is inexplicable why Reggie Wayne was upset about this.

I put my money where my mouth is on:
Giants
Texans
Vikings

Week 3

Last Sunday was the ultimate protrayal of the current state of Northwest sports. While the Blazers (and the rest of the NBA) remain locked out, the Mariners and Seahawks both took the field on Sunday and combined for a total score of 0 points. Pittsburgh made a Vegas regret only giving Seattle 15 points, while Texas blanked the M's (again) 3-0.To add salt to an already gaping wound, it was the second to last Felix start of the season.

Our region is truly becoming a Shakespearian tradgety of the sports world (this would not be a good time for Soccer fans to speak up and talk about the Sounders and/or Timbers).

I hope the Seahawks show some pride this week. They have their home opener and they are playing Arizona. This is a perfect time for a first win. Marshawn is going to need more then 22 yards to make that happen though ( only 19 carries for 44 yards on the season).

If Seattle loses, expect me to place an order for my official Andrew Luck jersey sometime mid week.

Now on for the picks:

• 49ers @ Bengals (-1 1/2) Alex Smith on the road? Yuck. That being said, do I see a rookie QB lead Bengals team starting off 2-1? No I do not. Niners win.
  


• Jaguars @ Panthers (-3 1/2) Did you know that Cam Newton has thrown for 400 yards in back to back games to start his career? Oh you did?! ESPN mentioned that?! I didn't know... Typically, I would say something like 'all good things come to an end, expect Newton to suck ass' but he is lucking out and playing the Jaguars this week. Carolina for the win, and expect that comment next week.
  


• Lions (-3 1/2) @ Vikings I played this game on Madden, with both teams coming in with their real life records, and the Vikings won. Convincingly. Detroit, on the other hand, already beat a a playoff caliber team on the road (Tampa, week1 ). Plus, unfortunately for my fantasy team, I don't see AP going for 225 yards and 3 scores. Take Detroit.



• Broncos @ Titans (-7) Remember when Seattle officially ended negotiations with Hasselbeck causing cheers out of a suprising number of Seahawk fans? Apparently they thought Seattles inabillity to give him any protection over the last couple seasons was his fault. Fast forward to this season, Hasselbeck is playing with the Titans and despite only being on their team for 7 weeks has two 300 yard games and led the Titans to a win over the Ravens. I hate to say I told you so, but I did say it. Broncos cover, Titans win.
  


• Dolphins @ Browns (1 1/2) Despite that Miami is desperate for a win and their recent road successes, I still am going to lean on the home team this week. I'm taking Cleveland. (EDIT NOTE: Sunday morning Browns starting running back Payton Hillis checked into the Madden Curse Hotel. He was a game time scratch)
  


• Giants @ Eagles (-7 1/2) Do I think the Eagles can beat the Giants by over a touchdown at home? Well, being that Vick has yet to go off yet this year, yes I do. But since I'm facing Vick in both my leagues, I'm going to pray the Giants keep it close. Giants cover, Eagles win.
  


• Texans @ Saints (-4) Hey Texans, you looked great against the Colts. Now lets see how you look against the Saints. I say good luck keeping up, Saints cover.
  


• Patriots (-7 1/2) @ Bills I wish I was home to watch this game. I won't be. Is Ryan Fitzpatrick really good? Well yeah, probably. But he isn't a top 5 QB and thats what Buffalo would need to stay in this game. It's going to end like 42-28 in favor of New England.
  


• Cheifs @ Chargers (-14 1/2) If Kansas can't keep this game respectable, fire Todd Haley. Fire him swiftly. They have been outscored 89-10 this season. Another ass beating would be the nail in the coffin for both their season and Haley's job. That being said, I predict ass whoopin. Chargers cover (and midway throught he third quarter I'll need a cigerette after Vincent Jackson eclipses the 200 yard recieving marker).
  


• Ravens (-4 1/2)@ Rams Rams were supposed to be a good team. Misfortune has yet again reared her ugly head upon this midwestern franchise and they have stumbled out the blocks on an 0-2 start. Misfortune, apparently a super bitch, has sent Baltimore into town following a loss. Raven's gonna kick some ass tonight. Expect Ravens to cover, and Ray Rice to make all of his fantasy owners very, very wet.
  


• Jets (-3) @ Raiders-I think the Raiders will win in the neighborhood of 7 games this year. This is not one of them. Jets Cover.
  


• Falcons @ Buccaneers - Pick 'em- I pick Tampa ( only for the reason that I have already picked 5 road teams and I still have the Packers and Steelers games to pick).



• Cardinals (-3 1/2) @ Seahawks the Seahawks are not good. Atleast on the road. We haven't seen them in the hostile clutches of Qwest (I mean CenturyLink) Field yet. Hawks will cover or I will drink.
  


• Packers (-4) @ Bears So is Chicago good or are they bad? Who really knows? This week is not the week for answers though. Take the Packers.



• Steelers (-11) @ Colts Poor state of Indiana. If Pitt covered the -15 1/2 last week against Seattle, they sure as shit are going to cover -11 against the Colts (of course since I picked Seattle to cover last week against that monster 15 point cushion, expect both KC and Indy to make me look like an asshole). Pitt covers.
  


• Redskins @ Cowboys (-4 1/2) Miles Austin is out. Felix Jones is banged up. Romo has seemingly everything but bullet wounds. Skins cover.

Week 2

Every year I run multiple Fantasy Football franchises. Not because I'm ADDICTED to FF, rather it's because I love to draft the fantasy teams. In fact, I love it so much a couple years ago it got a little out of control and I over extended myself, fantasy wise. That resulted in me installing the 2 team Max limit of two years ago. I decided this because the more teams you have, the more your attention gets divided. You start blending the teams, and run the embarrassing risk of actions like: Thinking you set your teams but end up forgetting to do one, or offering players in trades that you actually don't have in that league.

It's not good business. So two, I find, is a nice number.

I have also found that in a given season I usually have one really good team, and one not so good team. Last year in my ESPN league, I had the best record in the regular season and lost the championship game (for the second year in a row). On the flipside, my Yahoo league I won like 3 games (I have a logical excuse for that mishap: I was very drunk during the draft. Self imposed Fantasy Rule #2, Don't Drink During the Draft).

I have since dropped out of the Yahoo league and started up another Fantasy League on ESPN. From here forward, the new league will be refered to as the 'Vancouver League' while my old one will be refered to as 'The Highschool League'.

Don't worry, I won't talk much about my fantasy team. I know that listening/reading about someone elses fantasy league is about as fun as sitting on a broom handle, so I will regulate the amount of attention I call to them.

That being said, both teams lost last week and I'd like to thank Stephen Jackson and Ben Roethlisberger for both of them. Stephen Jackson, who injured himself on a 47 yard touchdown, will now be referred to as "Stephanie Jackson" untill further notice. It's also to be noted that Stephanie probably won't be playing this week due to a 'strained quad' which is medical speak for bloating and an excessively bloody vagina.

Ben Roethlisberger, who has found his way as my starting QB in both leagues, seemingly went out of his way to fuck me. In his season opener, he lead his Pittsburgh Steelers to an amazing 35-7 ass beating at the hands of the Ravens, in a game where he turned the ball over 5 times. 2 fumbles, 3 picks. Now I can't back this up with fact, but I'm pretty sure thats the worst game I've ever had from my starting QB slot. Ever.

