If there are parents of girls reading this, first of all welcome. God dammit, welcome. Second, please do not think of this as a joke. I want you to heed this warning. Beware of Lampstack. He is real, I've seen him. Shit, I party with him often, and I'm honored to call him one of my best friends. But I'm a dude, so it's safe for me. He won't try and shift from 2nd to 3rd on me ( which sadly is the code name we have assigned to the act of inserting your fingers in the wrong hole, intentionally). Parents I can't stress this, Lampstack is a monster. 6' 5" of drunken testosterone. He is clean cut, clean shaven and makes you feel at ease with his frat boy smile. But thats just a front. At night, when alcohol comes into play- Dr. Jekel turns into Mr. Hyde and he runs out to watch the world burn.
It's not just the pretty girls that are at risk when Lampstack comes out. So don't think you're daughter is safe just because she resembles a German shot putter. In fact, the uglier, the more likely they are to be ravaged by the Monster. Like normal males when alcohol comes into play, the need for a quality female is trumped by the desire to have ANYTHING to put it on. Obviously, the Lampstack will opt for the best looking option, but won't hesitate to slum it up. You can find out how much of a risk your daughter is by referring to the "Lamp-line" (see below).
Sure it's Juvenile, but an ounce of preparation is worth more then an ounce of cure.
What is the Lamp-line? Well the Lamp-line is a sophisticated scale to determine the drunken sex appeal of certain females. It was inspired by the 'Eddy Curry Line', which in Fantasy sports is the term for the worst possible player statistically you could be. Just like the players who statistically hang around this level (or the player that it's named after), a dude doesn't want to be flirting with hooking up a chick who is near the Lamp-Line. If a girl is riding the Lamp-line, it means she is the worst looking girl you can conceivably bang. It's origin came because The Monster Lampstack is currently on a ruthian tear of hooking up with skeezers.
At a party the other night, we whitnessed the Stack putting mad drunken charm on a female (?) that would be classified as a Creature from the Black Lagoon Division (more on that later). He saw an easy target, what we saw was a six foot two monster of a chick. She probably could've dead lifted a whale, and had a jaw line that would make Greggory Peck jealous. I was quite shit housed myself, but I'm pretty sure she had an Adams apple (thankfully the girl I was hitting on was labeled as pretty cute. In hindsight, too bad nothing happened. But I guess you can't expect much when she's sober, and you're too drunk to speak English).
The Lamp-Line shouldn't be associated with negative connotations. First of all it gives you an understanding on how drunk you got. Simply put, it's an indicator. You ever have those mornings where you try and qualify how shit housed you were the night before?
"Oh man, I had (insert drinks, and quantity here). I was sooo wasted!" Were you? Were you really? Or are you just saying that because you wanted to justify making an ass out of yourself? This is where the Lamp-Line comes into play. You can prove that you weren't in control just by looking at what lady occupied your attention the previous evening. If you were trolling down near the lamp-line, your buddies will know that what ever you did, wasn't your fault.
With out further ado, the Lamp-Line Scale, version 1.0:
The Jessica Alba division- Fucking perfect. Not only will you wake up an beg for more, but you'll be popping holes in your own condoms to get her pregnant so you can keep her around longer. Pulling a girl like this during a night of drinking would be like pitching a perfect game. You have to be either one charming bastard, or slimy enough to be slipping her doubles while you are sipping on "wat-ka" (water that you claim is vodka).
The Megan Fox division (formerly the Lindesy Lohan division)- I'll be the first to admit I'm not the utmost authority of Megan Fox's party habbits, or her morals, so I'm going to speculate just by staring at her skanky half naked pictures on my MacBook desk top. She just has that look that she'll go down on you in a taxi, even though you weren't the guy she thought you were (or the guy she came with). I have a feeling she's not against sodomy with strangers. Probably not the best decision on your part, and she'll probably leave you a keep sake (like herpies). But in most cases, she's too hot for common logic to even compete. It's unfortunate, I know. But come on, as guys, we live our lives governed by Testosterone and our Dicks.
The Elisha Cuthbert in Old School Division- Yeah she's smokin hot. She's got an ass that could crack a walnut, and your pretty sure you could get her to do stuff illegal in thirty two states. Sounds like a good time right? Except for the fact that you're pretty sure she just mentioned something about completing a senior project for her home room. Oh well, another Jack and Coke and she could tell you she's married to OJ and it wouldn't matter.
