The Last Day of 2010

Wow, that was quick. 2010 is on it's way out, and since I'm laid out with a bad back ( I was doing manly shit last night, aka laundry) I'll give you all a quick recap untill it's time for me to suck it up and get dressed up.

With out further ado, here is Clinically Awesomes review of 2010:

• I lived. It seems foolish now, but there was a time when they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me that I did get a little freaked out.
• I never gave a shit about the Tiger Woods scandle. I'm proud of that.
• Ben Rothlisburger allegedly sexually assaulted a 19 year old girl in a bar. I have been known to side with the athlete under the idea that the girl is trying to get money. Being that this wasn't the first girl to throw a flag on Big Ben for entrochment, I became more skeptical.
• I became the master of Beer Pong. No joke, I'm better then you.
• The Mariners were supposed to be good. Key word: supposed to be.
• The Girlfriend and I broke up. It wasn't pretty. It also didn't last long. Realizing the error in our ways, we were back together in two shakes of a rabbits tail.
• My Blazers turned from a feel good up and coming team into a soap opera of bloody vaginas. They also fired Kevin Pritchard, which still hurts to write.
• Lebron James came out to save the NBA from Heat.W.O. But after he chased Wade and Bosh from the ring, he drops three leg drops on Mo Williams to reveal that he is the third teammate. Drew Careys was later found naked with a cheese steak steak sandwhich in one hand and a gun in the other.
• There was a time when I was convinced Chris Paul was going to be a Blazer. Then Oden's knee continued to be a pussy, and Brandon Roy's lack of miniscus also became a huge issue causing Rich Cho to say, "whats the f**king point?!"
• I took a chance on Ben Rothlisburger in my fantasy league due to our new keeper rules and his 4 game suspension keeping his price tag low. I also took a chance by making a trade for Michael Vick. Both ended up working out for me... Untill the championship, where once again I lose to the Born Winner. I was later found with a cheese steak sandwhich and a hand gun.
• The Blazers began their season 3-0. Then Roy started bitching about his knee. This opened the flood gate for copious amounts of shitty basketball to be played.
• The ship has seemingly been corrected for the time being with Captain Vagina Pants (Roy) serving a suspension...er... resting his knee with no return date.
• Including Roy's last game, a 12/15 night in Dallas (also known as "The night LaMarcus became a Man"), LaMarcus Aldridge is averaging 26 points 13 Rebounds.
• In that same stretch, Portlands 8-5 (take that with a grain of salt, that stretch has seen 7 road games).
• I survived my first quarter back at school. Barely. It was a rough quarter, where I nearly invited my humanities professor to a spirited fist fight (I would've beat his ass all over campus. Believe that.).
• Closing out the year, on December 19th, about 9:30 pm I asked the Girlfriend if to marry me. She said yes. I was relieved. We made out for awhile. It was cool (I'm underselling it like crazy. I'm really excited about starting a family with her. This was the best Christmas I ever had and it started with a ring and a question).

Well that was 2010 in a nut shell. A quick list for a quick year. Now I gotta suit up, taking the Fiance out for a night in Portland. Gonna do the New Year right, with booze (hopefully enough to numb my back) food and friends.

Happy New Year, bihotches.

clinically Awesome's 2nd Birthday Day

I'm can't write too much right now, I'm balls deep in the middle of trying not to fail any classes and have been sucked dry of anything that even resembles creative juices.

But this is a special occasion as it is my 2 year annaversary, so I'll address it a little bit.

Last year I thanked all my loyal readers. This year I'd like to take time and thank everything that has inspired me.

First and formost, The Portland Trail Blazers, Seattle Mariners and Seattle Seahawks. You three are my favorite teams and you consistantly shit all over my face. I'm like the wife of an abusive husband, telling myself that they love me back and believing them when they say ' this time it'll be different'. Year, after heart breaking year you tell me this year is THE YEAR, and I tell myself that you wouldn't lie. I believe that things will be different. Then two months later I'm wearing consealer while you are sporting a sub .500 record and we start talking mock drafts on the sports radio channles.

The Blazers have been abusive in a different way.brightspot in my fandom has been the Blazers, and even they refuse to put out anything that looks like a competative squad.

On the bright side, the Seahawks have yet to be eliminated from playoff contention, despite the fact that they are destined to be sub .500. What makes that even funnier is the fact that if they DO make it, they will be a division winnner and the proud host of a playoff game. Don't you love techniqualities?!?

I'd like to thank douche bag athletes. Specifically, I'd like to thank Lebron James. Because Lebron is such an incredible douche, I had lots to bitch about this summer. I wish I could just record my rants and post them on here, because they were some of my angriest, most venomous tyrades ever. Sadly, because I'm read less frequently then the bible in the Lohan household- the would have still gone unheard.

Actually, while we are on the subject, lets go ahead and thank Ben Rothlisburger, too. You sir, are (allegedly) a terrible human being. That being said, you are a starting quarterback for my playoff bound fantasy football team.

I guess what I'm saying is this: if you help me win a championship, and I'll not only forget that you've been accused twice of sexual assault in an 18 month span but I'll go as far as to nominate you for knighthood.

Next up, I'd like to thank Beer. This blog started with the idea that I'd be telling a lot of drunken stories. And for the first year, there were alot. My favorite being last years "Drinking in Spokane, through the Magesty of Pictures" ( Sept '09). Sadly, due to a mutant form of Mono, natural maturation and responsibilities, beer and I have had to seperate ourselves with very limited visitations this year. Sure, I still let my hair down from time to time (and alot during the brief seperation from The Girlfriend) but nothing compared to my consumption levels of years past.

That being said we do have New Years, Hocky Tickets and my birthday with in the next two months... I imagine I'll have SOMETHING to report.

Here's hoping that after finals are done, my creative juices return.



And Thanks again to all of you who read this (ever).

All Hail the King

In a month that has just been Blazer injury story after injury story, Northwest sports fans have something to smile about- The King has recieved his crown.

Today the 24 year old Mariner Ace, Felix Hernandez recieved his first (and hopefully not his last) Cy Young award after finishing with 21 of the 28 first place votes.

Despite teh 13-12 record (13 wins being the lowest by any Cy Young winner ever) the King finished with major league best 2.27 ERA and lead the American league in both innnings and was second in strike outs.

He was the lone bright spot on a historically bad team. A team whose offense could only be desribed as having a severe eating disorder (which I detailed in "The Ballad of King Felix") the King finished with a 30 quality starts (at least 5 innings while giving up less then 3 runs), which was 3 better then the next closes pitcher.

I never thought he would get the respect he deserved, but low and behold the sports writers of America proved me wrong. And thank goodness for that, because between the M's, the Blazers injuries and the Seahawks, we needed some good news.

All Hail the King.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Yup, another Greg Oden surgery means another Greg Oden centric blog. You knew it was coming, didn't you?

But I'm not sure what to say that hasn't been said about this dude already. It's tragic. It sucks for him, it's sucks for the city of Portland, and it's sucks for the franchise and all of their fans.

Four years ago we got dick teased with the idea of trotting out an All-Star guard in Brandon Roy, a potential All- Star in LaMarcus Aldridge and a franchise corner stone in Greg Oden.

Fast forward to present day, Oden has missed all but 82 games through 3 full seasons, and now Roy's knee's are becoming a concern. And dont' fool yourself, they are a concern. There is too much 'serious' chatter for those things to just be "sore."

This was supposed to be the year we competed for the title. Our big three would be entering their fourth year together, and Pritchard was hell bent on building a team around them to blow this league out of the water.

Sadly, we aren't even a month into the season and I can tell you we are a LONG way off of a title. Roy is playing like crap, Dante Cunningham and Sean Marks play meaningful minutes at center, and LaMarcus has once again been LaMarginal. I feel like pouring a drink.

There just doesn't seem to be any hope on the horizon. Especially with the Greg Oden subject. Greg Oden's knees are like someone who just perpetually live off of social security- not working. Thank God he isn't under contract after this year.

But now the Blaze are in a tricky spot. Do they bring him back? I don't think they should. Unless he agree's to work for peanuts, it's time for him to move along. Let some other team talk themselves into his potential (since he will only be 22) and break the bank for him.

It's time to walk away, Portland.

Michael Vick: The Movie

I know I just wrote about him last week, but after that college stat line he put up against the skins on Monday, it's time to write about him again.

Michael Vick is unbelievable. And it's time to start thinking about the movie Disney is inevidibly going to make about him.

The story writes itself. Athlete with all the talent in the world with a meteoric fall from grace, turns his life around during a two year prison sentence with the help of a religious, soft spoken coach, finds success again after losing everything in the ultimate redemption story.

First things first, lets knock off the cast:

• Michael Vick- I originally joked that Marcus Vick would be the best one to play his brother. But now that I'm taking this seriously, my make believe studio isn't going to risk investing money in that shit head. After much debate, we have decided that Aldis Hodge will take the reigns of our main character. His most notebale work was in Friday Night Lights as the Hurricane Katrina victim Voodoo Tatum.
• Tony Dungy- A soft spoken, inspiration former coach who has served as a mentor for Michael Vick since his incarceration. Obviously this role is Morgan Freemans for the taking. Get your kleenex ready, bitches.
• Coach Andy Reid- Phillip Seymore Hoffman. It's not gonna take a lot of effort for the oscar winner to glue a mustache on and play Reids fat ass. And the huge pay day that comes with inspiration disney movies will get him to put any art house film he is currently working on, on the shelf for a minute.
• Michael Vick's lady- Taraji P. Henson. I googled a picutre of Vick's woman, and she resembles the actress from Hustle and Flow, and Smokin' Aces. So let it be done.
• Kevin Kolb- Obviously, Kevin Kolb should play Kevin Kolb. Why not? It's not like he has anything to do.
• Quanis Phillips - the co defendent in the dog fighting trial, also the man who was shot at Vick's birthday party over the summer of 2010. Idris Elba, aka Stringer Bell from the Wire.

