Friday, May 29, 2009

King James: Holy Crap

I woke up this morning, and the first thought I had was, "Lebron."Ok, I lied. It was something along the lines of  "Shit. I have to be at work in 20 minutes." 

But thats not important right now. Whats important, and the point I'm trying to drive home is that I spent the majority of the day thinking (and arguing) about what was going to happen in tonight's game (the 5th of the Eastern Conference Finals). 

Think about it, either way there was going to be some big story coming out of tonight. Outcome 1, the Magic slap the Cavs, again, and knock out the number 1 seed. This would absolutely be the biggest story of the year. ESPN would probably explode. Not just the station, but the whole damn concept of a sports television network. 

The media had all but given the Cavs the 09 title as far back as January. Now here they are in May, on the verge of getting knocked out before the finals. This would be a huge upset, and it would derail The King from assuming his thrown and his place as the leagues Undisputed Alpha Male. He has everything on the resume, except that ever elusive NBA title. 

Lebron losing would unfortunately serve as the opening to what would be endless conversations about Lebrons inability to get his team a championship. Recall conversations about Petyon Manning before the Colts 06 Superbowl win (which is ridiculous to even pretend to compare if you REALLY look at it. The man is putting up video game numbers in every game, but unfortunately for the Cavs, hasn't found a way to clone himself or be able to play all five positions at the same time).

Outcome 2, Lebron goes out and has his usual Video Game statiscial game, only this time gets a little help from Mo Williams and co. and he is able to fend off elimination atleast one more night. It would only add to his already robust legend, and firmly place thought of doubt back in the Magics mind (also equally as important keeping David Sterns raging hard-on over the possibillity of a Lebron-Kobe finals alive. You just know he goes to bed every night praying JR Smith has an dream that tells him he should shoot more then Carmelo and shoots the Nuggets out of a series they will probably win). 

This is undoubtably the most important game of Lebrons career, to this point. When he went to the finals two years ago, no one expected him to do so. There was no pressure on him. Now he is the leagues MVP, and playing on a one seed. He has all the pressure in the world on him. He has to come through.

As expected King James put up un-natural triple double that only he could produce, giving his team it's second win in the series and breathing a little more life in the series.

He gave it to the Magic. He gave it to them long and hard. Orlando was the drunk girl at the party, and Lebron spent extra attention to that girl (and stopped drinking hours ago). He had his way, then he was cold hearted enough to not even make them breakfast in the morning. Seriously, my kind of guy.

The moral of the story is this, The Cavs had the best record in the league this year, and it wasn't because of Mo Williams or Delante West. Nor is it because Mike Brown is a tactical genius. Nope not the reason. The Cavs are where they are because Lebron is a sophisticated robot sent here from the future to destroy conventional statistical boundries as we know them and make a grip of cash at the same time.

In closing, Cleveland, if you want to win this series, make sure Lebron touches the ball on every possession. Mike Brown, if I were you, I would fine everyone on your team 25,000 dollars for EVERY possession Lebron doesn't touch the ball. You do that, and it will be Lebron vs Kobe.

The way the David Stern intended it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

How to NOT wake up.

Understatement of the Day: Today started off very shitty like.

Let me paint a picture so you can understand where I am coming from. Its eleven in the morning. The sun is busting through my window, and I'm balls deep in some awesome sleep. Like we're talking Jessica Alba and Megan Fox were having lunch AND having a conversation with me in my dream. However, Jesse (my brother) being the terrorist of fun that he is decided he was going to ruin everything.

"Yo, your xbox is broken." 

This is probably number 3 on the list of things I don't want to be woken up to. It could be higher. I'm not sure I've never sat down and scientifically drafted a list. Maybe thats what I'll do when I'm hung over this weekend.

And yes, after I got my ass out of bed and checked it out, I discovered  the Xbox (or the Girlfriend Replacement Equipment, as I call it) was in fact broken. To make matters worse, I'm out of the warranty. I just sat there on the coffee able for a few moments of anger and disbelief. 

How could it just break?!?! I don't get it!?! I wanted to ninja kick Jesse for just being in the room. Fortunately for the moral of our living situation I didn't have time to stretch out for a proper Ka-rate kick. I had to go to work. You lucked out this time, Jesse. 

Back to my original point, Xbox breaking and THEN I have to go to work...not a good way to start out the day.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Ramblings 2

It's tuesday at least for the next 28 minutes, and I'm just chillin like a villain. Not much to do tonight other then sit on the my couch ( which I think is giving me Scoliosis). I'm wicked tired, and perfectly content with watching tv. I don't even feel motivated to turn the xbox on. I'm not complaining, sometimes you just need to chill. I mean work sucked. Alot.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a bill collector for one of the biggest lenders in the nation. I have to keep it vague like that, because I'm sure dropping the name of ___________ could be considered a no no, and I need to keep steady paper flow. Paper aside, the job is depressing. All I do is call people who are drowning in debt. Thats all I do, all day, every freaking day. Some people are nice, but they are hardly memerable. Most people are miserable, foul creatures who need to be punished for their crimes against humanity. Seriously, I dealt with a lady tonight who left me fantasizing about choking her out with my head phone cord. Sadistic? Maybe. Deserved? You freaking bet! That woman was a whore.

I know I shouldn't complain, especially in this economy. A job is a job and my job pays good. Thats more then alot of people now a days can say. But still, I can't help it. My job fellates monkeys.

