I am the Monkey from Outbreak.

I feel like the monkey from Outbreak (90's movie reference, suck it). Yes my illness is still running rampant, now people around me are starting to show signs of my illness. Stepmom was just informed last week that she has mono( a week before that, my doctor informed me that I too had Mono). Girlfriend is starting to develop a little rashipoo in the same places that mine started out. Girlfriends roommate was even under the weather with fever and stuff for the last week or so. Sweet.

It's like I have the King Dick Virus and I'm handing out variations of my symptoms to my disciples. Not the way I imagined leaving my mark on this world, but I guess beggers can't be choosers.

On a serious note, I'm really excited about the idea of being healthy again. I've been going to the doctors on and off for a few weeks now. They've taken blood five times. They've given me an ultra sound (Yeah, it's a boy). They've tested me for HIV (again) mono(which came back negative, but they still say I had it) hepatitis A-Z, and all my Liver functions (remember those were the ones that were coming back screwy).

Shit, they've even accused, questioned and tested me for drugs. Twice.

The only rememdy or advise they've given me is no booze, no gym and go buy this expensive medication that we aren't giving you a prescription to so you will stop itching. Even though it has the same functions as Benadryl, the medication I have been using that has shown results in the amount of exactly dick.

Uh, really?!

Actually lets talk about that for a second. They wanted me to get Zyrtec. Which from all accounts is an allergy medicine. I went to WalMart to go buy some the other night, and it was something in the neighborhood 24 dollars for like 18 pills. First of all, no. Second of all, you can suck it if you think my broke self is going to buy that.

Zyrtec protects against: Runny Nose, Sneezing, Itchy-watery eyes, Itching of the Nose or the throat and Nasal Congestion.

Zyrtec Needs to Protect Against (if they want me to spend that kind of money on it): Red polkadot like rash on arms and legs. Unforgiveable levels of itchiness constantly burning all over my body. Huge Hives that pop up on my back. A rash that has formed on, around, and inside the crack of my ass. Just to name a few places.

So imagine my disapointment in where I got my health insurance through, when after yet another sleepless night due to the fact that I was scratching my body till I bled (no joke I have bruises and cuts all over my body from scracthing. I look like a meth addict with good teeth.) they informed me that I should get Zyrtec.

Ok lets recap. At this point, the doctors have taken a guess on what I have ( I call it a guess, because I'm pretty sure they're testing me for other stuff still). But they have told me I have Epstein Barr Virus. Which matches the Mono (that I may or may not have had) and the biblically evil rash (which I do have. That is confirmed). Yet for whatever reason, THEY REFUSE TO SUBSCRIBE ME SOME F**KING MEDICINE TO MAKE THE RASH GO AWAY!!!!

"oh, Mr. Belvin, just take Zyrtec it'll make your rash go away"

"oh it will?! You mean this Benadryl subsitute that does nothing for my symptoms is the best you can come up with?! Really? REALLY!? No. I will NOT take Zyrtec."

"But Zyrtec will help control the itching."

" I don't care about the 'itching'. I care about the rash that make me look like I have Leporsy. I don't want to 'control' the itch. I WANT THE RASH TO GO AWAY. THE WHOLE THING. Give me a f**king steroid or something and make this rash go away. DO YOUR JOB"

It's just stupid.

I've been told lately I've been too negative. That I've been too grumpy. Which in hindsight, I have. I haven't been able to go to the gym, I had to stay sober on my brothers 21st, I haven't felt creative enough to do any writing. I've been annoyed and grumpy. But you would be too if your junk felt like it was on fire. Or if you had an unsatisfiable urge to itch your ass crack all night.

I know I talked about this already in my last blog, but I was sitting here at work and all day, all I could think about was how I would much rather just cheese-grade all my skin off then put up with this shit another day. Look at my words again, I'm serious, this is my serious font.

I can tell you this right now. I have a doctor appointment at 8:50 am tomorrow. I promise you right now, if I don't have a subscription in my hand for something that will let me get on with my life, the leading story on the news will be 'Man freaks out at doctors office, assults three nurses, two doctors and punts a sick baby. More at 10:00'.


Ps. Sorry Stepmom, Girlfriend, and whoever else I have caused to get sick lately. It's not my fault. It's Kaisers for worry too much about my recreational life and not figuring out whats wrong with me.