This movie is going to print it's own money.

Week 10: Brief talk about Football and Blazers

Seahawks win, my fantasy team will pull out a win (unless McCoy goes fantasy Ape Shit), and I had what I would call anxiety attack... all in a weekends time. Sounds fun right?

Just a few things while we wait for Vick and the Eagles to take the field:

• So glad the Cardinals decided to shit the bed this week (not that it's been any different then other weeks) but I really needed the Seahawks to remember how to win. The Giant and Raider games are responsible for a few sleepless nights over the last two weeks.
• Roy got news that his knee wasn't going to require surgery... the Blazers promptly rattle off loses to OkC and New Orleans. Someone needs to sack up and fight through some pain.
• Hopefully they can rebound in Memphis (even though Roy will be out).
• They announce who the Cy Youngs are this week. It sure would be nice for Felix to get the nod.
• I have a 20 point lead going into tonights MNF game. As stated earlier, he has McCoy and I got Vick. Unless 2006 Vick comes back, I like my chances.
• I ended up 40 dollars after a night of Poker on Saturday. It almost made up for the fact that I hate my job.

Back to work I go. Someone supervise me if I come in contact with a knife today.

Break out the Rye bread and the Mustard...

Today one of the more familiar voices from my childhood passed away. Long time play by play commentator for the Seattle Mariners, Dave Niehaus died today at age 75.

When I was growing up, often I would head out side when I was bored to hit the whiffle ball around the field. I would do this for hours pretending I was the rising star 3rd basemen for the Seattle Mariners, playing against who ever they were playing that night. I would even go as far to conduct interviews with myself, keep track of my offensive stats, and career milestones.

I used to set up all my at bats as if Niehaus himself was doing it. "Belvin at the plate..."

And when I connected on the long ball, well, we all know his call: " swung on and BELTED...DEEP TO LEFT FIELD... (insert fielders name) going back... to the Track... to the waaaallll.... GOOD BYE BASEBALL!"

Or everyones favorite, the legendary Grandslam call: "Bring out the rye bread and the mustard grandma, it's a graaaaaaaaannnnnnnddddddd saaaalllllaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmiiiiiiii.... "

It's shocking how a guy who I will never meet had such a huge impact on my life. He was the voice to my favorite team (as well as one of my favorite movies, the "My Oh My 1995 Mariners" Recap tape) and I guess to a growing sports fan, thats all he really needed to be. I may never have been able to introduce myself, or shake his hand, but make no mistake, when the news of "Uncle Daves" passing came to my phone, I got choked up.

This man had been there for everything. He saw the first pitch. He called Juniors first home run. He narriated the crappy years as well as the good. Go back and listen to highlight from 1995 (the first year Seattle made the playoffs) Dave gets so hyped up it sounds like he needs a cigerette when the play is over. I'm not joking, youtube Edgars double right now. Do it right now.

He had my dream job, before I knew it was my dream job. He watched Baseball for a living. The man was beyond a hero, he was a freaking inspiration.

After I heard the news, I took a break at work and texted all of my Mariner fan buddies. I texted my brother and I called my dad. We all felt the same. It was a sad, sad day.

We're all going to miss you, Dave. You weren't just the voice for The Mariners, you were the voice for the city of Seattle. We'll miss your style, your skill and your passion for an often passionless franchise.

Most importantly, we'll miss the way you used to freak out over a Junior warning track fly out.

(I don't need to miss the homerun call, I still got the tape )

Fly... Fly Away, Dave.

Week 9 and my flourishing affection for Mike Vick

I couldn't love a human baby more then I love Michael Vick right now. It's not even remotely possible.

First of all he is a great story. He burst onto the national scene at the beginning of the decade by being a human video game highlight reel for Virgina Tech. An arm like Favre with moves like Barry. Thats how he was described. Seriously, he had the skills of a Madden created player.

Then there was the epic fall from grace. And I mean EPIC. Not only was he not producing on the field (go look at his Atlanta numbers, they aren't fun), but he was accused and convicted of hosting dog fighting. He went from the leagues highest paid player, to public enemy number 1 in the blink of an eye. We all know the story, and no I won't show pictures.

He then spent two years in jail getting shit on by the public, losing all his money and probably getting raped a time or two. That my friends is called a life style 180. It probably felt like a never ending Twighlight Zone episode for him.

Now the prodigal son has returned, triumphantly, to lead the Philadelphia Eagles and my fantasy team to unforeseen heights. The Eagles went into the season thinking Kevin Kolb was their guy. They were quickly informed that was not the best decision. Same thing with my fantasy team, I thought Romo ( and Stafford) were my boys. Nope, I packaged Romo up in a season saving deal which landed me Michael Vick as a throw in. Even with Michael Vick being out three weeks (and my team losing all three games) it brings a smile to my face thinking about it.

In a season where the Seahawks are coming off back to back ass beatings-this has been a blessing. As lucrative as it has been for my ESPN team, it's also been just a great story. Seriously, it's the ultimate 'based on a true story' football film. You're welcome, Hollywood. Handle with care.

So lets hope this ride continues, that Vick continues to be the evolutionary quarterback that he was originally promised to be and that he keeps putting up W's for my fantasy team.

And if he keeps it up, maybe his shit head brother can play him in the movie.

My Philosophy class lacks Logic

This class was fucked from the start.

Today I walked into my philosphy class and noticed that while I was sick last week my philosophy professor seemingly morphed from his fat gut, white beard, Santa Claus's brother with breathing complications self, into a fit-ish, 40 year old dude (with seemingly no flem build up in his throat).

He'd also changed his name.

I stepped out of the class, to make sure I had gone to the right one. Yup, it's the right room. Then I start to think, 'what day is it?'

Yup, it's Tuesday- I'm in the right room.

Who the hell is this guy? Who the hell is the woman in the business suite standing in the corner with a Medusa like scowl on her face. Where the hell is the professor?

Well the answers to those seemingly obvious questions never came. My original Philosophy proffessor could've been abducted by, and gang banged by extraterestrial sex offenders and I would be none the wiser. Or he could've been fired for being bad at his job.

Or he could have health issues which would explain that flem.

But like age old question of 'how many licks to the center of a totsie pop' the world is never going to get an answer. Just gotta focus on the future and keep moving.

And continue to pray for a good grade.

Week 8

I didn't write a post last week, because for the first time in a few years I was on a losing streak in fantasy football. Lost my second game in a row-in close fashion and didn't feel like crying to the masses. There was just nothing positive to say.

Eh, scratch that, the Seahawks are a surprising 4-2 right now. I would've written about them, but due to my work schedule haven't been able to watch them since their week 4 blowout from the Rams. I know the stats, but I haven't been watching the games- and gametracker is not good for not fantasy related inspiration.

Then I got sick (again) and didn't get off my NBA preview (which I'm currently working on, but will actually probably post before this making it look like this was done after-but don't let the posting order fool you it wasn't).

Unluckily for me, due to my sickness I got to stay home and watch the Hawks game on Sunday. I say unluckily for me because despite now having a running game, and winning two in a row- this team shows up in Oakland and gets the SHIT kicked out of them.

Football is really starting to chap my fucking nuts.

I don't get whats going on. We are 8 weeks in and the only team I can say for sure is really good is Pittsburgh (and even they lost last night). None of the good teams appear to know how to take care of business. They all have glaring holes. Green Bay can't run and they don't seem to understand the rules of football. The Saints are either fucking with the crappy teams are they are just not as good as last year. They've already lost 3 games including a game at home to the Browns. Patriots just do enough to get by, far from the dominate team we've seen them field in the past. Philledelphia looked great untill Vick busted his ribs and they got 37 put on them by the Titans.

On the flip side the Oakland Raiders looked awful (again) until they won their last two games by a combined score of 92 to 17 (and the Seahawks took one of those losses).

Minnesota sucks. Favre's playing on a busted ankle and dealing with the dong picture allegations. 49ers are 2-6, the Cowboys are 1-6... seriously go look at my predictions going into the season- I apparently knew NOTHING.

SERIOUSLY WHAT IS GOING ON!?!??

Who is good? The Jets scored 9 points at home (still won though). Ravens in week 7 had to go to over time with winless Buffalo.

And that brings me back to the Seahawks. I thought after the Marshawn Lynch trade they had turned a corner. They were 2-0, with wins at home and on the road. They were taking care of business. Could they possibly be good?

Well that question seemingly got an answer on Sunday with the Raiders taking us out back and shoving their foot in our ass.

And don't even get me started on my fantasy team. Yes, the losing streak did fall to 3 games this week.

Someone make the bleeding stop.

Dropping a Deuce at school or work

Let me paint a picture for you:

It's 9:13 am, and I am in the handicap stall with my legs spread out, laptop on my bare knee, taking a shit that is going to result in me being tracked by the government from now on for possible terrorist connections. Believe me, it's putrid.

But how awesome is America and technology where I can experience this joy on an almost daily basis. I am cleaning out my colon, while peacefully reading twitter updates. As long as I can do that-the terrorists will never win.

Same thing with doing it at work. I make it a point to take time out of my work day (an unplanned break of course) to go in the bathroom and grow a tail. I get paid to get called a "piece of shit" all day, so why not get paid to make a "piece of shit"? It's the biggest no brainer, ever.

