Recognizing the Awesomeness of My Father

Just a quick word about one of the more awesome people on this planet, my father. In honor of fathers day I'm going to take a break from my vulgar stories of drunken adventures and say a few words about the man who is partly responsible for all of this madness. Mike Belvin, my dad for those of you who don't know, is a a great man and a stone cold bad ass.

He is the father of seven, and the step father of two more. Still he has found time to pillage more villages then Eric the Redd. Wilt Chamberlain and Gene Simmons have nothing on his numbers. I once witnessed Julia Roberts break down in hysterics because my father refused to give her the time of day. An absolute lady killer, not to mention one HELL of an American.

My dad could beat up your dad. It's true, I've seen it.

I saw my dad take on sick day the whole time I lived under his roof. And it was because the day before he was so sick I had to skip school to help him do his route. He is one tough mother, and your dad isn't. In fact your dad gave my dad his lunch money when they went to school, because your dad was a wuss. To prove my point, my dad says he could beat up All Pro Lineback Ray Lewis. And he says it with a straight face.

My dads jump shot is as consistent as gravity. Ray Allen who? Sunrises are in awe in the regularity at which he splashes three's.

All joking aside my dad is awesome. He has busted his ass to provide a great life for me and my siblings. Its hard to write words of appreciation for someone like that. I'm not sure if I'm good enough to even come close to relaying that message. But I'll be damned if I don't try. I could seriously sit here for hours with my thausarus and use big multi syllable words to attempt it. Write pages to show all how much I love my dad. Or I could be awesome and just come out and say it. You know, like a man.

Happy Fathers Day Dad, you're awesome and I love you. See, right there, I did it. Short and sweet and just as effective.

Live, From My Cell

Before we begin, I need everyone reading this to swear an oath of secracy. You see, currently I'm sitting in a cubical of a place that might not be ok with me typing on my blog. So if you're going to read this, then you better know not to tell my boss.

Now you may be asking, "dude, WTF, why would you risk your job?!" Now that is a good question. I've worked at this place for about a year and a half now, and if my job was at serious risk then I wouldn't be doing it. Trust me. In this economy if you're lucky enough to have a job, white knuckle that bitch. Don't let it go. Not even to take a pee. Seriously, take your job with you. Just shift yourself so your job can't take a look at your junk. You can't afford not to.

That being said, if the wrong person were to see me using the internet for fun, and not for work....well, I'd probably be getting bent over my desk and railed with my name plate. Graphic, I know, but true.

It's just work is so boring right now. I'm being very un productive and my desk is not making for a compfortable pillow. So we can rule sleep out of the equation. I've read ESPN top to bottom. And most importantly, I have nothing to bitch about (outside of being bored).

You see typically for the entertainment of everyone around me, and to pass my own time, I usually engage in long winded bitch sessions at work. The subjects of these rants, much like some of these blogs are often focused on my wildly up and down love life (it was recently compared to a hurricane. I have found this to be strangly accurate. Not sure if thats a good thing or not).

However as of this week, my unpredictable and destructive love life took a turn towards domestication.

Yes, Sarah and I decided to try it again. Not gonna lie, there were times when I didn't see that happening, but here we are a year and half since the last break up, trying it one more time.

Quick story of Irony: Some of you may recall our first break up (which can still be watched on PPV). It was my first break up so I wasn't sure how to handle it. Admittedly, I didn't handle it well. After the initial wave of Super Emo Depression (or SED) wore off, I decided to buy something to take my mind off of it. This is where I bough my xbox 360.

Now I loved my xbox, or as I have referred to it in the past as the Girlfriend Replacement Equipment. And we had a lot of fun times. But sadly, its been acting up lately. Freezes at inappropriate times, only works half the time. Kind of like when the family dog stops playing fetch and starts laying in the middle of the yard not moving, and you have to scream her name 50 times just for the dog to briefly look up at you. And like the family dog that starts to go senile, who only shows signs of life when it growls at little kids, it had to be put down (ok, well maybe I didn't put it down, but it got unplugged and we definitely got another one so we could play the new Tiger without it freezing).

The GRE finally got un plugged the same week that the girl it was replacing came back into the fold. Conincedence? I think not.

Along with the attempt to be domestic comes a renewed desire to practice sobriety. As the last couple of months have gone, I have limited my booze in-take to one night a week. Typically a Saturday. Now I say I limit it to Saturdays, but we all know that mean thats just the day the crazy comes out. Yes, the Baron of Blackout has been racking up serious levels of hammeredness over the last couple of months- which has led to wild times and some serious hangovers (also, it has led to some rather regretful tales but thats for another day). If I want to give this relationship a decent shot, the Baron is going to have to put his cape away for a bit.

I know, I know I've said this before. I wouldn't put a lot of stock in me either. Young plus stupid is a terrible combonation and doesn't always equal successful domestication. It also doesn't help matters that my job often causes me a great deal of stress, and at times all I can think about is becoming a Shit-Faced Worrior and buring the city down. In fact, I feel that urge right now.

