Birthday BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lets go a head and take a moment to wish me a Happy Birthday.

Thank you.

Now let me hit you with some quick awesomeness. I had my first beer in almost a month the friday night. Well techniqually it was Saturday morning, but you get the point.

We went bowling for my birthday. I was really struggling with ideas on what to do since I couldn't black out and all (doctor still has me on booze lockdown). So last minute I decided bowling would have to work (though I hate bowling).

Not a big crowd, but just enough to make me feel appreciated. And that was cool.

Any who, we went to Big Al's, and we bowled. Shocking, I managed to find enjoyment in a sport I hate, without alcohol. I found it through monsterous cups of Mountain Dew. Yes, the old stand by came through again.

Like a solid booty call, Mountain Dew is there whenever you need it. She doesn't get jealous when she hears you've been drinking Pepsi. She doesn't stop answering when her friends saw you at a bar with Jack and Coke. She is good to you wheter you drink it in the morning or in the evening. And tonight was no different. Mountain Dew took care of me tonight. Thanks old friend.

However, Mountain Dew can only go so far when everyone else is getting shitfaced. By the end of the night, I just wanted to taste a beer. Not have one, just taste one. After all, the doctor said no, and I'm trying to get healthy.

But I'm only a man, and a man has needs.

The night started slipping away, and the beers my crew were putting down were starting to mock me. "You know you want us." They would say. I could hear them whisper when I would walk passed Danes pitcher. Girlfriends Long Island Ice Tea would bat her eyes at me when she saw me looking.

I had to have it. I went to sample Danes beer. One sip won't kill me. It won't mess up my liver even more then it is. I'm sure of it. Dane saw what I was doing and he slapped my hand, "No! You have mono, bitch." the hand print on my the top side of my had served as the doctors will. It was as if he was Omnipresent and my buddy Dane was being occupied as his Vessel of Goodhealth Security.

I should've listend to the warning of the slap. But the mono hadn't just effected my liver, it's also depleted my ability to resist temptations. I desired beer, and I'll be damned if I wasn't going to submit to my OWN desires on my birthday.

Dane walked away from his beer. I had a moment, but only a moment, to act. I quickly grabbed the straw from my Mountain Dew, plunged it into the cup of Coors Light (it was Coors Light, no doubt) and sipped. I sipped like a thirsty toddler.

Once it touched my lips...oh so good. A little warm, but so good.

I had to have more.

One friend of mine in attendance is a nurse in training. So I decided to check in with her. After I explained the situation, she informed me that as long as I don't get shitfaced and then do it the rest of the weekend, that I should be fine. It was her theory that the Doctor just assumed that when I asked "can I drink?" it was code for "can I drink lots, and often."

I felt comfortable with that answer, and went on to enjoy three more beers that night.

All in all a great night, and I want to thank everyone who came out (even if I don't know you that well).

Here are some random thoughts about my Birthday and other stuff:

• Girlfriend saw to it that all my good times were paid for. Seriously, she is so awesome it's getting to the point where its going to be awefully hard to replace her. Which is awkward since the lease is up in two months and I had planned on trading her in for a younger model.
• To my friends Michelle and Andy, congratuations on the engagement. It's about time.
• Some of the classic names for the Scoreboard : Dragonslayer was my brother and Rusty Trombone was yours truly.
• Got to watch my girlfriend get hit on relentlessly while posted up at the bar. Never thought I'd actually find enjoyment thought that. But I did. It might have something to do with the fact that she shut these dudes down hard without knowing I was behind her. Again, she's making it hard.
• Uh, Taco Bell's queasadilla is whats going on at 3 am. Put some hot sauce on that and passing out no longer seems like a good idea.
  
  

I am the Monkey from Outbreak.

I feel like the monkey from Outbreak (90's movie reference, suck it). Yes my illness is still running rampant, now people around me are starting to show signs of my illness. Stepmom was just informed last week that she has mono( a week before that, my doctor informed me that I too had Mono). Girlfriend is starting to develop a little rashipoo in the same places that mine started out. Girlfriends roommate was even under the weather with fever and stuff for the last week or so. Sweet.

It's like I have the King Dick Virus and I'm handing out variations of my symptoms to my disciples. Not the way I imagined leaving my mark on this world, but I guess beggers can't be choosers.

On a serious note, I'm really excited about the idea of being healthy again. I've been going to the doctors on and off for a few weeks now. They've taken blood five times. They've given me an ultra sound (Yeah, it's a boy). They've tested me for HIV (again) mono(which came back negative, but they still say I had it) hepatitis A-Z, and all my Liver functions (remember those were the ones that were coming back screwy).

Shit, they've even accused, questioned and tested me for drugs. Twice.