I wish I could take a picture of how much room the handicap really have in here. Do they need chaperones to come poop? Thats the only explanation for having THIS much room. While the poor schmuck in the next stall has to practically stand up while squeezing one out just to fit.

I don't go out of my way to shit in the handicap stall. There was just someone else in the other one. But I'm glad I did. This is luxury. This must be what Peter Griffin felt like when he discovered the executive bathroom.

Alright I'm gonna go. I gotta put my laptop down to wipe.

PS. I wrote about this phenomenon once on my Myspace blog. If you feel like reading more of my thoughts about shitting while having a laptop feel free to snoop around. I'll even provide a link

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=380162430&blogId=447219185

Week 6 thoughts

Despite the fact that I was supposed to be at work at 8:30 this morning, I woke up with a little bit of a pep in my step. Wanna knowh why?

You sure?

Ok...it's be cause THE "BIG SEXUAL ASSAULTER" Ben Roethlisberger is back! Thats right baby! Fathers, lock away your daughters. Ladies, stay out of bar bathrooms. Big Ben is free from the shackles of suspension and ready to run wild all over Clevelands collective bitch ass.

And yes, my excitement is fantasy related. It's sure not because I enjoy Roethlisberger as a human, nor do I like the Steelers. My fantasy team just happens to be heavily involved in the Steeler organization.

So here is to thinking happy thoughts about this douche bag as he is throwing touchdowns for my team this week.

• As soon as Vick returns, I'll be starting three guys who have had atleast 4 week suspensions in the Roger Goodell era. I may change my team name to Goodells Doghouse.
• Marshawn Lynch makes his debut for the Seattle today. Hopefully he is able to create holes... 'cuz the offensive line sure isn't doing it.
• Brett Favres penis pictures once again prove my point that old people should be trusted with technology.
• Thoughts on the Branch trade: Cool dude, hope he does well in New England. But I'm sure glad I don't have to hold my breath everytime he runs a route thinking something on him is about to break anymore.

Alright, time to go back to work, ya know cuz I don't want to get fired.

100

ClinicallyAwesome is dropping post 1-0-0 right now. Thats pretty cool right?

I've been thinking about this moment for awhile now. I knew it was coming, eventually. After every post, I look over in the archieve just to make sure I haven't pased it yet.

Simply put, I was very mindful of the benchmark. However, here I am at entry number 100, and I don't have dick to say.

At least nothing awesome.

My life has been reduced to a caffeine addiction and perpetual exhausted pissy-ness due to the school-work-homework daily grind. I'm not joking about the addiction either, I was drinking Rockstar Fruit Punch so frequently my body literally shut down for a day. I couldn't steady my hands enough to type. It was intense.

But thats what I got now. I don't have time to go drinking as much. Sure I'll have a beer here and there, but gone are the wild nights, and mornings of shame (we can also thank the domestication of boyfriendhood for that as well).

Truth be told, I haven't had a regretful hangover since July. But that night was awesome.

It started off as a casual beer pong night. The Girlfriend and I had just gotten back together, and wanted to spend time with some of our friends. Multiple losing efforts of beer pong later, I was shit faced and tired of losing.

So I tried distracting my friends the best way I knew how.... by showing my ball sack (if memory serves me correct, I as performing the bat wing. If you are unaware of the bat wing, please view the movie "Waiting..." for reference). Despite my ball sacks interference, I racked up another loss.

The Girlfriend and I demanded a rematch with Dane and Huber (who were basically the last men standing at this point... every one else had passed out or gone home). This time, I was going to pull out all the stops. I stretched out, and focused my drunk mind. I was searching for the special place.

I was looking for my Jordan Zone.

Before the game began, I had a revelation. I knew what must be done to put myself over the top and guarantee a victory. I got completely naked. Un-tamed, Macy Grey mug shot looking bush be damned. I went full Monty to distract my competition.

Though we still lost, I woke up with a very valuable lesson learned that night. Drunken competitiveness is a mother fucker.

I wish I would've told that story when it actually happened. Maybe the details wouldn't have been so fuzzy.

But thats been it for the booze stories since then. School and work make it impossible for me to get too crazy. I wish I did though, I mean this is blog 100! I need something to talk about.

I wish I had a rant about the Blazers ( though Greg Odens knee is really starting to get my face hot), but I actually have a positive outlook on them heading into the season. Not that I don't have a positive outlook every season, but there is something about the way that team handles on NBA 2k11 that has me just straight giddy for October 26th.

I guess we could just look at the awesomeness that is the number 100. I mean who sticks to something they don't get paid to do that long anyway? I tried to record a rap album once. Actually I've tried multiple times. I got like two songs in and shelved it. I could've been the next 2pac, but we'll never find out because that takes time and I got shit to do.

I started this blog while I was trying to make living in California work. I went down there with barely enough money to buy a flat screen tv, let alone money for living. That idea ( like the rap album) got shelved. However the blog keep firing away. The original idea for it was just to tell stories of alcohol induced mischief and other embarrassing (and possibly incriminating) tales. I believe this was around the time I was introduced to Tucker Max... so that makes sense.

As the drinking stories tank has dried up, the sports rants have been coming frequently. I had a very productive summer at formulating my ideas into my writing. We can probably thank LeBron for that.

The point I'm trying to make is, I'm proud of this thing. Despite the fact that only like 10 people read it, I'm proud of it. I literally have to put a gun to my brothers head to get him to come here... and he spends A LOT of time on the internet. Just sitting there.

But I've stuck to something that rarely shows any reward (thats a lie, any time someone says 'read your blog dude, good stuff' I get embarrassingly wet in my pants), and I'm gonna continue until I find a way to get paid to do this. Thats my promise. If a guy like Tucker Max can get paid to write that bull shit, I can find a way too. It's my American Dream.

So with that, Clinically Awesome has it's 100 post.

Suck on that, Chamberlin.

Week 5

I felt the need to post this just for my future enjoyment. Today I started Shaun Hill and only Shaun Hill at quarterback for my ESPN league (we typically start 2 quarterbacks).

I was doing this party out of protest, and partly because I was THAT confident in my team.

While I was waiting for kick off, I decided to inform the rest of my league that my one quarterback line up was a decision I made, and not neglegent management.

Here is the post I wrote:

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN REPORTING BELVIN TO START 1 QB

10-10-10, a day that will happen once a century, the Belvin Cup Dynasty (3-1) is going to attempt to do something less likely- win with one starting Quarterback.

"It's a move we've been thinking about all week, since we got the news on Mike" B.C.D owner Andrew Belvin said in a press conference earlier this week. "It started as a joke, but after Lampe dicked us with his Waiver priority... well, it be came a little more serious."

The issue came after fantasy feel good story Michael Vick went down week 4, injuring his ribs. With Ben Rothlisburger not set to make his return from suspension until week 6, Belvin had to make roster decisions for his second starting quarterback position. Naturally, Kevin Kolb was a natural decision for a pick up.

Owner of Team Alpha, Cory Lampe, had other ideas.

Lampe(2-2), who recently made news by having a bench that completely outplayed his starters, decided that he would use his waiver wire position to pick up Kolb, despite having 4 playing quarterbacks already on the roster.

"He (Lampe) did it because he thought it would force someone’s hand." A league source said when asked about the logic behind picking up a 5th quarterback. It's no secret Lampe, who is legendary at offering vomit inducing trades, has been searching for the pieces to recover from another awful draft.

Reportedly, Lampe had been trying to get Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw from the Cup Dynasty but hasn’t been willing to offer anything worth taking a look at. By taking the position with Kolb, Lampe was hoping to finally get Belvin to agree to one of his ridiculous trades. No representative from Team Alpha was available for comment.

“American doesn’t negotiate with terrorist. So why the (expletive delete) would I?” Belvin said when asked why he didn’t just make the trade with Lampe. “Lampe offered me a trade everyday for Bradshaw. I told him I would rather start one quarterback then make a trade with him.”

And that seems to be exactly what he is doing. Not wanting to make team crippling decisions with Rothlisburgers return looming. Still, even though he looks to start one quarterback during this weeks matchup against Dutch Master (1-3), Belvin remains confident in his team.

“Last year we were ‘2 Belvins 1 cup’; I guess on Sunday we’ll be ‘1 Belvin 1 quarterback’.”

Greg Giraldo

Next week, to the day, I was supposed to be see one of my favorite comedians perform at the new club, Helium, in downtown Portland. Sadly, thats not going to happen.

Greg Giraldo, the Comedy Central Roast veteran, passed away today.

Not to take away from any other death- but Giraldo was a very funny man and consistantly the brightest star of any of the Comedy Central Roasts. Shit, he is one of the main reasons I tuned into both season of Lewis Blacks "Root of All Evil."

Since I won't be able to see him like I had planned, I'm going to list some of his funniest roast quotes on here. If you don't know the dude, youtube his work. He is a LEGEND with the insults.

So, in honor of the fallen funny man, here are some funny things the man has said:

• To Ice T: "you fuckin’ fossil. You’re so old, the first thing you bought with your record deal money was your freedom. On your first album, the ‘n-word’ was ‘negro.'"
• Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton."
• To Michael Moore: "If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds"
• TO Kathy Griffin: You’ve been stitched up thousands of times but you’re still sad to look at. You’re like the AIDS quilt."
• To Joan Rivers:"You are one irritating Jew broad...first time I heard your voice my foreskin fell off."
• To Gilbert Godfried: "Gilbert is famously cheap. I’m impressed you’re here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You’re like David Carradine"
• To Seth Macfarlane: ”You made all your money because you created a f*cked up, criminal baby. You’re like Michael Lohan.”
• Said to Greg, from Laurie Kilmartin : " Greg, you self hating husband. I've never heard anyone hate his wife like Greg hates his. The only reason Greg Keeps getting her pregnant is he's hoping she'll die during child birth."

