Thriving Ivory= chode lickers

I'm going to just throw this out there, if you don't like it then send it right back. I mean like right back. Like don't hesitate, just give the dish back and say it' snot what you ordered.

Thriving Ivory is fucking terrible.

Last night I paid ten dollars to go see them pretend to play instruments and I swear if I spent a penny more to watch that, I would've started a riot. I spent the entirity of the 30 minutes I watched them contemplating fighting the lead singer. They were like a new version of Coldplay, only if you replaced all the members of Coldplay with kids suffering from severe retardation.

How bad were they? Glad you asked. The lead singer's  voice(which is what I had the most problem with) was so bad, that somewhere Kanye West is saying, "damn, his voice is fucking terrible."

I'd rather spend a year in Shawshank and get sodomized by the Sisters daily. All of them. At the same time. Hell, I'd even go as far as stop using franz bread slices for my sandwiches and start making home made bread with yeast from a whore. Yummy.

We're talking Rush cover band levels of bad. Ok, I'm actually going to have to come clean. That last comment wasn't my own. The rights to that belong to Eric, who said that the lead singer sounds so much like a shitty version of Rush's Geddy Lee that he "half expects them to break out into 'Tom Sawyer'." Good observation, but sadly I'd rather watch every member of Rush  go down on each other for a half hour then listen to another attempt at a power ballad from this shitty band.

On a serious note, Clayton Stroope's (the lead singer) voice was so bad that even his special voice fixing mic couldn't cover the fact that he was making up his own notes. Ashlee Simpsons lip syncing no longer seems that bad. I honestly feel like I could Karaoke their songs better then they played them. 

Here is what pisses me off the most about it...

I went to the show last night to support one of my local favorites Throwback Suburbia. They absolutely rule. Now Thriving Ivory was the headline, but Throwback like they do, blew them out of the water. To put it simply, Throwback Suburbia is a uber talented, great bunch of guys who put on an incredible live show. While Shitty Ivory (from now on the new name of Thriving Ivory) looked like One Republic downgraded their lead singer, and added a Darrell Hammond look alike who is balls deep in a month long heroine bender,  playing on the keybored. Truly incredible that this band gets the push that they do.

What got proved last night was that it doesn't matter how much VH1 hypes you up, if you play with Throwback and DO NOT bring your A show(or if you aren't talented), you will get swallowed up and forgotten about (or in the case of the Gin Blossoms forgotten about-AGAIN). But while Throwback is clearly the superior band, Shitty Ivory remains the band that actually gets paid.  WTF AMERICA?!?!?! How does this happen?

I think that sucks. And yes, I'm biased because I know the members of Throwback. But come on people, talent wise it's not even close! I challenge anyone to argue the merits of Angles on the Moon, and why it deserves the exponentially more intense hype then, lets say Circles by Throwback. Not only will you not be able to, but if you try to do so your body will revolt against you and you will have an intensely violent epileptic seizure and die.  Fact. 

In closing, I'm looking forward to two things here in the near future. One, the new Throwback album that is close to being released. I've heard tracks, and I'm here to tell you, it will make sweet love to both your ears simultaneously. Start saving now, because this album is going to be so awesome you're gonna want to buy 7 copies. One for each day of the week.

The other thing I'm looking forward to is walking into a Starbucks some morning in the future very hung over and listening to Circles on my ipod. I order myself a mocha, and step aside to wait for the barista to hook it up.  I then look and notice that the barista making my mocha is the lead singer of Shitty Ivory. Now that was a terrible band, I'll recall. 

Then as he gives me my drink, (begrudgingly, because he noticed I didn't tip) we'll have a moment of awkward eye contact.  He is sad, because he knows that I know. Suddenly, a Throwback Suburbia single plays over the Starbucks innerstore radio system. It's a catchy little ditty, something like "half way to the stars" and I won't be able to help but shine the biggest, most cocky smile at the douche bag barista. 

I know this will happen one day. I will have my Retro-bution.