CM PUNK: The New Piper, or man of the People?

Raw seemed to be wrapping up in typical fashion. John Cena had just cost himself a win over R Truth in a tables match by allowing himself to be distracted by the cunning CM Punk. Truth, who is riding the biggest push of his life, takes advantage and spears Cena through a table (it was a tables match after all). Another win by a superstar trying to make something out of himself, only it means nothing because it had to come with a catch. The matches gimmick may change, but the outcome stays the same. Another Business as Usual Raw.

With only 5 minutes remaining on Raw, that was about to change. CM Punk left the ring side area, walked to the top of the entrance ramp, and took a seat. And then he proceeded to throw a monkey wrench into the 'business as usual' machine's gears.

While Cena remained on the mat in the ring, selling the effects of the match's finish, Punk took his seat (criss cross apple sauce) at the top of the ramp and began to do what he does best: He started to talk.

I'm going to take a break right there because I know alot of you who are reading this are saying things like 'What are you talking about?' 'Why are you talking about wrestling?' and most importantly for the scope of the rest of the post, ‘Who the fuck is CM Punk?'

Here is what you need to know about CM Punk: He lives a straightedge lifestyle ( no booze, drugs etc), he has given business to some of the hottest chicks wrestling has to offer, and for the last two years he had developed a holier than thou heel gimmick based around his previous face gimmick of the Straight Edge Superstar. Basically it started with him chastising people for abusing prescription pills and drinking beer. Since then, he has become a type of cult leader/messiah character and his positioned himself as one of the top heels in all of pro wrestling.

As of right now, CM Punk has challenged the WWE Champion John Cena for his title at Money in the Bank with the hopes that he can win the title and walk out of the company (Punk's real life contract negotiations have publically not gone as planned and is being reported that he is leaving) with their belt.

The storyline already has the legs to be the most compelling story in awhile. But then Punk took his seat like a first grader waiting for 'show and tell' while we sat at home not know what the hell Punk had brought from home. When it came time for Punk's turn in "show and tell" he picked up his mic and he "showed" us truth- and "told" us everything.

Unfortunately, my journalistic ability is not skilled enough to describe Punk's scathing promo. Fortunately, we live in the age of the internet, and I found the transcript. So with out further ado here is Punk's instantly infamous promo:

"John Cena, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this, because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I wanna get off my chest.

"I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate... this idea... that you're the best... because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world.

There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as Dwayne... he's a pretty good ass-kisser... always was and still is.

Oops... I'm breaking the fourth wall. [Punk waves to the camera.] I am the best... wrestler... in the world. I've been the best ever since Day One when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit.

That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar... and he split, just like I'm splittin', but the biggest difference between me and Brock is that I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.

I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that. They're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone, in that ring, and even on commentary. Nobody can touch me.

And yet, no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collectors' cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show.

I'm not on Conan O'Brian, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be, and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that "Dwayne" is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!

Oh hey, let me get something straight, those of you who are cheering me right now... you are just as big a part of me leaving as anyone else, because you're the ones sipping out of those collector cups right now, you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at five in the morning at the airport, you try to shove it in my face thinking you can get an autograph and sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to get a real job.

I'm leaving with the WWE championship on July 17 and hell, who knows, maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling... maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor... [Punk waves to the camera again] hey, Colt Cabana, how you doing?

The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone you're still going to pour money into this company -- I'm just a spoke on the wheel -- the wheel's gonna keep turning. And I understand that... that Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself... he's a millionaire who should be a billionaire... you know why he's not a billionaire?

It's because he surrounds himself with glad-handing nonsensical [censored] yes-men like John Lauranitis, who's gonna tell him everything he wants to hear... and I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon is dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family.

Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. You know we do this whole bully campaign..." (Microphone is cut off. Punk hits the mic a few times, says something inaudible, yells "I've been silenced", and we fade to black.)