Luckily, he is playing my Seahawks this week, so he should bounce back nicely, while simultaniously making me want to vomit (due to the dismantiling of my Seahawks). Its a classic case of the Fantasy players plight: When one of your big guns is playing your favorite team. The only thing you can really hope for is a 45-37 win (for the Hawks, of course) with Roethlisburger going for 5 Td's.

Unfortunately, it's a waste of time to hope for that, since the Seahawks are still running out Tavaris Jackson. Knowing my luck, David Hawethorne will probably light Big Ben up on the second play of the game, instantly killing him, and I will get to watch Charlie Batch ( or whoever is the back up QB for the Steelers) set a league record with 10 passing touchdowns as Pitt runs over Seattle 70-3.

Now Lets talk about this week, before my imagination convinces me this will actually happen and I swallow a bullet:

• Jacksonville @ New York Jets (-10) If the Jets only win by 11, they should be embarrassed. Take the Jets.



• Bears @ Saints (-7) We heard in the offseason that Culter came into camp focused and ready for blood. He promptly went out and torched NFC favorite Atlanta Falcons for a cool 300+ yards. That being said, I don't see the Saints starting the season 0-2. Saints win, Bears cover.



• Oakland @ Buffalo (-3) Who knows. When in doubt, don't take the team playing across the country on a short week. Ladies and Gents, take Buffalo.



• Arizona @ Washington (-3) I got a fantasy prediction for you: Tim Hightower torches his former team for 3 scores, giving me a boner and promply leading me to trading him for 700 percent of his true value. Washington wins and covers.



• Ravens (-7) @ Tennessee- hmmmm. DO I think the Ravens can cover playing on the road a week after shitting all over the defending AFC champions. Yes, yes I do. Ravens win and cover.



• Seattle @ Pittsburg(-15)- 15!?!? Let me get this straight, I'm supposed to think my Seattle Seahawks are going to get blown out by over 2 touchdowns when we have Matty Hass...wait, what? Oh my God you mean that Tavaris thing wasn't a dream?! He REALLY is my Quarterback. Fuck. Nevermind, 15 might be safe. I'm going to go on record and say Seattle stays within 15. Of course I say this not because I believe it, but because I'm praying to God they can. Seattle covers, Pitt wins.



• Packers (-11) @ Panthers- A lot of people freaked out over Cam Newton's debute last week. And for good reason, he went for over 400 yards. That makes them look like one of those teams that gets lopsided spreads all year and covers alot by shitty, meaningless, 4th quarter touchdowns. That being said, covering may be difficult after Clay Mathews has dry humped Cam all day long and Aaron Rodgers has hung 45 on them. Take the Pack.



• Tampa Bay @ Minnesota(-2 1/2) Untill Minnesota learns to give Adrian Peterson the ball 28+ times, they can go fuck themselves. I say Tampa wins and obviously covers.



• Kansas City @ Detroit(-9)- Here is what we know about this match up. Kansas City got blown out by Buffalo, at home. They have also lost their best defensive player for the season. Detroit beat the piss out of Tampa, on the road. They did not lose their best player. Kansas City made the playoffs last year, Detroit hasn't won 7 games since I've had a drivers license. I guess what I'm getting at is Detroit wins and covers.



• Cleveland(-1) @ Indianapolis- sometimes it's as easy as Colt McCoy is better than Kerry Collins. Browns win and cover.



• Dallas (-2 1/2) @ San Fransisco- Dallas beat up on the Jets for 3 quarters last week. The 49ers almost gave a game to the Seahawks where they had a 16 point lead at halftime. Cowboys are the team I picked to win the East, so naturally I think they will beat the shit out of SF. Dallas wins by at least a touchdown.



• Houston (-2 1/2) @ Miami- I still think Miami is shitty and has a real possibillity of starting Andrew Luck next year. Take the Texans for the win and cover.



• San Diego @ New England (-8)- If New England is ever to lose a game at home the rest of this decade, this be the one. I don't think it will be, but I also think San Diego stays close enough to cover. New England wins, San Diego covers.



• Cincinnati vs Denver (-3) The only way I would ever be interested in this game is if I was told before hand that Scarlett Johanasson was going to be roaming the sidelines naked. Sadly, she is not. That beging said, I see Tim Tebow continuing the use of his Anti-Kyle Orton black magic from the sideline, causing damn near a riot in the crowd and costing the Broncos the game. Take whatever team plays Denver in Denver untill Tebow gets put in the lineup, hurt, or cut. EDIT NOTE: I'm not saying Denver is going to lose this game, just that Cinci will cover.



• Philladelphia (-1) @ Atlanta- Legend has it is that Michael Vick stil has a warm spot in the heart of ATLians everywhere. So I guess the life long tradition of lustily booing former franchise players is going to be on hold here. Unfortunate. Atlanta is going to 0-2. Obviously, Philly covers.



• St.Louis vs New York Giants(-7)- I'm calling it right now, I'll be watching Raw and the Charlie Sheen Roast instead of this. Here is hoping Stepahnie sack's up and plays. My team needs it. St Louis needs it. St. Louis covers, New York wins.

WEEK 1: Predictions and Promises

Thank God, the NFL is back.

And oh boy is it ever back. That Saints/Packers game was a classic. At one point, I believe it was when Rodgers was leading the Packers to their 21 points in the first quarter, I called my dad and theorized that Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth were actually playing a game of Madden 12.

Drew Brees and Rodgers did the Quarterback position a disservice by making it look so easy. They looked so good it was almost like they were calling the Defensive plays too.

And as a Drew Brees fantasy owner, I couldn't have been more tickled pink by his performance. I traded for him and a slew of other players for Michael Vick yesterday and felt like I betrayed a family member. 410 yards and 3 scores later, I feel good about my decision.

I almost felt incredible about my decision, but Sean Payton called a running play on the goalline with no time remaining in a move that had me cursing his name all night.

In the end, the Pack stuffed Mark Ingram instead of Drew Brees finding Jimmy Graham, and the Packers start the season 1-0.

Now its time to get on the record for the rest of the season (by the way, I had Pack winning 31-28.... so, so close). I'm going to try and do a weekly update through out the season about fantasy related issues and previewing upcoming games. We'll see how that works out though, remember, I am freshly married (in the process of adopting our daughter), working full time and going to school. So weekly updates could be a pipe dream. We'll see.

Lets start by looking at the games this week:

• Bills at Cheifs(-5 1/2) I think Charlie Sheen has a better chance of getting sober then Kansas City has in making the playoffs this year. Same with Buffalo. That being said, Stevie Johnson was a key member of my fantasy team last year. So I feel obligated to pick Buffalo. That being said, I will not be picking them to win in Arrowhead. KC wins but doesn't cover.



• Lions at Buccaneers (-1) I love LaGarrette Blount . So much, that I spell checked his first name to make sure I got it right. I did. Bucc's win. EDIT NOTE: Despite my Declaration that I had infact spelt Blount's name right- I didn't. On the original post, I didn't captialize the 'G'. We can all thank the Born Winner for pointing this out and simultaneously ruining my day



• Falcons(-3) at Bears Everyone thinks Chicago is destined to return to the celler of the NFC north this year. Alot of people also think Atlanta will regress. I have no feelings towards both teams. However, I did meet Bears fans on my honeymoon, so in honor of them- Chicago wins and we get to listen to a week of 'Jake Cutler is finally delivering the goods' stories.