The only rememdy or advise they've given me is no booze, no gym and go buy this expensive medication that we aren't giving you a prescription to so you will stop itching. Even though it has the same functions as Benadryl, the medication I have been using that has shown results in the amount of exactly dick.

Uh, really?!

Actually lets talk about that for a second. They wanted me to get Zyrtec. Which from all accounts is an allergy medicine. I went to WalMart to go buy some the other night, and it was something in the neighborhood 24 dollars for like 18 pills. First of all, no. Second of all, you can suck it if you think my broke self is going to buy that.

Zyrtec protects against: Runny Nose, Sneezing, Itchy-watery eyes, Itching of the Nose or the throat and Nasal Congestion.

Zyrtec Needs to Protect Against (if they want me to spend that kind of money on it): Red polkadot like rash on arms and legs. Unforgiveable levels of itchiness constantly burning all over my body. Huge Hives that pop up on my back. A rash that has formed on, around, and inside the crack of my ass. Just to name a few places.

So imagine my disapointment in where I got my health insurance through, when after yet another sleepless night due to the fact that I was scratching my body till I bled (no joke I have bruises and cuts all over my body from scracthing. I look like a meth addict with good teeth.) they informed me that I should get Zyrtec.

Ok lets recap. At this point, the doctors have taken a guess on what I have ( I call it a guess, because I'm pretty sure they're testing me for other stuff still). But they have told me I have Epstein Barr Virus. Which matches the Mono (that I may or may not have had) and the biblically evil rash (which I do have. That is confirmed). Yet for whatever reason, THEY REFUSE TO SUBSCRIBE ME SOME F**KING MEDICINE TO MAKE THE RASH GO AWAY!!!!

"oh, Mr. Belvin, just take Zyrtec it'll make your rash go away"

"oh it will?! You mean this Benadryl subsitute that does nothing for my symptoms is the best you can come up with?! Really? REALLY!? No. I will NOT take Zyrtec."

"But Zyrtec will help control the itching."

" I don't care about the 'itching'. I care about the rash that make me look like I have Leporsy. I don't want to 'control' the itch. I WANT THE RASH TO GO AWAY. THE WHOLE THING. Give me a f**king steroid or something and make this rash go away. DO YOUR JOB"

It's just stupid.

I've been told lately I've been too negative. That I've been too grumpy. Which in hindsight, I have. I haven't been able to go to the gym, I had to stay sober on my brothers 21st, I haven't felt creative enough to do any writing. I've been annoyed and grumpy. But you would be too if your junk felt like it was on fire. Or if you had an unsatisfiable urge to itch your ass crack all night.

I know I talked about this already in my last blog, but I was sitting here at work and all day, all I could think about was how I would much rather just cheese-grade all my skin off then put up with this shit another day. Look at my words again, I'm serious, this is my serious font.

I can tell you this right now. I have a doctor appointment at 8:50 am tomorrow. I promise you right now, if I don't have a subscription in my hand for something that will let me get on with my life, the leading story on the news will be 'Man freaks out at doctors office, assults three nurses, two doctors and punts a sick baby. More at 10:00'.


Ps. Sorry Stepmom, Girlfriend, and whoever else I have caused to get sick lately. It's not my fault. It's Kaisers for worry too much about my recreational life and not figuring out whats wrong with me.

Pete Carroll Makes my Penis Itch

Welcome to the new year! Like a thief in the night, 2010 is here and 2009. And I can safely say 2010 sucks balls. I guess itches would be more accurate. More on that in a minute.

I haven't been telling tales of Awesomeness as of late simply because life has been crazy. Well that and I've haven't been awesome. And because I'm too self absorbed to share my issues with the world. Or do I share my ideas with the world because I'm self absorbed. Shit.

Never the less, I'm going to stop depriving you all of things I've had to say over the last month. So lets catch you up.

First, I finally became a real man and bought myself a car. It was an ordeal. I can't imagine buying a car being that difficult for everyone, because if it were people wouldn't buy cars. Car buying would be few and far in between. It was not an enjoyable activity for me. I'd compare it to a bad hangover.

When I got the car I felt awesome. Holy Crap! A great car for a (seemingly) low price. Seemingly because I had no idea what was going on. First night no buyers remorse. Second day, after I discussed the deal with the wise sages, I was informed that I got kinda fisted. Do you know whats it like to have a figurative fist up your ass? It's probably not as painful as physically putting a fist up your ass, but it's gotta be close. Then I almost lost a buddy over it. Definitely lost a few dollars. Not the wisest decision. But in the end, the result is the same...DADDY HAS A CAR!

Second was Christmas. Christmas is always a hectic time. Between work, fun stuff and family time, there is no time to sleep. Like at all. I got two families. Mom side, dads side. Christmas is split up into two days. Christmas Eve for mom, Christmas Day for dad. Only this year we added a little wrinkle to the madness....Girlfriends family. Yes, I had to find a way to fit three Christmas' into two days.

