Week 2

Every year I run multiple Fantasy Football franchises. Not because I'm ADDICTED to FF, rather it's because I love to draft the fantasy teams. In fact, I love it so much a couple years ago it got a little out of control and I over extended myself, fantasy wise. That resulted in me installing the 2 team Max limit of two years ago. I decided this because the more teams you have, the more your attention gets divided. You start blending the teams, and run the embarrassing risk of actions like: Thinking you set your teams but end up forgetting to do one, or offering players in trades that you actually don't have in that league.

It's not good business. So two, I find, is a nice number.

I have also found that in a given season I usually have one really good team, and one not so good team. Last year in my ESPN league, I had the best record in the regular season and lost the championship game (for the second year in a row). On the flipside, my Yahoo league I won like 3 games (I have a logical excuse for that mishap: I was very drunk during the draft. Self imposed Fantasy Rule #2, Don't Drink During the Draft).

I have since dropped out of the Yahoo league and started up another Fantasy League on ESPN. From here forward, the new league will be refered to as the 'Vancouver League' while my old one will be refered to as 'The Highschool League'.

Don't worry, I won't talk much about my fantasy team. I know that listening/reading about someone elses fantasy league is about as fun as sitting on a broom handle, so I will regulate the amount of attention I call to them.

That being said, both teams lost last week and I'd like to thank Stephen Jackson and Ben Roethlisberger for both of them. Stephen Jackson, who injured himself on a 47 yard touchdown, will now be referred to as "Stephanie Jackson" untill further notice. It's also to be noted that Stephanie probably won't be playing this week due to a 'strained quad' which is medical speak for bloating and an excessively bloody vagina.

Ben Roethlisberger, who has found his way as my starting QB in both leagues, seemingly went out of his way to fuck me. In his season opener, he lead his Pittsburgh Steelers to an amazing 35-7 ass beating at the hands of the Ravens, in a game where he turned the ball over 5 times. 2 fumbles, 3 picks. Now I can't back this up with fact, but I'm pretty sure thats the worst game I've ever had from my starting QB slot. Ever.

Luckily, he is playing my Seahawks this week, so he should bounce back nicely, while simultaniously making me want to vomit (due to the dismantiling of my Seahawks). Its a classic case of the Fantasy players plight: When one of your big guns is playing your favorite team. The only thing you can really hope for is a 45-37 win (for the Hawks, of course) with Roethlisburger going for 5 Td's.

Unfortunately, it's a waste of time to hope for that, since the Seahawks are still running out Tavaris Jackson. Knowing my luck, David Hawethorne will probably light Big Ben up on the second play of the game, instantly killing him, and I will get to watch Charlie Batch ( or whoever is the back up QB for the Steelers) set a league record with 10 passing touchdowns as Pitt runs over Seattle 70-3.

Now Lets talk about this week, before my imagination convinces me this will actually happen and I swallow a bullet:

• Jacksonville @ New York Jets (-10) If the Jets only win by 11, they should be embarrassed. Take the Jets.



• Bears @ Saints (-7) We heard in the offseason that Culter came into camp focused and ready for blood. He promptly went out and torched NFC favorite Atlanta Falcons for a cool 300+ yards. That being said, I don't see the Saints starting the season 0-2. Saints win, Bears cover.



• Oakland @ Buffalo (-3) Who knows. When in doubt, don't take the team playing across the country on a short week. Ladies and Gents, take Buffalo.



• Arizona @ Washington (-3) I got a fantasy prediction for you: Tim Hightower torches his former team for 3 scores, giving me a boner and promply leading me to trading him for 700 percent of his true value. Washington wins and covers.



• Ravens (-7) @ Tennessee- hmmmm. DO I think the Ravens can cover playing on the road a week after shitting all over the defending AFC champions. Yes, yes I do. Ravens win and cover.



• Seattle @ Pittsburg(-15)- 15!?!? Let me get this straight, I'm supposed to think my Seattle Seahawks are going to get blown out by over 2 touchdowns when we have Matty Hass...wait, what? Oh my God you mean that Tavaris thing wasn't a dream?! He REALLY is my Quarterback. Fuck. Nevermind, 15 might be safe. I'm going to go on record and say Seattle stays within 15. Of course I say this not because I believe it, but because I'm praying to God they can. Seattle covers, Pitt wins.



• Packers (-11) @ Panthers- A lot of people freaked out over Cam Newton's debute last week. And for good reason, he went for over 400 yards. That makes them look like one of those teams that gets lopsided spreads all year and covers alot by shitty, meaningless, 4th quarter touchdowns. That being said, covering may be difficult after Clay Mathews has dry humped Cam all day long and Aaron Rodgers has hung 45 on them. Take the Pack.



• Tampa Bay @ Minnesota(-2 1/2) Untill Minnesota learns to give Adrian Peterson the ball 28+ times, they can go fuck themselves. I say Tampa wins and obviously covers.



• Kansas City @ Detroit(-9)- Here is what we know about this match up. Kansas City got blown out by Buffalo, at home. They have also lost their best defensive player for the season. Detroit beat the piss out of Tampa, on the road. They did not lose their best player. Kansas City made the playoffs last year, Detroit hasn't won 7 games since I've had a drivers license. I guess what I'm getting at is Detroit wins and covers.



• Cleveland(-1) @ Indianapolis- sometimes it's as easy as Colt McCoy is better than Kerry Collins. Browns win and cover.



• Dallas (-2 1/2) @ San Fransisco- Dallas beat up on the Jets for 3 quarters last week. The 49ers almost gave a game to the Seahawks where they had a 16 point lead at halftime. Cowboys are the team I picked to win the East, so naturally I think they will beat the shit out of SF. Dallas wins by at least a touchdown.



• Houston (-2 1/2) @ Miami- I still think Miami is shitty and has a real possibillity of starting Andrew Luck next year. Take the Texans for the win and cover.



• San Diego @ New England (-8)- If New England is ever to lose a game at home the rest of this decade, this be the one. I don't think it will be, but I also think San Diego stays close enough to cover. New England wins, San Diego covers.



• Cincinnati vs Denver (-3) The only way I would ever be interested in this game is if I was told before hand that Scarlett Johanasson was going to be roaming the sidelines naked. Sadly, she is not. That beging said, I see Tim Tebow continuing the use of his Anti-Kyle Orton black magic from the sideline, causing damn near a riot in the crowd and costing the Broncos the game. Take whatever team plays Denver in Denver untill Tebow gets put in the lineup, hurt, or cut. EDIT NOTE: I'm not saying Denver is going to lose this game, just that Cinci will cover.



• Philladelphia (-1) @ Atlanta- Legend has it is that Michael Vick stil has a warm spot in the heart of ATLians everywhere. So I guess the life long tradition of lustily booing former franchise players is going to be on hold here. Unfortunate. Atlanta is going to 0-2. Obviously, Philly covers.



• St.Louis vs New York Giants(-7)- I'm calling it right now, I'll be watching Raw and the Charlie Sheen Roast instead of this. Here is hoping Stepahnie sack's up and plays. My team needs it. St Louis needs it. St. Louis covers, New York wins.