Funny shit. Funny dude. I'll always wish I got to see him live.

Rest in Peace, Greg.

The Untitled Rant about Why I Do Not Like Adrian Beltre

I shouldn't be writing on here right now. I'm burried up to my neck in shit right now. I'm supposed to be working on homework right now. Ass tons of reading, two essays and two presentations are come due soon. But I can not let this slide.

Today, Rob Neyer (baseball Analyst for ESPN) ruined my day. I'm sure he didn't mean to, but nevertheless, the mother fucker did it. Today he publicly put Adrian Beltre's name in the MVP discussion.

Granted, he didn't say "Adrian Beltre should be MVP," but he might as well have. All he was saying is that Beltre belongs in the discussion, which was more then enough to light a fire under my ass. That is that sensitive of a subject. He might as well have said Brandon Roy was gay.

Now Adrian Beltre might be a good person. He might be the male version of mother Teresa. I have never heard a bad story about the man. That being said, I do not like him. Few professional athletes have caused me to swear at the TV as much as Adrian Beltre did during his tenure for the Seattle Mariners.

For those of you who need a reminder of why I hate Adrian Beltre, alow me to catch you up to speed. Adrian Beltre was a promising young third basemen who came up in the Dodgers organization. In 2004 at age 25, he was second in the NL MVP voting by playing solid 3rd base, and leading the Dodgers to a division title with a .334 average, 48 home runs and 121 RBI's.

That winter, he told the world he was taking his talents to the Puget Sound to play for the Seattle Mariners. To this day, it remains the most exciting free agent signing any of my teams have made.

However, over the next 5 years (at an age when players are their most productive), Adrian Beltre delivered a production level on par with a shit sandwhich. He never hit .300. He never hit 30 home runs. And he never topped 100 RBI's. The Mariners who won 90 games the year before we signed him, never sniffed the playoffs with him in uniform.

Now there are Adrian Beltre apologists who say "Stop complaining! He gave you gold glove defense." Fuck you. We aren't talking about a David Bell, who made about 1 mill a year. We are talking about a player who was paid to come in and save an anemic offense. We were only two seasons removed from a defense who had set a then record for best fielding percentage ever(2001, look it up). We needed a bat. Improving the defense was not a high priority.

Adrian was paid to anchor a batting order. He was supposed to be the power hitter we had been lacking since A-Rod left and Edgar retired, and Boone's body mysteriously broke down. We paid him handsomely to do so. He recieved an average of 12.9 million dollars per season just to put lumber on a ball. Obvioulsy with that money we would hope he would continue our new tradition of good defense, but the power is what he was being brough it on for. Apparently that message got jumbled up. Because while he developed into a spectacular fielder (2 gold gloves as a Mariner), his offense often left something to be desired.

The only thing Beltre was better at than fielding ground balls was hitting them. What a douche.

Mercifully, his contracted ended last. Adrian Beltre took his monsterous (and un powerful) forearms, his crappy batting average and his glove, and shipped off to Boston over the winter. Not one single Mariner fan gave it a second thought. We signed another good fielding 3rd baseman (Chone Figgins) for half the price and that was that.

Although it did become a joke among my friends that he was going to remember how to hit this seasons so he could get a big pay day again next year.

Sadly, Figgins sucked and Beltre found his power stroke tucked away in the back of his closet. All season he has been paying homage to his 2004 campaign, hitting the shit out of the ball again. I had him on my fantasy baseball team, and everytime he hit a home run it felt like a cock punch. I should've been happy- he was producing for my fantasy team. But after every good game I found myself thinking "oh now he hits the ball."As of right now he leads the league in doubles and looks like he will have his first 30 hr, 100 rbi, and .300 average since he left LA.

Here is my nightmare scenerio:

Boston is currently 6.5 games out of the wild card with 11 games to go. They would need a mircile to somehow back into the post season. But for arguements sake, lets say they do. Lets say Boston goes ape shit for the last 11 games, led by an onslaught from Adrian Beltre, they find a way to pass Tampa Bay for the Wild Card.

Now because Josh Hamilton injured his ribs, the MVP debate has reopened for the first time since June. If Adrian Beltre were to help lead Boston's miricle comeback with a .300/30/100, he would quite possibly step in and become the favorite for MVP.

(Also helping his cause would be the piece Rob Neyer undoubtably has ready to run in case this scenereo takes place- bringing up the fact that Adrian Beltre was robbed in 2004 by Barry Bonds. And since the Baseball writers (and the world) hate Barry Bonds, this would sway sympathy votes from on the fence voters)

Again this is a nightmare scenerio. Josh Hamiltons numbers are the stuff legends are made of. But as long as the Sox have life and Hamiltons ribs keep him out of the line up-it remains possible.

It has been hard enough watching the Mariners this season. They're offense is bad beyond description. With two weeks left they have a .238 team average and have scored 2 or less runs in game 68 times. They are averaging almost a run and half per game under the American league average. You can almost guarentee they be losing 100 games this season (only 7 more losses).

This sucks. Next year doesn't look any better. Please, please, please Boston, just roll over and eliminate yourself. I cannot bare the idea of this season being capped off with an Adrian Beltre MVP.

I will now cut my ear off and give it to a whore.

Status Update: Week1

Week 1 is barely through the first wave of games and I'm already an emotional wreck. I'm sweating profusly and my legs won't stop moving. The combonation of Fantasy Football, crappy sleep, and caffiene have me more damaged the Ben Rothlisburgers last date. Currently, I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, and I've had enough rockstar not only to fail my kidneys but could finally kill Keith Richards.

If this is any early implication on how this season is going to go, Fantasy Football is going to ruin my life.

• I will make it my lifes work to ensure Chris Johnson remains on my fantasy teams. Forever.
• Fuck Arian Foster, Dallas Clark and Hakeem Nicks. Unless I get superhuman performances from my afternoon team... those three are going to be responsible for the ass beating I recieved.
• Mike Tomlin in Aviators looks like an extra from Black Dynamite.
• Really nervous about the start of the Pete Carroll era this week. I tried to get my friends to give me some hope but the only response I got to the question (someone make me feel good about the up coming season) was "Jake locker".
• Really funny bit on ESPN's pre game about how Wes Welker sold his soul to the Devil to cut his recovery time in half. Then he promptly scored 2 touchdowns. Yes, he is on one of my Fantasy teams.
• That Calvin Johnson catch was just that- a catch. If you think otherwise, you are wrong. If I were him I would just hold on to the ball till he goes home after his next touchdown.

Damnit, the Seahawks turned the ball over on the first play of the game. I hadn't even switched to the game yet. I'm going to go prepare for what could be a very, very long season.

2010 predictions: Taking it to the panel

I know we are already one game into the season (New Orleans defended their title against the Minnesota Vikings on Thursday), but I don't give a shit... I'm putting in my predictions now.

But I'm not coming alone, I'm bringing a four man panel. We're going to get on record to throw our picks out to see who will win.

Me:

NFC

West-49ers (that hurt)

East-Cowboys

North-Packers

South-Saints

Wild card 1-Falcons and Minnesota

AFC

West- Chiefs

East-Patriots

North-Ravens

South-Colts

Wild card-Jets and Bengals

Superbowl New England over Greenbay

Rob:

West- 49ers

East- cowboys

North-Packers

South- Saints

Wild Cards Panthers and Giants

AFC

West-Chiefs

East- Patriots

North Bengals

South- Colts

Wild Card- Titans and Jets

Superbowl- Colts over Greenbay

JESSE:

NFC

West-49ers

East- Cowboys

North- Packers

South- Saints

WILDCARD- Falcons and Minnesota

AFC

West- Chargers

East- Jets

North- Baltimore

South- Houston

WILD CARD- Colts and Patriots

Superbowl- Packers over Baltimore

Dad:

NFC

West- 49er

East-Cowboys

North- Packers

South- Falcons

Wild cards- Saints and Minnesota

West- Raiders

East- Patriots

North-Baltimore

South- Colts

Wild Card- Steelers and Chargers

Superbowl

Colts over Green Bay

Heyman THEorY

Quick disclaimer: This next post is going to be focus primarly on a current TNA wrestling angle. If you are someone who absolutely can't stand wrestling, then you might want to reread some of my previous work. That being said, this is going to be awesome.

Following his win over Rhino on Sunday at NO Surrender, "The Monster" Abyss looked into the camera and reaffirmed what he had been saying for months.

"They are coming. 10-10-10." He screamed.

What Abyss is saying is that at Bound For Glory (which is October 10th, 2010), TNA will finally shed some light on their longest running story arch: a pending invasion angle which they've been setting up since mid June. What he's saying, is the "They" that he has been cryptically working for throughout the summer will finally have a face. 10-10-10, they're going to let us know what the fuck is going on. Because really, no one knows whats coming.

That hasn't stopped people from throwing some wild ass theories out there. Over the last three months, the Internet Wrestling Community has ran wild with hypotheses about the identity of "They".

In June, we thought "They are coming" signaled the long anticipated arrival of wrestling guru. Paul Heyman. It was not. In July, the presence of former ECW stars (Tommy Dreamer, Raven, Stevie Richards etc) had us speculating over a Hardcore themed revolution. It wasn't long before we found out they too, were not the "They" Abyss spoke of. In fact Abyss went as far to say that "They" (whoever they were) were not happy about the idea of 'Hardcore Jusitce'.