Fortunatly for my liver, my mood tomorrow, and my new relationship I will not be pulling the Barons Cape out from storage tonight. Nope, no booze tonight. What I AM going to do is this: I'm gonna log off my computer here in a second, lock up my desk, walk home and play Tiger Woods 2010 till I fall asleep on the new 360.

I know it's boring. But remember, I'm domesticated now.

Quick Thoughts

Morning all, it's wednesday and I have yet to wipe the crust off my eyes. I gotta get down to White Salmon so, here are some quick thoughts.

• Heard an interview with David Stern last night. He is such a pompous asshole. Man, I want to fight him.
• I took a poop that looked like a question mark. It was awesome
• Today I get to see TNA live. Who wants to touch me
• Uh, the whole thing about Lebron being pissed off the way he handled the loss, I think people need to chill out. Showing emotion is a good thing. Especially in a time when people are turned off by the players and their "business" approach. How many of us have stormed off a court after a loss...don't you even PRETEND you haven't.

Ok, as reported earlier I'm going to TNA today. So  time to poop, then go to the gym. 

Peace out.

King James: Holy Crap

I woke up this morning, and the first thought I had was, "Lebron."Ok, I lied. It was something along the lines of  "Shit. I have to be at work in 20 minutes." 

But thats not important right now. Whats important, and the point I'm trying to drive home is that I spent the majority of the day thinking (and arguing) about what was going to happen in tonight's game (the 5th of the Eastern Conference Finals). 

Think about it, either way there was going to be some big story coming out of tonight. Outcome 1, the Magic slap the Cavs, again, and knock out the number 1 seed. This would absolutely be the biggest story of the year. ESPN would probably explode. Not just the station, but the whole damn concept of a sports television network. 

The media had all but given the Cavs the 09 title as far back as January. Now here they are in May, on the verge of getting knocked out before the finals. This would be a huge upset, and it would derail The King from assuming his thrown and his place as the leagues Undisputed Alpha Male. He has everything on the resume, except that ever elusive NBA title. 

Lebron losing would unfortunately serve as the opening to what would be endless conversations about Lebrons inability to get his team a championship. Recall conversations about Petyon Manning before the Colts 06 Superbowl win (which is ridiculous to even pretend to compare if you REALLY look at it. The man is putting up video game numbers in every game, but unfortunately for the Cavs, hasn't found a way to clone himself or be able to play all five positions at the same time).

Outcome 2, Lebron goes out and has his usual Video Game statiscial game, only this time gets a little help from Mo Williams and co. and he is able to fend off elimination atleast one more night. It would only add to his already robust legend, and firmly place thought of doubt back in the Magics mind (also equally as important keeping David Sterns raging hard-on over the possibillity of a Lebron-Kobe finals alive. You just know he goes to bed every night praying JR Smith has an dream that tells him he should shoot more then Carmelo and shoots the Nuggets out of a series they will probably win). 

This is undoubtably the most important game of Lebrons career, to this point. When he went to the finals two years ago, no one expected him to do so. There was no pressure on him. Now he is the leagues MVP, and playing on a one seed. He has all the pressure in the world on him. He has to come through.

As expected King James put up un-natural triple double that only he could produce, giving his team it's second win in the series and breathing a little more life in the series.

He gave it to the Magic. He gave it to them long and hard. Orlando was the drunk girl at the party, and Lebron spent extra attention to that girl (and stopped drinking hours ago). He had his way, then he was cold hearted enough to not even make them breakfast in the morning. Seriously, my kind of guy.

The moral of the story is this, The Cavs had the best record in the league this year, and it wasn't because of Mo Williams or Delante West. Nor is it because Mike Brown is a tactical genius. Nope not the reason. The Cavs are where they are because Lebron is a sophisticated robot sent here from the future to destroy conventional statistical boundries as we know them and make a grip of cash at the same time.

In closing, Cleveland, if you want to win this series, make sure Lebron touches the ball on every possession. Mike Brown, if I were you, I would fine everyone on your team 25,000 dollars for EVERY possession Lebron doesn't touch the ball. You do that, and it will be Lebron vs Kobe.

The way the David Stern intended it.

How to NOT wake up.

Understatement of the Day: Today started off very shitty like.

Let me paint a picture so you can understand where I am coming from. Its eleven in the morning. The sun is busting through my window, and I'm balls deep in some awesome sleep. Like we're talking Jessica Alba and Megan Fox were having lunch AND having a conversation with me in my dream. However, Jesse (my brother) being the terrorist of fun that he is decided he was going to ruin everything.

"Yo, your xbox is broken." 

This is probably number 3 on the list of things I don't want to be woken up to. It could be higher. I'm not sure I've never sat down and scientifically drafted a list. Maybe thats what I'll do when I'm hung over this weekend.

And yes, after I got my ass out of bed and checked it out, I discovered  the Xbox (or the Girlfriend Replacement Equipment, as I call it) was in fact broken. To make matters worse, I'm out of the warranty. I just sat there on the coffee able for a few moments of anger and disbelief. 

