Mariner's June in review: As Explored Through Facebook

If you are lucky enough to follow my twitter or have me as a facebook friend you no doubt have learned two truths since: 1, I am passionate about my sports and 2, I am a funny sumbitch.

Most of my social networking entries tend to follow the same themes that my blog does. Sports and poop. Unfortunately, because I am in face a whore for Social Networking via Facebook and Twitter most of my good sports related anecdotes get used up on there instead of my blog (it also might have something to do with the amount of traffic my facebook has compared to this awesome piece of blog).

So why is this relevent? Well good question, loyal reader. This month I'm going to try something different while writing about the Cardiac kids (my current nickname for this bunch of Mariners, who insist on making the game of baseball look fucking impossible). Instead of writing another long winded rant tailored around Felix's brilliance, my new love for Dustin Ackley and Chone Figgin's continued quest to shit all over my mood every day- I have decided to recycle all my updates (and some tweets) to explore the Mariners and their exploits over the last couple of weeks.

I think they do a good job at recapping the month and believe they are funny enough to deserve recognition.

(And really, how many more times can I write about Felix kicking ass and Chone Figgins sucking balls?)With out futher ado, here is the Status Update's for the Mariners in the month of June:

• June 3rd- wish they would start the Mariner game early. I'm ready.
  


• June 3rd- Smoak (Smoak Monster homered for the second time in as many nights- giving him 10 for the year).
  


• June 3rd- Listening to Jay Buhner speak of the younger Mariner hitters sounds like he thinks they are the second coming of the '27 Yankee's.
  


• June 4th- I'd like to take a moment to give Comcast the middle finger. This is for some reason you did not put the Mariner game on tv today. Look, I appreciate you looking out for my blood pressure, but if the Mariners are getting shut out, I'd like to have the option to turn it off in disgust. Thank you.
  


• June 5th- I hate Chone (at this point Chone Figgins is 2/15 for the month keeping consistant with his .163 for the previous two months combined).
  


• June 5th- FYI Mariner fans, the Halman train is leaving the station and I am your conductor.
  


• June 5th- Halman is a star( this came immediately after he roped a triple in his first game of the season).
  


• June 6th- Danny Hultzen, welcome (he was our first round draft choice).
  


• June 6th-Greg Halman is now 4/5 since being called up. That's two more hits the Chone has in three weeks in the last 24 hours.
  


• June 6th-Five for Six (in reference againt to Greg Halman).
  


• June 6th- 6 for 7. I can't wait till he uncorks the Thunder (Halman again).
  


• June 6th- My brother can bench Chone Figgins OBP. Thats good for Jesse, and not good for Mariner fans.
  


• June 7th- Chone Figgins has an OPS+ of 36, which is 5 points less then Mario Mendoza's (see phrase: Mendoza line)career mark. In related news, somehow he has a job.
  


• June 8th-oh good, Extra innings on the road (we ended up pouring 3 runs on in the extra frames for the 'W' against Chicago).
  


• June 8th- I'm so glad Carp is finally up ( Carp was finally called up after 22 game hit streak and 19 home runs in Tacoma. Edt note: my enthusiasm has since deminished).
  


• June 12th- I would absolutely google nude photos of Felix (Felix struck out 11 Tigers over 8 innings for a 7-3 win)
  


• June 15th - Chone has a three game hitting streak. I believe this was mentioned in Revelations.
  


• June 17th-Happy Dustin Ackley day.
  


• June 17th- Hopefully this is the first step that eventually leads to me deciding between world series tickets and mortgage payments (Dusty would single in his first at bat of his career-off to a good start)
  


• June 17th- Fuck you, Chone Figgins (0-4 against Roy Oswalt).
  


• June 18th-Desi Relaford holds the Mariners record for most consecutive multihit games with 8 (I actually thought I had a joke for that... sadly, I don't).
  


• June 19th-Mark Teixeira and Curtis Granderson have combined for 42 home runs already this season... The Seattle Mariners as a team have 47.
  


• June 21-Are we at the point yet where Miguel Olivio isn't allowed to take days off ?(this was in reference to Chris Gimmenz playing over it. Which shouldn't happen, ever. And I mean EVER.)
  


• June 21-Look, Tom Lampkin and John Marzano aren't walking through that door... (again, GIMMENEZ SHOULD NEVER PLAY)
  


• June 22- From now on if someone robs you of happiness, then you can say the following, "I just got chone'd." (0-4 with 2 k's in a 2-1 loss to Washington.)
  


• June 22-Websters dictionary defines "chone figgins" as: 1. Someone offering you 10 million dollars for free as you just look back at him blankly causing the individual who is offereing great discomfort till he changes his mind and walks away. 2. A Really Bad Baseball Player. 3. Peforming your absolute worst at something you are paid obscene amounts of money with only average expectations (adding to my previous point, he was 0 for his last 11 at that point).
  


• June 25th- It's been two games sine Ackley has had a base hit... anyone worried yet? Ya, me either ( he had 5 hits in his first seven games. Following his 2 hitless nights he would rattle off four hits over the next 2 games).
  


• June 27th- (in reference to Chone Figgins and Jack Cust)@lookoutlanding a man should never bat less than his weight. (Figgy's average is .186 at this point, and his official weight is 180- so he is safe. Cust not so much. He was at a .216 clip while posting a lofty 245 on the scale)
  


• June 28th-Meanest joke I have ever heard in regards to my Mariners, "starting at third base, Chone Figgins." (he went 0-3 again in a loss to the Braves, and mercifully was omitted from the lineup the following night. He would go 0 for his last 17 before getting his next hit)
  


• July 1st- Jack Cust is the Babe Ruth of walking with the bases loaded (6 Bases loaded walks for the season, tieing the franchise record).
  


• July 1st- I LOVE JASON VAGRAS ( Mr. Poker Face has 3 CG shut outs in his last 6 starts).
  


• July 2nd-When asked who he thought would be the ideal person to bat in the 2nd hole behind him, Jose Reyes jokingly responded, "Chone Figgins." Immidiately, the reporter who asked the question had a fatal heart attack. Saying Ch*ne Figg*ns is now being treated like saying 'Candyman' three times. Don't do it.

That was fun. And easy. I might have to do that again for July.

But before I go, here are two points that didn't get mentioned through a months worth of tweets and updates:I don't know how it happend, but somehow Eric Bedard wasn't mentioned on either Twitter or Facebook by me all month. Atleast on my Wall. However, this does not me the Canadian wasn't awesome. Over 32 innings (5 starts) the southpaw won 3 games and only gave up 8 total runs. Helluva June if you ask me. Too bad he ended the month on the 15 day DL.

Miguel Olivo, who I have already touched on the fact that is 800 times better than his replacement drilled a team high 8 home runs in June. In fact, his 8 Home Runs in June would be enough to make him second on the team in Home Runs for the season. Chew on that. Sadly, Olivo is also injured right now. Hopefully freshly promoted Josh Bard is better the Gimmenez (who I don't even want to spell his name right he is so bad).