So if you are keeping track at home, the WWE closed their last live taping in two weeks with CM Punk delivering a shoot style (shoot means it was real. Not something that is meant to add to a story line. Now this wasn't exactly a shoot, rather it was intended to feel like one) promo where we saw him seemingly torch most of the promo taboo's Vince McMahon has installed in his company. In 5 glorious minutes, Punk buried The Rock. He mentioned former employees (Hogan, Heyman, Lesnar, and Colt Cabana) he spoke about other companies, he hypothesized about the company’s health after McMahon dies, and buried Stephanie McMahon and HHH as his successors.

He was seriously a Chris Benoit mention away from having instigated an IWC (Internet Wrestling Community) riot.

In five minutes he reposition himself from possibly being this generations Roddy Piper into this generations Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Austin had a rocket shoved up his ass and became one of the three most popular wrestlers ever after the same time of worked/shoot promo. He beat Jake Roberts at the 96 king of the Ring and then followed it up with a promo suggesting Roberts start drinking again and questioned his religious beliefs (famously, the line is " Talk about your pslams, you talk about your John 3:16- well Austin 3:16 says, ' I just whooped your ass'!").

We all know what happened following that. The Grumpy Redneck eventually started to disobey his boss, much to the delight of the paying customers causing every male between the ages of 15-25 to own a Steve Austin t shirt (I got one by hand-me-down from my uncle and it was a prized possession).

Is the same trajectory in the cards for Punk? We don't know. Here is what we do know as of right now: We know that if Punk stays, he has ready made storylines now. This Cena thing can carry for a few months. Then he can go into another mainevent worthy program with HHH if he chooses to return just off the comments he made. If Punk stays, he's got big pay checks ahead of him.

We also now know Vince McMahon loves himself some CM Punk.

CM Punk is reportedly stepping away(for atleast a moment) from the WWE, yet Vince is putting him in the mainevent of a Pay Per View. This in itself isn't rare. Shit, it just happened last year when Batista was leaving. Alot of wrestlers on their way out the door get built up, just so they can lose and put over the guy who is staying around. Make the guy staying around look as strong as possible. It's smart business.

The anomoly here is the promo itself. So much of it was intended to be above the majority of the audience ( ie. children and the parents who are with said children) that it almost seemed like a 19 year old internet fan boy wrote it. All of the WWE's content has been dumbed down and child proofed over the last few years in attempt to build a new fan base. So why would Vince McMahon allow this promo to sneak by the goalie?

Well we won't know the definative answer till atleast Money in the Bank, but by allowing him to show some 'attitude' it helps Punk's credabillity in getting it over as a shoot and not something that was written out for him. If you watched that promo live, you know that it felt real.

It felt like a pissed off employee, who knows he is on his way out the door, telling everyone he doesn't like to go fuck themselves. It was a more serious version of the speach Jim Brewer gave in Half Baked when he quite his job.

It felt like Austin (adding to the metaphore, please notice if you watch the video that he is wearing an Austin shirt).

From what I know about Vince McMahon, this sounds like either he has a ironclad relationship with Mr. Punk, or Punk has photo's of Vince banging a 12 year old boy. I am not willing to rule out either at this point. I guess we'll find out more on July 17th.

My prediction: Nothing comes of this. WWE is just giving the adult wrestling fans a brief dick tease to get us to buy a pay per view we typically would've pirated. Punk is on his way out, Cena continue's his title reign (which will last a year so his match with The Rock will be a title match), and I consume a bottle of tylonol after I allowed myself to think the WWE I once loved was on it's way back.

My Hope: Punk has signed a contract already under the stipulation that they run this angle. He ends up beating Cena at that pay per view and in the process the fans completely turn on Cena for being a bitch. This leads to a much needed Cena character change, and Punk rising as this generations Austin- culminating in a Hart v Austin- like blow off match at Wrestlemania 28 with... wait for it.... wait... Chris Jericho. Then I go out and reup my cable so I can begin watching Raw on Monday nights again religiously.

I need a cigerette.