How could it just break?!?! I don't get it!?! I wanted to ninja kick Jesse for just being in the room. Fortunately for the moral of our living situation I didn't have time to stretch out for a proper Ka-rate kick. I had to go to work. You lucked out this time, Jesse. 

Back to my original point, Xbox breaking and THEN I have to go to work...not a good way to start out the day.

Ramblings 2

It's tuesday at least for the next 28 minutes, and I'm just chillin like a villain. Not much to do tonight other then sit on the my couch ( which I think is giving me Scoliosis). I'm wicked tired, and perfectly content with watching tv. I don't even feel motivated to turn the xbox on. I'm not complaining, sometimes you just need to chill. I mean work sucked. Alot.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a bill collector for one of the biggest lenders in the nation. I have to keep it vague like that, because I'm sure dropping the name of ___________ could be considered a no no, and I need to keep steady paper flow. Paper aside, the job is depressing. All I do is call people who are drowning in debt. Thats all I do, all day, every freaking day. Some people are nice, but they are hardly memerable. Most people are miserable, foul creatures who need to be punished for their crimes against humanity. Seriously, I dealt with a lady tonight who left me fantasizing about choking her out with my head phone cord. Sadistic? Maybe. Deserved? You freaking bet! That woman was a whore.

I know I shouldn't complain, especially in this economy. A job is a job and my job pays good. Thats more then alot of people now a days can say. But still, I can't help it. My job fellates monkeys.

Speaking of fellatio, Jesse just turned on the History channel and they have a program called the "History of Sex". Now this is some good ass television. Not porno, just an educated man narrating stories about ancient Indian dudes banging chicks.

Wow this show is fascinating. It's all about the Middle Eastern cultures and their contributions to the advancement of banging. Did you know that in the Islam religion a marriage could be dissolved for bad performance in the sack!?! Thats genius! Well I guess thats not too far removed in todays world, only now we have to hide it under the title "irreconcilable differences".

Oh too bad it's over. Now what to watch?!?

Well next on the history channel is something inspired by the new "Angels and Demons" movie. Eh, I guess I'll give it a try. What I really should do is pee and take my contacts out.

Ok this sucks. I'm gonna get on with some quick points I feel I need to talk about, take a piss then go to bed. That's whats on deck people, try not to get lost.

With out further hesitation, the return of my Ramblings:

• If you hate having a social life, I suggest start watching The Wire. You'll be enslaved. No relationship will survive, and you won't even care. Trust me.
• I hate big decisions. Especially the ones that involve other people. Actually, mainly the ones that involve other people. I've had a few of those in the last couple of weeks and they have all sucked.
• I haven't talked much about the End of the Blazer Season yet. And there is a good reason for that. It still hurts. Simply put, I still don't want to talk about it.
• Furthermore Susan, I think David Stern is a jack ass. Rest assure, I will elaborate on a latter date.
• Like I stated earlier, my job sucks. Every-time a customer cusses me out, I second guess my life choices. So I'm going back to school. You win mom, congratulations.
• I had planned on writing a 'Happy Mothers Day' piece, but I got too busy. Guess being a favorite son got a little time consuming.
• Does anyone else have a problem taking Ron Howard seriously? I know he is an acclaimed director and all, but every time I hear him talk I just think Richie Cunningham, and half expect the Fonz to make an appearance.

Ok thats it, I can't fight it anymore. I have to pee like no ones business, and this Angels and Demons special is annoying (yes it's still on. Again, I'm too lazy to turn my xbox on. Do you really think I have the motivation to turn the channel?).

When I'm done peeing I'm going to watch The Wire by myself (see I told you, no friends) until I pass out. Then I'm going to wake up and go back to work again.

At least I'm awesome.

Hung Over again.

Guess who is hung over?!

Yes, that would be me. Unfortunately. All that needs to be said was, I went out with the boys and I consumed more tequila then Mexico last night. Laughs were had, questionable decisions were made and I spent the morning throwing up and hating life.

And was it worth it? You freaking bet it was. The whole crew was there, which doesn't happen as often as it should, so it's nice when it does. We turned Charlies into a house party, and NONE of us got kicked out. Incredible. I tip my cap to you Charlies, you still believe in letting your customers have fun. Oscars, you can learn a thing or two from the bar that is located just down the street. 

On the negative side, I threw up all morning and became a vegtable. I feel like I just got kicked in the head by Chuck Liddel of four years ago. My body and my head are experiencing biblical levels of hurt. Why do I drink again?

This is such a common occurrence, I'm tossing around just writing out a generic blog about getting hammered and fucking up, and I'll just go in and fill in the blanks with specifics before posting.

I don't care what you think, I think thats a helluva idea.

Anyway I don't really have a ton of shit to say right now. I just wanted to update this thing because it has been a week and I have experienced some change since the last one. The last week has been a little rough, with work and chicks. So I'm going to leave you, my 7 loyal readers with a compromising picture of two of my roommates.

So without further ado, a picture of Jesse and Derek from when they went camping:

(I said fuck off Norton).