Speaking of fellatio, Jesse just turned on the History channel and they have a program called the "History of Sex". Now this is some good ass television. Not porno, just an educated man narrating stories about ancient Indian dudes banging chicks.

Wow this show is fascinating. It's all about the Middle Eastern cultures and their contributions to the advancement of banging. Did you know that in the Islam religion a marriage could be dissolved for bad performance in the sack!?! Thats genius! Well I guess thats not too far removed in todays world, only now we have to hide it under the title "irreconcilable differences".

Oh too bad it's over. Now what to watch?!?

Well next on the history channel is something inspired by the new "Angels and Demons" movie. Eh, I guess I'll give it a try. What I really should do is pee and take my contacts out.

Ok this sucks. I'm gonna get on with some quick points I feel I need to talk about, take a piss then go to bed. That's whats on deck people, try not to get lost.

With out further hesitation, the return of my Ramblings:
  • If you hate having a social life, I suggest start watching The Wire. You'll be enslaved. No relationship will survive, and you won't even care. Trust me.
  • I hate big decisions. Especially the ones that involve other people. Actually, mainly the ones that involve other people. I've had a few of those in the last couple of weeks and they have all sucked.
  • I haven't talked much about the End of the Blazer Season yet. And there is a good reason for that. It still hurts. Simply put, I still don't want to talk about it.
  • Furthermore Susan, I think David Stern is a jack ass. Rest assure, I will elaborate on a latter date.
  • Like I stated earlier, my job sucks. Every-time a customer cusses me out, I second guess my life choices. So I'm going back to school. You win mom, congratulations.
  • I had planned on writing a 'Happy Mothers Day' piece, but I got too busy. Guess being a favorite son got a little time consuming.
  • Does anyone else have a problem taking Ron Howard seriously? I know he is an acclaimed director and all, but every time I hear him talk I just think Richie Cunningham, and half expect the Fonz to make an appearance.
Ok thats it, I can't fight it anymore. I have to pee like no ones business, and this Angels and Demons special is annoying (yes it's still on. Again, I'm too lazy to turn my xbox on. Do you really think I have the motivation to turn the channel?).

When I'm done peeing I'm going to watch The Wire by myself (see I told you, no friends) until I pass out. Then I'm going to wake up and go back to work again.

At least I'm awesome.



Monday, May 18, 2009

Hung Over again.

Guess who is hung over?!
Yes, that would be me. Unfortunately. All that needs to be said was, I went out with the boys and I consumed more tequila then Mexico last night. Laughs were had, questionable decisions were made and I spent the morning throwing up and hating life.

And was it worth it? You freaking bet it was. The whole crew was there, which doesn't happen as often as it should, so it's nice when it does. We turned Charlies into a house party, and NONE of us got kicked out. Incredible. I tip my cap to you Charlies, you still believe in letting your customers have fun. Oscars, you can learn a thing or two from the bar that is located just down the street. 

On the negative side, I threw up all morning and became a vegtable. I feel like I just got kicked in the head by Chuck Liddel of four years ago. My body and my head are experiencing biblical levels of hurt. Why do I drink again?

This is such a common occurrence, I'm tossing around just writing out a generic blog about getting hammered and fucking up, and I'll just go in and fill in the blanks with specifics before posting.

I don't care what you think, I think thats a helluva idea.

Anyway I don't really have a ton of shit to say right now. I just wanted to update this thing because it has been a week and I have experienced some change since the last one. The last week has been a little rough, with work and chicks. So I'm going to leave you, my 7 loyal readers with a compromising picture of two of my roommates.

So without further ado, a picture of Jesse and Derek from when they went camping:



(I said fuck off Norton).

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mothers Day

Hello mothers.

I just want to take this time to thank you for being who you are and doing what you've done. Especially the mothers who have to put up with my crap on a regular basis. Now I know what some of you are thinking- and yes, you would think getting to put up with my crap is a blessing. But I'm here to tell you, that sometimes I can be a bit of a nut job and it takes a strong woman to deal with it.

So here we go, I'm going to get my mothers day thank on:
  • Mom, I love you too much. You put up with more crap then most, and do it very gracefully (unlike your bike riding ability). You rule, and I'm so thankful you're my mom.
  • Stacey- I'm pretty sure it's common place to not like step mothers. Thank God my family isn't your typical family-cuz my step mom rules. If I were you, I would've killed Jesse or me while we lived with you guys. But you didn't, and for that you deserve an award. I think we'll keep you around. HAHAHA.
  • Grandma Dolly- I probably should be mad at you for being the original pusher of those little mini pizzas that I'm un naturally addicted to. But you've done so many other positives, like subscribing me to Rollingstone when I turned 17, that I can forgive that one. I love you grandma.  
  • Grandma Jeane- I don't get to see you much which is a shame, but it's always nice to talk to you Grandma. I enjoyed talking to you today.  I know you gotta lot going on right now, but it'll be ok. If you ever read this I want you to know that I pray for you, and I miss and love you.
  • Sarah- This is your first so, I had to put a mention in here about it. HAPPY FIRST MOTHERS DAY TO YOU.  Crazy to think about four years after I met you, I was meeting your daughter...but there you are- a little mini you. I often find myself sitting there shocked that you're actually a mother. But thats just it, you've transformed from the crazy girl that I knew to an awesome mother. You're doin a good job kiddo, keep pushin and it's going to get easier. I pinkie promise.
Once again, I love you all and happy mothers day.

('nuff of the sappy stuff, time to go back to being funny)