There is a happy ending to this story, everyone got to sample the holiday cheer I bring to the table. But by 10 pm Christmas day, after the Blazers had secured a victory over the Denver Nuggets (and a breath taking offensive performance from his Roy-ness) I was crashed out and asleep. Like coma victim sleep. I woke up for work seven hours later actually refreshed and ready to roll.

Actually, I wasn't totally refreshed. Awake yes. But that day I had a monster fuckin headache at work. Which brings us to number 3. The headache lead to me consuming more then the alloted amount of IBProfrin for the day. Estimation 3000 milagram (can't confirm that because I'm pretty sure I consumed it while I was half asleep. All we know is the next day I had chills, a wicked fever and a furious stomach).

So for about a week, my body didn't feel right. Minor fever here, bitchy headache there. Plus I noticed that my legs and been super itchy for a few days...and it was spreading... like to my ass. By New Years day, we had upgraded to headaches that could only be compared to all the worst parts of the Bible and I was throwing up delicious breakfast (no, not a hangover, I was designated driver. Actually, I have a great story to tell about THAT night but out of respect to some of the people involved...I think I'll let it slide).

For the next week and half my day consisted of this: wake up with a headache that made me want to rip out baby's throats. And by the end of the day I had 104 temperature. The Girlfriend would demand everynight that I go see the Doctor. I disagreed. I hate going to the doctors.

After over a week of that shit, I succumbed to The Girlfriends wishes and went and saw the Doctor. Not my normal doctor, but I saw a doctor. This doctor was a little off (I wanted to get in asap so I didn't get to see the same doctor from the 'Clean at Last' blog). It took me a while to notice the doctors possible craziness. In retrospect, I should've picked up instantly when I realized that she looked like a female version of Gary Bussy. For whatever reason my brain didn't attatch the 'could be crazy' tag to this doctor at that time.

So there I am, early in the morning. In comes Bussy. She asks probing questions, looks at my rash on my back and stomach. Pulls my pants down a little bit to examine it on my ass. A little alarming, because she could've just asked and I would've pulled them down. The little tug sent me straight in rape pervention mode.

After a piss test, chest x ray, and 7 viles of blood all Gary Bussy could tell me was that I did NOT have Bacterial Meningitis. Her explanation about how she came to this conclusion was a little troublesome. She joked, "I know you don't have Bacterial Meningitis because if you did, you'd be dead.HAHAHHAAHA" Awesome. Upon further review, she might've been crazier then Gary Bussy.

The Forth thing,which strangely was the biggest head scratcher of all my moments was finding out the Seahawks had fired Jim Mora after one season. Then turned aaround and hired Pete Caroll over the course of a three day span.

Lets review. Jan 8th, Jim Mora is told to look for a new job. Later that day it is reported early favorite is Pete Carroll (who IS NOT running from possible punishment from the NCAA for players from his Juggernaut title teams seemingly being paid to play college football. Don't even question his motives for getting back into the NFL). Pete initially responds saying he 'isn't very interested in the position'. Jan 9th, it's reported on ESPN that Pete and the Seahawks are "very close to a deal".

Confused yet?! Good, I'll keep going.

Jan 11th Seahawks and Carroll agree to a five year deal to bring his act back to the NFL (again, not running from NCAA and the spanking he was sure to recieve).

Couple things to bring up:
1. Pete already tried the NFL. He wasn't good. He got fired from the Jets after one year and 6-10. Then he un-successfully took over the Patriots(the season after they made the Superbowl under the Big Tuna) and within three seasons had them missing the playoffs and yes, got fired. His three seasons coaching in Foxboro, 27-21 (0-2 in the playoffs).

2. Was this the quickest negotiations ever?! This tells me a few things. One, Paul Allen really had a boner for the idea of Pete being available. Two, Pete Carroll must've really wanted back in the NFL (again, not because he didn't want to have his hands tied while recruiting. It was simply for love of the game and competition).

3. We tied our hands when hiring Mora, and not allowing us to persue Gruden, Shanahan, or Cower. Surely we would take a little time and persue some of the proven NFL guys if Mora didn't work out right? I mean, RIGHT!? Nope the only other guy who got an interview was Leslie Frazier. And the only reason that happened was because the NFL has rules demanding that you interview atleast one black dude.

So even though Cower and Gruden were still available, we decided to over pay for a college coach who was pleading for a way out of USC, even though he has been a shitty coach in the NFL already?! Good move guys.

I don't like this move. I'm not thrilled about the direction. Mora deserved another year or two. It wasn't his fault this team blew. Something just doesn't smell right here, and the whole thing makes me feel uncomfortbale.

Well, more so then the rash thats already taking over my ass.

Wait, Pete Carroll? WHY!?!