• Eagles(-4 1/2) at Rams True or False, the St Louis Rams are your 2011 NFC West champions. False, the season hasn't started yet, dumbass. That being said, for fantasy purposes I hope Steven Jackson runs up and down on the Eagles and Michael Vick has a prison flash back (since I just traded him and Santonio Holmes for Drew Breese, Tim Hightower, Vincent Jackson and Danny Armendola).Sadly, I'm picking Eagles to win and cover.



• Colts at Texans (-9) Texans win, cover, and we begin the Colts impression of the season the Spurs tanked for Tim Duncan.



• Bengals at Browns (-7) Colt McCoy vs Andy Dalton, and this game isn't on my tv? How is that possible. In related news, Carson Palmer is still not a Seahawk. Bengals blow, Browns win and cover.



• Steelers at Ravens (-1) Years ago I made a rule that I will never bet against Tom Brady. It was a combonation of his 3 Superbowls and ultimately him saving my life during his 07 season. Ben Rothlisberger isn't quite 'Don't Ever Bet Against' but he is close. Dude just wins games. On the flipside, Joe Flacco does not inspire such confidence. Assualtisberger for the win.



• Titans at Jag's (-1) This game is going to suck for one of two reasons. Either the Titans look good, and I will spend the rest of my season missing Matt Hasselbeck (which I probably will regardless). Or the Titans suck and this game is unwatchable- since the Jag's will absolutely suck. Titans win, cover, and some.



• Panthers at Cardinals (-7) I want to say the Panthers cover, because I really don't like the Cardinals. But a rookie quarterback, on the road, in his first game? I gotta take AZ. Damn.



• Seahawks at Niners (-51/2) Screw the Niners, and screw conventional wisdom. Seahawks cover, win, then burn the city of San Fran to the ground for good measure. YOU HEAR ME TEEJAY!?!?! If you are reading this SEATTLE IS TAKING YOU DOWN.



• Giants (-3) at Redskins I'm officially driving Tim Hightowers bandwagon, please purchase your ticket before we leave the station. We will not come back for you. Redskins win.



• Vikings at Chargers (-9) I hate when Running Backs get paid. Thank Shaun Alexander for that. Adrian Peterson just pulled in a 100 million dollar extension. So I should hate Adrian Peterson, right? Well I don't. He is still the best RB alive. Chargers win, but the Vikes cover.



• Cowboys at Jets (5 1/2) Cowboys for the win. Thats all I'm going to say. If I stay on this game longer, I'm likely to change my opinion.



• Patriots (-7) at Miami Boil this one down to Henne vs Brady and you get my answer. Never Bet Against Brady is the cousin to Never Bet On Henne. They could've set this line at -10 and I would've bet on Brady to cover.



• Raiders at Bronco (-3) Denver seems like an organization that is ran with effiency and general know how. They hired Josh McDaniels two years ago to replace Mike Shannahan, quickly recognized their error and fired him during his second season. On the flipside, Al Davis runs his Raiders like he is a Sheik. He fired Tom Cable after he produced what might be the best Raider team in half a decade. Denver wins.
  

Now last year we started the Division predictions. Lets continue this tradition. In case you were wondering, Jesse did correctly pick the Superbowl winner. So he's got that going for him. And like last year, we took it to the pannel (we were going to do full division predictions, but the Born Winner fucked it up. So here are the playoff teams)

ME: St. Louis, Green Bay, New Orleands, Dallas Philladelphia(Wild Card) and Atlanta (Wild Card) San Diego, Pittsburg, Tennessee, New England, Baltimore (Wild Card) and New York (WIld Card) SUPERBOWL- New England over Green Bay

Jesse: St Louis, Green Bay, Atlanta, Dallas, New Orleans (Wild Card) and Philladelphia (Wild Card) San Diego, Pittsburg, Houston, New England, New York (Wild Card) and Baltimore (Wild Card) SUPERBOWL- Green Bay over Pittsburg
Born Winner: St Louis, Green Bay, Tampa Bay Philladelphia, Dallas (Wild Card) and New Orleans(Wild Card) Denver, Pittsburg, Houston, New England, Cleveland (Wild Card) and New York (wild card) SUPERBOWL- New England over Green Bay

Couple interesting things to consider with these predictions, all three of us picked St Louis to win the NFC West, so that means Seattle will find a way to do it again. We also picked Green Bay to return, meaning Philladelphia will probably be as good as advertised and run through.

I Dream of....Carson?

A week from now the Seattle Seahawks will begin their 2011 campaign against those Asshats from San Fransico- the 49ers. I'm not sure how I feel right now about the Hawks. For the second straight year (atleast with Carroll in control) we have tons of questions heading into the first week of the season. Having a lockout shrink the development time of this team didn't help and either did scrapping Matt Hasselbeck.

Next Sunday, Tavaris Jackson makes his first regular season start for the Seahawks. Boy does that sentence bring up a lot of hard hitting questions. Questions like: What the hell?! Why did we get rid of Hasselbeck again? And what happens if Tavaris blows (which is a very, very, very real possibillity)?

Luckily I'm a professional when it comes to speculation, so I'll answer all three at once: I don't know. I don't know what management is thinking with replacing Hasselbeck with T Jack, and it's not like Chaz Whitehurst (aka Charlie Whitehurst, aka our 2nd string QB) is any less of a headache. And to be honest, I'm forcing myself to not think about the potential devistation at the QB position. It's too depressing. So for the last couple days, I've found something else to focus my brain waves on.

Lately, I have thinking about Carson Palmer.

Why am I thinking about a partially retired, former Trojan, who despite his apperences on a number of all pro teams, never quite lived up to his potential?

Simple. Carson Palmer is better then Tavaris or Chaz. And the rest of the Seahawks team looks like it could be good.

Why do I think he could be a Seahawk? Well, because Carson Palmer has yet to report to the Bengals. After last season, he told Bengals management they could trade him, cut him, or he'll retire. The Bengals Mike Brown responded and has said time, and time again that they will not be parting ways with Carson, and his only way out IS retirement. Ironically, by taking a hard edge, 'fuck you' stance with their former franchise QB, the Bengals have potentially once again sat their franchise on a broom handle.

The Bengals prepared for L.A.C (Life After Carson) by drafting Andy Dalton to replace him. They have since made him the Week 1 starting Quarterback. They are officially all in on the Andy Dalton era in Cincinnatti. Which seems find and dandy, except when all Carson Palmer has to do is report to the team and sodomizes the immediate future of the franchise. By just showing up, Carson Palmer puts the Bengals on the hook for 11 million dollars(and thats GUARANTEED).
If Palmer does this, he has pinned Brown in an awkward situation. Brown obviously would like to stand firm, like he did a few seasons ago with OchoCinco, when he tried to force his way out. OchoCinco demanded a trade, Mike Brown told him, 'no,' and Ocho eventually came to camp to collect his check and play for the Bengals.

