Girl fart vs Guy fart: the Facebook Manifesto

My brother texted me yesterday asking me to go squash the argument that was taking place over his facebook thread. “Whats it over?” I asked back. “Girl farts vs Guy Farts” he replied. Instant inspiration overtook me, “don’t worry," I replied, "I got an essay ready for these bitches.”

I went home an hour later at lunch, pulled out my laptop and wrote my Girl Fart vs Guy fart manifesto(ironically, I was dropping a deuce while writing it).

Without further ado, here is my reply:

The answer is easy, its girl farts. Does that mean girl farts smell worse? No. Not by a long shot. It's irresponsible for us to assume that the odor caused by female flatulence is ANY different then males. That being said, chick farts-due to their infrequent and often unexpected arrival are far worse then men. Allow me to elaborate:

Males are crude, immature creatures by nature. It's in our genetic code to swear profusely, laugh at inappropriate material, and go days without showering. When a girl makes the consensual decision to hang out with a male in a social setting- they are doing so with the understanding that we may offend them. Offenses including, but not limited to: excessive use of the 'f' word, references to genitals and/or masturbation, and of course, the chance that he may fart.

Now because the girl understands these facts, she is prepared for such and is less likely to be offended. Shock is removed from any situation when you expect it.

Would Pearl Harbor have had the same lasting effect on America if we knew what the Japanese were up to? Hell no. So if the girl has any resemblance of intelligence she is going to understand that guys fart, thus removing the shock from the situation and any chance of her to be offended.

On the flip side, girls want us to assume their farts either A) don't stink, or B) (and not realistically) don't fart at all. By not recognizing a fart as a perfectly normal bodily function, the female is unintentionally keeping the shock value intact.

True story, one summer day I was driving with a female friend of mine (for privacy reasons, I will keep her name from the story). We were having a nice drive, but it was hot as balls outside so we had the windows up with the air conditioner blasting. Then, without warning, I was assaulted by a smell that can only be described as: it smelt like the fat man at the beginning of seven (the gluttony guy) took a shit in my back seat and let it marinate all day under the hot summer sun. The smell CONSUMED my car.

'What the fuck is that smell?' I thought to myself. I pulled into the girls drive way to have a look around. Half expected the Triceratops turd from Jurassic Park to be in the seat behind the driver seat. Fortunately, it was not. However, what I did notice was the smirk on my co pilot’s face. It was a cross between 'oh shit, I fucked up' and ' I have a super awesome secret'.

It didn't take long for her to own up to her crime, but it did take long for her to convince me to not press charges. I was outraged!' How can she be responsible for this!? Girls are not supposed to fart like that' I thought to myself.

Well they do. Girls do fart, and in some cases their farts can be super fucked up. Do they stink worse then guys? Sometimes, yes, but in general, no. Everyone knows I'm capable of melting the paint off the walls off just a slice of pizza.

But that’s where the difference is. When I'm eating a slice- people know its coming. So when it does, nothing gets said. Why do they need to? I'm not ashamed. It's not like I'm NOT going to do it in the future. Just open a window. But when the girl who claims she never fart does it, it gets blown out of proportion.

Girls, you don't want us to think your farts are worse? Then you got two options- A) stop farting or B) just admit that you are human and that you pass a little gas every now and again. That’s all we are asking. Allow us to be prepared.

(That, and maybe have a better diet.)

On second thought ladies, why don't we keep the 'fart' talk to a minimum… No man wants to know that his dinner was prepared near exposed garbage.

ConsPiracy th3ory

Exactly 1 month ago, Kevin Pritchard got fired from doing a job he has done better then anyone in the history of this world- and that was be the GM of the Portland Trailblazers.

In the 1 month A.K.( After Kevin), the Trailblazers have hired a new GM (former Oklahoma City assistant GM Rich Cho) and have added one player, swing man Wes Mathews (formerly of the Utah Jazz). Honestly, Can't complain about either move

Other then those things, we are hurting for anything to stir up news. Atleast untill Chris Paul vocalized his desire to get out of New Orleans again.

Quick back story: CP3 wants out of New Orleans. Duh. No one with 'once in a generation' talent wants to play their home games infront of a crowd of seven people. They also don't want to waste their talents on salvaging basketball casualties like Emecka Okeafor and Mo Peterson (especially when his knee's are on borrowed time already).