In August, after Abyss and the newly formed Fortune took out the former ECW stars (now named EV2.0 to avoid legal complications), it was assumed that THEY were who Abyss warned us about. Abyss not only debunked the theory that Fortune was behind everything, he went then announced that the date of arrival for who he was speaking of was 10-10-10 (again, the date for Bound for Glory).

If reading those last couple of paragraphs confused you, and/or left you a little angry... feel free to join the club. We have jackets made up and everything. A little piece of me died each time "They" were failed to be revealed.

TNA has effectively built up the anticipation for this huge storyline, but they have systematically eliminated seemingly all the people capable of delivering a huge payoff. Heyman never showed up, it wasn't Ev2.0, and it's not Fortune. Wild internet theories are now pointing to Hogan and Bischoff (or maybe just one of them) pulling a giant blanket over our eyes and being behind it the whole time (which would tie in Sting's storyline as well, but that is for another day). Which would suck because honestly, it would make no sense. Abyss has explicitly said that Bischoff AND Hogan AS WELL AS President Dixie Carter are all targeted to be "taken out". Also, neither of them need to stage an invasion because they already are presented to hold ultimate authority.

So who could it be? Who or what could be big enough to deliever on a pay off nearly 5 months in the making (which in modern day wrestling is like seven years of storylines)?

Well, Paul Heyman, of course.

I have thought about it long and hard (to be honest, I have put so much thought in it, it's embarrassing) and the pony tailed creator of ECW is the only one that makes ANY sense.

Of course this is just a theory, but I think it's a damn good one. And if it somehow plays out to be true, then the people responsible should when Pulitzer. If this theory is true that means TNA and Paul Heyman created something thought to be impossible in today's internet age... they would have been able to keep a secret.

This idea becomes less far fetched that they could do this when you break down who we are talking about. On one side of the negotiating table we have Dixie Carter and TNA Wrestling. TNA has long been a head of the pack when it comes to the handling of the internet. They embrace the information super highway. They produce shows intended specifically for the internet, featuring content like bonus matches and interviews. Not to mention most of their wrestlers connect with the public through social media outlets, such as twitter, which they use to hype weekly shows and pay per view events.

Dixie Carter herself is often criticized by her recent use of hyping 'big announcements' through twitter. Multiple times over the summer, Carter mentioned announcements that 'will change TNA forever' that seemed to have never come to fruition. Carter was accused heavily for hyping things that were either not that imortant, or maybe not even official to begin with. Biggest example was before Slammaversary, Dixie promised 'TNA was about to change forever'. Everyone assumed this meant Paul Heyman would be making his debut. It ended up being Tommy Dreamer.

But what if she never meant for it to take place then. She never mentions a date. Is it possible that we have yet to see the results of what she was referring too? Unlikely if you look at the quickness in which storylines are slapped together today. But when you start to think about the other party involved, it becomes a little more plausable.

On the other side of the table, we have Paul Heyman himself. The Mad Genius behind the rise (and fall) of Extreme Championship Wrestling. The mouth piece behind Brock Lesners meteoric rise in the WWE. A man considered by many to possess what TNA needs to save them. If Paul Heyman truly posses the creative ingenuity to take TNA to higher grounds, is it beyond reasoning that he could've orchestrated something like this?

My Theory is simple: I believe Paul Heyman and TNA have agreed to terms and that Paul Heyman will be taking over at Bound For Glory. I believe that it was been planned for months now, and that Paul Heyman has been able to successfully keep the internet in the cold.

Speculation aside, there are things we DO know.

• We know TNA has been able to keep a secret in the past. There were NO hints about the Hogan and Bischoff signing before it happened.


• We do know that when Dixie Cart tweeted "if you guys only knew who I met with today" on July 8th, it was with Paul Heyman.


• We do know that before that meeting Paul Heyman never took TNA's offers seriously.


• We know that Heyman has outlandish demands. Huge payday, complete control etc.


• We know outside of those demands, Paul Heyman is VERY interested in working with the Spike TV network. Possibly on other projects as well.


• We know that talks were reported to be dead by the end of July. Then a report of a phone conference between Spike TV executives and Paul Heyman leaked to the internet.


• We know Spike TV wants Paul Heyman.


• Reportedly, Heyman was said to be close to a deal with Strikeforce (an MMA company-like a low rent UFC). Maybe he is, maybe thats just part of the work. We can go ahead and cross of working with Spike TV if he signs with Strikeforce, they're already work with TNA and UFC.

Hmmm... could the swerve be on? Possibly.

If Paul Heyman were ever to come back to pro wrestling, one would assume it wouldn't be to rehash old storylines. Heyman is an innovator who is always looking to do whats never been done. That was one of the draws behind ECW. He is going to find what the wrestling industry's next big thing is, and be one of the first to exploit it.

Ken Anderson (a current TNA wrestler, and friend of Heyman) during an interview on ESPN 540 Pro Wrestling Report said, "I know Paul Heyman keeps up with pop culture more then any human being I know. He knows whats going on, he knows whats popular. He knows what people are going to bite on".

So what is wresltings next frontier? What would people "bite on." Well, Heyman does know the internet. He runs the popular website, heymanhustle.craveonline.com. Is it unreasonable to think that someone with a track record of creating new and shocking storylines, and has a working experience with the internet (especially with today's emphasis on the information the internet provides), would try and use the internet to sell a storyline?

He has been somewhat outspoken about his dealings with TNA as of late. Even though most of his comments could be considered as critical, it still should raise an eyebrow. During an interview an August on MMA Hour with Ariel Helwani, Heyman even went as far to say he had 'justified his own interest' in regards to working with TNA and Spike TV. He was quoted to saying, "They're not ready for me, " while discussing whether or not that meant he was going to be joining. TNA being ready or not, it didn't stop him from giving a taste of what to expect if he were to ever gain control, and putting the ever increasing veteran influence on notice, "if you're over 40, then I'd cut your fucking head off."

Which brings me perfectly into why I think he will finally show up with a faction of young superstars at Bound For Glory (just got on record, I believe Christopher Daniels will be apart of it). I believe"They" are coming to begin a crusade to rid TNA of the pay check stealing veterans and talent that can't draw.

They're coming for Hogan, Bishcoff and the people they brought in. They're coming for Ev2.0 (Heyman was openly critical about the reunion show as well). They're coming for the old guys. They're coming for whoever shouldn't be there. They're coming for Dixie Carter for allowing this to happen.

Heyman said he would cut their heads off the old guys and build new stars. What if it wasn't just specualtion. What if he was telling us what he IS going to do?

Questions about Pete Carroll and the Seahawks

One week from today my Seattle Seahawks make theri 2010 debute against the San Fransisco 49ers. And I'm not really sure how I feel about that.

I've been extremely flip floppy in my anticipation over the up coming season. A month ago, I would've been ok with skipping the NFL and going to straight to the NBA season. Two weeks ago (after my first fantasy draft) I was ready for the NFL, but strictly for gambling purposes. One week ago, after my second draft (and a masterful one at that), was stoked for the upcoming year. Still, my excitement is primarely reserved for Fantasy purposes.

Excitement for Fantasy Football aside, I remain alarmingly skeptical about the 2010 version of my Seahawks. And for good reason- I have no idea what to expect from this team.

Initally I expected a shitty year and a strong push for local boy Jake Locker. Evidence from the last two years strongly supports that expectation. The Seahawks, who are only 5 years removed from playing in the Superbowl, are a combined 9-23 since they last won the NFC west in 2007.

They're big move in the offseason this year was the firing of Jim Mora after one season, and quickly replacing him with NCAA refugee Pete Carroll (who brings with him an NFL career record of 33-31 and a life time of bad Karma from bailing on USC once shit hit the fan with the players recieving money scandle).

I gotta take a break right there.

To be honest, I've actually been looking at that last paragraph for a half hour and I have no idea where to go. 9 months after we hired him and I'm still confused as to why. Seriously, what do we gain by bringing him in?

I get that he was a very successful coach in college. I'll give him that (I won't even mention that his former team just got bitch slapped by the NCAA for violations involving players recieving money-oops). But that was college. This is the pro's. And in the NFL, he was mediocre. He coached one year with the Jets going 6-10. His next stab at being a head coach came when he took over the New England Patriots (the year after their Superbowl loss to the Greenbay Packers). He lasted 3 years that time going 27-21 and missing the playoffs his final year.

Again I'm torn. Here we have a coach who has an above .500 record as a head coach, but was fired twice in four seasons. He had unrivaled success for nearly a decade in college, but suddenly became available for a return to the NFL when it was discovred that former USC stars recieved illegal contributions under his watch. He took the Patriots to the playoffs in 97 and 98. In '99 he missed the playoffs, and was ultimately let go.

In 2001, the New England Patriots the Superbowl.

Lets give Pete the benifit of the doubt with that whole situation. After all the 2000 Patriots only won 5 games. So they techniqually were worse without him. The '01 Patriots team wasn't oozing with talent either. It was Bill Belichick turning in one of the all time great coaching performances by taking nothing more then average talent (led by unknown back up QB Tom Brady) and getting them to grossly over achieve while he schemed their way to stealing a Superbowl from the offensive powerhouse St. Louis Rams.

The question as always: was Pete that bad, or was Bill that good?

Signs point to Bill being that good. After all, he does have three rings and coached the only team since 1972 Dolphins to go undefeated during the regular season.

Also an interesting stat to look at: Belicheck's record through his first four years as head coach: 31-33. Which doesn't mean anything, but worth looking at anyway. Especially when trying to stir up excitement for your team.

