My Break Up with the Dunk Contest

Let the record show at 8:00 pm on 2/13/2010, that I, Andrew Belvin, am done with the NBA's dunk Contest. Like done, done. This isn't one of those break up's where I still like them and I'm not ruling out a chance of watching it again, but I still want to see what else is out there.

Oh no, we're splitsville.

This isn't a motivational tactic, like maybe the dunk contest doesn't have a job, and I'm tired of paying for EVERYTHING. I just feel like we've gone as far as we can go, ya know? Unless they do the equivalent of totally reinventing themselves, getting in shape and getting a dope job. Then we can re-open the case of Dunk contest and Belvins compatabillity(The only way this happens is if Lebron and some real dunkers finally show up).

Maybe I took it for granted. I'm not above admitting that. My first dunk contest was Kobe's coming out party. I remember everything about the Vince Carter and both of Jason Richardson wins. I used to plan my night around it.

It always irked me that Vince never defended his title. Or we never got a T-Mac, Vince, Kobe show down. Think about it, we could've thrown in Steve Francis, Desmond Mason and Jason Richardson. It would've been epic.

Unfortunatly we have more superstars who feel like Vince Carter and chose not to display their dunk skills anymore (or ever...cough cough Lebron, Dewayne Wade). Shit I remember distinctly, Vince Carter looking at ME through the tv and promising to follow up next year with more spectacular dunks. Saying something along the lines of 'I got more in my bag of tricks.'

The dunk contest has gone from the girl who always gave us a night we'd never forget, to the girl we can't remember. She used to give us things to talk about not just for months, but for years with our buddies ( Amongst my friends, Jason Richardson is talked about with the same gusto as my boys when they talk about the night they caught me wasted making out with a girl who had pulled her wig off and made her cry).

The dunk contest transforms you. In a league where image is as important as your jump shot (see Allen Iverson elected as All-Star starter this year), the contest can give you more individual attention then anything you can dream of.

Every guy my age after Vince Carters domination of the '98 contest believed he was the best 2 guard in the league for YEARS after that. In reality, he couldn't even get a seat at Kobe's restuarant.

Maybe the Dunk Contest has been taking me for granted? Knowing that every year, me and the millions of like minded dudes out there would gather around the Saturday of All-Star weekend hoping for a return to glory, and it didn't matter what the end result was because the we watched it anyway. That would explain why this year Nate Robinson was qued up to win his un matched 3rd dunk contest (Side Note: I was so disgusted with the dunk contest, I stormed out after the last dunks knowing DeMar DeRozan had won. I became physically ill when I found out because of the fan text messaging vote, Nate Robinson had been named the victor).

Yes, little Nate Robinson won his 3rd contest. Michael Jordan, Jason Richardson, Dominique Wilkins are all two time winners, but lil' Nate has passed them all by.

I understood the first one. Atleast I understood the novelty of it. Here is Nate Robinson, billed in at 5'8" but showing off what some might call super human leaping abillity. I have seen him cleanly check Yao Ming on a jump shot. I understand why he won the first one. It made sense. It's exciting to see a short man get up there, especially with some of the style he was doing it with.

How does he win a second? Are kids voting for him because he is there size? It's sure not because he deserved to win. He misses his first attempt at EVERY dunk. Then we just give him credit because he is mini-sized. Not cool.

That being said, it's not like we had better options (DeRozan should've won. He had the best dunk of the night, hands down. But thats what we get when the NBA gets to put no name bench players in a contest and then allows fans to vote). Who had a chance to beat the novelty of a guy so short he looks like he is jumping from a trampoline? Gerald Wallace? Please, he looked like he owed some Wise Guy money and said Wise Guy told him to take a dive.

Or we got Shannon Brown. Acutally that one smarts a bit. I actually picked him to win. The guy can fly, and he had been openly campaigning to get into this years contest. He wanted in so bad that there was a website put up for the purpose of letting Shannon dunk (it was creativly called letshannondunk.com). Yet he came out almost as bad as Wallace.

Seriously, Shawn Bradly is somewhere right now commenting on their lack of creativity in the air.

This years contest was rotten like a yeast infection. And despite watching it on my dads couch, I wanted my money back. I felt bad for everyone that dropped top dollar prices to watch these dudes hack it up.

I bet if you polled everyone who watched the even (on tv or live) if they'd rather sit through that again or watch 6 people suffering from autism dunking off trampolines (to prove this isn't an autism joke, so all proceeds from my fantasy All-Star event would go to benift autism research) I would venture a guess the majority would say, "BRING ON THE F***ING TRAMPOLINES!"

The Dunk Contest spit on the trust I had given her, and I'm not sure if I can forgive her for it. She is a cold hearted bitch. I gave her another chance after last years Nate Robinson dibacle (if you bring it up to my brother, you will trigger the following reaction: He will shit his pants, start swearing at you, and then punch you so hard that you will, in turn, shit your pants. So lets not talk about it). But then she turned right around and stooped to a new low.

I can never forgive her. I will not come back. I will not give her another chance.

(unless she gets a boob job. And by boob job I mean LeBron comes to play).