Kevin Pritchard, on a last ditched effort to save his job before the draft had a deal near completion that would've sent a number of Blazers to New Orleans in exchange for the player we DIDN'T draft in 2005 (we traded down in the draft so we could select Martell Webster, instead of selecting Deron Williams or Chris Paul. That was pre-Pritchard, obviously). The deal was seemingly done, untill New Orleans owner cock blocked the trade, deflecting KP's hailmary which lead to his dismisal.

Side Note: Now I don't think his inability to bring in CP3 is what got him fired. Obviously, Kevin pissed off some pretty important people-possibly even Paul Allen himself. Thats what got him fired. I think Allen probably went to him after the season and told him the only way to save his job was to land a big fish, aka Lebron or CP3. It didn't happen, and now he is gone. Moving on.

Now here we are, Chris Paul has informed the New Olreans Hornets that he would like to be traded. He understands that each player has an expiring clock, and he wants to play for a winner. He has basically said, 'If the you(the Hornets) are unable to build an acceptable contender around him, then you should trade me.' He has even gone as far as to providing a list of teams he wants to play for (the order varies depending on which source you are reading). The list includes: Dallas, Orland, LA, New York and Portland!

When I read this report, I'll admit, I didn't become un-glued with excitement like you would imagine I would. Why? Well because I didn't think there was a chance for him to actually be a Blazer. After all, that trade was already declined.

But then another rumor started floating around the Blazer based blogs and Portland talk radio. That rumor was this : Rich Cho became a candiate and ultimately was hired as the GM of the Portland Traiblazers due to the recommendation of William "World Wide Wes" Wesley. Oh? Well now that changes my opinion. I smell a conspiracy.

Who is World Wide Wes? William Wesley (or as some NBA players call him, "Uncle Wes") is a pretty powerful man within the NBA. What does he do? Who really knows. GQ magazine has him employed as a mortage broker. But he sure does get mentioned in a lot of trade rumors for a morgage broker. Here is what I do know: He is Dejuan Wagners God Father. He has known Lebron James since he was a teenager, is best friends with Leon Rose-Lebrons agent. He is rumored to have been an influence behind Derek Rose's commitment to Memphis (who was then coached by buddy John Calipari). Whatever it is that he does (make a good sandwhich, arrange to get off the market shoes for players, dispose of Hookers..) one thing is for sure, this man is a networking KING.

Why does this matter? Well one of Uncle Wes' favorite nephews goes by the name of Chris Paul. He is the guy who announced before the draft that "if you want Lebron, you trade for Chris Paul". Is it possible that Wes went to the Trailblazers with the knoweledge that they were interested in aquiring Chris Paul and said, "if you hire Rich Cho, we'll get Chris to your team"? If the stories I have read about Wes are true, yes, that is very possible.

His involvement makes more sense when you look at the other names Portland was interviewing for their vacant GM job. Names Danny Ferry, Randy Pfund, and Kiki Vandewegh were getting tossed around. These are guys who have held GM jobs in the past. While Rich Cho may have the right credentials TO BE a GM, it's not like his name makes the splash they were supposedly looking for.

If the conspiracy is true and he was behind the hiring, I don't think it had anything to do with KP's canning. If anything, this was done after the KP firing when Portland exposed their boner for Chris Paul to the world. And make no mistake, Portland has a GIANT boner for Chris Paul.

I think I speak for Blazer fans everywhere when I say: give me a lineup with Chris Paul and Brandon Roy. Let me see pick and rolls with Greg Oden that lead to moment swinging dunks. Let me see a 60 win team that expects to play in June. If this happens, if I get this team and it was all because of some closed doors back scratching and some secret handshakes. If all it took was a natural title promotion of an assistant GM from one of the best ran front offices in the NBA (Oklahoma City). If William Wesley gave us Rich Cho, and somehow we get CP3 too-well then I wouldn't give a shit if you could link Uncle Wes' to 2 pac's murder- the guy would qualify for saint hood in my book.

Rich Cho too.

Is this true? Like many of the better conspiracies in the NBA's history-we'll never know. But like the idea of CP3 and the Natural in the same line up, it's sure fun to think about.

NBA/NWO

Yesterday was the 14 year anniversary of the now legendary WCW PPV, "Bash at the Beach 96".