Do I expect Carroll to be like Belicheck. No, no, no, I do not. Do I expect Seattle to win more games with him then they did with Mora? Thats the thing, I don't know.

On paper, Carroll is basically bringing back the same damn team. They have added RB Leon Washington, and rookies Golden Tate, Earl Thomas and prized first round draft pick Russel Okung (who already has a right ankle sprain). Most of the core guys are still there. Matt Hasselback, Justin Forset, Marcus Trufant, Lofa Tatupa and Aaron Curry all remain in uniform. Returning players is all fine and good, but those core guys gave us a 5 win season. Forgive me for not doing cart-wheels.

I understand they were injury depleted. Hasselback, Trufant and Tatupa all missed serious time last year. And I have been known to defend Hasselback till I'm blue in the face, often by citing "no quarterback has the abillity to complete passes while laying on their back." That being said, the question as always-why should I think this year is different?

Am I supposed to believe that our offensive line is going to give Hasselback some breathing room and help keep him on his feet? They're already having issues with Okungs ankle and the sudden departure of Alex Gibbs (Gibbs, known as the "Godfather of Zone Blocking" was our offensive line coach). Is it possible that our D-Line is going to be able to stop anybody? They sure couldn't last year.

Here is a big question, am I supposed to buy into the 'Mike Williams is going to be an upgrade over TJ Houshmandzadeh?' theory?


Thats what the Seahawks believe, or atleast what they're trying to sell us after the suprise releasing of the former All-Pro on Saturday. TJ Housmandzadeh is out after one season. Mike Williams is in after being out of the league for the last two years due to him being fat. The Seahawks have dropped our top producing Reciever and someone who had guarenteed money coming to him to make room for one of Carrolls former USC recievers. This isn't the first time I've seen this move, where a team pays someone to NOT play for their team. It happens alot actually. The Blazers did it to Steve Francis. What makes this situation unique is the fact that paying someone to not play for your team is typically reserved for shit heads who can't stay out of trouble and are taking more off the table then they're putting on. But TJ isn't a shit head, and most importantly-HE WAS STILL PRODUCING!


I know Mike Williams played good in the pre season, but that doesn't say much. It's still the preseason. He is going to have to produce like the former 1st round pick that he is all season. He better have a made for Hollywood style comeback year, for this situation not to smell like shit. It is absolutely a must for him to play out of his damn mind if the Seahawks want us to forget they're paying TJ almost 7 million dollars to play somewhere else this season.


Lots of questions. Lots, and lots of questions going into the season. Is our O-Line going to block somebody this year? Or does Hasselback have to upgrade his health insurance? Is Mike Williams going to still look like a monster when he isn't covered by guys who will be pumping gas a week from now? Is Pete Carroll going to be able to avoid repercussions from the karmic holocaust he caused with his departure of USC? 7 day's till those questions start getting some answers.


On the subject of our coaching change, I guess I'm willing to give Carroll a chance. I have to. The Seahawks have given me no choice. It feels like a forced family vacation to Idaho. I'm not happy about it, but the Seahawks are my team and I'm going to support them for better or worse.

On the brighside, if we suck again this year...we can always fire him and draft Jake Locker!

Cabeza De Vaca can Suck my Cock-a

Monday was somewhat of a milestone for me. For the first time in nearly three years, I packed up my backpack and took my ass back to class. Yes, I am a officially a college boy again. Somewhere, my mother is smiling.

Waking up at the crack of dawn (8 am) I traveled a great distance ( 15 minute drive time) to get to my first ever class at WSU-V (Washington State University Vancouver). Jokes aside I was nervous as shit about my first day. After all I was making a pretty big commitment here.

I was jumping back into the pool with out testing the waters. Full time student, full time employee, AND full time boyfriend. If you look at available time as a full pie, after all that I get left with crumbs. The way I originally had my schedule organized barely left me enough time to shit, let alone any video game, gym or beer time. I knew heading into my first day that this was going to be intense, and I may grow to regret it.

My class schedule was History 40-something. English 402. Philosophy and a Humanities class focusing on "Hip Hop and Film in Society". Now I know it's almost been 3 years since I turned in my last final, but I can still sniff out the classes that are going to have a ton of homework. And all four of those classes reaked of it.

I showed up to my first class a little early. The people who were the before me were scattered through out the room. The lights were still off in the room and no one was really talking. A couple of whispers here and there. Mostly just dark and quiet. Already not enjoying the vibe.

Class was about two minutes away from starting and the professor hadn't showed up yet. I was the only one sitting at my table. I kept thinking about how I wish I knew someone in this class. Literally seconds later the door swung open, and in walked my buddy Turd from High School. Thank you God, I thought. Maybe this won't be so bad.

The professor came in a few moments later. He was a tall, string bean looking nerd of a man. I would never question that this guy was a history professor. Lets just say that if this dude was an actor, the only time he'd get work is if the scene needed a history professor.

He made it clear from the begining this was not going to be the class for me.

"I'm (I honestly forgot his name already, so you can fill in the blank). Hopefully, you are all in the right class. This is History 406 (I think that was the number). " Yes, yes I am. His introduction was typical. It had a bit of smugness that comes with every dude who spent their entire twenties in college and sober. Nothing I haven't encountered before. So far so good. He then add's this fun little ice breaker. "We will be studying Coloniol America. It's an important time period for all of you, since I imagine you are all History majors."Uh... I'm an English major.

" Or whatever you are. Hopefully not a pointless a major like English." HEY! FUCK YOU DUDE.

Now he did go on to say that he was joking but the comment had me questioning everything. Doubt had crept into my mind and the syllabus hadn't even come out yet.

They syllabus came and only solidified my doubt. The class was requiring me to read multiple read books, on top of two text books (5 all together). A book report along with Weekly essays. Two research essays. By-weekly Tests, and a partridge in a pair tree! Welcome back to school, I thought. This is my first quarter back? Really!? What dumbass picked these classes?!

I mean this is my first quarter back. I haven't studied dick other then box scores in three years. Any essay I had written has either been about my itchy penis, black outs, or sports. Then keep in mind that I work full time. That means I go to class at nine in the morning, and I leave work at eight at night. Saturday is the only day where I don't have class or work. Or how about the girlfriend!? I'm no miss Cleo, but I saw into the future at that moment: I was locked in a padded room, wearing a straight jacket, and drooling everywhere while some old lady came in and read my Dr. Suess books once a week.

SCREW THIS! The message was clear from the professors joke and the syllabis :this class is not going to be for you!

After I left class that day I went home (I had a few minutes before work), confirmed that dropping that class wasn't going to screw up my financial aid (it wasn't), then promptly told class 'thanks, but no thanks'.

I guess it's better to check the temperature before jumping into the deep end.

Goldberg, Revenge and a Stick Horse named Pepe

I've always found it funny what my brain chooses to remember and what it forgets. How does the subconscious decide what's too important to disregard, and what is useless? Good example : why am I able to remember things like the starting lineup for the 1999 Portland Trail Blazers, but not the ionic number for Uranium?

I have a hard time remembering specific events from High School. But I can tell you the whole plot of a random short story I wrote during that time. I can tell you the shirt I wore three years ago on a date, but not be able to tell you what the name was of the girl I was on the date with.

That being said, I'm not confused over the fact that I can distinctly remember the first time I witnessed people excited over Professional wrestling. I just think it's odd. Not because it was almost 15 years ago. Mainly because I wasn't even in the room watching wrestling when it happened.

Here is what happened: It was June 6 1998. I know this date is factual because I was at my buddy Seans house with him, my brother Jesse, his brother Ty and we were watching the MLB Home Run Derby that night at Coors Field (Griffey won, suck it).

Later that night, after Griffey had accepted his trophy, we were down stairs doing the childhood thing and getting ready for bed. Then out of know where, Seans crazy dad came into the room yelling, "Goldberg is fighting Hogan. Goldberg is fighting Hogan!" Jesse and Tyler freaked out and followed the dad back up stairs. I was too cool for that. Hulk Hogan? Seriously? I mean wrestling was gay. Also, what the fuck was a Goldberg?

Apparently Sean could tell by my facial expression I had no knowledge of this 'Goldberg'. "Dude, Goldberg is undefeated." Sean said quietyly. I remember him vividly being quiet as we sat in his room playing with his action figures. I'm sure he wanted to run up there with our brothers, but didn't want to risk looking un cool in front of me. I never ended up going up there, despite the yelps of extacy that came from atop the stairs. I believe Sean ended up doing it. To this day I regret this decision.

In fact, 24 year old me wishes he could beat the piss out of 11 year old me. Believe that. What I missed was a watershed moment in the history of wrestling. I missed Goldberg stomping his inflated undefeated record into a sold out Georgia Dome for his first World Title match. I missed Hollywood Hogan actually putting somebody over (Hogan gets alot of shit for using his backstage power, and not putting people over. But you gotta give him credit here). I missed Tony Schiavone losing his shit calling the match. I missed the Jack Hammer that shocked the Wrestling World and gave Goldberg his first World Championship.

What a stupid little kid I was.

Why? Well because no more then 4 months later, right before Goldbers first title run ended to Kevin Nash (and Scott Hall's Tazer) at Starcade, I became hooked on pro wrestling.

My love affair with the SPORT of professional wrestling started from simple beginings. It was all because I was a self concious 7th graded who just wanted to be cool. The 8th graders liked wrestling. I wanted to hang out with the 8th graders. My mission became simple: I had to figured out what was so cool about wrestling.