But by the Bengals being proactive in replacing Palmer, if he shows up, you can't just tell Dalton, "oh, Carsons the starter now." You don't want to begin a relationship with your franchise Quarterback by benching him before he gets a chance to screw up. On the other hand, you don't want to pay a back up quarterback 11 million dollars (GUARENTEED!).

Mike Brown would have to give in and cut or trade the former Heisman winner(of course this is all speculation of how a NORMAL team would think, and I am not taking account for how people within the Bengals organization might screw this up).

If/When Palmer becomes availible, name me another team that would be more desperate to get him then Seattle?

5 months ago, my brother texted me and said, "Seattle's getting Carson Palmer," to which I responded, "if they do I will slit my wrists." I was violently opposed to Carson Palmer reuniting with his college coach. I just kept flashing back to a week 1 ass beating at the hands of the Patriots, where despite the high yard total he put up, he looked awful. The only thing he did consistently in that game was throw balls at Terrell Owens and OchoCinco's feet.

After three weeks of trying to talk myself into the Tavaris Jackson Experience with lines like, "he's thrown more career touchdowns then picks," and "he's familiar with Sidney Rice," or my favorite, "he'll be better when the o-line gells together." I would like to retard the intensity of my anti Carson Palmer sentiments.

Carson Palmer finished with a rather confusing season. Whenever the Bengals were on tv,I remember thinking, 'damn, he looks terrible' like I did during the Patriots game. However Palmer, who is a 2 time pro-bowler, finished 2010 with 26 TD's and 3900 yards. His completion percentage was at 61.8 percent (his career completion percentage is 62)and he threw the ball more then he has in his entire career. So the stats tell a different story (except he did throw 20 picks, so that crappy part was true).

So while I was once adamantly against Palmer wearing blue, I find myself asking questions like, "was it just the stink of the Bengals bringing him down?" "maybe a change of scenery would do him good." I don't know. I don't know these answers. All I'm saying is it could be worth exploring.

Because the one thing I DO KNOW, is that according to this preseason, T-Jack and Chaz aren't the answers to anyones questions.

Mariners: August in Review

I've got to be honest, I've checked out on the 2011 season. At the end of June, I disconnected my cable to save money for my wedding. In July, the wheels fell off the bandwagon and I managed to keep tabs in horrified curiosity. However, August saw me take on tasks like, de-bachelor my apartment, participate in my Honeymoon (where I was unable to check ESPN) and then start school up again.

I'm a full time dad, full time husband, full time employee of a nationally recognized financial institution, and a part time student. Following the Mariners had to get put on the back burner. After all, it's not like they are giving me a reason to make an appointment with their brodcasting (of course this does not go for Felix and Pineda starts. They are still must see).

Still, even 2 out of every five games is more effort into this years team then Chone Figgins put. Thank God he finally got that season ending hang nail I predicted.

I would feel like I was lying if I came out and ranted about the month of August having not paid it much attention outside of looking at box scores and checking up with their blogs. It's just not proper journalism (or is it...).

That being said, I do think Mike Carp will be our DH to start next season. In the month of August he batted .313 with 6 Hr's 25 RBI's. That shames anything Jack Cust did this year.

The interesting thing going into September to pay attention to will be this:

• Will someone get to 20 HR's? Olivo is the leader in the club house with 16 to date. Justin Smoak, who returned to the team this week would need, is the only other Mariner over 10 Home Runs and he is sitting at 12. Due to a thumb injury, he hasn't homered since June- so don't bet a pay check on him getting hot.


• Can Felix get to 15 wins? He's got 13 right now, and probably 4 starts remaning. But this is the Mariners we are talking about... and sometimes they forget how to score runs.

Lets hope they don't forget how to score runs. Again.

Ramblings: Fantasy Football Preview

It's here, it's here, it's HERE! Like a theif in the night, the NFL lockout ended, free agency and training camp happened and now the NFL season is a pubie hair away. And I couldn't be more excited.

Not only does this mean I can stop watching the Mariners score 4 runs or less night in and night out, but it means I get to start talking Fantasy Football again. With one draft in the tank and another a week from today I'm going to let you in on my thoughts about this upcoming football season for the nerds.

Here is who I like this season:

Quarterback

Michael Vick- look, the dude played in 11 games last year and scored 300 points. If he continues playing like he did last year, he only needs to play 10 games for him to be a top 5 running back. Mathew Berry had a stat on the BS report that had Vick (stat wise) a top 10 quarterback AND the 16th best RB. By that math, you are basically starting an additional player when you have Vick.

Aaron Rodgers- After last years playoff run/Superbow win- Brett Favres former back up is king dick untill proven otherwise. The last three seasons Rodgers has played in 47 of 48 possible regular season games and had touchdown totals of 28-30-28.

Ben Roethlisberger- If you are in a league that scores sexual assaults, don't let Big Ben's newly minted marriage scare you from picking him up. If you are in a boring league that only counts what he does on the field, expect a huge year from the Assualtlisburger. Last year, he led the league in yards per completion. Had he not been suspended for four games for calling an audible in a Ladies Room of a night club, we would've been looking at someone who in the 22-26 touchdown range and 4200 yards. Still not convinced? Then allow me to remind you that Mike Wallace is still a Steeler.

Tom Brady- 3900 yards. 36 touchdowns. 4 fucking interceptions.

Tavaris Jackson- That was a joke. And a mean one at that.

Running Backs:

• Adrian Peterson- Don't agree? Fuck you.



• The rest of the field: Running backs are a crapshoot every year. After AP, I can talk myself out of every RB in the league and just wait for this year's Payton Hillis to come out of nowhere and string together back to back 150 yard games. So we are going to switch it up, and I'm going to list the rest of the top five and why I WOULDN'T take them:



• Chris Johnson- just showed up to camp. Thats a missed block, super concussion waiting to happen. True, if he plays 16 games he is a threat to push 2000 yards. But a hold out Running Back getting super injured is a story that has been told, and told and told again. Be aware.



• Arian Foster- That dude has a bad hamstring and a good running back waiting to take his spot. Thats not a good equation. That being said, he did lead the league in rushing last year.



• Ray Rice- I actually don't have anything negative to say, other then he plays for Baltimore. Even that is not a good detractor, so, you should probably take him.



• Jamaal Charles- he was cool last year because while AP and Chris Johnson went for 60-70 dollars in auction drafts, Charles went for 25. Now he's going in the Ellite running back neighborhood. That shouldn't stop you from getting him, but it definetly makes it less cool to own him.

Wide Reciever

Larry Fitzgerald- Why? Because he doesn't have Max Hall or Derek Anderson skipping balls to him anymore. The fact that Larry didn't kill someone or get decapitated himself by being led to far across the middle is a miricle in itself, let alone the fact that he managed to catch 90 balls. Here is a prediction: Larry is catch 110 balls this year.

Roddy White- Four straight years of 80+ catches and 1100 yards, including last years monsterous 115 catch, 1389 yards 10 touchdown campaign.

Megatron- Calvin should be a crime fighter, not a reciever. Fortunately for whoever aquires him, his profession is still the latter.

Andre Johnson- He guarentee's you 5 games every year where you find yourself thinking the cornerback owed him money and thats why you are looking at the stupid stat line that he put up. On the flip side, he also guarentee's you a stupid injury. He comes with a buyer beware lable for sure.