For those of you who do not know the historical significants of the event, allow me to learn your ass some knowledge:

The story line leading up to this match was this : The Outsiders (Kevin Nash and Scott Hall) were former WWF superstars coming in and planning a take over. They were not recognized as wrestlers of WCW, just two dudes who came in on their own, and were wrecking WCW's shit.

At The Great American Bash, president Eric Bischoff conducted an interview with the Outsiders(where they had to admit to not being employed by the WWF which is what the original implication of the storyline lead you to believe. But WWF was getting pissed and filed a law suite) and promised them a match at the following Pay Per View. After he wouldn't reveal who their match was against, the power bombed his ass of the stage.

Fast forward another month of terrorist like attacks on their weekly Monday night program, Nitro, the match was scheduled for the Main Event. The location, Daytona Beach Florida. The match was billed as six man tag match between WCW's finest-Randy Savage, Lex Luger and Sting against The Outsiders and a mystery partner. Speculation about the mystery partner ran wild, even causing the commentators to accuse one another about being the third partner.

The third member is revealed at the end of the match, in what was one of THE infamous moments in wrestling history. With all four members remaining in the match on the mat (well Hall was laid out side the ring, and Luger had been "knocked out" and rushed to the back by a medical staff) everybody's hero Hulk Hogan comes rushing to the ring. Hogan had been off tv for a few weeks and wasn't expected to be there, so the fans went ape shit nuts to see him come help his WCW brothers.

After he chases Nash out of the ring he is left in there by himself and his buddy Randy Savage. The crowd is eating up that Hulkster came to save the day. Then without notice Hogan turns his attention to the Mach Man and drops him with 3 Hogan leg drops.

The crowd shits themselves.

Hulk Hogan then cuts a promo, informing the world of their formation and intention. He told to the world that he was bored of everyone and that with his new friends, The New World Order of Wrestling (Hall and Nash) ,they were going to take over the world and destroy everything in their path.

14 years and 1 day later, sports fans sat stunned in front of their TV's as we watched the reformation of the NWO. Only this time it wasn't in wrestling. During the live ESPN special, "The Decision" Ohio Native Lebron James looked right in the camera and told the world "I'm taking my talents to South Beach."

With that line, we witnessed the most devastating Heel turn since Hogan in 96. At Bash at the Beach, Hogan turned his back on all his ideals, and revealed himself as a selfish prick. Today, we watched the most recognizable athlete in the world, turn his back on his home. Today, we watched one of the biggest Icon's in the world, stab his fans in the back. Today, we learned Lebron James doesn't know dick about loyalty (even though he claims to understand it's importance).

Today we watched the New World Order of Basketball get formed.

Lets get a few things straight. One, I understand the desire to play in Miami. Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade. I get it. I understand that he is 25, rich, and now he is going to be playing in front of hot Cuban snatch every night. Trust me, you don't have to sell me on the pro's of South Beach.

What I don't get is why a guy who is looking for championships didn't go to Chicago (where a team of young bad asses has been assembled and looks primed to rough shit up this season). What I don't get is why a guy looking to be a 'Global Icon' didn't go to New York (where if he could've saved Basketball in one of the Worlds Greatest, and Biggest Cities. If you are worried about being 'World Wide' isn't New York the ideal place?).

What I don't get is why a guy who accepts the Moniker of 'King' and desires loyalty turned his back on the team he had lead for 7 years and everyone of his fans (even though he had given Cleveland every implication that he intended on coming back).

I don't get why he had to drop a big 'Cleveland Steamer' all over the people of Cleveland on National TV.

Tonight we learned many things. We learned Lebron James will not be returning to Cleveland but will be playing for the Miami Heat next season. Thats the obvious. We also learned that he chews his nails (which is apparently the other big thing that came out of a whole hour long special, good job ESPN).

We also learned that Lebron James is no King. A King is the king dick and has ultimate authority. Now he is in Miami, where he has to share the authority with Dwayne Wade (who are we kidding, Wade is already King of South Beach. Lebron is HIS bitch now).

Thanks to this special, we now know Lebron is a selfish narcissist and either a dumb ass or a douche bag (those are the only two acceptable explanations for shitting on his home state on national tv).

What we also know is that when Vegas comes out with the odds, The Miami NWO (formerly the Miami Heat) will probably be favored to win the NBA title next year. But they won't. I remember the first NWO, I know what's in store for the new one.

