Pete Carroll Makes my Penis Itch

Welcome to the new year! Like a thief in the night, 2010 is here and 2009. And I can safely say 2010 sucks balls. I guess itches would be more accurate. More on that in a minute.

I haven't been telling tales of Awesomeness as of late simply because life has been crazy. Well that and I've haven't been awesome. And because I'm too self absorbed to share my issues with the world. Or do I share my ideas with the world because I'm self absorbed. Shit.

Never the less, I'm going to stop depriving you all of things I've had to say over the last month. So lets catch you up.

First, I finally became a real man and bought myself a car. It was an ordeal. I can't imagine buying a car being that difficult for everyone, because if it were people wouldn't buy cars. Car buying would be few and far in between. It was not an enjoyable activity for me. I'd compare it to a bad hangover.

When I got the car I felt awesome. Holy Crap! A great car for a (seemingly) low price. Seemingly because I had no idea what was going on. First night no buyers remorse. Second day, after I discussed the deal with the wise sages, I was informed that I got kinda fisted. Do you know whats it like to have a figurative fist up your ass? It's probably not as painful as physically putting a fist up your ass, but it's gotta be close. Then I almost lost a buddy over it. Definitely lost a few dollars. Not the wisest decision. But in the end, the result is the same...DADDY HAS A CAR!

Second was Christmas. Christmas is always a hectic time. Between work, fun stuff and family time, there is no time to sleep. Like at all. I got two families. Mom side, dads side. Christmas is split up into two days. Christmas Eve for mom, Christmas Day for dad. Only this year we added a little wrinkle to the madness....Girlfriends family. Yes, I had to find a way to fit three Christmas' into two days.

There is a happy ending to this story, everyone got to sample the holiday cheer I bring to the table. But by 10 pm Christmas day, after the Blazers had secured a victory over the Denver Nuggets (and a breath taking offensive performance from his Roy-ness) I was crashed out and asleep. Like coma victim sleep. I woke up for work seven hours later actually refreshed and ready to roll.

Actually, I wasn't totally refreshed. Awake yes. But that day I had a monster fuckin headache at work. Which brings us to number 3. The headache lead to me consuming more then the alloted amount of IBProfrin for the day. Estimation 3000 milagram (can't confirm that because I'm pretty sure I consumed it while I was half asleep. All we know is the next day I had chills, a wicked fever and a furious stomach).

So for about a week, my body didn't feel right. Minor fever here, bitchy headache there. Plus I noticed that my legs and been super itchy for a few days...and it was spreading... like to my ass. By New Years day, we had upgraded to headaches that could only be compared to all the worst parts of the Bible and I was throwing up delicious breakfast (no, not a hangover, I was designated driver. Actually, I have a great story to tell about THAT night but out of respect to some of the people involved...I think I'll let it slide).

For the next week and half my day consisted of this: wake up with a headache that made me want to rip out baby's throats. And by the end of the day I had 104 temperature. The Girlfriend would demand everynight that I go see the Doctor. I disagreed. I hate going to the doctors.

After over a week of that shit, I succumbed to The Girlfriends wishes and went and saw the Doctor. Not my normal doctor, but I saw a doctor. This doctor was a little off (I wanted to get in asap so I didn't get to see the same doctor from the 'Clean at Last' blog). It took me a while to notice the doctors possible craziness. In retrospect, I should've picked up instantly when I realized that she looked like a female version of Gary Bussy. For whatever reason my brain didn't attatch the 'could be crazy' tag to this doctor at that time.

So there I am, early in the morning. In comes Bussy. She asks probing questions, looks at my rash on my back and stomach. Pulls my pants down a little bit to examine it on my ass. A little alarming, because she could've just asked and I would've pulled them down. The little tug sent me straight in rape pervention mode.

After a piss test, chest x ray, and 7 viles of blood all Gary Bussy could tell me was that I did NOT have Bacterial Meningitis. Her explanation about how she came to this conclusion was a little troublesome. She joked, "I know you don't have Bacterial Meningitis because if you did, you'd be dead.HAHAHHAAHA" Awesome. Upon further review, she might've been crazier then Gary Bussy.

The Forth thing,which strangely was the biggest head scratcher of all my moments was finding out the Seahawks had fired Jim Mora after one season. Then turned aaround and hired Pete Caroll over the course of a three day span.

Lets review. Jan 8th, Jim Mora is told to look for a new job. Later that day it is reported early favorite is Pete Carroll (who IS NOT running from possible punishment from the NCAA for players from his Juggernaut title teams seemingly being paid to play college football. Don't even question his motives for getting back into the NFL). Pete initially responds saying he 'isn't very interested in the position'. Jan 9th, it's reported on ESPN that Pete and the Seahawks are "very close to a deal".

Confused yet?! Good, I'll keep going.

Jan 11th Seahawks and Carroll agree to a five year deal to bring his act back to the NFL (again, not running from NCAA and the spanking he was sure to recieve).

Couple things to bring up:
1. Pete already tried the NFL. He wasn't good. He got fired from the Jets after one year and 6-10. Then he un-successfully took over the Patriots(the season after they made the Superbowl under the Big Tuna) and within three seasons had them missing the playoffs and yes, got fired. His three seasons coaching in Foxboro, 27-21 (0-2 in the playoffs).

2. Was this the quickest negotiations ever?! This tells me a few things. One, Paul Allen really had a boner for the idea of Pete being available. Two, Pete Carroll must've really wanted back in the NFL (again, not because he didn't want to have his hands tied while recruiting. It was simply for love of the game and competition).

3. We tied our hands when hiring Mora, and not allowing us to persue Gruden, Shanahan, or Cower. Surely we would take a little time and persue some of the proven NFL guys if Mora didn't work out right? I mean, RIGHT!? Nope the only other guy who got an interview was Leslie Frazier. And the only reason that happened was because the NFL has rules demanding that you interview atleast one black dude.

So even though Cower and Gruden were still available, we decided to over pay for a college coach who was pleading for a way out of USC, even though he has been a shitty coach in the NFL already?! Good move guys.

I don't like this move. I'm not thrilled about the direction. Mora deserved another year or two. It wasn't his fault this team blew. Something just doesn't smell right here, and the whole thing makes me feel uncomfortbale.

Well, more so then the rash thats already taking over my ass.

Wait, Pete Carroll? WHY!?!