Question: What would happen if Romeo and Juliet never died...

Answer: They probably wouldn't have worked out.

I don't think I'm out of line saying that either. They were kids. They were stupid, and they were horny. When have these factors ever been a solid starting point in a lasting relationship? Never! That is the only acceptable answer. I'm not even considering their family situation, but when you do-forget about it. I would give them like a year. Tops. Fairy tails don't exist. They especially don't when they start with a hook up at a party. Shit, those stories don't even get a second draft.

Thats exactly how they met too (if you haven't caught on by now, my inspiration is from the modern day Leo and Claire Danes version. I don't recall Original Shakespear including pill poppin in his sonnets). Romeo was at a party, and got ripped out of his mind on pills. He found a cute chick that he wanted to lay pipe to, but she wouldn't let him penetrate that night.

Romeo was not to be denied while trippin on a potent combo of pills and testosterone. After her initial denial, he kicked it up a notch and got all Don Juan on her. Shifting into a high powered offense, Romeo focused his attack by reciting some super romantic lyrics, trying to equalize any sense of morality Juliet might hold.

We're talking some serious panty dropping material. Can you blame him? I mean have you seen Claire Danes?I probably would've said something stupid like, 'I love you,' too.

I'll give Juliet some credit here. When Romeo came at her with his first attempt to swoon her panites off, she saw right through it. She put the kabosh to it, quickly. Thats impressive. I'm not sure many girls could squash Leo's desire for the tang. I obviously don't know first hand, but this guy has slayed Giselle. Tom Brady is eating his seconds. I think thats evidence good enough to prove many girls aren't turning down a chance to ride the Titanic.

Fortunately for Romeo, he brought his half stoned "A" game, and really laid it on thick. She ultimately fell victim. Then when you add the factor that he was forbidden fruit because the family situations-it was all over. She was under his spell. He could've done anything to her and got away with it. Shit, he killed her cousin and they still got busy. I know, I know, seems crazy, but girls are stupid like that.

Ladies, I have a feeling you are saying,"Oh Andrew you're wrong! Romeo and Juliet is the greatest love story ever! It is soooo Romantic!" And I want you to know, that it is YOU who is wrong. I've seen porno's with a better chance of coming true then Romeo and Juliet.

Like I stated earlier, they could've lasted a bit. Never under estimate the power of great sex. Guys will be on their best behavior as long as their getting awesome sex, consistently. But great sex can only get you so far. Eventually, even the most clueless of wenches figure out that men are only using them for the warmth provided by their mysterious lady parts. And then when the lady tries to force the man into a "real" relationship, and not one based on crazy animal sex, well thats when the male rebels (and tags her sister).

So back to Romeo and Juliet. I'm really supposed to believe that these two would've just lived happily ever after??? How retarded is that?!? I think you'd have a better chance of convincing Clay Bennett to return the Sonics to Seattle (fucking thief, but that is for another day).

Lets take an honest look of how this relationship would've gone: after a year of their very hot, very physical relationship, it begins it's natural cool down. Only the two love birds have successfully alienated their respected families by marrying into the families of their enemies. Even if they eventually got their families blessing's, they would never be able to get a divorce after the turmoil their relationship caused when it first started.

Or imagine had they never received the families blessings, and were disowned. Now they're stuck in this loveless marriage, because neither of them wants to be alone. Romeo nor Juliet would have family to run to after the separation because they have long ceased communication. In other words, because they couldn't keep it in their pants, they would've been screwed.

The fun doesn't stop there. Romeo probably develops a severe drug problem to cope with his regret for his youthful haste. He views his marriage as a loveless prison, and wastes the majority of his small paychecks on blow and strippers (he had to get a job since he no longer had mommy and daddy's dough to rely on. And it didn't seem like he had put a huge premium on education, so he's doing manual labor for a shitty wage. Fact).

Juliet's life sucks too. She developed an eating disorder, and an addiction to box wine. The highlights of her week now include, and are limited to screwing the funny looking 22 year old Starbucks Barista, and watching her dvd seasons of Sex In the City (which is what she believes her life would've been had she not "settled" for the "smooth talking shit head" Romeo).

Realizing that the flame of the relationship is long gone(because women are gay like that), she starts throwing up every meal so she can be skinny. Like most girls who develop an eating disorder, this seems like the best plan of attack. Heaven forbid you do something conventional, like running, to burn off that carton of cookie dough you just inhailed during "The Hills" marathon. Her justification is the thought that if she remains super skinny, then a handsome, rich man is bound to want to start up a steamy affair with her.

Then after Romeo starts to get a whiff of the adultery (which wouldn't be for a long time because she is so clever and sneaky. NOT) The rich, handsome man would convince her to run away from her estranged husband, and find her true "ever after". Of course, thats not gonna happen.

In reality, Romeo has known about the Barista for some time. He doesn't pay it much mind, since he spends most of his time paying for sexual favors from classy young ladies named Chastity and Cinnamon. Well that is till the night he comes home, high out of his brain (like the night they met, how cute) and finds the barista up in his martial bed with Juliet. Normally he wouldn't care (because he just spent his paycheck at supporting single mothers dancing through college) but this time is different-he's high. Like very high. Romeo goes off the deep end and pretends he's OJ (Not the Buffalo Bills version, I'm talking like the June 1994).

Don't worry, his trial is quick. He doesn't have the money for a Johnny Cochran level attorney, and was so high didn't do much to hide his tracks. In fact this case is so easy they give it to Judge Judy, who nails the case closed in a half hour plus commercial breaks. Romeo spends the rest of his natural born life in jail experiencing the ironic side effects of being a pretty boy on the outside.

When he was young, being pretty gave him ample opportunities to shack up with hot rich girls like Juliet. When he was older, he got to bang strippers.

Now, being pretty gets him raped. Daily.


The End.


Upon further review: it's a good thing their story ended where it did. Because that story is really depressing.





(Also, who else is really glad I'm not a playwrite!?! Everyone better be raising their hands)