They may start off strong, like the originals. No one will know how to defend them. But eventually ego's will take over and sour the partnership. Personal demons will become public and start to become a distraction (thats already started, please read up on Dwayne's very public and very ugly divorce). And don't forget about injuries.

Yes, on Thursday July 8th Lebron James became the third man in the formation of the NWO of basketball. The NBA was put on notice, and the leagues power seemingly shifted to South Beach. But history has a weird way of repeating itself, and like I said, we've seen this story before.

For those of you who haven't, it ends ugly.

The Decision

Tonight, ESPN is televising “The Decision”. At 9 pm Est time, the biggest superstar in the world tonight, LeBron James will announce his long awaited and speculated decision regarding his Free Agency. Over the last Two weeks he has been linked to joining the Nets, The Knicks, The Bulls, The Heat and staying with his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers. It's transformed the world of jouralism into the wild wild west, where induendo and speculation have replaced facts and truth.

Each team offers Lebron Jame something unique, that makes it possible for him to agree to join them.

• The Knicks give him chance to be the face that brings the worlds greatest Basketball city back to prominence after a full decade of shitty decisions and terrible basketball.
  
• The Bulls, have the pieces in place to provide him the greats supporting cast he could ask for. They have a franchise pointguard under 23 years old, and one of the best defensive big men in the league. They also had enough money to bring in Lebron +1(after Chris Bosh committed to Miami, they used the money on All Star Carlos Boozer).
  
• Cleveland, is obvious. He grew up in Akron Ohio. By all accounts, Lebron loves the state of Ohio and is said to be a very loyal dude. He has played all 7 years there, and his native state hasn’t seen a championship team-in any sport- in near 60 years.
  
• The Miami Heat, he gets to team up with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. He also gets to play on South Beach. Seems great on paper, but when you have three players making the Max, and 9 other players making minimum wage, not usually your best recipe. There also has some potential for pecking order problems. More on that later.
  
• The Nets with the billionaire Russian owner never really had a chance. Well, maybe they did because of the Jay-Z connection, and the young team they can put around him(Brook Lopez, Devin Harris and lottery draft pick Derek Favors). But it's hard to imagine Lebron dropped the Cav's to go play in Newark for 2 years while the stadium in Brooklyn was being built.

Two weeks ago, it seemed as if the decision was either Chicago or Cleveland. Chicago for the rings, Cleveland for the heart. Those were the only two choices.

Three Days ago, with 2 of the 3 prized Free Agents of the summer heading to South Beach, LeBron seemed poised to do what I had hoped all along-stay in Cleveland. After all, could all three of them even play together?

24 hours ago, twitter and blog sites were reporting The Knicks were in control. Chad Ochocinco’s twitter had some not so creatively disguised tweets about King James joining the Knicks :"@KingJames big bruh can i break the news now or do i still have to wait?" then this one, " #OCNNBREAKINGNEWS *Empire State of Mind* *wink* *wink*only the smart folk will put this together and figure out what i am talking about #6" Empire State of Mine obviously being the Jay-Z song about New York, and #6." (#6 being the number he will wear next year after he said he will respectfully personally retire Jordans digits).

Jared Dudly, of the Phoenix Suns says a source inside the New York organization has confirmed the Kings commitment to the Knicks.

Over the last 12 hours, ESPN has been blowing a different tune. It now seems to be the Heat that has the Golden Ticket. Which would be unfortunate.

It would be a waste of a generational talent. LeBron James is a freak. He has the athletic gifts of a God and is built like a linebacker. He is the prototype of what a basketball player should be. He is stronger than the person guarding him. He is quicker then the person guarding him, and he is smarter than the person guarding him. If I got drunk and wanted to create the ultimate Small Forward on NBA 2k10, it would have my face and Lebrons abilities. Fact.

Over the last two years the The King and his Cavaliers have won 127 regular season games and have gone into the playoffs each year as the favorite to win the title. Both times they have been bounced. Lebron has long lobbied for an all star side kick, but all the Cav's have been able to produce is a broken down Shaq, Antwan Jamison, and Mo Williams. Not neccesarly the 86 Celtics.

No one will fault Lebron for leaving Cleveland if he goes to a team built to win. The Bulls are that team. Derek Rose, Carlos Boozer, Lual Deng, Joakim Noah. There is a very real possibility of Ray Allen joining as well. That team is built not just for one title, but many. That team was built for Lebron. He steps in, keeps his King Dick status, and plays with the best teammates of his career.

