Dirty Jokes might not be for old Folks

Some people call me crude. Ok, I can dig it. I have offended many with my brand of 'humor' and because of that have been given the nickname of 'N.S' or ' No Shame'. I am not here to dispute those claims. In fact, I often welcome them.

That being said, sometimes I can be a bit over the top (ok, this might be an understatement).

The fact is I enjoy making people laugh, and people like dick and fart jokes. The partnership between the two parties is an absolute no brainer. However, I often get chastised for my vulgarity (8 letters! Who wants to fuck with me in scrabble?).

I don't even know what the big deal is...I mean yeah, sometimes I like to describe recent Hayden Panettiere sex dreams. Or maybe I break up silences with a series of masturbation themed jokes. When did that become a crime? If you answered that question with 'never,' then you'd be right.

I'm not sure how my crudeness came to be. Who really knows how Mama and Papa Belvin's mild mannered good boy grew to be the champion of the potty mouth that you are reading about today? It may never be known how I went from Sunday school regular, to having my friends laugh on a family vacation whenever they'd see a hot girl, speculating about what dirty things I would say about her.

I might be exaggerating my offensiveness a bit. I mean it's not like talking to me ALWAYS involves a constant flow of 'cock' 'balls' and 'pussy farts'. Sometimes I can be deep. I can be sensitive. I just often choose not to be, but it's there. I promise.


Sometimes I feel the urge to rope it in a bit. The mouth ( my choice of language) sometimes gets out of hand. Take today for example-I was out running around with my aunt (who has a sense of humor that would make even Howard Stern speechless), with no supervision, in public. In other words, we were about to ruin the afternoons of the innocent.

Which is exactly what we did: We were in a Vons (like a Safeway in Ventura) balls deep into gross out mode. Somehow, I got stuck on the subject of Sodomy ( hands down winner of the Favorite Word Tournament of Death for October and November). Normal people understand that this is not appropriate conversation for your local supermarket. My aunt and I do not subscribe to this theory.

So there I was continuing a story where sodomy is the subject. I came to a part where the hero of the story (and a buddy of mine who will remain nameless) made the statement, " butt sex is the greatest thing God ever created." Now, what I failed to realize (and what makes this an actual story worth telling) was that an old lady was a couple yards a head of us in the aisle. As soon as I finished the quote, her head snapped around and gave me the fiercest, most laser burning glare you could ever imagine.

It was so intense that for the first time that I can recall I stopped, realized the subject matter was inappropriate for public, and for a second regretted telling it in the store. However, regret soon turned into unadulterated enjoyment. I turned around walked away. I lost control. I laughed so hard that it was silent. I couldn't stop. Before today that story was awesome. I loved to tell it. Now, thanks to the old lady that I pissed off, it is FREAKING LEGENDARY!

In retrospect, I probably should've saved a story with that juicy of a punch line for the car, or back at home. Jokes about sodomy are not for everyone. I know that. Especially most of the elderly. She was just a poor old lady who looked like she might've been old enough to own slaves. What I'm trying to say is: it's a good thing she probably won't be stumbling across the things that are soon to be written here.


So go ahead, call me crude. Tell me my jokes are tasteless. It doesn't really bother me. It's part of what makes me, me. That and my boyish good looks and relentless charm, of course.

Thankfully, some people understand where I'm coming from. Today I took my lap top into the can so I could watch Heroes while building a castle. Obviously I changed my facebook status to "Andrew is pooping". Surprisingly it didn't get the typical responses to that type of status update I was use to. In fact I only got one, coming courtesy of an old friend named Katie. Only one, but damn it was a goodie.

Katie said,"Andy Belvin I find your facebook status honesty extremely refreshing. Just imagine how many people would have the very same status if everyone stopped trying to look cooler than they are. Facebook would be littered with poop, napping, masturbation and eating statuses instead of Dane Cook jokes and Emo lyrics. You are my hero."

You see, there are SOME people who get me.