Mike Wallace- Just a hunch, but I feel like you're gonna want this guy.

Those were probably fairly obvious so I'll dig a little deeper for those of you who need my genius: I feel like Tony Romo is going to bounce back this year. That Dallas offense looked 700 times more effective after Jason Garrett successfully sabotouged Wade Phillips coaching career.

I have this lingering feeling that Payton Hillis is going to blow out his knee this year. I have nothing to back that up with other then running back who come out of nowhere often go back into the hole inwhich they came quickly. I hope I'm wrong, the league needs a white running back to keep everyone on their heels.

I want to be able to say Sidney Rice, Mike Williams and Zach Miller are going to be fantasy sleeping giants this year. But I'd also like to say someone other then Tavaris Jackson or Chaz Whitehurst are the Seahawks Quarterbacks. Unfortunately, I can't on all five accounts. My only hope is Tavaris finds his inner-Willie Beamen.

While I'm on the subject of players to stay away from, lets talk about Frank Gore and DeAngelo Williams. First Gore, who is coming into this season with only 1 full season under his belt in 6 tries. He is 28 (the year running back start to die), returning from an injury, and bitching about his contract. Plus, he is still in an offense being led by Alex Smith. In other words, this is not going to end well.

DeAngelo Williams is somewhat in the same vain. He is coming 28 and fresh off a season that end injury. The difference with him is that he isn't bitching about money, because he just got grossly overpaid. The Carolina Panthers outbidded themselves to overpay an injured, aging running back.

Lastly, I imagine there will be alot of you people clammoring over OchoCinco. You will use arguements like: he is out of Cincy, he is playing for a ring, and he has Tom Brady throwing to him. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I secretly agree. Publically, I am going to say the Patriots/OchoCinco relationship will end badly. Possibly a shade under Dawayne Wade and his now ex wife badly. But secretly ( and since this blog is my forum for making my secret thoughts public), I can see Ocho rebounding and putting together one last solid season. Mind you, he won't be taking it to the pay dirt 23 times like Moss did in 2007, but I don't think it's outrageous to see him dance 11 times.

Also, if I could add one piece of advice for those of you getting ready to draft your teams. Don't drink and draft. I did for one of my leagues last year and won 3 games. Don't do it. You will draft someones backup for shits and giggles then over pay for Shone Greene (who wouldn't be a bad pick up this year).

A Charasmatic Comeback

Jeff Hardy annoucned on Twitter earlier this week that he was scheduled to make his return at this weeks Impact Wrestling tapings, which are being filmed in Huntsville, Alabama. Hardy, a former World Champion in both WWE and TNA, has been out of action since March due to health concerns.

And by health concerns, I mean the dude has a fucking drug problem.

To be more specific, Jeff Hardy hasn't been seen since March's Victory Road Pay Per View, which he was tapped to be in the main event with the Icon Sting. However as he approached the ring, Hardy looked to be noticibly intoxicated, going as far as almost slipping off of the ring. Not wanting to put Sting in harms way, TNA managment decided to call an audible and had Sting finish the match as quick as possible.

TNA wasted no time in sending Hardy home and severing the story line in which he was the primary focus.

Edit Note: The storyline had Hulk Hogan and business partner Eric Bischoff complete a hostile take over of the TNA company, forcing (real life president) Dixie Carter out. They Aligned themselves with Jeff hardy at Bound For Glory (revealing themselves as the "They" I wrote about a year ago), and titling their faction as 'Immortal'.

Hogan and Bischoff opened the first episode of Impact after Victory Road by burying Jeff Hardy, and in one simple act- throwing his custom world championship in the garbage- Jeff Hardy's status within TNA was both creatively and actually in question.

Had Jeff Hardy wrestled his last match in a National promotion? His drug problems have long been publicized (to date, Hardy is still under trial for trafficing charges steming from a September 2009 raid of his North Carolina residence.) and his bridge at the WWE has seemingly been torched ( in 2009 he declined to resign with the WWE, siting that he needed time off. Four months later, he signed with TNA).

For months Hardy has been out of sight. Only reports of his trial being postponed and the ever occasional confusing tweet on his personal twitter account would be the evidence his fan base needed to know that the Charismatic Enigma was still above ground.

According to interviews with both Kurt Angle and his Victory Road opponent, Sting, Hardy had used the time off productively and was working on getting healthy.

A leaked rumor on multiple wrestling websites had Jeff, returning near Bound For Glory to team with his brother Matt Hardy ( who had at that time, just been suspended for showing up late to shows). Those plans have seemingly been scrapped, as brother Matt was fired from the company this week following a car wreck, and possible DUI charges.

So where does that leave the 2 time TNA champion? With his Impact return happening in either of the next two weeks all we can do is speculate, and speculate we will.

First things first, Jeff Hardy should not come back as a heel. The days of the 'Anti Christ of Pro Wrestling' need to be over. Atleast for the time being. Jeff Hardy's heel heat came from his on screen betrayal of the fans and him joining up with Hogan and Bischoff who were taking over the company. Hogan and Bischoff buried him on screen- his ties with them are over.

If I were booking TNA ( Lord knows I should be), I would have Jeff Hardy return as a sympathetic figure. Hardy's initial return should be staged around an apology. He's not involved in a story right now, and this close to No Surrender ( which is focusing on the BFG series matches) there isn't much sense in putting him in one. Pull a page out of the current WWE strategy, and have Hardy come out with no make up, no ring gear, just looking like normal, every day Jeff Hardy. Make it feel like TNA is pulling back the current. Make it feel like a shoot.


Hogan and Bischoff already planted the seeds for this type of return by mentioning that he has 'demons' on air, and those 'demons' were what caused the fall of Jeff Hardy to take place. I wouldn't go as far to have him say " I do drugs" or anything, but I absolutely would have him cryptically referenced poor decision making. I would have him say something with lines like, "I'm rehabing my life" "I allowed myself to be corrupted" and "I've hurt alot of people." By being cryptic, you can work a story around the idea that his problems started when he joined Immortal. He needs to finish his inital diatribe by saying he is sorry, apologizing to his fans and all the 'boys in the back'.

One of two things can happen now: A face can come out and say that he isn't welcome, or Immortal can.

Before Hardcore Justice, I would've wanted Angle to do it. Angle could've come out and say something like " I put my legacy in jepordy by leaving the WWE and coming to help establish this company. You nearly screwed up my five years of work. You want to come back, you need to prove it to me that you are ready." And then challenge him to a match at either Bound For Glory. Angle and Jeff Hardy had one of my favorite matches of 2010 at No Surrender last year, I would've absolutely be down for watching a sequal at Bound For Glorry 2011.

Unfortunately, TNA can't make up their mind on characters, so they turned Angle heel and put the title on him and unless something retarded happens in the next month he will be in the main event title match at Bound For Glory.

Filling in for the Face side, I'd have AJ Styles. He has been in TNA since day 1 and his group, Fortune, has been feuding with Immortal all year. AJ, who is arguably the face of TNA, can say roughly the same things that Angle could, " your stunt could've brought down this company. You want to come back, you need to prove it to me." This makes Styles the obvious choice for calling Hardy out on his integrity. Jeff Hardy vs AJ Styles has happened before, but not backed with the heat of a story. You build a story around Hardy looking for redemption while AJ Styles is looking to protect the company he helped build. Put that at Bound For Glory. Shoot, you can even make it a Ladder Match for Hardy's contract. Hardy would win the contract, as well as his fans back when he gives a Swanton Bomb from the top of the ladder.