It would be hard to fault Lebron if he goes to New York. Here is the franchise the plays in the most famous arena in the world, in the most famous city in the world. Here is a franchise that has been in complete shambles since I entered puberty. Also, this is a franchise that has been preparing to lure the King to the Empire for 3 years, finishing year after year with terrible records. Waiting…

It’s the only reason the Knicks fans haven’t lit MSG on fire yet. They have been promised Lebron. If they do get him, and he turns the Knicks into a winner, he becomes immortalized. He becomes the biggest athlete, in the biggest city in the world. It would make his brand (which next to loyalty is the most talked about desire of Lebrons. Is to build a global "Brand") as great as it possibly could.

If Lebron stayed in Cleveland, it would be most honorable. It’s long been written that he values loyalty. Cleveland is the team that drafted him. Ohio is the state he grew up. He says loyalty is important? Well, buddy, now is the time to prove it.If you value loyalty, than you should live and die with the Cav’s.

For seven years, they have tailored their team to your wishes. They made the moves to try and make you happy. Since they drafted you first in 2003, you have truly been their king. They just fired their GM and Coach after back to back 60 win season for you. Now you’re looking to leave the sports scorned state of Ohio (which you claim to love) high and dry? If you wanted to leave, you knew about it already. Your desire to play for Chicago, New York, New Jersey or Miami didn't just sneak up on you. If you wanted to leave, you should’ve told them your intentions, given them a chance to get something in return for you.You leaving Cleveland like you are is going to turn them from a 60 win title contender, to a 15 win Lottery lock.

If Lebron goes to Miami, well thats where I get a little lost. On paper, it looks great. Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and Lebron James. Three members of the 2008 Olympic team all playing together on South Beach. I talked to my buddy Rob today (who has picked Miami all along) and he brought up this point, "I don't think they'll be that good in real life, but can you imagine that team on NBA 2k11?" He's right. It would be devastating. You only need really two great players to be able to run anyone off the court on video games. Someone to play outside, someone to play inside. Those three give you three of the best video game talents out there.

But in real life they're going to be three players incredible players, with incredible contracts and incredible egos playing with nine players who are playing for the league minimum. Is that really a formula for success?

Also, as pointed out by ESPN's Sportsguy this morning, is Lebron really willing to give up his big dick status and play Scottie to Wades' Michael?(if you think Wade is taking a back seat to Lebron in the city he has played his whole career for and won a title in, you are high). Wade is the king of South Beach, Lebron is the two time defending MVP of the League. Is Lebron really able to pack up his stuff and go play for Wades team? If Lebron is signs with Miami he is simultaneously announcing that he is a vag and doesn't have what it takes to lead a team to a championship.

Even in the unlikely scenario that him and Wade blend flawlessly with one another, forming a super democracy of untamed basketball ability, he sure wouldn't deserve the title of King (which has been his nickname since High School). A king is the alpha male, not the side kick. A king is the end all, be all. Not just another guy with a vote. A king doesn't leave his kingdom to share the power. A king stands on his own, inspires the people he leads, and cuts the head off of anyone who dare challenge his thrown.

I don't have a problem with Wade and James being friends off the court. In fact, I think it's cool. But when they step on the hardwood, and that ball goes up in the air for the first time, I want that friendship to be forgotten. I want them to go to war, with the winner holding his severing his opponents head and tomahawking for emphasis.

It comes down to this. Lebron, if you care about winning, and only winning- go to Chicago (If you go there, you better make sure you win. Because if you go there and win anything less then 6 rings, you are a failure). If you care about your brand, and growing said brand to limitless heights, go win a title in New York. If you care about becoming a legend among the people you have grown up with, and the people who have supported you your entire basketball career to this point, if you truly deserve the title of King, stay in Cleveland. Win a title for Ohio, and prove God doesn't hate Cleveland. Now THAT is a task befitting of a king.

If this doesn't matter to you, and you want to team up with your competition, make ass tons of money(but still less then you would make in Cleveland) and party on South Beach all year long (when you probably shouldn't be doing it during the season anyway, so thats not a valid arguement. Go there during the offseason if you want to be the life of the party), then go to Miami. Transform yourself into Scottie Pippen 2.0. But stop talking about loyalty and the development of your brand.