So I checked out an episode of WCW programing. It was an episode of WCW Saturday Night. I remember four things. Norman Smiley, and his taunt, 'the big wiggle'. Disco Inferno, a homo with permed hair who wore gay bell bottoms. A loud mouthed Jackass with big blonde hair named Chris Jericho, and lastely, Chavo Guerrero, a card carrying member of the LWO (Latino World Order) and a guy who came to the ring on a stick horse named Pepe. A STICK HORSE! Oh, how I loved Pepe.

Despite my mothers objections (and they were many), I quickly became a wrestling junkie. It wasn't my fault, wrestling simply offered an addictive formula for me as 13 year old. Violence, video games and skanky chicks. That right there is the holy trinity of developing early teenaged male followers.

By 14 (staying true to the form of a junkie), I had upgraded to a harder drug-The WWF. I had grown tired of what WCW was offering and when my mom wasn't looking, I would flip from Nitro over to Raw. My mom had since given into the fact that we were watching wrestling. She still wasn't cool with it, more like she just accepted it. Because of that acceptance, we had a somewhat unspoken agreement that it was cool because WCW didn't garnish the type of negative attention that WWF did back then.

WWF was where X Pac would tell people to 'suck it' 127 times an episode. WWF was where Vince McMahon exposed his bare ass for people to kiss. WWF is where Miss Kitty came out in a bikini made of bubble wrap. WWF was where the tv got changed to. And it didn't leave.

Still to this day I am an avid watcher of professional wrestling. Not so much the WWE (earlier in this decade they got sued and lost to the World Wildlife Foundation and were told to "get the 'f' out") because they have moved to more family friendly programing.

It's not that I don't like it, it's just hard to watch Raw now and not compare it to what it used to be (they have since took away the skanky women, blood and bad language). Ok, I lied. I fucking hate it. I mean who watches wrestling to not see blood? It's not the same. Case and point: What would the "Die Hard" movies have been like if John McClain didn't end up wearing blood soaked T-Shirts in each one of them? Boring as balls, thats what.

I really could write a book focusing on just my theories and opinions on WWE's "PG" programing, but I'll resist. Thats for another chapter on another day (if I remember).

The Ballad of King Felix

We just finished game 113: a 2-0 co-op shut out tossed by Felix and Ardsma. Another outstanding start by King Felix, handcuffed by another disapointing game for every Mariner in the batting order. The Mariners offense isn't even a joke anymore, it's just fucking depressing.

The Mariners offense has been so abismal (dead last in MLB in every major statistical category except stolen bases) that it has completely overshaddowed the teams legitiment bright spot: Felix Hernandez.

The pitching as a whole has been decent, even after the trading of Cliff Lee. Outside of King Felix and his brilliance and the two months of Cliff Lee, Jason Vargas and Doug Fister have been more then serviceable. Unfortunalty, we also had to sit through a few months of turd sandwiches delieved by Ryan Rowland-Smith and Ian Snell (both of whom have since been placed in the Whitness Protection Agency).

Those schmucks included the Mariners have a team era of 3.93, which is good for 12th in the league. Not good, but certainly not bad. You can almost call it respectable. What's bad is that we are giving up almost four runs a game and only scoring 3.2 runs ourselves.

It's simple math, really: If you score 3 runs a game while giving up 4-you're gonna lose.

This team is so bad offensivly, it often feels like we'd have a better chance at tacking runs up with a Community College team. While doing the research, here are some of the jaw dropping highlights of their offsensive incompetence (I guess it would make more sense to call them 'lowlights'):

• Twice this season they have scored over ten runs :(
• They have been shut out 10 times .
• 69 games this season they have scored 3 runs or less.
• Twice this season they have been shut out in back to back games.
• They have scored 21 runs less then any team in baseball.
• They are flirting with becoming the first team since 1979 to score less then 200 runs in the second half of the season (Last team, 79 Padres).
• They have a team average of .236 while racking up an incredible total of 67 homeruns thus far.

This piece started off as a bitch session about the worst offensive team I've ever seen and a goodbye to Don Wakamatsu. After about 15 minutes of rock kicking, I was reminded of twho the bigger victim in this mess is: Felix.

For the vast majority of the season, Felix has pitched like his childrens lives depend on it. Somehow, despite being 4th in the AL(and 9th in MLB)in ERA, and 2nd in the AL in strike outs- he has posted a record of 8-9. That is the record befitting a third starter having a mediocre season, not an Ace who is pitching out of his mind. Which he is.

Felix, other then the people who pay tickets for every game other then the one he pitches, has been the biggest victim of our teams inabillity to produce anything on offense. To prove my point, lets look at the numbers:

• Twice this season we have scored 7 or more runs in a game for him.
• 7 of his 8 wins he has gone over 8 1/3 innings... including 5 complete games.
• In all 8 wins he has given up 2 runs or less
• In his 25 starts this season we have scored 5 runs or more 5 times.
• In 14 of his 17 losses or no decisions he has given up 3 runs or less.
• He leads ALL OF BASEBALL in quality starts.... that right there is the killer.
  

I'm not trying to prove that the Mariners are bad. All you need to do is pick up your daily news paper and see that they have a firm hold over the celler of the AL West Division to know that they blow goats. I just want to raise awareness of the victims from this mess. It's Don Wakamatsu, or any of the other coaches who got axed this week. It's our minor leaguers like Dustin Ackley and Justin Smoak who are waiting for thier call up, butfor some reason they are still waiting behind the shit crew we have up here right now(you can't tell me they would be any worse). It's Justin Vargas and Doug Fister who have suprised all of us with serviceable seasons.

It's the fans, who pay good money to watch this train wreck.

It's Felix, who shocked everyone by signing a long term extension a full year before he was set to test Free Agency. Now he is doing what he promised and delivers Cy Young caliber starts everytime he takes the mound.

Unfortunatly for him ( and fortunately for the Mariners organization and it's fans) the name on the front of his Jersey says the 'Mariners' and not 'Yankees', and unless he finds a way to get the other team to score negative runs.... he isn't going to win many more games this year.

Now that is depressing.

Girl fart vs Guy fart: the Facebook Manifesto

My brother texted me yesterday asking me to go squash the argument that was taking place over his facebook thread. “Whats it over?” I asked back. “Girl farts vs Guy Farts” he replied. Instant inspiration overtook me, “don’t worry," I replied, "I got an essay ready for these bitches.”

I went home an hour later at lunch, pulled out my laptop and wrote my Girl Fart vs Guy fart manifesto(ironically, I was dropping a deuce while writing it).

Without further ado, here is my reply:

The answer is easy, its girl farts. Does that mean girl farts smell worse? No. Not by a long shot. It's irresponsible for us to assume that the odor caused by female flatulence is ANY different then males. That being said, chick farts-due to their infrequent and often unexpected arrival are far worse then men. Allow me to elaborate:

Males are crude, immature creatures by nature. It's in our genetic code to swear profusely, laugh at inappropriate material, and go days without showering. When a girl makes the consensual decision to hang out with a male in a social setting- they are doing so with the understanding that we may offend them. Offenses including, but not limited to: excessive use of the 'f' word, references to genitals and/or masturbation, and of course, the chance that he may fart.

Now because the girl understands these facts, she is prepared for such and is less likely to be offended. Shock is removed from any situation when you expect it.

Would Pearl Harbor have had the same lasting effect on America if we knew what the Japanese were up to? Hell no. So if the girl has any resemblance of intelligence she is going to understand that guys fart, thus removing the shock from the situation and any chance of her to be offended.

On the flip side, girls want us to assume their farts either A) don't stink, or B) (and not realistically) don't fart at all. By not recognizing a fart as a perfectly normal bodily function, the female is unintentionally keeping the shock value intact.

True story, one summer day I was driving with a female friend of mine (for privacy reasons, I will keep her name from the story). We were having a nice drive, but it was hot as balls outside so we had the windows up with the air conditioner blasting. Then, without warning, I was assaulted by a smell that can only be described as: it smelt like the fat man at the beginning of seven (the gluttony guy) took a shit in my back seat and let it marinate all day under the hot summer sun. The smell CONSUMED my car.

'What the fuck is that smell?' I thought to myself. I pulled into the girls drive way to have a look around. Half expected the Triceratops turd from Jurassic Park to be in the seat behind the driver seat. Fortunately, it was not. However, what I did notice was the smirk on my co pilot’s face. It was a cross between 'oh shit, I fucked up' and ' I have a super awesome secret'.

It didn't take long for her to own up to her crime, but it did take long for her to convince me to not press charges. I was outraged!' How can she be responsible for this!? Girls are not supposed to fart like that' I thought to myself.

Well they do. Girls do fart, and in some cases their farts can be super fucked up. Do they stink worse then guys? Sometimes, yes, but in general, no. Everyone knows I'm capable of melting the paint off the walls off just a slice of pizza.

But that’s where the difference is. When I'm eating a slice- people know its coming. So when it does, nothing gets said. Why do they need to? I'm not ashamed. It's not like I'm NOT going to do it in the future. Just open a window. But when the girl who claims she never fart does it, it gets blown out of proportion.

Girls, you don't want us to think your farts are worse? Then you got two options- A) stop farting or B) just admit that you are human and that you pass a little gas every now and again. That’s all we are asking. Allow us to be prepared.

(That, and maybe have a better diet.)

On second thought ladies, why don't we keep the 'fart' talk to a minimum… No man wants to know that his dinner was prepared near exposed garbage.

ConsPiracy th3ory

Exactly 1 month ago, Kevin Pritchard got fired from doing a job he has done better then anyone in the history of this world- and that was be the GM of the Portland Trailblazers.