After winning at Bound For Glory, AJ Styles comes out and says that Hardy has earned his respect again. Have Taz and Mike Tenay (Impact's commentators) hype that AJ's approval is like being 'made' in the Mafia. The combonation of AJ's respect following an insane PPV ladder match, you can bet your last dollar the fan's would be back in Hardy's corner. It would be time to begin his story with Immortal.

As he starts to pack up wins, you can put him back in the title picture at the end of next summer leading in to Bound For Glory 2012, and focus on his continuing quest for redemption can only be complete by winning the title. Which he does, completing a 'Rocky' like story of underdog and redemption.

The second option is throw him into an immediate feud with Immortal. That first night, after Hardy apologizes, he gets inturrupted by his former stable. Bischoff and Hogan proceed to publicly dress down Hardy for almost bringing down the Immortal group in it's infancy. They need to use phrases like, "you're too weak," "we picked the wrong guy," and " you aren't welcome here anymore". Hardy responds by claiming that wrestling is his life, and he won't stop untill he's dead. Hogan and Bischoff (who have been talking about 'killing' alot lately) send the troops down to take Hardy out. Which the do- violently. Consider it a pay back for fucking up a ppv mainevent. It ends with everyone hitting their finishers, and Bully Ray putting him through the table.

After Bound For Glory, Hardy returns. But his character has evolved. He is now a cross between Crow-late 90's- Sting and Raven. He shows up randomly, sometimes weeks in between appearences, and distracts members of Immortal-causing them to lose their matches. He stay's silent though. Then they start having backstage segments where Immortals locker room gets tagged with creepy riddles spray painted on the walls.

At the start of the new year, it escaltes to backstage violence. Backstage segments showing members of Immortal unconcious, laying on the ground. Bischoff, Hogan and the remaining members of Immortal finally have had enough of the attacks, so they demand whoever is reponsible to come out and face them.

Jeff Hardy appears on the screen, but still not saying anything. They start yelling at the screen for him to come down and be a man. Finally, after a solid minute of Hardy just looking blankly back at them, he says, "x marks the spot" and a cage lowers to the ring. The members of Immortal slide out of the ring, except Hogan, who is hobbled by a bad back. He is trapped in the cage. Also coming from the rafters, are four men. These four men take Hogan out with kendo sticks and bats. They reveal themselves to be Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, Matt Hardy (if he can get HIS shit together) and lastly, Jeff Hardy.

Bischoff initially refuses to give any of them contracts, but the members of Immortal are embarrassed about being punked like that on national TV. Bischoff then annoucnes that if Hardy and his buddies want to ever wrestle again, they will have to compete in a Lethal Lockdown match at the 'Lockdown' ppv (which takes place in March) against Immortal.

So at Lockdown, Jeff Hardy and Omega take on Immortal.

After much deliberation, I think the first option is my favorite. AJ and Jeff's Ladder match is the stuff wet dreams are made out of. And even if you start with Hardy looking for respect initially, you can still lead it into an Omega vs Immortal at Lockdown. The second one is cool too, though.

Pick your poison TNA. And Jeff, please stay clean.

"Thats What The F***'s Up"

Jacob Defranco seemed very confident. A lot more confident then you would think he should be entering his first MMA fight. Standing in his corner, wasting little movement, he waited for his opponent to join him inside the cage.

This wasn't the first time he had seen his opponent. Moments before the show started, Defranco entered an upstairs room accompanied by his buddies, looking to put a face to the name. "Which one of you is Jesse Belvin?" he asked the room of potential fighters. A wirey kid with a buzzed head held up his hand. Defranco apparently didn't see much in him and his crew walked away giggling and confident.

Defranco could smell a knockout. He even announced it on his Facebook.

Jesse Belvin came out next. The muscles in his face were tensed up like you would expect from someone who was about to get into a fight. His previously mentioned frame was now shirtless for the general public to view, exposing all of his tattoos which nearly consume his entire left arm. He looked like someone who should be crowd surfing at a Coheed and Cambria concert, not in a cage fight.

But that’s where they both found themselves. Locked in a cage where the only thing they knew about each other was their names. Within moments they were introduced and prepped for battle.

Jacob Defranco was certain he was going to get a knockout and his first win. It only took Jesse Belvin 1 minute and 22 seconds to ruin those aspirations.




“I wanted to showcase my striking first; because I was like 99% sure the guy wouldn’t be able to stop my wrestling. Only reason for my nerves was because of trying new boxing techniques and angles.” Jesse said. He had recently started training with a boxing specific coach, Rudy Garza, and was anxious enough to employ his new skill set that he jumped at the first opportunity to do so. Even if that meant doing it on a weeks notice and in a heavier weight class.

When the day of his 2nd career fight came, Jesse found himself in a torture rack of nervousness. Taking a fight on 5 days notice didn’t give him much time to sit and think about what exactly he had agreed to do. But with only a few hours till he had to be at the venue, he found himself stressing over his recent decision. It had finally dawned on him that he was fighting in a heavier weight class, against an independently trained fighter who no one knew anything about, and he had 5 days to train for it. “I felt way more sick [this time],” Jesse said comparing his feelings to those he had for his first fight.

Saturday morning he woke up with a life time MMA record of 2-0. Any nervousness he had felt the day before had been regulated to a passing sentiment. His hand ached so bad that he felt like he might’ve broken something. This isn’t surprising after you realize that he finished the fight by repeatedly punching the kid square in the head, like he was trying to rack up video game combo points, and didn’t stop until he was told to get up. It was that act of relentless violence that I haven’t stopped thinking about 48 hours later. As a spectator, it was simply awesome to watch. As Jesse’s brother, it was one of the more frightening things I’ve eve seen. I’ve always known Jesse to have a temper, but this was different then any of his verbal posturing I had ever experienced. This wasn’t Jesse walking in the mall saying, ‘I would beat his ass.’ This was him ACTUALLY beating someone’s ass.

Since I left Gladiator MMA (the venue of the fight), every time I have thought about his fight, I find myself thinking the same thing: Where the fuck did that even come from? “Prison fights.” He responded over a text message. “Attacking a guard. I saw a video once and I try and act like I’m fighting for my escape.”

Well that’s a good explanation of how you pin someone down and schedule them for an appointment with a dentist, but how does one flip that switch from being nervous wreck to channeling a the actions of a violent criminal?

“When I went in for the takedown I didn’t have a care in the world. The goal was to see if my hands had improved with Rudy’s help and they did.”

It took Jesse Belvin almost exactly six months between matches. After his first match, he found himself questioning his motivation to go through the type of conditioning required to perform how he expects himself to perform. After Friday night, Jesse vowed to not let so much time get in between his fights.

He has now set himself a goal for continuing with MMA. Ultimately, he wants to qualify as a professional, but that will come after he pads his record and maybe adds a belt to his collection. “My goal is to win one more fight, then fight for #1 contendership. Then at 4-0 I would like to challenge for the Featherweight or Bantamweight belt”

As I was wrapping up my interview with him, I felt compelled to ask him again about his pre match interaction Jacob Defranco and his buddies. “[when]I raised my hand and they were snickering and shit… it motivated me…” he said.