Because lets face it, then 2nd fiddle doesn't become the icon. In Miami, you are the second fiddle. Not because you aren't as good (Lord know's you are better). Not because Wade will last longer ( with Wades age and his past injuries, he might not last too much longer). But because Wade was there first. He is Christopher Columbus, you would be small pox.

You need any more help making this decision? Ask Scottie how is brand is doing.

The Pritch Slapping of Kevin Pritchard

Moments before today's NBA draft, Paul Allen finally did it. After months of speculation the old man finally fired GM Kevn Pritchard.

For those of you who don't know Kevin Pritchard, he is a man who took over the role as GM in 2007 and since then has rebuilt the Portland TrailBlazers brick by brick into the team that we support today. When he took over in 2007, we were a team of douche bags and sex offenders. When he took over we had max contracts to Zach Randolph and Darius Miles. When he took over, our arena was bankrupt, our owner was looking to sell, and we were in the midst of our longest playoff drought in 30 years. When he took over, we were a 20 win team.


He went into the 2006 draft officially the "Assistant GM" of the Portland Trail Blazers. Unofficially, he was running the team (lets face it, Steve Patterson was incompetent). The 06 draft ultimatly proved to be an accurate forshaddow of how KP was going to run the team over the next four years. It was on that day he influenced the decisions that turned Sebastian Telfair, Ty Thomas and Randy Foye into Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge.

It was draft day 2007 that the phrase "Pritch-Slap" was born. (Pri-tch slap!: term signifying a one sided trade, draft or free agent signing where GM Kevin Pritchard is the benifactor). The phrase took life after he conned Isiah Thomas into taking Zach Randolph off our hands. Then called up Phoenix (notoriously cheap bastards) and offered them 1 million dollars for spanish sensation Rudy Fernandez.

Unfortunatly, the genius that took place that day is often over shaddowed by the presently one sided debate of Oden vs Durrant. KP was given the task of decided between a potential franchise center, or a potential franchise scorer. KP, like anyone else in his position, went with the once in a generation franchise center.

Proving that he isn't a mystic, the draft pick so far has proven to be grossly onsided in the outcome (Durrant is the youngest scoring champion ever, and Greg Oden has struggled to stay on the court). Thankfully for everyone, Oden is still 22 years old.

Speak to any Trail Blazer fan and they'll talk for hours of the often overstated abillities of KP. "Who would win in a a game of 1-1, MJ or KP?" "Who would win in a fight, KP or Chuck Norris" or my personal favorite, "Who would win in a 100 meter free style swim, KP or Michael Phelps?" According to local legends, KP would stand victor.

Sadly, the executive with the brassest balls (it's been reported that KP has no problem calling up teams like Miami and offering them a lap dance and a corn dog for superstars like Dewayne Wade) is now jobless. He saved basketball in Portland, and Paul Allen turned on him in a manner fitting for a pro wrestling storyline. In short, Paul Allen 'Pritch Slapped' Kevin Pritchard.

He deserved to see this through. It's a sad day for him and it's a sad day for Rip City.

Kobe and his 5 rings

Going into this series, I felt disconnected. My team, the Portland Trail Blazers were long ejected and are dealing with their front office turmoil. Over the last two weeks, I have been more focused on what Pritchard might be doing to save his job, and less on the 08 Finals rematch.

Despite my where I have directed my attention, and my belief that the world revolves around me, the NBA finals are infact taking place with the leagues most storied rivalry. The Celtics vs The Lakers.

Yes this dance has been done before. 12 times dating back to the days when the Lakers called Minneapolis home. We've had Russell vs West, Bird vs Magic, and now Kobe vs the big Four (Rondo has been invited to the adults table now). I'm intrigued because of the history between the two franchies, but honestly this wasn't even in my top five dream 2010 matchups (that didn't include Portland). So I went into this series not giving a shit who won.

Or so I thought.

I now live in a world where Kobe Bryant has 5 NBA titles. Disgusting. I knew that it was a possibility. If you enter a season with 4 rings, and go on to another one, that gives you five. But it didn't really dawn on me untill the Lakers beat the Suns that in two weeks time Kobe could have a handfull of rings.