In the 1 month A.K.( After Kevin), the Trailblazers have hired a new GM (former Oklahoma City assistant GM Rich Cho) and have added one player, swing man Wes Mathews (formerly of the Utah Jazz). Honestly, Can't complain about either move

Other then those things, we are hurting for anything to stir up news. Atleast untill Chris Paul vocalized his desire to get out of New Orleans again.

Quick back story: CP3 wants out of New Orleans. Duh. No one with 'once in a generation' talent wants to play their home games infront of a crowd of seven people. They also don't want to waste their talents on salvaging basketball casualties like Emecka Okeafor and Mo Peterson (especially when his knee's are on borrowed time already).

Kevin Pritchard, on a last ditched effort to save his job before the draft had a deal near completion that would've sent a number of Blazers to New Orleans in exchange for the player we DIDN'T draft in 2005 (we traded down in the draft so we could select Martell Webster, instead of selecting Deron Williams or Chris Paul. That was pre-Pritchard, obviously). The deal was seemingly done, untill New Orleans owner cock blocked the trade, deflecting KP's hailmary which lead to his dismisal.

Side Note: Now I don't think his inability to bring in CP3 is what got him fired. Obviously, Kevin pissed off some pretty important people-possibly even Paul Allen himself. Thats what got him fired. I think Allen probably went to him after the season and told him the only way to save his job was to land a big fish, aka Lebron or CP3. It didn't happen, and now he is gone. Moving on.

Now here we are, Chris Paul has informed the New Olreans Hornets that he would like to be traded. He understands that each player has an expiring clock, and he wants to play for a winner. He has basically said, 'If the you(the Hornets) are unable to build an acceptable contender around him, then you should trade me.' He has even gone as far as to providing a list of teams he wants to play for (the order varies depending on which source you are reading). The list includes: Dallas, Orland, LA, New York and Portland!

When I read this report, I'll admit, I didn't become un-glued with excitement like you would imagine I would. Why? Well because I didn't think there was a chance for him to actually be a Blazer. After all, that trade was already declined.

But then another rumor started floating around the Blazer based blogs and Portland talk radio. That rumor was this : Rich Cho became a candiate and ultimately was hired as the GM of the Portland Traiblazers due to the recommendation of William "World Wide Wes" Wesley. Oh? Well now that changes my opinion. I smell a conspiracy.

Who is World Wide Wes? William Wesley (or as some NBA players call him, "Uncle Wes") is a pretty powerful man within the NBA. What does he do? Who really knows. GQ magazine has him employed as a mortage broker. But he sure does get mentioned in a lot of trade rumors for a morgage broker. Here is what I do know: He is Dejuan Wagners God Father. He has known Lebron James since he was a teenager, is best friends with Leon Rose-Lebrons agent. He is rumored to have been an influence behind Derek Rose's commitment to Memphis (who was then coached by buddy John Calipari). Whatever it is that he does (make a good sandwhich, arrange to get off the market shoes for players, dispose of Hookers..) one thing is for sure, this man is a networking KING.

Why does this matter? Well one of Uncle Wes' favorite nephews goes by the name of Chris Paul. He is the guy who announced before the draft that "if you want Lebron, you trade for Chris Paul". Is it possible that Wes went to the Trailblazers with the knoweledge that they were interested in aquiring Chris Paul and said, "if you hire Rich Cho, we'll get Chris to your team"? If the stories I have read about Wes are true, yes, that is very possible.

His involvement makes more sense when you look at the other names Portland was interviewing for their vacant GM job. Names Danny Ferry, Randy Pfund, and Kiki Vandewegh were getting tossed around. These are guys who have held GM jobs in the past. While Rich Cho may have the right credentials TO BE a GM, it's not like his name makes the splash they were supposedly looking for.

If the conspiracy is true and he was behind the hiring, I don't think it had anything to do with KP's canning. If anything, this was done after the KP firing when Portland exposed their boner for Chris Paul to the world. And make no mistake, Portland has a GIANT boner for Chris Paul.

I think I speak for Blazer fans everywhere when I say: give me a lineup with Chris Paul and Brandon Roy. Let me see pick and rolls with Greg Oden that lead to moment swinging dunks. Let me see a 60 win team that expects to play in June. If this happens, if I get this team and it was all because of some closed doors back scratching and some secret handshakes. If all it took was a natural title promotion of an assistant GM from one of the best ran front offices in the NBA (Oklahoma City). If William Wesley gave us Rich Cho, and somehow we get CP3 too-well then I wouldn't give a shit if you could link Uncle Wes' to 2 pac's murder- the guy would qualify for saint hood in my book.

Rich Cho too.

Is this true? Like many of the better conspiracies in the NBA's history-we'll never know. But like the idea of CP3 and the Natural in the same line up, it's sure fun to think about.

NBA/NWO

Yesterday was the 14 year anniversary of the now legendary WCW PPV, "Bash at the Beach 96".

For those of you who do not know the historical significants of the event, allow me to learn your ass some knowledge:

The story line leading up to this match was this : The Outsiders (Kevin Nash and Scott Hall) were former WWF superstars coming in and planning a take over. They were not recognized as wrestlers of WCW, just two dudes who came in on their own, and were wrecking WCW's shit.

At The Great American Bash, president Eric Bischoff conducted an interview with the Outsiders(where they had to admit to not being employed by the WWF which is what the original implication of the storyline lead you to believe. But WWF was getting pissed and filed a law suite) and promised them a match at the following Pay Per View. After he wouldn't reveal who their match was against, the power bombed his ass of the stage.

Fast forward another month of terrorist like attacks on their weekly Monday night program, Nitro, the match was scheduled for the Main Event. The location, Daytona Beach Florida. The match was billed as six man tag match between WCW's finest-Randy Savage, Lex Luger and Sting against The Outsiders and a mystery partner. Speculation about the mystery partner ran wild, even causing the commentators to accuse one another about being the third partner.

The third member is revealed at the end of the match, in what was one of THE infamous moments in wrestling history. With all four members remaining in the match on the mat (well Hall was laid out side the ring, and Luger had been "knocked out" and rushed to the back by a medical staff) everybody's hero Hulk Hogan comes rushing to the ring. Hogan had been off tv for a few weeks and wasn't expected to be there, so the fans went ape shit nuts to see him come help his WCW brothers.

After he chases Nash out of the ring he is left in there by himself and his buddy Randy Savage. The crowd is eating up that Hulkster came to save the day. Then without notice Hogan turns his attention to the Mach Man and drops him with 3 Hogan leg drops.

The crowd shits themselves.

Hulk Hogan then cuts a promo, informing the world of their formation and intention. He told to the world that he was bored of everyone and that with his new friends, The New World Order of Wrestling (Hall and Nash) ,they were going to take over the world and destroy everything in their path.

14 years and 1 day later, sports fans sat stunned in front of their TV's as we watched the reformation of the NWO. Only this time it wasn't in wrestling. During the live ESPN special, "The Decision" Ohio Native Lebron James looked right in the camera and told the world "I'm taking my talents to South Beach."

With that line, we witnessed the most devastating Heel turn since Hogan in 96. At Bash at the Beach, Hogan turned his back on all his ideals, and revealed himself as a selfish prick. Today, we watched the most recognizable athlete in the world, turn his back on his home. Today, we watched one of the biggest Icon's in the world, stab his fans in the back. Today, we learned Lebron James doesn't know dick about loyalty (even though he claims to understand it's importance).

Today we watched the New World Order of Basketball get formed.

Lets get a few things straight. One, I understand the desire to play in Miami. Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade. I get it. I understand that he is 25, rich, and now he is going to be playing in front of hot Cuban snatch every night. Trust me, you don't have to sell me on the pro's of South Beach.

What I don't get is why a guy who is looking for championships didn't go to Chicago (where a team of young bad asses has been assembled and looks primed to rough shit up this season). What I don't get is why a guy looking to be a 'Global Icon' didn't go to New York (where if he could've saved Basketball in one of the Worlds Greatest, and Biggest Cities. If you are worried about being 'World Wide' isn't New York the ideal place?).

What I don't get is why a guy who accepts the Moniker of 'King' and desires loyalty turned his back on the team he had lead for 7 years and everyone of his fans (even though he had given Cleveland every implication that he intended on coming back).

I don't get why he had to drop a big 'Cleveland Steamer' all over the people of Cleveland on National TV.

Tonight we learned many things. We learned Lebron James will not be returning to Cleveland but will be playing for the Miami Heat next season. Thats the obvious. We also learned that he chews his nails (which is apparently the other big thing that came out of a whole hour long special, good job ESPN).

We also learned that Lebron James is no King. A King is the king dick and has ultimate authority. Now he is in Miami, where he has to share the authority with Dwayne Wade (who are we kidding, Wade is already King of South Beach. Lebron is HIS bitch now).

Thanks to this special, we now know Lebron is a selfish narcissist and either a dumb ass or a douche bag (those are the only two acceptable explanations for shitting on his home state on national tv).

What we also know is that when Vegas comes out with the odds, The Miami NWO (formerly the Miami Heat) will probably be favored to win the NBA title next year. But they won't. I remember the first NWO, I know what's in store for the new one.

They may start off strong, like the originals. No one will know how to defend them. But eventually ego's will take over and sour the partnership. Personal demons will become public and start to become a distraction (thats already started, please read up on Dwayne's very public and very ugly divorce). And don't forget about injuries.

Yes, on Thursday July 8th Lebron James became the third man in the formation of the NWO of basketball. The NBA was put on notice, and the leagues power seemingly shifted to South Beach. But history has a weird way of repeating itself, and like I said, we've seen this story before.

For those of you who haven't, it ends ugly.