“I love being motivated.”

Mariners: July in Review

Welcome to the big leagues, Trayvon Robinson. YOu had a catch last night that successfully made me shit my pants. So even if you go Puegero on us (strike out all the time- which is possible since your minor league career saw you make contact on only 65 percent of your swings) we will always have that catch.

Now that we covered that on to bitching about the Mariners...

I haven't writen about the M's in two weeks, because, well, they fucking suck. But July is over, so lets take a look at what happened:

June ended on a bit of a sour stretch (as far as the first three months were concerned). When Philadelphia left Seattle, the Mariners were 2 games above .500 and had a punchers chance of sneaking into the playoffs (granted we would've had to aquire a hitter or two, but the chance was there). With that in mind, The Mariners promptly lost 7 of the next 12 games.

July started exactly the way you would want July to start, if you had just been sodomized by Washington, Florida and Atlanta- with a series against San Diego and Oakland. After taking 4 of six games between those shit teams (inlcuding Blake Beavens first major league win), The Mariners got fisted again in a 4 game set with the Angles and limped into the All Star break riding a 5 game losing streak.

10 games into July and we had scored more then 3 runs one time: in a 6-0 shut out of Double A San Diego(which actually doubles as Justin Vargas' last major league quality start... untill last night).

Thankfully, the All Star break came up and allowed us to go home and lick our wounds. The boys had to have been burnt out and just needed the three days to recharge, right? Wrong. The Seattle Mariners actually had the longest All Star break ever, a 15 day weekend. Unfortunatly, they had games scheduled during this break and lost the first 12 games after the Mid Summer Classic.

Why do they suck so much? It's simple: Because Justin Smoak is allegedly playing with a thumb injury since mid June (his numbers reflect the time frame perfectly), Ichiro is closer to 40 then 30, Chone Figgins is still a Mariner, and Baseballs Rule's forbid Dustin Ackley from batting in all 9 positions while utalizing the 'Ghost Runner' concept.

I had high hopes heading into July for this team. All 5 members of our rotation had a ERA of 3 and half or under. Our hitters were doing just enough to get by, and teams were getting ready to auction off pieces that would make us a better team (at one point I had myself convinced Ryan Ludwick was going to make us 'Not To Be Fucked With' good. HA! Ryan Ludwick!). Unfortunately, the wheels feel off and we got sodomized by teams for the better part of three weeks, leading to managment waving the white flag and trading away Doug Fister, David Pauley and Erik Bedard. I'll miss those guys, especially Bedard. We waited three years for you to do anything, and the moment you get your shit together we sent you to Boston.

Sometimes this world isn't fair.

Status Update: Sized Up for a Ball n' Chain

Anyone else see that on weather.com it was reporting Hell froze over this weekend? I wonder if that had anything to do with the fact that I got married on Saturday.

Maybe it did, or maybe I'm just making that up. But what is the truth is that the man who once wrote "Things I Want to Do Before I Die (or get Married)" is now married.

On Saturday, infront of 150 or so people in my hometown, I married my long time lady friend, Sarah. We've looked at our relationship as a marriage for a long time (after all, there is a 2 year old), only now we made it official.

I gotta admit, for as neverous as I was prior- the ceremony was awesome. It was quick, easy and went off with out any major issues(I can literally only speak for us. We had a ton of people working behind the scenes making sure it was easy on us. Thank you to all those people). Shoot, the only thing that I can remember messing up right now is that I stumbled over my vow's (unforunatly it was the part where I am supposed to 'stay faithful'- not a good place to stumble).

But stumble or not, I've been someones husband for 48 hours now. Very surreal feeling for someone who- only a year ago- biggest complication in life was making sure he had Madden 2011's release date off.

Jokes aside, I gotta say I'm extremely happy. I love my wife and my daughter, and can't wait to see what the future has for the three of us. And again, if you came to the wedding or helped out ( or both) thank you so much. Had I not blacked out from nervousness I'm sure I would've enjoyed myself alot.



Actually, before I go, I do have another thing to say.

I do gotta comment on one thing though before I go. If you grew up how I did, chances are the idea of "no sex before marriage" was hammered home to you. My parents harped on it. My church going friends' parents did the same. It's pretty much a staple for all Christian families.

For 20 years I lived under that embrella, only to lose my virginity shortly after my parents announced there seperation (I lost it to Sarah, ps, so thats something to hang my hat on). While I was growing up, though, I remember people stressing that sex with your spouse is better then regular sex. After I lost my virginity, anytime someone told me this, I smiled, nodded and mentally filed it under "shit crazy people say" in my brain. Thats not a slam on abstaining till marriage, just the idea that it somehow got BETTER with a ring.

That being said, 48 hours into my marriage and those crazy people might have been on to something. On the off chance that my freshly-minted wife or someone else in my family (who doesn't want to think about me having sex) reads this, I will withhold the steamy details, but just know that it's been pretty effing sweet.

Maybe it's because we are making up for lost time, after all, we did pledge abstanence after we started our pre-marital counciling. Or maybe those adults who stressed 'no sex' knew what they were talking about. I don't know. I can't explain it. I just know what I've experienced, and what I've experienced over the last 48 hours has been awesome. Like, 'hunny maybe we should invite people to watch us so they can study it for science' levels of awesome.

I am now a full supporter of 'sex is better when married' camp. Because it is.

Car Wreck: 2011 is over

Two weeks ago I began writing a 'half season review' for the Mariners. It started out a little somber because the Mariners had lost 5 in a row, and were heading into the All Star break 5 games under .500. Still for this team to be 43-48 heading into the break (especially when you consider how bad they had been offensively) didn't seem like much of a bad thing, and the tone of what I was writing was going to be overall optimistic.

But life happend and in typical fashion, I got distracted and put off the writing. Before I knew it, the second half of the season had started and by the end of the week the losing streak had been extended to 7 games.

Edit Note: I was at Texas game on the 14th for my Bachelor Party. I was shit faced and had two of my least favorite athletes of all time- Adrian Beltre and Chone Figgins- playing right in front of me. That night, we made Derek Holland (who I was calling Dexter, confusing him with the lead singer of The Offspring) look like he had a first class plane ticket straight to Cooperstown. He retired the first 15 batters of the game, forcing the 20 people in attendence to heavily contemplate rioting if we got Perfect Game'd. We ended up getting blanked by the kid, losing 5-0. This was their 6 straight loss.

So I thought to myself,"Screw it, I'll just wait till they win and write about how they need a bat." and with that I started to play the waiting game. 9 days later, I'm stil waiting.

The 2011 Seattle Mariners, who on June 19th were 2 games above .500, are currently the shamed owners of a 14 game losing streak, and threatening to not win another game till April 2012(that might be a little harsh, but with one more game against Boston, then a 3 game set in the Bronx, we could seriously be looking at a 18 game losing streak).

All I can say is: thankfully they managed to stay relevent untill the NFL figured their stuff out (ESPN reporting that we'll have a deal early next week). Unfortunately, they are declaired dead and we still have to watch them for 2 months. This could get ugly.