Even then, the significance didn't dawn on me untill the Lamar Odom launced the ball down court and (fittingly) a streaking Kobe Bryant ran down the ball as time expired and the Staples Center errupted in celebration. Kobe Bryant has 5 NBA Championships. It rolls off the tounge strangely smooth. I don't like it.

Kobe Bryant is a MONSTER. There is not much more to say about a man who has had the career that Kobe has. He has done everything. He has an MVP. Out of his 11 All-Star appearences, he has 3 MVP's. He has played in 7 NBA finals, winning 5 of them. He has 2 NBA Finals MVP's. (he even has been cleared of one case of rape allegations).

Kobe Bryants stats will win out in most penis showing contests.

He is a cold blooded, calculating, son of a bitch. When he gets upset, he does not seem to be above contemplating murder. Even towards teammates (especially towards teammates). .He has never been mistaken for the worlds best teammate. Or the second. In fact, the man is widely accepted as quite the douche bag to play with.

Need proof? Here is what Ron Artest said during his press conference after the Game 7 win, "What you saw in Boston Kobe wanted to win. People said he wasn’t passing, blah, blah, blah, but Kobe wanted to win and he didn’t know if he could win playing with us at that time."

Uh, ok? He didn't know he could win playing with the team? That team has made only one real change in three years was adding former All- Star (and the super crazy) Ron Artest. Kobe know's what his team can do. Whether or not he decides to use his team is a different story. Kobe isn't stupid, he's just got an ego to feed.

Ron continues my point, " Today he wanted to win, he didn’t want to lose. You saw a determined Kobe Bryant, Black Mamba, two four, who wanted to win, but it wasn’t with the team. Late in the second half he started to move the ball and attack and pass and still was Kobe Bryant, and he trusted us and made us feel so good and he passed me the ball. He never passes me the ball, and he passed me the ball. Kobe passed me the ball, and I shot a three."

And thats Kobe, perfectly summed up through the eyes of his crazy ass teammate. Kobe tried to win by himself. He tried to win a championship as the Black Mamba. It took him till the second half to decide to go into teammate mode and see how that went. Again, Kobe isn't stupid. Kobe knew his legacy was about to get shit on if he lost that series. He allowed his teammates to do what they got paid to do (which is play basketball). And they won.

And now Kobe has 5 rings. I'm not sure I feel good about that. I forsee a giant headache over the next decade.

It' s not outside the relm of possibility to see Kobe playing10 more seasons. He has never had a major injury and as long as he gracefully accepts his role as his talents diminish, he very well could play to 40.

How annoying are the talking heads of ESPN going to be if and when Kobe goes for ring number 6? Or worse, number 7?! It's going to easily match, possibly exceed the Lebron Free Agency hype of this summer. The worst part about it, is if he plays 10 more seasons the story can play it's self out and be written and re written for a decade. I'm already ready to vomit blood.

The bottom line is this. Kobe Bryant is one of the Greatest Basketball players of all time. He has MVP's, Scoring Titles, Olympic Gold Medals as well as a slew of Larry O'Brian Trophies (NBA Championships). Unfortunatly, he is a douche bag.

Two weeks ago, I didn't care which team was going to win. Didn't matter. My Blazers had been home since early April. But as the final buzzer rang, and Kobe held up the trophy for a fifth time, old wounds were reopened. I felt sick.

In that moment I came to a harsh realization. I live in a world whereKobe Bryant has 5 rings.

And I'm not prepared for this shit.

Status Update: Blazers, Mariners, Seahawks-oh my.

The Blazers are pissing me off right now.

The draft is upon us and the big news coming out of One Center Court isn't who we are targeting to sign or draft, rather it's who we are going to fire.

Yes, Paul Allen apparently still has his knife sharpened for K.P.

I hope it doesn't happen.

In other news, Cliff Lee is incredible and the Mariners are not. All signs point to Cliff Lee's tenure with Seattle ending soon. He has been incredible and it's sad we can't even field a decent hitting team. Shit, it's sad we can't even field a respectable hitting team.

Outside of Ichiro, no one is within 20 points of a .300 average. And unless Felix and Cliff figure out a way to get up negative runs, thats not an effective formula for winning.

The only positive thing to come to my attention lately about my three teams is that Lendale White (who was recently acquire to come play with his College coach, Pete Carroll in Seattle) apparently showed up out of shape to a training camp, and got his ass cut.

The Justin Forsett era continues!