The Sarah Palin Division- She's not that cute, and she annoys the shit out of you normally. But fuck it, you're hammered and there is some quality you seem to be un-naturally fixated on. I say un-natural because it's not of the usual keys to the female luster. It's not her tities, ass, eyes, mouth, hips or whatever. It's something stupid like, she hunts. Or she knows who Lebron James is. Or maybe she told you that earlier she was watching the Blazer game, and couldn't believe how many times Brandon Roy got to the free throw line (sound like I'm speaking from experience?).
The Bong Division- This girl doesn't have a physical quality assigned to her. She could be Jessica Alba, she could be that girl who used to have a jack up grill. Typically she's cute enough for even your rigid sober standards. So what gives these qualities it's own division-well it's the fact that she's been passed around by all your buddies like a bong during a late night smoke session. There something unappealing about girls that you personally know a few of the dudes who have spelunked her mysterious lady cavern. However as you get more and more drunk, it transforms from a deterrent to a way to become closer to your buddies.
The Snaggle-Tooth Division- This girl may have a nice body. She may have tities that hold the cure for cancer. But she's got a physical trait that is so unsettling that you can't get over it with out the help of booze. Maybe she's got a little more pronounced pooch ( the little gut that spills over because her belt and pants are so tight), or maybe she's got a lazy eye. Usually, it's the girl with shrapnel for teeth. Some teeth are horizontal, others are vertical. Some look like vampire teeth, others look like she stole it from a shark. One thing is for sure, you don't want to put your member anywhere near it, let alone your tounge. But the night is winding down and you haven't been Mr. Lothario tonight, so your options are limited. What do you do? Do you find the cutest girl, and force a hurry up offense? Maybe, but it's a crap shoot with that. Or you can choose the more taken, less desirable route. Horny drunk dude let me introduce you to this half full bottle of cheap Whiskey.
Booze: helping the ugly get laid since the 1890's.
The Fat Chick Division- Self explanatory. They are like dragons, and sometimes there powers are too much for us to handle. Especially if there is an empty bottle of Monarch Vodka near you, and it's former contents are located in your system.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon Division (aka, the Lamp Line)- You know who she is. This girl is usually so foul you are not braggin that you banged her, you are impressed that your dick even worked. You are upset that you let yourself stoop that low. Chances are if you got this drunk, you are also ashamed by a number of other activities from the night before. These could range from (and are not limited to) pissing in your buddy's bed, punching a girl, breaking random shit, or ordering a burrito from that sketchy roach coach (Roach Coach: those little trailers that are usually parked outside of bars, that typically look too unsanitary for consumption). It could also be something regretful that took place like drunk dialing your grandma, or picking a fight with your ex girlfriend.
There you have it, the complete division of hook-up abillity. Now men can accurately interpret how drunk they were the night before, as well as understand how gross that girl was that performed a makeshift tonsillectomy on you after beerpong. Whether you charmed a card carrying member of the J.A. Division, or you finished off that bottle of Evan Williams and went trolling in the Black Lagoon. You're level of drunkenness has a face. For better or worse.
On the other hand, the fact that we are even discussing this means that ugly girls are getting satisfied by guys that normally wouldn't even be looking at them. Thus making them a lot happier with life. And life is too short not to be happy. Right?
Also, chew on this: Residents of the Black Lagoon division are in fact human. I know, I know, I often forget myself. But These girls are knowingly putting themselves in situations that often result drunken intimate relations. Someone is bound to accidently finish that bottle. And they will be the ones who end up slumming. But since we have The Stack doing it (and doing it at a rate that makes Barry Bonds HR/At-bat ratio look minimal, mind you), then that means some guys are not getting put in uncomfortable inebriated situations. They won't be asked to slay some wilder beasts. If The Stack is taking care of them, then that means I'm not. And that right there readers, is the definition of friendship.
Upon further review: Parents I retract my previous warning about The Stack. I spoke without thinking. My bad. You would be HONORED to have your daughter experience the 2nd to 3rd. The Stack is an inspiration. His dedication to the happiness of drunken females of all divisions is a true act of heroism.
Combine that with The Stacks relentless assault on his liver, and now we have justification for the creation of something as brilliant as The Lamp Line. Lampstack, you are on par with Mother Teresa and Santa Claus. You sir, one hell of an American and I am ecstatic to call you my drinking buddy.
(mainly because it means I'm not hooking up with something disgusting)
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