Punk vs Cena: What should happen

Go back in time right now, one year ago today if you need a date, and ask me if I would ever think heading into a John Cena match I wouldn't be 100% positive of an outcome. I would've told you cutting my toe nails was more unpredictible. But here we are, July 16th 2011, and it's about to happen for the 2nd time in the last 6 months. His Wrestlemania match with Miz and tomorrows Money In The Bank match against the Straight Edge Savant, CM Punk.

When this storyline began a month ago, I would've put money that Punk was going to get the upper hand on Cena for the next four episodes of Raw, then lose in what was reportidly to be his last match in the WWE before his contract expired.

But then CM Punk grabbed a mic, took a seat and calmly reminded everyone that this is professional wrestling- and we as fans really don't know shit.

Fan's in today's world (and I'm no different) think that we know whats going on. We read something like 'CM Punk's contract has expired and is leaving' and we think it's set it stone. Nevermind that there was no source attributed to it. Remember, the WWE is a business and what is true yesterday might not be true tomorrow. After his rant, Punk went from 'Great Heel' to ' Fire Shooting Out of His Ass Hot.'

Don't believe me? CM Punk was talked about by Jim Rome and Collin Cowheard. As a regular listener to both radio shows, I can tell you that Raw isn't scheduled on their DVR. He has been the subject of two Grantland pieces (an Entertainment/Sports Editorial site produced by Bill Simmons and ESPN). The last two Pro-Wreslting mentions I can remember on ESPN were Macho Man's death and the Chris Benoit Murder/Suicide. Do you see the trend? He recently got interviewed by GQ. Go ahead and Google GQ's article on HHH- it doesn't exsist. It's not unreasonible to think 3 months ago Vince McMahon didn't see CM Punk as a top draw- I would assume thats not the case now.

Now D Day is upon us. Tomorrow night WWE will produce it's monthly Pay Per View, "Money in the Bank" which is named after two gimmick ladder matches that will give each winner a World Title match at a time of their choosing. But while the pay per view is named after the midcard matches, the focus will be on the Mainevent. WWE Champion John Cena vs CM Punk.

I can see this match going one of 800 different ways. All of them end in a wild, next day water cooler conversation starting ways.

This is how I would do the match: (edit note: This is under the context that CM Punk has signed a contract)

Now what you got to realize is that despite being booked as a Heel for over two years now, Punk is going to get cheered. It's in Chicago, a historically hot crowd and it happens to be Punk's hometown. John Cena, who is typically hated by 'smart' wrestling crowds is going to get booed like Iron Sheik in the 80's. Prepare for Punk to get a heroes welcome.

Being that this match will be in Chicago and despite the fact that Punk is techniqually the heel, I don't see any devious actions from him. I don't see Nexus getting involved in this match. That being said, This match is going to start off slow. Like very slow. It'll pick up physically once it hits the outside of the ring to the point that once they come back in the ring, they're really going to be putting the violence on thick.

I orginally had an idea where Punk reverses the 'you can't see me (Cena's bull shit version of the Peoples Elbow)' and puts him in the Anaconda Vice. But Cena isn't tapping. Ever. So I had to scrap that.

Then it dawned on me, that this match has had an Attitude Era build up to it. So why not make it an Attitude era finish? With that in mind, I see when the match seemes to be wrapping up, I see Vince McMahon getting involved to help Cena (turning the Chicago crowd into riot levels of hostile). Keeping with the Attitude Era hommage, I see his 'yes men' getting involved. Instead of Patterson and Briscoe, it'll be Johnny Ace and Dean Malenko. They're going to get their shit splattered with a chair. I see about nine refs getting knocked the fuck out.

Most importantly, I see CM Punk winning the title. Since it will be despite numerous attempts to the contrary by Vince McMahon, that place is going to melt down.

Punk then grabs the mic, and begins to tell Vince to 'fuck off'. It flips to a side by side screen with the locker room, where it shows Stephanie McMahon telling both Money in the Bank winners they need to go cash their case in. For arguments sake, lets say it's Alberto Del Rio and Wade Barrett who both agree's and head to the ring. Barrett comes out first, and as soon as he slides into the ring, Punk makes him eat a chair shot. Barrett down for the 1-2-3.


Que Del Rio's music. Punk squares up and waits for him to come out, but Del Rio sneaks in from the crowd. He uses the MitB case to take out the new champion. He cashes in and goes for the pin. As the ref slides to make the count, we have a flood of WWE controlled indi-wrestlers hit the ring. I'm talking guys like Luke Gallows, Tyler Black, even Colt Cabanna come in and make the save. Del Rio gets distracted, giving Punk enough time to get to his feet and hit the GTS on Del Rio for his third win of the night.

The final shot of the PPV is one of Punk holding the title up over his head proudly, and Vince McMahon walking back up the ramp screaming something like 'it's not over'. Thus bringing to an end a wild PPV and completing CM Punk's transformation from Heel to the most over babyface of the last decade.

Chocolate Cookies 'n' cream:

I remember her vividly. I met her as a teenager, over a summer break. She had smooth, delicious brown skin. From the moment my mother introduced us, I didn't just want to know her- I wanted to consume her.

I remember that first night like it was last night. We stayed up late with my family telling stories and watching movies. She fit right in like she had been there for years. It was her first night with any of us and she wasn't just welcome in our house, she belonged.

Eventually, everyone else went to sleep. Leaving me and this luscious bodied beauty to get to know each other- more intimately. That night I introduced myself to her form, and devoured her body. I may have been left full that night, but my craving for her could never be satisfied.

Her one night appearance in the summer made her like one of those teenaged love clichés. Like we were a modern day Grease. She was my chocolate skinned Sandy and I was her Danny, the bad boy from the other side of the tracks.

The next day came and she was gone. She had vanished as quickly as our love connection was made. And I was devastated. Despite my best efforts of internet stalking, I always failed at trying to track her down.

I ran into her once years later briefly at a Baskin n Robbins. We were in another town and I was older, (probably seeing someone at the time), but our chemistry was still there. She had this undeniable power to alter my mood. Like a drug. Once again she had me hook, line and sinker. She had to have felt the same way; it was like we hadn't been a part for even a minute. Somehow, I was unable to get her phone number and just like that she was gone again.


Fast forward to last night, 18 days until my wedding and my chocolate skinned princess happened back into my life. My brother escorted her into my living room, while I sat there with my child and fiance. I stared blankly back at her, while I flashed back to our night of passion nearly a decade prior. I politely made small talk with her, while trying to conceal the nuclear levels of animalistic lust that was raging through my body. She began to flirt with me, subtly, while my fiancé sat next to me. My mouth began to water, my knees started to shake. The Lord is testing me, the Devil is tempting me, I kept thinking.

Deep into the night, it became too much and I gave into the desires that the body of this temptress created. My brother had a turn too. My fiancé, who was putting our daughter to sleep when I finally gave in, emerged from the bed room and saw evidence of adultery all stained on my face. I thought she was going to get mad, instead she joined in. All three of us devoured her like Vampires over a juicy vain and spent the rest of the night reveling in her excessive sexuality and enjoying what could only be described as ultimate ecstasy.

This morning, I ran out of my room to notice she was gone again. My heart, again, shattered into pieces. I allowed her to come back into my life and leave me broken again.

Fuck you, Chocolate Oreo Ice Cream.